To pay my boyfriend’s child’s school fees?

[WhyWhyWhyDelulu]

Need MN perspective. Boyfriend and I have been together for over a year but have known each other for a lot longer. We don’t live together but are close.

Boyfriend’s DC are at a top public school and for various reasons he and his ex-wife can no longer afford the (expensive) fees for their DC3. They have already paid for DC 1&2 to complete the school. But without more money, youngest DC3 will be moving at the end of this year to do sixth form elsewhere.

Boyfriend is really upset, as is DC3. I have the means to meet the shortfall - should I do so?

For context, I have no relationship with DC3 (never met) this would completely and wholly be done as a favour to Boyfriend. My DC are through school and did not go to private school at all. However, I did go to private school and various people helped my parents out with fees, so this feels like karma.

YABU - this is a BF problem only and DC3 will be fine
YANBU - education is a gift and this will not be wasted

Don't get involved....it comes back and bite you.

A teen entering 6th form is turning 17yo that year. They’re not adult!
The OP is clear that her dcs went to a grammar school instead and have been well provided.
Income varies in time. What wasn’t possible when her DCs were at secondary/6th form might be possible now.
Do you think her dcs would be jealous of £5k per year? I mean it’s her money, she could have decided to pay for a hols with said partner instead.

@MaurineWayBack It’s the potential for the op to keep paying in the future. This won’t stop. I have enough money but I’d be cross if my DM fell for this. The op should discuss it with her dc. Who makes this sort of decision and hides it?

i think you're getting a hard time and also think if you are in a position to do so then why not?

Thing to consider though - will he feel indebted to you? How would you feel if he ended the relationship months...years down the line? would you regret helping his DC?

Yes you want to help, and have means to do so. But whT impact would helping have on your relationship? Would it change things even unintentionally? What if they needed more chaos than you anticipate? What if DC was unhappy and dropped out and you lost the cash? What if you break up ?
I think you need to consider every scenario, the consequences and how you would feel.
I don't think it's as straight forward as you hope.

Maybe OPs children won't resent the money but they might query why their mother is giving money to a man she's known for a year doesn't live with and is supporting a child she's not met.

Err...........

NO!!!

I also think money is relative....DBF and his ex are financially stretched but does that mean because they siphon off heaps into pensions, savings, live in houses with significant equity. I know people who plead poverty because their money is tied up in investments.

Seeing as you're so passionate about the gift of private education, and you benefitted from the kindness of others, have you considered making a donation to your old school's bursary fund?

6th form is a natural breakpoint for education so is not the end of the world having to move school / go to college. You have only been with BF for 12 months what would happen if you split up part way through - would you continue to pay or would the child have to move which would be far more disruptive than a natural breakpoint at the start of 6th form.

While in theory a lovely idea, practically it really isn’t a good idea. Any number of things could happen in the next 2 years which might result in you not being able to meet your share. If you put this to your own DC how would they feel ? you say they got into good grammars but they might not be impressed you were prepared to support someone else’s DC through private school when you didn’t do that for them - don’t underestimate how resentment can manifest in even the most reasonable balanced people if the “right” button is pressed.

Don’t be so bloody stupid. Seriously.

Hmmmm, perhaps your boyfriend could part-unretire for a couple of years untill his children are all through school? This just sounds like bad planning on his part.
Honestly I wouldn't get involved. It might make things weird between you. I'm sure his child will do fine, even if they learn a valuable lesson about future planning in the process.

Why do you feel 'guilt'.... if you are feeling guilty then you feel responsible. Why do you feel responsible for a child/teenager that is not yours?

These feelings are misplaced. You owe your boyfriend and his family nothing.

I can't believe you are even considering this for a child you've never met when your own children didn't go private!

Seeing as you haven’t even discussed this, it’s all a bit pointless. He may not accept it and may be using the fee increase as a reason to stop paying and be very happy with this choice even if not expressing it externally.

Yes, it's a strange one. I can't quite work out what's going on.

How would it work if you split up or got made redundant? You couldn’t continue paying!

I’d also be resentful if I had to pay for holidays together etc on top of all this.

Why is he still part retired of he is already stretched?

We have 3DC at boarding school and there is no way I would make that financial commitment to anyone else. My SIL once indicated that we might help pay the fees for their DC do they weren’t in the state system. Not a chance. Nothing to do with me.

He "can't afford" it yet is part retired and probably enjoys various luxuries I imagine...

It's a hard nope from me.

Let DC go to a different state 6th form of the parents won't find the money (and I'm sure they can, it would just take effort). There are many very good 6th forms around.

I was going to ask if your boyfriend or his ex have mortgaged homes and if they had looked into extending their mortgages - if they haven't they are not that bothered. But then I read this comment. If your boyfriend is part retired and can't afford his outgoings he needs to go back to full time. Again if he won't he's not that bothered.

You would actually be paying for your boyfriend (who you don't live with) to be part time when he can't afford to be.

I agree with other posters I have read that if your boyfriend can't afford the fees then 6th form is a good time to move. He can recover his finances a little for the onslaught of university.

I find it mind blowing how dismissive you are of your own DCs reactions and feelings.

Private education is a luxury. Do your DC have every luxury they want?

I would be extremely hurt as your DC. And wonder why, if private education was so important, you didn’t choose that for me.

Many people will sacrifice a lot for their DC to have it. There’s no indication that your BF is making any sacrifices at all. If it’s simply a case of making up the VAT surely he could do some extra work or sell something, downgrade his car etc. . Circumstances change. He semi retired early then divorced. Most people would choose to go back full time at that point if it reduced their financial circumstances. He has not. He needs to live with the consequences of that.

Absolutely insane. Not your responsibility, you're not his step mother and you’ve only been with his Dad a year! No.

Do yourself a favour and put the money in your pension.

Absolutely not. Save it for your own kids. Also question why you’re trying to buy favours with your bf. You may be in the honeymoon phase. If he accepted this offer, or asked you or even hinted, I would also dump him. I would never accept or ask a boyfriend to provide for my kids.

Absolutely not and I would be worried this is a romance scam.