To pay my boyfriend’s child’s school fees?

[WhyWhyWhyDelulu]

Need MN perspective. Boyfriend and I have been together for over a year but have known each other for a lot longer. We don’t live together but are close.

Boyfriend’s DC are at a top public school and for various reasons he and his ex-wife can no longer afford the (expensive) fees for their DC3. They have already paid for DC 1&2 to complete the school. But without more money, youngest DC3 will be moving at the end of this year to do sixth form elsewhere.

Boyfriend is really upset, as is DC3. I have the means to meet the shortfall - should I do so?

For context, I have no relationship with DC3 (never met) this would completely and wholly be done as a favour to Boyfriend. My DC are through school and did not go to private school at all. However, I did go to private school and various people helped my parents out with fees, so this feels like karma.

YABU - this is a BF problem only and DC3 will be fine
YANBU - education is a gift and this will not be wasted

no way

Well he's clearly not that "devastated", if he's not going back from part-retired to full-time employment again in order to pay the shortfall. Problem solved, give the man a tissue.

Methinks this man knows you're worth a pretty penny and is turning on the waterworks to manipulate you. Come on, he's known you a year, he knows you're generous person, he's playing you.

Cuckoo

OP you have mentioned that you had bursaries, grants and support for your education. Grants and bursaries are awarded, so you would have earned this. As for support, I am not sure why this makes the current situation normal to you, unless you had support from a non family member in a serious but not committed relationship ?
You mention you would do this as a favour? Favour has an implication of the recipient owing something.
There's loads wrong with this idea, it creates an obligation on the part of your boyfriend at some level.
If you have millions and this is small change for you and means nothing then maybe give the money but it doesn't quite sound like that
It also, suggests that it's not just the education it's about upping the status of the relationship.
I also think whatever you say you're own children won't like this and won't like your boyfriend because of it.

For me it would depend on how the money is given
Is it a one off lump sum or ongoing payments?
Is it a loan or a gift?
If it was a lump sum and it ended up being spent on a different emergency situation so it didn't all go to school fees how would I feel about that?
If its ongoing payments then would I continue paying if the relationship broke down/DP died (sorry to go there but you've said the arrangement is strictly with him and for the DC to be unaware)/ some other unforseen circumstance happened that fundamentaly changed the relationship between you and DP
If its a loan can you afford to write it off if its not repaid or would this cause a detriment to you or your own DC
Can you afford to give/loan this money AND afford a similar sum if your own DC had an emergency and needed financial help? If you can't could you live with that?
Would DP feel emasculated/embarrassed/beholden/angry/etc if you were to even offer it let alone him accept it?
Would you feel angry/embarrassed/annoyed/etc if you offered and he declined?
As per my last two questions could the offer accepted or not come between you?

Finances and relationships are a hard mix, it can cause resentment, obligation, misery as well as positive reactions. Would DP feel obliged to stay in the relationship if his feelings changed but you had gifted/he owed you this money?

When I read the title my instinct was a hard no. Then I read your post and updates and I don't know what you should do. An alternative could be to see if there is a way to give the money anonymously if you do want to give it and not loan it as that could remove some pressure on your relationship around it.

Final thought, if you do decide to go ahead and can't find a way to do it anonymously then draw up a legal document around it, treat it as a business transaction, even if its a gift. Take away the emotion of the relationship between you and treating purely as a business transaction could hopefully prevent any negative impact on your relationship. State the amount(s), what it is to be used for etc just clear none emotional language as if your DP is a stranger is the best way forward to lessen any impact on your relationship.

It's not an easy decision and I wish you luck, take the time to make it and consider all the possible angles even the ones that seem absurd

If you have the spare cash I think it would be a nice thing to do.

Are you absolutely mad? What about your own children?

Your boyfriend and his ex have marked you as a soft touch and will try to take advantage accordingly.

I would offer a year maybe to help out my partner but don't over commit especially if your unmarried ect.

Plenty of charities where you can support a child's education if you want to pay it forward. That would sit much better with your kids than giving free cash to a possible future stepkid.

I don’t think devastated is an appropriate descriptor or response in this situation. It’s hardly a matter of life and limb.

Also, it’s sixth form. If the private education is going to help it will already have done a lot of the work, and DC3 can take that with him to a sixth form college. Lots of people change where they go for sixth form. If DC3 really needs the special attentions and strategies of his private school to get him through A levels at this point, he must be really struggling and perhaps he could feel happier at a college with more vocational courses and less pressure.

No it will be bad for the relationship and he will probably dump you at some point if you do it. Men really don’t respect women who’ve had to bail them out financially in the early stages of relationships. The dynamic becomes off because you’ll have emasculated him.

BF is part retired? So he could actually work more/earn more?
I'm suspicious of DB's reasons for sharing his distress with you. He must know you are comfortable (aware of your expensive family holidays for a start).

BF can work full time again, issue solved

Mmm, I'm wondering if he wants her to pay.

My mum used to sit and rave about how smart and well educated my stepdad's nieces and nephews were til she made my sister hopping mad that she literally never discussed how well her own two grandkids were. My sister never forgave her and mum died without sis saying a word to her. So now she has this long lasting resentment (never one to let go of a grudge) inside her that she will never be rid of.

Me? I'd be the one who'd say "what do you expect from kids with a dad who earns 150k in Devon mum? How about you celebrate my boy's achievements in life instead of banging on about that lot?"

Mum would say "oops, was i really?" look guilty, say sorry, and probably only talk about them when asked.

Whatever you do, don't be that person. Resentment can be v strong for normal schooled versus public schooled, even if it is decades down the line. It's like the blinking freemasons as far as i can tell. Not what you know, but who.

Just be discreet pls.

And yeah I agree. If partner was genuinely that devastated he would not even hesitate to get back to work (ill health excepting). Presumably he knows you to be a generous person? Think very hard about whether you are being taken for a mug before you decide. People hoard money by getting people to believe they are on their arses broke. My LL own 1.2 million in houses - in the North by having spent their lives having people feel sorry for them.

Personally, the only circumstance in which i would even consider doing this would be if i was married and had full access to joint bank accounts to verify said lack of funds.

Partner? No way. Not even a fiancé.

Absolutely this.

You’ve said that you benefitted from such help and want to pay it forward. You’ve said you can afford it, it won’t cause you an issue financially, or otherwise in terms of your DC.
If it’s doable, giving the money for the two years in one go would insulate against a split- if you can afford it.

Lots of people on here- me included- would not have this within reach at all, the money involved would just be too much, so it seems a shocking thing to consider. But you seem as though you’re in a different financial place altogether, so if you want to, go ahead.

Going against the grain of most posters, if I could change the life of a young person who is close to me, even indirectly, by giving a few thousand, then I would want to do it, especially if I could do it whilst still giving my own children what I want to give them (=a fully paid up first Uni degree with no debt, and then they can make their own way in the world), and also without having to cut back personal spending nor to put my own financial security at risk,

My only hesitations would be around any problematic feelings that could provoke in others, because people can get really weird about money, in a way that they often do not about other forms of generosity.

DD had the benefit of private education. DH and I would have taken 2nd or 3rd jobs before we asked anyone else to help. It’s not your problem it’s your OH’s and his ex. Use your money to make a difference to a child who has little e.g. sponsoring or donating to a food bank.

If it was that important to him he'd go back to work full time for a couple of years, or even take out a small loan to cover the shortfall, but he has chosen to start to wind down and semi retire, and that decision has a consequence of not having as much money available.

6th form costs today, university costs tomorrow. The begging bowl won’t be put away. These people need to sort out their finances.

As he is part retired you would be paying for his lifestyle choice. Would you offer to pay some of his mortgage or his food bill? He is making the choice not to fund this, he could work full time or make other arrangements.

@WhyWhyWhyDelulu im going to go against the grain here. If you can afford to and don’t want/need it back I would.

They’ve been able to afford to send three children through private school but have neither £5k each in savings nor £5k each in releasable equity?

Pick me behaviour.