To pay my boyfriend’s child’s school fees?

[WhyWhyWhyDelulu]

Need MN perspective. Boyfriend and I have been together for over a year but have known each other for a lot longer. We don’t live together but are close.

Boyfriend’s DC are at a top public school and for various reasons he and his ex-wife can no longer afford the (expensive) fees for their DC3. They have already paid for DC 1&2 to complete the school. But without more money, youngest DC3 will be moving at the end of this year to do sixth form elsewhere.

Boyfriend is really upset, as is DC3. I have the means to meet the shortfall - should I do so?

For context, I have no relationship with DC3 (never met) this would completely and wholly be done as a favour to Boyfriend. My DC are through school and did not go to private school at all. However, I did go to private school and various people helped my parents out with fees, so this feels like karma.

YABU - this is a BF problem only and DC3 will be fine
YANBU - education is a gift and this will not be wasted

I think that there are a lot worthies causes than giving 10k to your new boyfriend for a kid you've never met before to go to private 6th form.
Your boyfriend needs to go back to work.

Him being upset, doesn't mean you have to fix it.
I would examine your own feelings here. Rescuer?
Thats a hell of a lot of money.
You didn't even use private school for your own children, so it would be quite a statement to pay for his.
I think that you should put the idea out of your head. It is not a good idea for your relationship, and will put you in a weird dynamic. Its also really unfair on your own family.
Your boyfriend and his ex wife need to work this one out.

Can’t believe people are saying no. If you can afford it, why the hell wouldn’t you? People are so mean

How much are you actually talking about? Fees at a 'top public school' (although there is actually no such thing as a public school) are 20k a term boarding (some more, some less). Day pupils in these same schools are north of 15k a term. This is including the 20% VAT - is this the bit you are thinking of paying? If so, that's considerably more than 10k total over the two years.

Hundred percent agree. If this was to do with someone’s health , life or death scenario or a very hindered life without treatment, the responses here might be very different , especially for a child or young adult.

the parents would have a ‘reason’ to be working less and presumably would have exhausted all feasible avenues .
it wouldn’t be anywhere near as odd if op wanted to step in and help, regardless of the length of the relationship .

And if you split within the next few months? Years? The child would have to leave in any case. Can't they send child to a less expensive private school?

You can be a benefactor if you want to be, but what happens if you and this man split up?

How much money are you talking about?

Top public schools are around £40Kpa, day fees.

You said you'd contribute- how much?

It puts your boyfriend under huge pressure because he's beholden to you and what if he wants to end your relationship before the 2 years are up?

My DC are fine - they had amazing educations

amazing educations

For the love of God do not do this.

Did it not cross your mind there could be a problem if they split up?

Absolutely this. You would do this for a boyfriend you’ve not been with for long, for a child you haven’t met? If I were one of your children and found out, I’d be really unhappy that you seem to put an unknown’s education ahead of mine. Are you supporting your own children through university with no strings?

No. If I can afford to help someone it’s not going to be transactional and therefore whataboutisms don’t matter.

You need to ask your kids what they think of you spending their inheritance on random kids you’ve never met

You said your contribution would be £10K for the next 2 years.
Do you mean £10K pa or £10K in total?

That's a very naive way of looking at it.

The very nature of this IS transactional because the recipient is her boyfriend's child and if they split up there could be repercussions.

Your username sums it up OP.

😂

This. I would be furious.

Devastated is a bit strong. Going to a different sixth form is not the end of the world, its not like being removed mid year or halfway through secondary. If your boyfriend can't afford the fees, presumably he won't be able to afford to repay you.

If he's part retired, why can't he unretire and earn the £10k?

This 100%

No. Just no.

You don't know what you or one of your children might need in the future. We all know the NHS is on its knees. What if one of you needs urgent surgery or treatment that either isn't available on the NHS or is only available after waiting months and months?

Keep your money. BF can up his hours or take out a bank loan if he feels that devastated.

If you posted asking about paying fees for the last GCSE year or the last few A-level terms then I think my response would be different (given it sounds like this isn't a massive financial strain for you). But 16+ is a natural transition point and there are plenty of very strong state options, so I think the downsides of such a lopsided gift in a relationship probably outweigh the benefits.

If you do decide to move forward I think the only approach I would consider is to just provide the funds up front with no strings attached so that you're not linking your relationship to the teen's ability to finish their exams uninterrupted once they start. I think that's the only fair thing for the teen and it's going to be the best thing for your relationship.

I was all for YABU until the end of your post. (There are lots of great sixth forms out there blah blah blah).

However, I think if people helped your parents out then this is a nice way to 'pay it forward'. As long as you genuinely think of it as a gift, won't begrudge it if you break up with bf etc.

I think if it’s a relatively trivial amount and it would mean a lot to someone I loved, I’d do it.

I say this as someone who dislikes selective education. Only because being around really bright and talented people has been one of the joys of my life.

If he is part retired surely the obvious solution is for him to go back to work full time if he wants to keep his child at a very expensive school? Why would he partly retire given that that the fee increase was flagged constantly for what feels like eternity.