To pay my boyfriend’s child’s school fees?

[WhyWhyWhyDelulu]

Need MN perspective. Boyfriend and I have been together for over a year but have known each other for a lot longer. We don’t live together but are close.

Boyfriend’s DC are at a top public school and for various reasons he and his ex-wife can no longer afford the (expensive) fees for their DC3. They have already paid for DC 1&2 to complete the school. But without more money, youngest DC3 will be moving at the end of this year to do sixth form elsewhere.

Boyfriend is really upset, as is DC3. I have the means to meet the shortfall - should I do so?

For context, I have no relationship with DC3 (never met) this would completely and wholly be done as a favour to Boyfriend. My DC are through school and did not go to private school at all. However, I did go to private school and various people helped my parents out with fees, so this feels like karma.

YABU - this is a BF problem only and DC3 will be fine
YANBU - education is a gift and this will not be wasted

I’ve read all of OP’s posts but not entire thread so apologies if I’ve missed anything. OP I actually would consider this in your shoes. I had a terrible state education and have been lucky to do well despite this. My DC are now at independent schools as education is something I really value and think can set you up for life. Imposition of VAT has affected my DH’s retirement and fees now a struggle. If someone for whom £10k wasn’t a massive issue could help my DC complete sixth form in their school I would take the money. Equally if it was someone I was close to and could afford it I would give the cash. I think a lot of the negative replies may be judgements more about independent schools.

Absolutely do not do this. New relationship your thinking of paying for his kids education. Nit your problem.

How do you know there’s no trickery or deception.
We don’t have the full picture, how the subject came up, how the loan/ gift suggestion came about etc

No. Read the posts. Mostly it's financial.

He’s devastated that his child has to go to a state 6th form? I’d dump him for that alone.

No. Going to a state sixth form will be really good for her to meet other people & prepare for the real world at university. Like your children did.

If you’d known them for years and were an active step parent in their lives this would be a generous jesture but for a child you’ve never even met, madness! Between them they’ll either find the funds or move them to somewhere affordable.

So let him get a full time job and pay it himself

But her boyfriend obviously doesn’t think education is “the best thing he can spend his money on”. He is more bothered about being able to give up work in his early fifties. So it is ridiculous for OP to chip in.

Give the money to somebody whose parents genuinely can’t afford it, not somebody whose parents just want to retire early.

Hey OP.

I think private education is clearly a very touchy subject at the moment. I'm also from a family where education is everything, and where affordability is a team effort, I completely empathize with your viewpoint. DCs are currently in state primary but as a family we are pulling out all the stops/plans necessary to switch it up for secondary.

Anyhow, I think if you're in a position to afford it, want to do a nice thing, and your children are fine as you say they are - I honestly don't see why not.

Obviously you have to question if you'd be okay the the expenses paid if you and bf were to split up... The relationship is also quite fresh too which might make me pause for thought.

However, I think it's lovely that you're considering it. Sorry you're being a bit slammed.

This exactly!

How can you know how well a strangers child will do at an unknown school?

Regardless of that it would be mad to pay the fees, wouldn't it make him feel inadequate as well?

This is what I can't help thinking. So many kids going to bed hungry...

I think it’s an insane idea, but I’m not a very high earner. I think it depends on how much £10k is actually worth to you, for a lot of people it’s half a house deposit or nearly half their salary, but for others it’s a holiday or new winter clothes.
I went to a private school on bursary and almost all of us went to non-paying sixth forms. I think it was a relief for a lot of parents that they could save a bit before the kids went to uni, which might be a good idea for your DBF unless he’d be open to working again

Do millionaires just help people’s offspring who are already doing ok but their parents have taken a step down from work or do they tend to help people who for whatever reason would not have the opportunity otherwise?
this teenager is not any kind of prodigy according to the op, and I don’t see how it can be classed as a charitable donation.
The parents were comfortably off and have chosen to continue to rest on their laurels now that their financial situation has changed.
i don’t think any altruistic millionaire is going to see their situation and think this is a good way to offset their taxes?

^ This.

Because the OP has said that this young person is academic and - I quote - "a whizz".
That is how I know.
She says the person is hard working and clever? They will do well.
ps although he/she/they is a stranger to the OP as well, it would seem.

I find this hard to understand as someone who went to a state primary, studied hard to get into a grammar, went to a great university and am now a high earner. Never had a penny from family. What's the benefit you see in him continuing in private education?

Don’t mix money and someone else’s family. It won’t go well. The parents need to accept that they can’t afford it. Plus with uni afterwards then they need this time to save

I think it would be very bad form to do that for the kids of a bloke you’ve known a year, when you didn’t for your own kids.

If you're going to do this at least do some digging on him first and if you pay the fees make sure you pay the school directly and it's all above board. Has it never crossed your mind that he's after your money? He's 'devastated' about the lack of money but the only thing he's actually doing about it is planting ideas in your head.

Why cant your BF come out of his part retirement and increase his income?

If you have the money and the amount is "no big deal" then why not. It has to be money you won't miss and won't regret paying even if your relationship ends.

However, money changes things. Are you willing to continue even if the relatioship ends? Will this change dynamics? WIll you be upset if the child does poorly in school? Will you be ok with bf spending money to frivolous things?

Duh, you got it wrong. She said DC3 has never been touted as academic whizz
Boom! Never been whizzy, academically

Your own children didn’t have the privilege of private education. You have only been in this relationship for over 1 year and never met the child who is actually a young adult if entering sixth form. It is your own children’s inheritance that you will be spending on a child that you have never met. Your child may require financial help themselves in the future.