To pay my boyfriend’s child’s school fees?

[WhyWhyWhyDelulu]

Need MN perspective. Boyfriend and I have been together for over a year but have known each other for a lot longer. We don’t live together but are close.

Boyfriend’s DC are at a top public school and for various reasons he and his ex-wife can no longer afford the (expensive) fees for their DC3. They have already paid for DC 1&2 to complete the school. But without more money, youngest DC3 will be moving at the end of this year to do sixth form elsewhere.

Boyfriend is really upset, as is DC3. I have the means to meet the shortfall - should I do so?

For context, I have no relationship with DC3 (never met) this would completely and wholly be done as a favour to Boyfriend. My DC are through school and did not go to private school at all. However, I did go to private school and various people helped my parents out with fees, so this feels like karma.

YABU - this is a BF problem only and DC3 will be fine
YANBU - education is a gift and this will not be wasted

And if he were that bothered he could get a job and as a PP said unretire himself

If the OP is considering dropping £40k on school fees for a bf of a year then I wouldn’t be surprised if her skiing holidays cost £40k, what with the first class flights and luxury chalet in Whistler with staff to tend to their every whim.

Your user name is apt.
it sounds like you’ve already made up your mind. If you’re minted enough to pay someone else’s child’s school fees when you’ve never met the kid and have not been in relationship for long then why not.
as long as you can afford it.

i think it’d be kinder if you have that money to spend it on your own kids or something for people in genuine need but it’s your money.

weird how you say your kids’ prospects are better than the prospects of his privately educated kid, even with your windfall.
if that’s the case, why are you bothering as your investment/ gift is not likely to lead to anything meaningful other than perhaps saving face for your partner and his wife and keeping a teen comfortable who you’ve never met ?

you mention social mobility as a work based project , this feels a bit like that,
I don’t really get it, I don’t get why you’re posting if you insist that you can afford it. You must really love this guy.

To come at it at a different angle, it’s clear that you recognize it’s not your obligation or expectation and you are not under any pressure from BF to fund the kids school fees, I don’t see any issue as a totally charitable act rather than taking responsibility for his child.

The risk is it may open the door for more money requests in the future depending on how greedy or not BF is, and it has the potential to change the dynamic of your relationship depending on the level of maturity and respect on both sides.

I will also add that if you do go ahead to make sure you have absolutely no expectations or strings attached eg if you end up breaking up next year you can’t come with “but I helped your kid etc” type comments.

Given your update about how you were supported to attend private school and given you can comfortably afford it without affecting your financial situation, your retirement or your kids then I think it’s a nice gesture as long as you take the points I made above into consideration.

Another suggestion, is there a way to help anonymously? Though it may turn awkward if they end up finding out. I prefer a more direct conversation to set expectations that this is a one off and doesn’t mean they are coming back for more but I understand that not everyone is comfortable having direct conversations.

Depends how rich you are. If you can easily afford it then I would

Given he is semi retired, any reason your BF or his ex wife can't get an extra job, release equity in their homes or drawn down on any private pensions? Part retiring whilst you have a child in school seems like very poor planning. Nobody I know who has had private school educated children has made any changes to their financial situation until their last child got their A Level results. Many parents still top up their children at Uni.

There are plenty of decent state sixth form colleges. You’d be insane to pay for post 16 education for someone else’s child.

If you want to spend £40k on a stranger rather than your own family, it's up to you.

Supporting social mobility is more important.

oh give it a rest. Now isn’t the time for the avaricious society look after no1 speech
The father who works a leisurely part time isn’t putting himself out. At all. That speak volumes. A dad who won’t interrupt his own step down from PT to FT to step up for his own child.

Lots of men, most even, wouldn’t be able to find a spare £20k per year for that

If you have enough cash spare to do that for someone you have never met you could throw some my way thanks.

Why has he semi-retired when he has a private education to pay for? Him & his ex-wife are Cocklodgers!

I think that's over simplifying

It's not a strong relationship. If this was a long-standing relationship and a stepchild that she had a bond with, it would be different. She doesn't even know the child.

It's not an especially deserving cause. £50 would feed a child in an SOS children's village orphanage for a month.

www.soschildrensvillages.org.uk/donate/

If I had the money and could help a child, I would. Give it as a gift nothing else. If something else comes later on. Assess it then. Only use the information you have now, to help you make this decision.

Depends on a few things:

How much? Would you be ok to "lose" the money?

If you broke up would you pull the rug?

You said youve known him a while and never met D3, so would you do this for someone else?

I would absolutely no way do this.

The child has both a mother and a father and they have both been irresponsible to not ensure they have the money needed to pay the fees.

Not your problem!

If your boyfriend would accept this from you while being part retired and not taking up another job to meet the shortfall then I would be appalled.

im also surprised at another poster who said their parents needed friends and family to chip in so they could go to private school. I would never expect money from friends to fund my child’s education if I chose a private school instead of a free one.

If you have the cash - why not.

If he agrees to take your money, you will never know if he is with you because he loves you or because you paid for his son's schooling and he feels he owes you a relationship.

Or is that what you are aiming to achieve?

No. Absolutely not.

She already said that it doesn’t affect her family so I don’t get your points. Many people pay things forward and if she can comfortably afford it I don’t see the issue. Of course she shouldn’t put her financial situation or kids in jeopardy to help others but the logic of not helping strangers is a weird one.

there are many millionaires in the US who would pay the tuition of a whole class in the US and they don’t take the approach of “they are strangers”. I see it more as appreciating what you have been blessed with and blessing others as well.

Again as long as she can comfortably afford it and it’s not at the expense of her kids or her financial future.

Use your generosity to help DC that would really benefit from your help.

I would consider it since it’s only for sixth form but then does it open the gates for them to keep asking.

As if any decent bloke would let you do this 🙄