Why the dislike for larger families?

[momtoboys]

Posting here for traffic.

There was a post yesterday from a mom who had five children. I was surprised at the level of vitriol leveled at her for her larger than normal family. Things were said such as “you can’t properly parent five children”, “well, that’s your fault for having so many children”!

I have five children who are now grown. It made me wonder if people in my real world were thinking those mean things about my family. Why does it seem to be such a big deal? People choose the number of children that will complete their families. For some families it is one. Others it is six. Why do people seem to judge harshly if it is a higher number?

Op what’s your relationships like with all 4 now that they’re adults?

“Her struggle” being a completely unreasonable thread that you seem to have interpreted very differently from everyone else

Have you actually read the post? I think you’ve totally missed the point. The OP is complaining that she has 5 children and her MIL won’t help out. That is the issue under discussion, not the size of the family.

For me it’s interesting how the Op has completely misinterpreted the thread.

Makes me wonder whether the OP interpreting people as “disliking larger families” is also a misinterpretation.

Sorry I’m a bit confused, I suppose I did want to state that I have provided for all my children /my family because quite often it has been assumed that people who have large families claim and live of benefits which in my case had never been the case. However I also have juggled the each of their needs, I have always sat down and done everything that someone with 1 or 2 children do homework’s etc 1-2-1 time. We’ve had holidays granted not as many as many smaller families but also large families also have their own positives.

Yes providing a home, and the ‘basics’ was the main of my post but the love and the time I also provide as a mum for me goes without saying just because I have a large family doesn’t mean I don’t provide the emotional support, time, discipline and nurturing for each individual child for their individual needs. It’s hard work but that was my choice. My main focus was because people assume parents are lazy and don’t work to provide. I was wrong to assume people haven’t been met with judgement assuming they don’t provide the additional than the basics.

The only person I know with a particularly large family in this generation does it because she absolutely adores the baby stage. She has tonnes of energy and are works extremely hard not looking for input from her husband or extended family.

I will say though and her issues would be the same if she had 3 or 8, she drops each child like a stone when the next baby comes along. It is incredibly damaging to do that and she definitely must have some deep issues that have contributed to this behaviour.

I grew up in a large family, my parents were not of the capability of dealing with that and it turned out there was serious neglect in the family and a subsequent cover up for abuse that happened in the family too. They were hard working but with that amount of kids they simply had to work in some short cuts and that facilitated the abuse.

I’m sure some people do it well but it presents unique challenges no matter what.

I think it was more that the OP on that thread had 5 kids but was expecting help from her MIL. I firmly believe you should have the number of children that you and your partner can cope with. People aren’t obligated to help, even if they are family.

But I do believe that no-one needs more than 2 or 3 kids. I don’t believe you can give them all the time they deserve, which is unfair on the children.

This. My friends daughter is in sixth form and is having to do school pick ups for younger siblings due to her parents splitting up (Dad has run off) and friend having to work (understandably).
A situation that can’t be helped but not ideal for a teenager trying to study.

you have 7 children, 2 of which with current partner.

How did you even date with 5 children??! And did he come to the relationship with any children?

Seriously though, how do you give each child enough attention? All well and good saying you do it, but I just can't fathom how there are enough hours in the day to give that many kids much attention or to facilitate their interests or needs. How do you divide up your time sufficiently?

I know one or two people who seem to need very little down time and less sleep than other people. They are the sort that could probably do well with a big family. You either need that or to be able to throw money at it or have willing and able extended family.

Big families are like several family structures, not inherently wrong or bad but realistically most people are going to do a bad job of it. Most of the big families I've actually known have seemed quite dysfunctional.

It really does depend on individual circumstances. If there’s enough money and lots of extended family hell I think it’s a wonderful thing. If it’s a family where each child has a different dad and there’s a huge welfare need then obviously it’s less than ideal. I think when people hear ‘large family’ they assume the latter.

The OP of the other thread was bitching because her MIL wouldn’t drop everything at the last minute to come and look after her kids so she could buy nappies - that’s why she got such short shrift.

But also, five kids is a lot and it’s not realistic to expect other people to look after them or to really want to be around them. I knew a few large families growing up and it all looked incredibly stressful and expensive.

It's not hate, its just bemusement that anyone thinks having five plus children will enhance their lives and frustration with some of the rhetoric about big families being good.

The reality today is that unless you are seriously wealthy, having multiple children is going to a) leave your children financially stretched and b) mean you have no free time and money yourself so every waking minute of your life revolves around meeting your child's needs.

It baffles me that anyone can persuade themselves that having child after child on a low or non-existent income will be a net positive either for them or for the children.

I see posts on here from people saying "I always wanted a big family/a football team," and I scratch my head and think: "why?" Can you really not envisage that having a "football team" will just be an impoverished, chaotic mess?

My eldest 5 are 18, 16, 15 and 13 year old twins. They don’t wish to have as much one on one time these days (unfortunately) usually comes with a bribe more for my needs to have it. When they were younger it may not have been as much as someone with one child or as extravagant money wise which I think is fair but we would go for ice creams, out for special breakfasts or a meal out, kick about with the football, shopping trips with the girls (the boys it would have been their worst idea of fun). We also make time every Friday night to all have a ‘fake away’ tea and we play on switch on main tv which is only for family game nights together and sometimes get the ‘boring’ board games out (as the kids call them). It’s about making the time. Now am I perfect no does it always run smoothly no and often ideas need tweaking. But it takes constant effort. But end of the day that’s what being a parent is about doesn’t matter how many children you have. I always made time to sit with them as individuals to help with homework, listen to them read. When younger, the staggered bedtimes meant they also all were read to at bedtime. Tbh maybe I’ve been lucky because as they got older because they were close in age, they actually preferred to do things and activities all together or in smaller groups. When 1-2-1 time was arranged they would always ask and say they’d rather do something with one or two of their siblings an activity they’d both enjoy or wanted to do with me. (Looking back Maybe my company wasn’t as fun as I thought haha) but what I’m trying to say is not everyone is rich who have large families and not everyone who has large families claim from the tax payers and expect benefits to pay for their choices and circumstances. Also where realistically my children may not have had as much individual attention as only children or smaller families they have had other positives in lives that they wouldn’t have had being in a smaller family. Nor does it mean they haven’t had enough individual time. There is no time to sit down or have my own hobbies, maybe that’s a reason my first marriage didn’t work because life is super busy and hectic 🤷🏻‍♀️. Now will have I failed sometimes along the way sure I have, one thing I feel I could have allowed more would be them having friends round for tea, sleepovers when younger. But as they’ve got older I did allow that more and realised I was saying no more than I was saying yes. I’ve a big age gap between my eldest 5 and youngest 2, which does help in many ways now and their needs are very different at different ages. Sorry for the long reply. I understand it’s hard for some to get their head round, and I’m sure there are large families who maybe could do more so to speak and in all honesty admire those who have smaller families or those with one child, I respect their choices and circumstances but I struggle to get my head round it, because of how much juggling I have do. For me organisation is the key, and routine or I wouldn’t be able to juggle everyone’s needs my friends with less children don’t seem to have to be so strict on themselves and I do admire that and at times a little envious.

This. It would be a rare set of parents who had the economic resources, emotional capacity and house space to raise five children well. My siblings and I are the result of the ‘impoverished, chaotic mess’ environment, and we have voted with our feet. Between the five of us (four of us female and now post-menopause) we have one child by choice, mine.

I think it's interesting that you say they all just happen to never really want one on one, and they all prefer doing things in groups. If all 7 did actually want some individual attention could you realistically provide it? You say you got lucky with them being like this, but it doesn't sound like they've had much choice.

I respect their choices and circumstances but I struggle to get my head round it, because of how much juggling I have do. For me organisation is the key, and routine or I wouldn’t be able to juggle everyone’s needs

I would find that way of life exhausting. I am someone who very much needs me time and not be at the beck at call of multiple children 24/7. I hate chaos and drudgery, and I view having to cook, clean, wash etc after such a large family utterly and mind numbingly monotonous and boring, even with everyone pulling their weight. Not to mention friendship issues, relationship issues, GCSEs, A levels, UCAS x 7.

Due to infertility I didn't manage to have a successful pregnancy until 41. I had an easy pregnancy and labour, but I would not have wanted to do that several times over.

It isn't judgment from me, but bafflement that someone wants to make their life so difficult, expensive and exhausting.

I was a teacher for 20 years. I will never forget the family of 7 children. The mother loved babies. Her babies always had large frilly prams ( a new one for each new baby) were beautifully dressed and obviously adored. As soon as they got to 18 months that was it. There would already be a new baby and the older ones were basically ignored. They were always 'grey' and thin and grubby. She loved being pregnant and the baby stage. Once they weren't babies she didn't care about them.. I left that school after 3 years. I dare say she had more and more and more babies.

I don’t hate people with large families, but I do think it’s irresponsible to have a lot of children because of the state of the planet. I feel guilty for having two 😂

I don’t see any dislike just for the fact of having them. IMO the dislike or hostility occurs only when people who have chosen to have large families, either expect the taxpayer to fund them, or else expect friends/family to help on a regular basis. Or both.

I have two but don't think negatively of large families. When we are old we are going to need younger people to be working and paying taxes. We are an ageing population and that's going to cause problems.

Because some parents of larger families complain about having large families and it being so hard/expensive/difficult to buy x y z... which pisses off parents with fewer children who might have wanted more but stopped at fewer. (One or two spoil it for the majority)

Because it's a stereotype that large families are poor, feckless, multiple fathers, benefits scroungers and nice middle class families have two or three children only.

Jealousy.

Because children of large families (and poor or bame or disabled) are judged for their behaviour more harshly and it is down to parents' poor decisions. (Seen on school playground and in school staff/professionals)

Especially when life was tough with child number 3, then 4, and 5.

There is a lot of context to be added here and I didn't see the thread or recognise the poster.

I have 4 kids. Sometimes I moan about the cost of school shoes (usually when chatting to friends, parents of one or two kids, who are having a whinge!) I am staggered at the cost of certain types of holiday - I simply will not pay £15k for a trip to Disneyworld. I'm sure the kids feel hard done by for that! We do go abroad every year though. Sometimes I "put upon" (ie accept childcare from) others - my parents are in their very early 60s, both retired for a few years, and are extremely keen to see us all often.

I cannot imagine a world where I was having a rough day and I didn't have ANYONE who would drop round nappies, or a Calpol bottle, or a lasagne. I've done that for friends in the past (driving across town with a bottle of calamine lotion and a pint of milk for a friend's sister!) I can imagine feeling quite sad and disappointed if no one, not even close family or my own husband ffs, would do the same for me. As I say not knowing the back story of this poster I think I can empathise with the feeling of frustrations and abandonment.