DP lied about his holiday allowance and we can’t go away

[Takethat88]

I’m feeling a bit fed up…I’ve been with DP since mid 2023.

I knew when we met that he had an annual solo trip to Thailand every winter, and was planning on it again in 2024. Fine - but using 3 weeks of his holiday allowance meant our chances to go away together were limited as he also turned a 3 day stag do in Prague into an extended week long trip.

This year, he told me he would shorten his Thailand trip to 2 weeks so we could have a week away in September. When it came to us looking to book this in July, he told me out of nowhere he had ‘forgotten’ he has a friends trip to Berlin in December as one of them is celebrating a landmark birthday! So due to other days he has booked here and there over the year, he doesn’t have a week spare for us to go away!

I even suggested joining him in Thailand as I’ve never been but he scoffed at the idea and doesn’t think it’s my cup of tea.

Am I wrong to think that if my partner can’t prioritise a holiday with me after 2 years, he needs a big ultimatum?

He's middle aged? I thought he was in his 20s with the island hopping beach life.
Nope. It's not good.

He’s not going to marry you OP. As you say, he’s only got a suitcase of stuff so he can just leave whenever he wants. That’s not the sign of someone who wants a lifelong commitment.

Hes incredibly selfish for not even attempting to compromise one of his holidays - he could cut a few days off all of them to give himself a week with you, you could join him for one week in Thailand and he’d still have 2 weeks alone there, or he could tell his mates he can’t make it to Prague this year.

He can't even commit to a week's holiday, there's no way he would commit to a marriage. You're wasting your time here op

Sorry, I have read your update about your miss matched holiday styles.

You don't like to travel long distances and get travel sick and your idea of a holiday is a week all inclusive with TUI. That would be my idea of hell. I hate resorts. What's the point of going all that way to sit in an all inclusive resort.

That said he could at least do it for you once.

Don't marry him. You have children from a previous relationship and it will really bugger up any inheritance. If you're in england your will is revoked upon marriage and your husband will become your sole beneficiary. You have to make a new will. It's difficult to disinherit the husband blah blah.

I d say no one who has children from a previous relationship should ever marry again because of it, but that might be an extreme view.

And if your life partner wanted to join you for a week or two of that month, would you be happy about that?

Thailand solo trips - I’m with many others on here…

And this isn’t great either. He sounds like he isn’t interested in settling:

He always said he never has more than a suitcase worth of stuff so he could move out of somewhere within minutes if needed!

So he lies about his holiday allowance and you think he is telling the truth about holidays in Thailand.

I would be worried about him bringing me an unwanted 'present' back from his island hopping.

The fact you have DCs and are still entertaining a relationship with this guy makes it even worse. DCs need stability, not some “free-sprited”, possible sex tourist bloke that may drop them, their mother, and what passes for a shared life on a whim and leave with his one suitcase of stuff which he keeps deliberately light for a quick escape. I too thought you were both much, much younger because of they way you described his behaviour. 40s? Life is far too short for dating Peter Pan.

So he tells you....🤔🤔🤔

You say you would like to marry him 'in an ideal world'?

He won't even go on holiday with you! His entire behaviour around holidays shows he does not want to spend time with you. Regardless of what you think he's doing on these holidays (and I think you're being very naive) you are not a priority for him.

Are you normally this gullible?

Definitely a sex tourist. 3 weeks, same country known for its sex menu, and won't consider taking you?

Even if you won't accept he's a sex tourist, then he's obviously not wanting to holiday with you. That's al problem on its own. Someone who loved you would want to share it with you!

Don't let his personal fool you, btw. DH's oldest friend started going to Thailand to play golf after his divorce. Insisted that's all it was. Eventually he couldn't help himself & boasted about his conquests to DH. Who was disgusted, and surprised I'd already figured it out.....

He sounds like he needs to grow up a bit. It’s fine if you want to be single and have that kind of lifestyle but to be in a relationship, particularly one where you’re both a bit older (not an insult, but as other PP’s said, I assumed he was in his 20s) it screams long term selfishness to not think of you in the mix of all of this.

Some men just don’t grow up, or have a desire to. It sounds like he is one of those. Fair enough, be a “free spirit” but you can’t have it all. What are you getting out of this relationship OP?

Oh my God, get rid!

Why do grown men lie about stuff like this?! Did he think you wouldn’t notice? I would probably be throwing this one back

This ^

I knew a man who went to Thailand for a month every year for the 'golf'...

I knew a lot of women that played golf funnily enough none of them played for a month at a time in Thailand.

Op you sound gullible and desperate to marry anyone.

Stop sleeping with him and get checked out.

No ultimatum - just leave.

Oh, it's a joke thread.

In my opinion you are being beyond naive. He’s not only using prostitutes in Thailand, but almost certainly in Prague and Berlin too.

But …, even allowing he’s not. Why on earth would you put up with him not prioritising you and your relationship in any way whatsoever? Why have you so little respect for yourself? I wouldn’t be bothering with an ultimatum, I’d be walking away, and planning a lovely holiday of my own.

Tell him that you will be going to Thailand and ask for his travel details so you can book your flights. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

If someone doesn't want to spend their holidays with you then it says something about your relationship. I personally would take it to mean that I'm good enough for the mundane everyday life but not for the fun memory making stuff. And that wouldn't be good enough for me.

Absolutely this!

Op, you have asked your DP to set aside a week so you can holiday together and he can't even manage that. He would rather his 2/3 weeks in Thailand alone and friends big bday trips than set aside time to holiday with you. That's all you need to know op. Time to start thinking about ending this relationship. You are not even close to his first priority.

Then why does he not want you to come? Surely it would be on your own head if it was not your type of holiday.