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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP lied about his holiday allowance and we can’t go away

598 replies

Takethat88 · 10/09/2025 08:00

I’m feeling a bit fed up…I’ve been with DP since mid 2023.

I knew when we met that he had an annual solo trip to Thailand every winter, and was planning on it again in 2024. Fine - but using 3 weeks of his holiday allowance meant our chances to go away together were limited as he also turned a 3 day stag do in Prague into an extended week long trip.

This year, he told me he would shorten his Thailand trip to 2 weeks so we could have a week away in September. When it came to us looking to book this in July, he told me out of nowhere he had ‘forgotten’ he has a friends trip to Berlin in December as one of them is celebrating a landmark birthday! So due to other days he has booked here and there over the year, he doesn’t have a week spare for us to go away!

I even suggested joining him in Thailand as I’ve never been but he scoffed at the idea and doesn’t think it’s my cup of tea.

Am I wrong to think that if my partner can’t prioritise a holiday with me after 2 years, he needs a big ultimatum?

OP posts:
curlyteapot · 10/09/2025 09:01

Takethat88 · 10/09/2025 08:52

He is right that my preferred holiday is a week all inclusive courtesy of DTui but I would happily go to Thailand even if it meant a fair bit of travelling.

I think he just likes his own company. It’s probably why he is non committal regarding moving into together too. He always said he never has more than a suitcase worth of stuff so he could move out of somewhere within minutes if needed!

Show quote history

Let's say he genuinely is going for Thailand for the food and the island hopping and he genuinely believes that you wouldn't enjoy this, you're clearly very low on his list of priorities as he hasn't even tried to make time for the two of you to go away together.

But I'm very sorry to say, the optics of a guy going to Thailand solo for 3 weeks every year are not good. I can see you're disagreeing with other people saying this, but I don't think his intentions are innocent especially as he's adamant he doesn't want you joining him and is dismissive about it, too.

Please just think to yourself, is this the life you want? He's already telling you through his actions you're not important to him.

Bikergran · 10/09/2025 09:01

Takethat88 · 10/09/2025 08:06

I don’t have concerns over why he goes to Thailand - he island hops, loves the food and exploring. He certainly isn’t the type to indulge in the seedier side of things and steers well clear of those areas.

Yes, of course that's what he says. What do you think all the paedo pervs tell their wives? This has been going on for years, one of my mother's friends back in the 1980s contracted a really serious STD from her husband, a rich, middle-class, respected lawyer, because he liked screwing little girls in Thailand. Either way, he obviously doesn't want to spend time with you. I'd be packing and running.

Seriouslychild · 10/09/2025 09:01

Takethat88 · 10/09/2025 08:15

I know it’s AIBU I do think it’s a bit of a cliché to jump to the extremes of he’s a sex tourist or even more bonkers to say he has a secret wife and kid!!

He says that because I don’t like travelling too much once away and can struggle with travel sickness that I would struggle with the distances etc.

I think you are very naive.

WimpoleHat · 10/09/2025 09:02

He isn’t your partner OP, he’s a guy you’re seeing that doesn’t prioritise you

This is the harsh truth, I’m afraid. Even if he is somehow just off to Thailand for 3 weeks for totally wholesome reasons (and I hate to say it, but I’m inclined to agree with others on this), he is prioritising that over spending any of his best quality time witth you. And - after a 2 year relationship - that should tell you it isn’t a relationship that is going anywhere. Actions speak louder and all that.

GoBackToTheStart · 10/09/2025 09:02

Takethat88 · 10/09/2025 08:52

He is right that my preferred holiday is a week all inclusive courtesy of DTui but I would happily go to Thailand even if it meant a fair bit of travelling.

I think he just likes his own company. It’s probably why he is non committal regarding moving into together too. He always said he never has more than a suitcase worth of stuff so he could move out of somewhere within minutes if needed!

Show quote history

Op, he couldn’t be making it clearer that he is not for you. Why would you waste time waiting for someone to decide to commit to sharing some semblance of a life with you when it’s clearly not what he wants to do? It’s been two years. He should want to spend time with you. He doesn’t, to the extent of travelling for extended trips alone and with his friends and not even being able to save a handful of days of leave to spend with you. Is that not enough to make it obvious where you fall in his list of priorities? He’s showing you very, very clearly who he is and what your life will look like.

Original poster
Takethat88 · 10/09/2025 09:03

AlphaApple · 10/09/2025 08:56

Sounds like he is casual boyfriend material, not long term partner material. That's fine if you are both happy with that, if not, move on.

Are you of an age when you are thinking of marriage and kids in the future?

Kids - no, as have already had them from past relationship and DP doesn’t want them either as feels he’d be too old in his 40’s.

Marriage - in an ideal world!

OP posts:
Wishihadanalgorithm · 10/09/2025 09:03

You’ve only known him for a couple of years so I don’t think you do know that he isn’t a sex tourist. He definitely sounds like one as does the week long trip to Prague.

You aren’t his priority so ditch and move on or, stay and be increasingly unhappy. Your choice.

Missmarplesknittingbuddy · 10/09/2025 09:03

Takethat88 · 10/09/2025 08:52

He is right that my preferred holiday is a week all inclusive courtesy of DTui but I would happily go to Thailand even if it meant a fair bit of travelling.

I think he just likes his own company. It’s probably why he is non committal regarding moving into together too. He always said he never has more than a suitcase worth of stuff so he could move out of somewhere within minutes if needed!

Show quote history

So regardless of what he is or isn't doing in Thailand , after over two years together , he doesn't want to holiday with you and he doesn't want to live with you .
Is this what you want for your future ? .

Ellie1015 · 10/09/2025 09:03

Really unfair he is prioritising Thailand and friends trip after agreeing he would do a holiday with you, and he cant even compromise that you can come to Thailand.

It is weird that he needs a solo trip to Thailand every year even if not for prostitutes. If you want a family etc this kind of person won't work so I would end it.

AmyDuPlantier · 10/09/2025 09:03

Takethat88 · 10/09/2025 08:52

He is right that my preferred holiday is a week all inclusive courtesy of DTui but I would happily go to Thailand even if it meant a fair bit of travelling.

I think he just likes his own company. It’s probably why he is non committal regarding moving into together too. He always said he never has more than a suitcase worth of stuff so he could move out of somewhere within minutes if needed!

Show quote history

Honey you are insane. And being taken for an absolute ride.

He is non-commital about you in every way. For the love of fuck dump this loser; someone is out there who will love and prioritise you.

Dadstheworld · 10/09/2025 09:04

Lets say his current trips are entirely innocent

Will you be happy with never going on holiday with your partner ? Because that's what is happening.

I'd be seeing what his feelings really are on Thailand, Seems like his story will change from, " You wont like it" to " He prefers to travel alone" Which makes me suspicious over his real intentions

ILoveWhales · 10/09/2025 09:04

I don't agree with ultimatums. I don't see the point.

Either he's going to do it for you and make the effort or he's not and if he's not, there's no point being with him.

If you have to issue an ultimatum, to get him to do something basic, then that tells you what you need to know.

You ve been together since 2023, and he hasn't been able to go on holiday with you. That says it all.

I met my partner in 2023. So we've been together coming up for 3 years because it was early 2023.

We went on our first foreign holiday in less than a year of dating. This year we ve had three holidays and are booking a fourth.

He doesn't travel with anyone else now. He prioritizes me for his holidays. That's the point of a relationship.What's the point of being together if he doesn't.

ShanghaiDiva · 10/09/2025 09:05

Takethat88 · 10/09/2025 08:06

I don’t have concerns over why he goes to Thailand - he island hops, loves the food and exploring. He certainly isn’t the type to indulge in the seedier side of things and steers well clear of those areas.

seems strange that he doesn’t want to share his love of Thai food and culture with you….

chipsticksmammy · 10/09/2025 09:06

Takethat88 · 10/09/2025 08:00

I’m feeling a bit fed up…I’ve been with DP since mid 2023.

I knew when we met that he had an annual solo trip to Thailand every winter, and was planning on it again in 2024. Fine - but using 3 weeks of his holiday allowance meant our chances to go away together were limited as he also turned a 3 day stag do in Prague into an extended week long trip.

This year, he told me he would shorten his Thailand trip to 2 weeks so we could have a week away in September. When it came to us looking to book this in July, he told me out of nowhere he had ‘forgotten’ he has a friends trip to Berlin in December as one of them is celebrating a landmark birthday! So due to other days he has booked here and there over the year, he doesn’t have a week spare for us to go away!

I even suggested joining him in Thailand as I’ve never been but he scoffed at the idea and doesn’t think it’s my cup of tea.

Am I wrong to think that if my partner can’t prioritise a holiday with me after 2 years, he needs a big ultimatum?

Prague
Thailand
Berlin

I am seeing a pattern here.

Whirlpoolducksausage · 10/09/2025 09:06

Wow OP you really don't want to see do you.

Zempy · 10/09/2025 09:06

I wouldn’t bother with an ultimatum. Just bin him.

Busybeemumm · 10/09/2025 09:06

Takethat88 · 10/09/2025 08:15

I know it’s AIBU I do think it’s a bit of a cliché to jump to the extremes of he’s a sex tourist or even more bonkers to say he has a secret wife and kid!!

He says that because I don’t like travelling too much once away and can struggle with travel sickness that I would struggle with the distances etc.

But you have suggested you go along.

Relationships are about spending holidays together and compromise. If he can't do these things what exactly is he bringing to the table.

This would be a big no from me. It's not been too long of a relationship but long enough for you to know his priorities. You are not one of them.

ILoveWhales · 10/09/2025 09:06

ShanghaiDiva · 10/09/2025 09:05

seems strange that he doesn’t want to share his love of Thai food and culture with you….

Show quote history

Could be that his friends are complete arseholes and she'd be the lemon.

I don't automatically think these things are always sex. But possibly she just wouldn't fit into their dynamic of a bloke's holiday which means he shouldn't be booking it in the first place.

To me, it just sounds as if he's not that into her. When you're really into somebody, you would want to go on holiday with them. He's still acting as if he's single.

rainbowunicorn22 · 10/09/2025 09:07

Thailand can be a place for all sorts of unsavoury things. why would he want a holiday like that if he is in a committed relationship? nope steer clear

pizzaHeart · 10/09/2025 09:07

Gnarab24 · 10/09/2025 08:03

i actually think ultimatums are ridiculous. He’s shown you his priorities, emotionally blackmailing him in the short term won’t change the fact that he doesn’t prioritise you. Just leave.

This ^
its too late for ultimatums, he will promise you something which wont happen so you will lose another year so just leave.

Digdongdoo · 10/09/2025 09:07

Takethat88 · 10/09/2025 09:03

Kids - no, as have already had them from past relationship and DP doesn’t want them either as feels he’d be too old in his 40’s.

Marriage - in an ideal world!

Edited
Show quote history

OP I assumed you were in your 20s. A middle aged man acting like this isn't going to change. If you want commitment, you won't get it from him.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 10/09/2025 09:07

Yanbu to be hurt

Yabu yo give him an ultimatum. You've already made clear what you want - do you really want someone to spend their holidays with you because they know you'll walk away or kick off, rather than because they actually love spending time with you (more than being on their own or with mates) and want to prioritise this?

He has shown what he thinks of you, and shown that even though you've said you would compromise (do a trip that isn't your first choice), he won't. I think that would be over for me. Sorry

thestudio · 10/09/2025 09:07

You are incredibly, incredibly naive. You think he goes to the same sex-tourist destination year after year, alone, for weeks at a time, and does not want you to accompany him, because he likes travelling more than you?

You are with a man who is happy to penetrate and ejaculate into pimped human beings.

Setting that aside (though I don't understand how anyone could - they would effectively be being complicit), he sounds like a prick anyway.

LuLuLemonDrizzleCake · 10/09/2025 09:07

You are in a very one sided relationship.

I'd be tempted to say "I've booked two weeks off work, bought anti sickness pills and a rucksack so all ready to join you in Thailand. What's the plan?"

Then see what his face tells you.

Iamfree · 10/09/2025 09:08

excuse me while I throw up. There’s only ONE reason why he wants to go to Thailand by himself and it’s one no woman should accept from her partner. In the immortal words, throw this one back right now