DP lied about his holiday allowance and we can’t go away

[Takethat88]

I’m feeling a bit fed up…I’ve been with DP since mid 2023.

I knew when we met that he had an annual solo trip to Thailand every winter, and was planning on it again in 2024. Fine - but using 3 weeks of his holiday allowance meant our chances to go away together were limited as he also turned a 3 day stag do in Prague into an extended week long trip.

This year, he told me he would shorten his Thailand trip to 2 weeks so we could have a week away in September. When it came to us looking to book this in July, he told me out of nowhere he had ‘forgotten’ he has a friends trip to Berlin in December as one of them is celebrating a landmark birthday! So due to other days he has booked here and there over the year, he doesn’t have a week spare for us to go away!

I even suggested joining him in Thailand as I’ve never been but he scoffed at the idea and doesn’t think it’s my cup of tea.

Am I wrong to think that if my partner can’t prioritise a holiday with me after 2 years, he needs a big ultimatum?

How old are your children, OP?

I voted YABU because why are you with this man?

The only thing you’re going to get out of this relationship is a nasty infection.

Yes!! Like he is after a quick getaway if the police come knocking. He sounds a right catch OP 😔

It's a shame MN doesn't have a laugh emoji.

I was going to hazard a guess and say he was older. I've known, and been in a relationship, with a man like that. Set in his ways and reluctant to change in any way. I broke up with mine. If you're willing to give something else a try for the sake of a relationship and he's not, he's a very selfish man.

My then bf got together with another woman after we broke up. They've just moved in together. After over 20 years! I'm amazed she waited that long!

Get rid! He should want to holiday with you. You don't know what he gets up to in Thailand. The fact that he doesn't want you to go says it all and is a huge red flag! Bye bye! Find someone who loves you. He clearly doesn't.

He is showing you how much you mean to him. Surely you would jump at the chance to spend a holiday with your partner? Especially in the early stages? I don’t even like going on work trips with out my DH! So I would say either he isn’t that into you, or, yes I am afraid even presentable kind men are susceptible to sex workers.

His main relationship is with his mates not you.
An ultimatum will not solve the issue. if he doesn’t want to go on holiday with you, you can’t force him. Does he even consider himself in a relationship with you?

Most people want to spend time with their partners especially in the early stages and prioritise them over friends or at least spend time equally.

He is just not into you. He is using you when his mates or whatever he is attracted to in Thailand is unavailable.

End the relationship and find someone who appreciates you. Stop chasing around after this probable sleaze ball.

Let’s assume his trips are all above board. If so he sounds far too much of a free spirit to ever want to have the constraints of a comitted relationship. I would either see the relationship as purely casual (if you are happy with that) or end it so you can meet someone with the same end goals as you.

Solo 'island hopping' in Thailand EVERY YEAR and very against you joining him? Yea... Not suss at all. And same destination year after year? When there's so much to see in the world?

Then a stag do in Prague. I've just been there and true, there's plenty cultural and otherwise enriching things to do. But we all know what most of stags look for there. It's not culture.

Also non-commital and doesn't even want to holiday together.

What's the point of him?

So I can see a few things to think about.

You feel he lied to you. I'm not sure he did as it sounds like he did shorten his Thailand trip to two weeks. I think it is possible to forget other commitments. But your perception is that he lied. Does he lie about other things? Is this a pattern?

The Thailand trip is solo, I can see how you would change the dynamic massively but also I think it's natural to want to introduce a new partner to somewhere you enjoy and enjoy them experiencing it for the first time.

"He says that because I don’t like travelling too much once away and can struggle with travel sickness that I would struggle with the distances etc"

Is this something you've talked in depth about? Have you told him lots of times that you don't like travelling? If you have spent quite a lot of time explaining at length that you are more of a home bird then it's natural for him to feel that a trip that's quite adventurous might be too far out of your comfort zone for you and him to be able to enjoy it. If he's putting words into your mouth though, he's making excuses and gaslighting you. I can't work out from what you written, which it is.

as adults, we all get to make choices. If a friend, sibling or child told you that their ultimate goal was to be married to their partner, and yet their partner did not want to spend holidays with them, did not want to move in together and was proud to have all his belongings fit in one suitcase so they could easily move on

what advice would you give them?

Are you sure you are actually in a relationship with him rather than a friends with benefits situation? What are you getting from that relationship that justifies his prioritisation of his other activities?

I’m very sorry, it must be quite hard for you to read this. Be kind to your future self and make some decisions about your life choices. All the best

Yes, I think this is where my mind is heading now.

To use a popular MN term - my poultry isn’t quite being lined up in formation, but it’s in the early preparation stage!

The OP's spiel seems less than genuine, to this little black duck.

He always said he never has more than a suitcase worth of stuff so he could move out of somewhere within minutes if needed!

That's more or less a direct quote from Jimmy Savile....

I’ve spent a lot of time in Thailand and there is sex tourism everywhere. It’s incredibly beautiful and the food and the people are like no-where else but it can be seedy as hell.

That said, the travelling is hard. It takes a long time to get there and island hopping usually involves speedboats so if you’re prone to travel sickness you probably would hate it. We spent 5 hours on a speedboat to get to the island we went to last time!

Why would you degrade yourself to demand a man has a holiday with you (ie. Ultimatum time??

He isn't in to you and you should just walk away

🤢 that’s a horrendous amount of time on a speedboat.

To be honest Thailand, Prague and Berlin are all sex tourism hotspots, if he is saying you cannot come with him then he's likely in these places for obvious reasons and you should dump him and get yourself tested for std's.

Sex tourism 100%

Honestly agree, but I thought that anyway! Anything goes over there! Tbh it’s the tip of the iceberg for me, I see so many things wrong here!!!! 😩

There is no crime in being single. Certainly better than the relationship you are in now, OP. Restore dignity and self respect and end the relationship now, you can dress it up as incompatibility if it makes it easier to do.

Imagining just for a moment that these trips really are about soaking up Thai culture, he:

— Doesn’t want to share it with you.
— Actively puts you off by stressing why you wouldn’t like it.
— Hasn’t suggested a compromise (one week exploring, one week resort).
— Insists on using the bulk of days off on his solo trip so you’re squeezed in around the edges.
— Adds on lads holidays which take priority over you too.

And that is the best case (and highly unlikely) scenario?

He’s a terrible partner even on the most generous reading of his behaviour and treating like a doormat. Nobody deserves to be treated like this, op, grovelling to their other half for a week of their holiday allowance for a joint holiday.

He told her she gets travel sick, and anyway, he only goes to island hop and eat Thai food, definitely doesn’t get involved in anything seedy…No, no nothing like that at all!!

He's going to Thailand to have sex with prostitutes. Of course he doesn't want you to come.
Has no one pointed this out to you before...? It's kinda obvious. Especially as he doesn't want you to come!

I was with someone for a number of years who never stepped up when it came to my expectation of relationship commitments, so I left. That was over twenty five year’s ago and he is still single, childless and living in the same tiny house he had back then. He seems perfectly happy and has a right to live as he wants, but if it doesn’t align with the other person then they need to leave.