Page 5 | What was the moment you knew your marriage / relationship was over? The straw that broke the camel’s back so to speak

Size40Shoes · 10/09/2025 08:07

First ex long term. He was abusive. The day I gave birth to our son I knew I had to go.

Second ex long term. When I realised a leopard never changes their spots after finding him looking for male hook ups.

Third ex long term. When he started talking about spending inheritance from my Nan (who is still alive) on a car for him and other things he wants. Whilst not supporting me at home and spending his life on his PS5 I just had an epiphany of 'I can't live like this anymore'.

20thcenturygirlwithherhandsonthewheel · 10/09/2025 08:08

LavaLaamp · 09/09/2025 23:41

For me it was after he’d repeatedly told me that mama Mia in the cinema was a total joke and the fact I wanted to see it with my mum was pathetic, he refused to see it with me and took the piss repeatedly for weeks. I ignored him and went with my mum, aunt and cousin and had an absolutely brilliant time. Then the week after we went for the 2nd or 3rd time (sing along obviously) with more piss taking from boyfriend (not light hearted) it was my birthday and we had plans for my birthday.

I had a huge party which he didn’t turn up for and when I asked him why he wasn’t there he said he’d taken his co worker to go see mama Mia as she really wanted to go. I realised I would never be a priority in his life and dumped him, he married his co worker and then cheated on her with his male colleague 3 years later, lucky escape!

I was also ‘left at the alter’ on my wedding day- I found out about an hour before that he wasn’t to be found anywhere, I was in my dress, hair and makeup done etc. his mum told my moh that they didn’t know where he was but he wouldn’t be coming to the wedding, so I asked my moh and bridesmaid to tell everyone that the wedding wouldn’t be going ahead but everyone was welcome to come and enjoy the reception because we’d already paid for it all so we had a fab day with lots of tears and laughter at what should have been my wedding day! All his groomsmen stayed to be with me, his best man was incredible It went viral and he did apologise and ask to come back but I said no. 4 years on and I’m married to my soul mate and my ex is single and none of his friends speak to him.

Im so grateful that he did that because I’m so happy now.

what about you?

I think I know who you are! Seen some articles. What a bloody woman you are! Well done to you for making the most of it. It’s very clear your family and friends love you x

AMiddleClassWomanOfACertainAge · 10/09/2025 08:09

Jaffapedigree · 10/09/2025 06:51

I've broken up with my now ex after over twenty years, because he's decided that he wants to be a woman. He's known this about himself for years, possibly decades, but never thought to tell me any earlier so that I could make a decision on my own future. But, he dosn't act very womanly. Has punched doors when in a temper. Our mutual friends never saw that side of him, so they all think he's golden. Once we're living separately, I'll probably lose friends because they'll all be about supporting him to be his "authentic self", but only a couple have reached out to me to ask me how I'm feeling.

@Jaffapedigree Search for the trans widows threads on here. You are not alone and these men have a script xx

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 10/09/2025 08:11

You ladies all sound amazing 👏
Hope you are all happy now ❤️

Fatnearlyslim · 10/09/2025 08:12

I had been seeing a man who worked in the navy for a couple of years.
i worked shifts and was quite independent- he had his post delivered to my house, which I had never opened or looked at.
one day a bank statement was open - he had gone off on holiday Skiing with his work colleagues.
I happened to look at an open bank statement - purchases at Anne Summers and Le senzer
I dumped him without ever disclosing.

JenXWarrior · 10/09/2025 08:13

ShoeeMcfee · 10/09/2025 07:58

I had been unhappily married for years and stayed because of the kids, nowhere to go, the usual story. He was abusive financially and sexually and he was a gambling addict. He was also a liar and a cheat. Along with this he was strangely needy, like whatever you did for him or tried to show affection for him, it was never enough.

Like another PP on this thread, I'd had a not great upbringing and I just thought for years this was what marriage was like. He used to bully me quite a bit and I used to get scared. Then one day and I still don't really understand what happened, he was doing his usual threatening stuff and I suddenly saw him with fresh eyes and saw how truly pathetic he was. I remember I calmly said 'you don't frighten me any more, I am free of you' He looked a bit nonplussed and said slyly 'well maybe you should be frightened' and I said 'too late, I'm free!!'.

It sounds so silly really, and a bit of a non event but from that moment I planned my divorce. In the end, he went quite quietly. I think maybe he fed off my fear of him and had nowhere to go once I stood up to him.

I can't believe now that I wasted so much time on him. I even feel a bit sorry for him (and me) because he's totally inadequate. But I guess that's what all bullies are really - inadequate and needy.

It wasn't a non event. It was the most significant event in your marriage. It was the moment you threw off the chains you hadn't seen before. He skulked off into the shadows and you got a new life. Fantastic result. ❤

Imbusytodaysorry · 10/09/2025 08:13

Lickityspit · 10/09/2025 07:41

He left me alone at 39 weeks pregnant to go to a Hogmanay party with his best friend. He didn’t come home for 2 days by which time our DS had been born (days before mobiles). Found out he had been with a random woman he met at said party.

Wow!
So glad you never let him back . What a pig

stayathomer · 10/09/2025 08:19

JenXWarrior

oh my god that’s awful:(

MrsJPBP · 10/09/2025 08:21

We were going on holiday with a group of friends, and I wasn’t well. I was in the car on the way to the airport when I begged him to pull over so I could be sick but he refused. I was basically using sick bags all the way round the airport (in hindsight, I should have gone home!). We were sat at the gate waiting to board the plane and I asked him if he could please open the bottle of water for me as I was still throwing up. I’ve never been so violently ill in my life. He stood up and started screaming in my face about what a fucking embarrassment I was, look at the state of me, I disgusted him - the barrage of abuse went on until I cried and ALL of our friends said nothing (some had previously approached me to say I should leave him as he was a nasty piece of work towards me). It was a lightbulb moment and I finally woke up after 3 years of emotional and financial abuse and saw what my life would be like if I stayed any longer. I was icily polite to them all for the holiday and moved out as soon as we got back.

ByRealPoet · 10/09/2025 08:22

I believe I’ve seen your TikToks? So happy you found your person in the end.

JenXWarrior · 10/09/2025 08:35

stayathomer · 10/09/2025 08:19

JenXWarrior

oh my god that’s awful:(

I didn't see her again for years. She subsequently lost her soulmate and tried to cast me in the role of therapist. Suddenly she was interested in my experience - the one that amused her until it happened to her of course.

I found myself rolling my eyes as she whittered on in a couple of (far too) long phone calls. I realised I just didn't care. I told her I wasn't doing this anymore and she needed proper counselling.

Never heard from her again.

SarahAndQuack · 10/09/2025 08:39

We were on a camping holiday. She'd booked and paid for it, and I was meant to be delighted and grateful, although (as usual), what it meant was she'd said she could afford it, booked and paid, and then told me I needed to cover bills/food for a few weeks, oh and she couldn't contribute to getting the car fixed. (There was a long history of financial dishonesty there). So i wasn't in an ideal space.

She'd kept messing me around about trying for another baby - she'd say yes, then no, then maybe. And it was particularly hurtful because we're a same-sex couple; she'd insisted she should for DD first, then she was lukewarm about me trying, which feels different from if we were a straight couple. But anyway:

Sitting in the campsite she suddenly told me, as if it were totally obvious and reasonable, that if I did have a baby, of course she wouldn't be able to do the things I had done when DD was a baby. She didn't plan to give up her nights out or her hobbies because she enjoyed them.

It just floored me. It absolutely was a 'last straw' and and I should have left long, long, long before, but I will always remember the casualness with which she made it clear she just did not care.

(I found out afterwards that, although she'd been pleading that she couldn't afford things and insisting she couldn't save towards joint expenses like the car, she'd been building up savings and had no trouble buying a house. It really hurts, but I am so much better off on my own, and it is lovely seeing how much happier DD is.)

Pixiedust1234 · 10/09/2025 08:42

Muffinmam · 10/09/2025 05:49

What was/is wrong with him?!?

Show quote history

Misogyny I suppose. He had found the perfect idiot to not see it as I'd been raised to put males first, including boys younger than me. They got more food, were served first, had the chance of going to university, chores didn't involve dusting or hoovering or laundry etc. My mum was raised the same way. We both got out in our late 50s, her because his last affair was with someone in the friendship group and me because I found Mumsnet Relationship board😬

@SpidersAreShitheads - you DO NOT have to justify why your house wasn't "perfect". Even without the added stress of your DF being in hospital it is perfectly fine to take as much time as you need to decorate etc. The fact that you feel you still have to shows how severely abused you have been. Please seek counselling so you can get free from it all as your post clearly shows you are still mentally and emotionally trapped ❤

justasking111 · 10/09/2025 08:46

OverlyFragrant · 10/09/2025 00:01

I'm doing great. I've done more growing and living in the 4 years without him than the 14 years with him
He on the other hand has become this weird podcaster who talks about "high value women" and how dating is so hard for high value men like him 🤢🤮
He also visits Thailand and Brazil quite frequently for sex tourism so you know what, I'm good thanks.

Show quote history

Friends ex who was blowing hot and cold with her until it all fizzled out because he was such a manipulative bastard decided to stand as an MP. Well he did an article in the nationals saying how hard it was to date there were no women who wanted to settle down . Internet dating wasn't any good Etc ad nauseum. We couldn't believe the cheek of him.

CakeFace1234 · 10/09/2025 08:46

OP, I have seen your post and wanted to message before I read the whole post. I saw your viral post. You looked absolutely beautiful and all I could think of was - What a Loser for letting this incredible, beautiful and brave girl go. It was lovely how your wedding party ensured you still had a fabulous day that really was all about you! Wishing you, and all in this thread, the absolute best.

Cantabulous · 10/09/2025 08:48

He shouted at me for wearing my shoes into the house. That was the final straw after a 30 year relationship. In the grand scheme of things it was a tiny thing but it just finally pushed me over the edge. I told him then and there I was divorcing him and I never looked back or regretted that decision for a second.

blackheartsgirl · 10/09/2025 08:54

I had to put up with horrible behaviour and abuse for 13 years prior to this but I injured my hand in work one day which needed urgent surgery so the day before I was due to go in and I had my arm in a sling bandaged up i was trying to serve Chinese takeaway to my brother and his gf where ex just looked on and refused to help because he was tired from work. My brothers gf who I’d never met before came to my rescue and helped me out.

2 days after the op my ex again refused to help me do anything and I was pulling washing out of the machine, washing up one handed, on my feet hoovering whilst he just sat on his X box sighing and tutting because I had to take my time cooking one handed. And the ultimate sting?? I asked him for his help to button up my coat and he turned round, roughly grabbed the front of my jacket and said ffs your a pain in the arse, I’ve got better things to do.

i did leave him but it took another five months of planning to get him out. The day I kicked him out the kids and I celebrated by having a take out and a little mini party.

them i met and married a lovely man.

lilylooleelala · 10/09/2025 08:56

I think it was the realisation that I didn’t like him as a person. Obviously arguments and disagreements, betrayals and everything else was the reason but in the silence of all of that, I really really did not like him as a person. After that understanding it was easy to get a divorce and end everything.

SameOldMe · 10/09/2025 08:57

My young daughter threw a shoe in my face in anger, and my nose was dripping in blood. He told me i deserved it for being a terrible mother. Up to this point i didn't realise how much the children were impacted by his behaviour. I knew i had to get out for their sake.

ClawsandEffect · 10/09/2025 08:57

3 of 'em (WTF is wrong with me???).

1 - many, many things. Abusive, alcoholic, controlling. But the thing that did it for me was his reading my diary to try to check up on me (I wasn't doing anything!) when we were supposedly in the middle of marriage counselling.

2 - He and violent, alcoholic ex had just been away on holiday, came back for xmas and new year and spent NYE with his friend whose relationship had just broken down. Friend went to bed, ex stayed up with me, ignoring me, didn't speak to me at all and slept downstairs on the sofa. He dropped me off on his way home and that was it. I never saw him again. He left it a month before getting in touch, as if nothing had happened but I just said, 'It's over.' At which point he became the victim and told everyone we knew that I'd dumped HIM by text.

3 - I spent 5 years waiting for him (not a violent alcoholic abuser this time!) to be ready for a commitment (not necessarily marriage, just living together, normal stuff). At which point he said 'I'll always live with my kids and that isn't changing' (kids were 35 & 38). I didn't end it that night, but I started looking for an overseas job then. And was gone six months later.

reversegear · 10/09/2025 08:59

Mine went to the pub 3 days after I’d had surgery and got so drunk if I’d needed him he couldn’t have helped. I realised he had been desperate to go out and drink as I’d been a massive inconvenience by getting sick and needing surgery. He couldn’t even stay home for 4-5 days without drinking?

when he was called out he said “you said you were fine, so it was ok” 😳

meatyryvita · 10/09/2025 09:02

SpidersAreShitheads · 10/09/2025 03:15

I was with an angry, controlling man.

He’d gone to Italy with his brother to help him move house and was away for about 5 days. I’d suggested that while he was away I could rip up the old, dirty carpet (we’d just moved into a new home) and start laying a laminate floor. During that time, I also had to take my dad for a hospital appointment.

During the hospital appointment we found out that my dad had Huntington’s disease, a degenerative, genetic, hereditary condition. My dad was only early 60s. It also meant I might get it. I was broken. My ex rang me while he was away and I told him - all he said was we’ll talk about it when I get back.

I still did the floor even though I was distraught but I ran out of time to get all the furniture properly back in position. It was all in the room but just not quite in position properly. I was knackered and thought I’d have plenty of time to straighten up after work before he got home.

He got an earlier flight and went straight home without telling me. First thing I knew was when I got a phone call from him while I was at work telling me he was so angry with me that he couldn’t even speak. I made my excuses at work and went home. I felt sick to my stomach, I thought I was going to vomit because I knew what he would be like. It took me maybe 15 minutes tops to plug the TV in properly and get the furniture straight. He was LIVID. Never said a word to me the whole time, just fumed. Then I had to go back to work. And I was just there trying not to cry and feeling sick with anxiety, hoping I’d be forgiven.

I know it’s a nuisance coming home to a scruffy house but he was the one who’d come home early and there was good reason for things being a bit messy! It would have been tidy if he’d flown home as planned - but in his mind, everything was my fault. Even now, years later, I can feel myself trying to justify here why I hadn’t managed to get things tidied in time, and still feeling as if I’d done a terrible thing!

He never said how good the new flooring looked. And he never talked to me about my dad’s diagnosis or the implications for me.

And then, three days later he threw a cushion really viciously at the cat for no reason. Our cat was a rescue and really anxious. So, ridiculous how it might sound, that was the final straw. Not the times he’d turned furniture over in a rage, left me stranded in a strange place with no money or car, thrown the cat litter tray across the room, pretended to dump me to make me cry and then laughed saying it was a joke. Not the times he’d wouldn’t let me see or speak to my family if he was home. Not the many many times he’d get angry if he saw me “too happy”. I could go on. I put up with so much it changed me irrevocably- but when I saw him chuck the pillow at the cat, hot on the heels of the Italy escapade, I just thought “enough”.

I’m aware I sound truly pathetic.

You absolutely do NOT sound pathetic! you sound incredibly strong and you stood up for an innocent animal - that was your boundary - he crossed it and you left. You are incredible @SpidersAreShitheads xx

sesquipedalian · 10/09/2025 09:05

@GarlicPint
“this was when you still had to demonstrate unreasonable behaviour….I promptly signed his ridiculous litany of complaints about me”

This really resonated with me. Ex- DH said he wasn’t letting me divorce him and he would divorce me - I didn’t care because I just wanted out. So I am divorced for my unreasonable behaviour on the grounds that I spent too much time reading detective fiction, and too much time on the phone to my family. I remember the letter that came with the decree nisi, which said that this was behaviour no normal person could reasonably put up with, and thinking it was both funny, and unimaginative on his part - we’d been married for over fifteen years!

SeptemberNCing · 10/09/2025 09:09

LavaLaamp · 09/09/2025 23:41

For me it was after he’d repeatedly told me that mama Mia in the cinema was a total joke and the fact I wanted to see it with my mum was pathetic, he refused to see it with me and took the piss repeatedly for weeks. I ignored him and went with my mum, aunt and cousin and had an absolutely brilliant time. Then the week after we went for the 2nd or 3rd time (sing along obviously) with more piss taking from boyfriend (not light hearted) it was my birthday and we had plans for my birthday.

I had a huge party which he didn’t turn up for and when I asked him why he wasn’t there he said he’d taken his co worker to go see mama Mia as she really wanted to go. I realised I would never be a priority in his life and dumped him, he married his co worker and then cheated on her with his male colleague 3 years later, lucky escape!

I was also ‘left at the alter’ on my wedding day- I found out about an hour before that he wasn’t to be found anywhere, I was in my dress, hair and makeup done etc. his mum told my moh that they didn’t know where he was but he wouldn’t be coming to the wedding, so I asked my moh and bridesmaid to tell everyone that the wedding wouldn’t be going ahead but everyone was welcome to come and enjoy the reception because we’d already paid for it all so we had a fab day with lots of tears and laughter at what should have been my wedding day! All his groomsmen stayed to be with me, his best man was incredible It went viral and he did apologise and ask to come back but I said no. 4 years on and I’m married to my soul mate and my ex is single and none of his friends speak to him.

Im so grateful that he did that because I’m so happy now.

what about you?

Oh gosh I think I’ve seen the clip of your bridesmaids telling everyone and you partying after. I was actually thinking of that clip before you said it had gone viral.

So glad you’ve gone on to find true happiness!

GarlicPint · 10/09/2025 09:11

I spent too much time reading detective fiction 😂😂😂😂

You awful, awful woman, @sesquipedalian!