to expect mil to help out sometimes with the kids??

[OneGreatSheep]

so bit of a rant but feel like im going mad… ive got 5 boys (16, 13, 8, 4 and baby whos 15 months) and honestly its non stop. dh works “long hours” 🙄 and when he is home hes knackered so its all on me.

mil lives literally 10 mins away and is always round at sil’s (she only has 2 kids and shes a sahm!) helping with school runs, babysitting, even does her ironing!! yet when i ask for the odd favour its like im being cheeky.

tonight i just wanted to nip tesco cos weve ran out of nappies AGAIN and ds5 was screaming, ds4 having a meltdown cos his uniform itched and ds3 shouting on xbox, and ds1 refusing to come with me cos hes “busy revising” (aka on tiktok 🙄). i texted mil and she said she couldnt cos she was “tired” after helping sil all day. ended up dragging them all out in the rain just for nappies.

aibu to think she should help me out once in a while?? its not like i ask every day, but feels like she favours sil and her kids and im drowning over here.

It’s less that, and more you can’t expect other people to want to look after five kids when they are obviously harder work than 2 kids.

Your MIL was likely like this when you had 3 DC. I mean this gently. 5 kids is a lot and if your DH is busy working surely you factored these things in before having the 4th and 5th child OP.

You have a DH problem. Your MIL shouldn't have to take the place of DH because he won't parent if you need to go to the shops. MIL helping SIL with 2 kids is very different than coming to coparent 5 because her son is useless.

You have a husband problem OP and based on what I assume is your other thread about schooling he needs to step up and you need to get organised

You are probably right!

@giddyingup do you remember the choose your own adventure books we read at first school? It reminds me of that 🤣

I agree with you, and I am glad I read your comment.

The first time I logged into mum‘s net, it quickly became clear that every time someone on here says I’m sad my MIL only wants to see her daughter’s kids, and doesn’t give a crap about mine, everyone just says well, your kids, deal with it.

I don’t know why for Decades women have told other the women that they are your children so you have to deal with it no matter how difficult it gets. Why can’t we support each other and hold each other up?

There’s nothing wrong with expecting the mother-in-law to at least see both sets of grandchildren. I’m not saying for loads of childcare, but she could’ve bothered for a few nappies for her exhausted DIL & her grandchild.

Well, Id have gone to the shop for you, & I don't even know you.

But, you didn't need to take the 16, 13 & 8 yr old with you.
How far was the shop ? does the 16 year have a bike? He could have gone.
5 kids is a LOT, but if it was only for 15 mins your MIL was being unkind.
Expect nothing further from her. Not your Mum, & clearly not your friend

She will favour her daughter over you.

I have 5 kids too. I actually think YABU asking her to come around for 10 mins so you can nip out. I would never ask that of my MIL. I ask her to help when i'm scheduled to be in two places at once, and even then, I try everything to rearrange so I don't have to ask. I dont expect any form of childcare from her and I literally only ask when i'm desperate. I'm NC with my DM, so she doesnt feature at all.

I suspect this is a wind up, but if it isn’t, your posts alone give out a chaotic vibe. No way I’d be voluntarily hanging out at a chaotic home with 5 children, all boys no less.

The nappies ordeal could have been easily sorted by sending one of the oldest kids to get them.

You’ve made choices about how many children you have. Planed or unplanned it was a choice from prioritising contraception and/or continuing a pregnancy.

Assuming you’d get “back up” for those decisions is unreasonable.

I appreciate it feels unfair that your SIL gets more support but where are your family in this?

Can you not see the difference in expecting between supporting childcare over the years for a family of 5 children then 2?

I note you don’t reference how much support you got from MIL when your eldest children were young.

Maybe she helped a lot then and feels she’s paid her dues to your family? Potentially over the years have you had more support than your SIL?

You decided to have 5 kids, the only other person you should expect things from is their father. 5 kids is far too much for a lot of people, especially with how you describe them.

It's obvious that MIL helps her daughter out more because 1. it's her daughter and 2. 2 kids are easier to manage than 5.

Why didn’t you just Deliveroo the nappies or something? There are other solutions that aren’t your MIL

The OP says MIL doesn't want to know the 2 youngest, which suggests she was present for the first three. Maybe 5 chaotic children, a chaotic parent and a son who's hardly there is just too much.

I don’t think she should necessarily help anyone. But certainly should not favour her DD’s DC over her son’s. But I have experience of this and finds it usually stems from the favouritism of her own DD over her own DS.
You’re on a hiding to nothing OP.

She can't treat them equally because one has 2 children and the other has five. Not at all the same.
And yes op is being unreasonable saying MIL should help out. It might be nice if she did but there's no should about it.

She’s not a ‘random woman’, she’s her son’s wife and mother of her grandchildren.

It’s only on here that I see MIL supposedly favouring daughters, I haven’t experienced this in real life at all (slightly the opposite). But, I also see how and selfish some men are on here (again not in real life), so there must be some correlation.

Sounds like her son is too busy to bother with her, and she doesn’t want to look after five children. Can’t say I blame her really.

It's not her responsibility. Get DH to be more supportive.
Why couldn't the 16yr old go and get the nappies?

The 16 year old could look after his brothers for 10 minutes while you pop to Tesco. And you don't ask him to, you tell him to. And you absolutely don't have him sitting in his room vaping. Honestly I think I can see why your mil doesn't want to help

Op does have every right to ask for childcare, MIL also has every right to decline

Because women aren't automatic childcare just because they are women and it's perfectly fine to say no, especially when we're talking about 5 children.

We also need to have better standards for men and expect them to parent their own children.

I plan to help out DD and SD as much as I can when they have children but after reading your post, I really hope neither of them decide to have 5 boys with a father who doesn't contribute to parenting them. Where is your own mother?

Yes, you are being unreasonable. They are your responsibility not hers. Stop popping out children if it's such an issue for you to take care of them yourself.

It’s shit OP but unfortunately nothing you can do. 5 kids is a lot to expect her to look after. My DF will only look after one at a time if awake for medical appointments. When they're asleep on an evening, he will babysit the two of them occasionally for a few hours.

In my experience, grandmothers are almost always closer to their daughter’s children compared to the sons. I have sons but will make sure I’m a helpful grandma should I be healthy.

Just make sure to note this behaviour from DGM when she grows old and requires care. Her DD can organise that.