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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect mil to help out sometimes with the kids??

596 replies

OneGreatSheep · 09/09/2025 18:36

so bit of a rant but feel like im going mad… ive got 5 boys (16, 13, 8, 4 and baby whos 15 months) and honestly its non stop. dh works “long hours” 🙄 and when he is home hes knackered so its all on me.

mil lives literally 10 mins away and is always round at sil’s (she only has 2 kids and shes a sahm!) helping with school runs, babysitting, even does her ironing!! yet when i ask for the odd favour its like im being cheeky.

tonight i just wanted to nip tesco cos weve ran out of nappies AGAIN and ds5 was screaming, ds4 having a meltdown cos his uniform itched and ds3 shouting on xbox, and ds1 refusing to come with me cos hes “busy revising” (aka on tiktok 🙄). i texted mil and she said she couldnt cos she was “tired” after helping sil all day. ended up dragging them all out in the rain just for nappies.

aibu to think she should help me out once in a while?? its not like i ask every day, but feels like she favours sil and her kids and im drowning over here.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 10/09/2025 06:27

thebabayaga2025 · 09/09/2025 21:48

Also, of COURSE she favours her own daughter, just like you don't realise how awful having to babysit your children is, she has warm motherly feelings towards her own daughter and a far closer relationship than she does with you - naturally.

She also only has two grandchildren at that house.

You're ridiculous. I am so glad she's not falling for your entitled nonsense. Get on with the job of looking after your own kids and stop moaning about it. Or keep moaning, it won't change anything, sounds like she's got your number 😅

Show quote history

Do you really have to be so mean and judgemental? OP is obviously at the end of her tether and she asked for help for the 10 minutes that she needed to nip to the shop to buy some nappies. Even if her MIL can't cope for 10 minutes with her own grandchildre, she could have offered to pick up the nappies and drop them off.

The pile on by posters of a clearly distressed OP on this thread and the almost gleeful posts like yours, berating her for having five children and enjoying putting the boot in is really distasteful.

OP's children are no less her MIL's grandchildren than her daughter's children are and, whatever her feelings about the OP, to refuse to help her for 10 minutes doesn't show her in a good light.

OrangePieHigh · 10/09/2025 06:30

So many males in this scenario, yet the one female who didn't choose to have these 5 kids, is the one who should be helping.

I wouldn't want to help out either tbh.

Epidote · 10/09/2025 06:33

You shouldn't have to expect your MIL to help you. Help is not granted.
Can you get help from your 16, old enough to take care of the kids or nip to the supermarket to get some nappies?
I understand you, but still think that help does come in equal dosis for all the members of the family in many cases.

beAsensible1 · 10/09/2025 06:36

Screamingabdabz · 09/09/2025 18:50

There is always a woman to blame for any situation isn’t there? The male in this situation gets off Scott free. 🙄 Your older two children could’ve been given a fiver and sent to the local shop in an emergency.

Yes it would be nice for MIL to help out but maybe your DH is a lazy shit in his relationship with her too and the dd actually bothers?

This.

as a woman it’s always you is expected to never have a life and drop everything to do some caring.

thepariscrimefiles · 10/09/2025 06:37

CharlotteByrde · 09/09/2025 22:46

I am always a bit baffled by this 'equal' treatment. Surely if this grandmother is watching 2 children on a regular basis she is doing enough? She has a minimum of 7 grandchildren. How can she make it 'equal' without completely wearing herself out?

MIL's daughter is a SAHM with school age children so she is probably just socialising with her daughter rather than being run ragged caring for the children on her own.

Cornflakess · 10/09/2025 06:40

OneGreatSheep · 09/09/2025 19:12

get what ppl are saying but its not like i dump all 5 on her for hours, it was literally i needed 10 mins to run tesco n back. ended up dragging them all out in the rain, ds4 screaming cos his wellies hurt and ds5 wouldnt sit in the buggy so i had him on my hip the whole time. ds2 was messing about kicking puddles, ds3 sulking cos i said no sweets. by the time we got back the baby was soaked, i was soaked and ds1 had gone out so i couldnt even leave him here.

dh never answers his phone when hes “working late” so its always on me. i just think she could of done that one little thing, but instead i feel like she doesnt even want to know my 2 littlest.

Did she help out when the older ones were younger? Why did you have 5 children with a useless man who doesn’t parent his children? Why should your MIL provide childcare when her son, the father, doesn’t?

AguNwaanyi · 10/09/2025 06:40

MissFenellaPrism · 09/09/2025 21:34

No. It did not demonstrate any such thing.
Stop being personal. I have given the OP far more practical advice than you have.
Now leave me alone, pick on someone else.

Show quote history

Lol is the “practical advice” in the room with us?

beAsensible1 · 10/09/2025 06:45

OneGreatSheep · 09/09/2025 19:12

get what ppl are saying but its not like i dump all 5 on her for hours, it was literally i needed 10 mins to run tesco n back. ended up dragging them all out in the rain, ds4 screaming cos his wellies hurt and ds5 wouldnt sit in the buggy so i had him on my hip the whole time. ds2 was messing about kicking puddles, ds3 sulking cos i said no sweets. by the time we got back the baby was soaked, i was soaked and ds1 had gone out so i couldnt even leave him here.

dh never answers his phone when hes “working late” so its always on me. i just think she could of done that one little thing, but instead i feel like she doesnt even want to know my 2 littlest.

You should send your 16 and 13 year old to the shops as a standard. That should be part of their household jobs.

why would you pack up and dress 3 small children? You needs to be teaching and enforcing responsibility / helpfulness on the older one.

it’s fine not to have them babysit it no way should they not be going to the shop and helping with errands. You have more expectations from MIL in a different house than your 16 year old to pop round the corner.

it doesn’t make sense.

JustChillin70 · 10/09/2025 06:56

YABU to expect your mil to look after your kids. It was your choice to have so many and, to be honest, by your description of their behaviour, they don’t sound as if they are particularly well behaved at all.

Letsgoroundagainnow · 10/09/2025 06:56

thepariscrimefiles · 10/09/2025 06:27

Do you really have to be so mean and judgemental? OP is obviously at the end of her tether and she asked for help for the 10 minutes that she needed to nip to the shop to buy some nappies. Even if her MIL can't cope for 10 minutes with her own grandchildre, she could have offered to pick up the nappies and drop them off.

The pile on by posters of a clearly distressed OP on this thread and the almost gleeful posts like yours, berating her for having five children and enjoying putting the boot in is really distasteful.

OP's children are no less her MIL's grandchildren than her daughter's children are and, whatever her feelings about the OP, to refuse to help her for 10 minutes doesn't show her in a good light.

Show quote history

So, why is this on MIL?

16 year old can get the nappies
13 year old can get the nappies
DH can get the nappies
Get an uber delivery

So why ask MIL? Why is she the default ahead of four other options (although the situation should never have happened)

Why is OP distressed?

Because she’s got 5 children who quite honestly sound feral, vaping in their rooms, refusing to do as told, whinging and whining. I’d guess that’s one of the reasons MIL won’t help.

Having 5 children is fine, having 5 who are dreadfully behaved not fine. I’d guess if they were better behaved MIL may be more willing to help.

So stop with the snarky “even if she can’t cope with her own grandchildren”, no she probably can’t, would you like that lot on a regular basis?

jeaux90 · 10/09/2025 06:56

Why is this on MIL and not on your DH, or any other males in your life?

why is you DH so fecking detached from the logistics of his large family?

Get yourself organised with a food/items delivery and start getting your husband being more accountable, your DS16 sounds like he needs chores too! They all do!

I understand more help would be good but clearly that’s not going to come from MIL.

flowertoday · 10/09/2025 06:57

I have a big family OP and can't understand why your older two couldn't have watched the younger ones or gone for you.

I am not suggesting that older children in larger families should be saddled with regular childcare. However being in a family means being a family and everyone should help out . Occasional babysitting ( for short periods) and other chores should be a daily reality for your older sons . Remember their future wives will thank you 😊 🙏
Perhaps your MIL thinks that too. It is sad she doesn't help you much. But she is older and perhaps it is all a bit too much for her.

MissFenellaPrism · 10/09/2025 06:57

AguNwaanyi · 10/09/2025 06:40

Lol is the “practical advice” in the room with us?

Show quote history

It's on this thread.
Lol.

AguNwaanyi · 10/09/2025 07:08

MissFenellaPrism · 10/09/2025 06:57

It's on this thread.
Lol.

Show quote history

No it ain’t boo.

ComfortFoodCafe · 10/09/2025 07:08

Yabu, it was your choice to have that many children. Looking after sil 2 is much, much easier than looking after 5.

DorothyStorm · 10/09/2025 07:14

deadpan · 09/09/2025 22:10

Wtf is it with the women on here shaming for the number of kids someone has. Oh to be as perfect as you quite clearly are (not)
Op obviously isn't asking for help with the older ones, and they're her mil's grandchildren as much as the other ones are FFS.

She did not ask for help with the older two, but that isnt because she doesn't need help with them. She cannot manage them, is leaving them to do what they want, and cannot trust either of them for ten minutes to watch the younger children so op could just take the baby. Op‘s husband needs to step up fast.

Firsttimecommentor · 10/09/2025 07:16

OneGreatSheep · 09/09/2025 18:36

so bit of a rant but feel like im going mad… ive got 5 boys (16, 13, 8, 4 and baby whos 15 months) and honestly its non stop. dh works “long hours” 🙄 and when he is home hes knackered so its all on me.

mil lives literally 10 mins away and is always round at sil’s (she only has 2 kids and shes a sahm!) helping with school runs, babysitting, even does her ironing!! yet when i ask for the odd favour its like im being cheeky.

tonight i just wanted to nip tesco cos weve ran out of nappies AGAIN and ds5 was screaming, ds4 having a meltdown cos his uniform itched and ds3 shouting on xbox, and ds1 refusing to come with me cos hes “busy revising” (aka on tiktok 🙄). i texted mil and she said she couldnt cos she was “tired” after helping sil all day. ended up dragging them all out in the rain just for nappies.

aibu to think she should help me out once in a while?? its not like i ask every day, but feels like she favours sil and her kids and im drowning over here.

Wow some of these comments. I think people forget we’re talking about your children! Her grandchildren. Sometimes it’s not so much about needing help as you want the gp to WANT to see her kids. Even if that’s with you in the house.

It is hard when you have a big family to ask people to watch them (we have 4) and I think you do have to accept that she will also be spending time with her daughter. But your husband is also her son.

Id make sure she’s not just doing the glory bits. The posts on Facebook or the bragging about her 5 grandsons. She does need to see them.

Its very hard and I totally understand where you’re coming from.

KateMiskin · 10/09/2025 07:18

This post has made me decide not to offer GP help to anyone, lest they fight over who gets more help. I am tired anyway and hoping to travel when I retire, not wrangle shouty teens.
I might have dropped off the nappies, though.

Neemie · 10/09/2025 07:19

What about your elder 2 sons, DH, FIL? Are they pulling their weight or is it just MIL who isn’t being very helpful? Don’t be too harsh on your MIL. One day you might be MIL to 5 different women.

Sarahannn · 10/09/2025 07:20

thepariscrimefiles · 10/09/2025 06:27

Do you really have to be so mean and judgemental? OP is obviously at the end of her tether and she asked for help for the 10 minutes that she needed to nip to the shop to buy some nappies. Even if her MIL can't cope for 10 minutes with her own grandchildre, she could have offered to pick up the nappies and drop them off.

The pile on by posters of a clearly distressed OP on this thread and the almost gleeful posts like yours, berating her for having five children and enjoying putting the boot in is really distasteful.

OP's children are no less her MIL's grandchildren than her daughter's children are and, whatever her feelings about the OP, to refuse to help her for 10 minutes doesn't show her in a good light.

Show quote history

‘Enjoying putting the boot in’ sums up this whole thread.. so so accurate! I literally can’t imagine putting my phone down having just sent a (struggling) stranger a nasty comment online and be able to continue on my day feeling remotely okay with myself 🤦🏼‍♀️

NurtureGrow · 10/09/2025 07:23

I think your husband could talk to her and say you would really appreciate a bit of help sometimes, would that be possible?

verybighouseinthecountry · 10/09/2025 07:25

Firsttimecommentor · 10/09/2025 07:16

Wow some of these comments. I think people forget we’re talking about your children! Her grandchildren. Sometimes it’s not so much about needing help as you want the gp to WANT to see her kids. Even if that’s with you in the house.

It is hard when you have a big family to ask people to watch them (we have 4) and I think you do have to accept that she will also be spending time with her daughter. But your husband is also her son.

Id make sure she’s not just doing the glory bits. The posts on Facebook or the bragging about her 5 grandsons. She does need to see them.

Its very hard and I totally understand where you’re coming from.

Show quote history

Just because they are her grandchildren does not mean they are a pleasure to look after. By OPs own admission, things seem extremely 'spirited' between the 5 of them. My DM is definitely more willing to look after certain dgc due to their behaviour (and the attitude of the parents). My dsis has 2 'spirited' DC and despite being the golden child, my DM never offers to have them, and often refuses if asked as her blood pressure goes up in their presence. She can't cope with the noise, the tantrums, the constant need for attention.

NurtureGrow · 10/09/2025 07:25

I guess you’ve already tried this though. I do completely agree, that it would be nice for her to help you. Whilst people have said it’s your choice to have 5 children of course, she is literally 10 minutes away. I don’t think you are unreasonable at all!

SquaredPaper · 10/09/2025 07:26

WhiskyintheJarr · 09/09/2025 19:01

Because 5 kids is too many to properly parent. I should know, I’m one of five. My mum was so overwhelmed when we were teens she barely knew which way was up.

Edited
Show quote history

This. Eldest of five here. Also constant parental overwhelm, and me parenting both my mother and younger siblings.

Digdongdoo · 10/09/2025 07:26

NurtureGrow · 10/09/2025 07:23

I think your husband could talk to her and say you would really appreciate a bit of help sometimes, would that be possible?

That would be a bit rich. From the man who doesn't even answer his phone. Cornering his mother to guilt trip her into looking after his kids.