to expect mil to help out sometimes with the kids??

[OneGreatSheep]

so bit of a rant but feel like im going mad… ive got 5 boys (16, 13, 8, 4 and baby whos 15 months) and honestly its non stop. dh works “long hours” 🙄 and when he is home hes knackered so its all on me.

mil lives literally 10 mins away and is always round at sil’s (she only has 2 kids and shes a sahm!) helping with school runs, babysitting, even does her ironing!! yet when i ask for the odd favour its like im being cheeky.

tonight i just wanted to nip tesco cos weve ran out of nappies AGAIN and ds5 was screaming, ds4 having a meltdown cos his uniform itched and ds3 shouting on xbox, and ds1 refusing to come with me cos hes “busy revising” (aka on tiktok 🙄). i texted mil and she said she couldnt cos she was “tired” after helping sil all day. ended up dragging them all out in the rain just for nappies.

aibu to think she should help me out once in a while?? its not like i ask every day, but feels like she favours sil and her kids and im drowning over here.

I agree!

He could've popped to the shop though .

no

if DH isnt helping then OP has a herself to blame, surely after kid number 1 OP shouldve realised DH isnt pulling his weight

shouldnt moan after number 5 and expect in law to step up

Harsh words coming up and I may easily be way off the mark, as I am basing it on the understandably limited info in your posts…

Perhaps MIL prefers helping hour SIL, because she is judging yours and your DH’s parenting?
Maybe she thinks if you both can’t get your acts together and the two older ones not pitching in (age appropriately) then why should she have a torrid time helping out?
Perhaps SIL’s house is calmer and nicer/easier place to be around?

I'd have gone and got the nappies for you.

I know it's hard, but can you get better organised with deliveries?

If you keep running out of nappies then you need to start a fail safe!

Now you’ve got more nappies pop 3-5 away in a drawer - once you have to use the first of those go straight out and get more and you won’t run out again!

What is the problem with your husband?

Lots of quotation marks

I am always a bit baffled by this 'equal' treatment. Surely if this grandmother is watching 2 children on a regular basis she is doing enough? She has a minimum of 7 grandchildren. How can she make it 'equal' without completely wearing herself out?

So you think it’s not strange to help your daughter but not your son?

You had so many other options that I am struggling to understand why you decided to call your mother in law in that situation? Why did you think dragging all of your children out was necessary? One of the best things about having older kids is that you can send them off to the shops! I think you were actually quite disrespectful to expect MIL to drop everything to come over because you didn't have enough nappies in.

It comes across that you have had more children than you can cope with, why is that? If it is because you wanted a DD, then you have put a hypothetical daughter before your existing sons who need you. If that is the case you have no right to be salty at MIL for favouring her DD.

Because if you only invest in your daughter’s children and not in your son’s children then you have to expect your son to be upset.

so you think it’s ok for mil to help her dd when she’s not coping but not help her son? Why?

Her son doesn't appear to need any help. He has happily checked out.

I get the frustration. I live within walking distance of my mom's house and I can count on one hand how many times she's had my 3 boys, and never all of them together. My MIL has never had them. It's hard. Both of them help out their other children a shit ton more. It hurts my feelings.

Also, Its not exclusively a MIL issue. my mother did a massive amount for my brother’s 3 kids, & spent loads of money on both my 2 brother’s families.
She did not babysit once for me, & did not help financially.

Do you tend to ask ad hoc or at the time you need like today? I know my own DM will help any of us but she would be flustered if she got a phone call asking for her to come now but be absolutely fine if I pre arranged childcare. It could simply be that she likes to have plans and doesn’t deal well having it sprung on her as with a lot of older people which may also explain why it’s ok with SIL if for example,
she goes there every Tuesday afternoon it’s in her diary

It makes no sense. Why would she not want to help her own son and his children because he married ‘some woman’ when presumably her daughter has married ‘some man.’

I think you sound frazzled and like you were drowning in that situation today and just desperately needed someone to step in for 2 seconds. I only have two young kids but I totally get it. You can only base your judgement on how you think you’ll be as a MIL and I’d like to think if I received that call I’d be straight there to help, having had young kids myself. I knew my husband was coming home at 5.15pm tonight and at 5.05pm was staring at the clock in despair. It’s hard and I’ve been there with posting on here just looking for a tiny bit of support and it just makes you feel 10 times worse because the ‘MIL’s should do nothing’ brigade arrive

Yeah it's absolutely awful. You don't need to have the same bond to be a good grandparent. Wonder if these are the same people who complain about the MIL bashing threads.

Instead of spending time with one set regularly, spend a little time with all sets occasionally. Unless there’s some genuine massive disparity e.g. one family a parent has mental health problems.

No offence but fuck looking after 5 boisterous boys

and im 31 and a single parent to one! They're your kids, not hers. I'd pick watching two over 5 any day.

We are entitled to the free labour of women, didn't you know that? Older women are NOT entitled to simply say "No" although no is a full sentence in every other part of life.

Older women are to be nannies, caregivers and support for anyone who asks them, till they finally drop dead of exhaustion.

Any older woman who says no to babysitting is to be reviled, shamed and picked apart. She will die alone in a ditch and it will be her own fault.

Husbands and fathers in law, boys and men of all ages are exempt.

I mean, obviously that's all total bullshit, but it's what these endless hectoring threads intend to reinforce.

Or, older women get to do whatever they want with their own precious, totally irreplacable and limited time and resources.

Because when you're talking about spending time in someone's home and with their children your relationship with their primary caregiver does usually make a difference in the experience.

OP's husband (the MIL's son) sounds utterly uninvolved, so the MIL will be coordinating everything with OP. OP doesn't sound like she particularly likes her MIL, and she's very likely just not as close to the MIL as the MIL's own daughter.

The MIL and her daughter may be close friends at this age, MIL may really enjoy going to her daughter's house to iron and chat and have tea, and may find it extremely low-stress to coordinate tasks with her daughter. Her daughter may have a better understanding of her own mother's preferences/schedule and what sorts of asks when are going to be well received, and may be an important source of support in her mother's life. The two may agree more on childcare/parenting approaches and be able to resolve conflict with less stress.

It's not reasonable to ignore the different relationship with the parents, especially the primary caregiver, when talking about this sort of hands-on help.