to expect mil to help out sometimes with the kids??

[OneGreatSheep]

so bit of a rant but feel like im going mad… ive got 5 boys (16, 13, 8, 4 and baby whos 15 months) and honestly its non stop. dh works “long hours” 🙄 and when he is home hes knackered so its all on me.

mil lives literally 10 mins away and is always round at sil’s (she only has 2 kids and shes a sahm!) helping with school runs, babysitting, even does her ironing!! yet when i ask for the odd favour its like im being cheeky.

tonight i just wanted to nip tesco cos weve ran out of nappies AGAIN and ds5 was screaming, ds4 having a meltdown cos his uniform itched and ds3 shouting on xbox, and ds1 refusing to come with me cos hes “busy revising” (aka on tiktok 🙄). i texted mil and she said she couldnt cos she was “tired” after helping sil all day. ended up dragging them all out in the rain just for nappies.

aibu to think she should help me out once in a while?? its not like i ask every day, but feels like she favours sil and her kids and im drowning over here.

If her husband is going to do fewer hours and more parenting can one assume that the OP will get a part time job to make up the financial loss to the family as her husband will be doing more 'parenting' giving her some free time?

So not one of the oder children could have baby sat for the younger ones whilst you hit the shop?

Just because your DH is tired after a shift , does that mean you also can not be?

Did you two as adults , not choose to have such a large family?

Couples are supposed to work as couples, they are YOUR children, its not all down to you

Its also not down to MIL - she can pick and choose, she's done her bit

This isnt a MIL problem, its a relationship problem - sort it with DP

DS1 was home when you 'suddenly' realised you needed nappies so, why on earth didn't he keep a eye on them for the 10 mins you said it would be?
I think it's incredibly rude to ask your MIL when you have 2 Teens in the house old enough to play with the littlies for 10 mins. No way would I ask either parents to come out IN THE RAIN.
Why are your expectations higher for your MIL than your elder children?

There's no "should", theory or otherwise. People should do whatever they choose with their own precious, irreplaceable time, particularly as they get older. Mil will have her own extremely good reasons for not choosing to donate her own time, and OP "should" not expect other women to pick up the slack for her lazy husband and "should" expect her older kids to help out with the younger ones.

This is where someone says "Well then they can die alone in a ditch because they didn't babysit my kids when I demanded it!"

Meh. Women who are being hassled to look after grandchildren and say no have already weighed up the positives and negatives and are fine with the negatives.

All the ins and outs don't matter, mil's aren't servants and there is no "should" requirement for any help with your own children. There would be a lot less angst on mumsnet if women just accepted that nobody is entitled to free childcare from other women, regardless of relationship or reasons.

Op I get it, I’ve four boys, all loved and wanted but I do everything myself. Everything. Same with dh’s work, pays the majority of our income so it’s fair enough but I do sometimes look at the help other people get and think gid it must be lovely for someone to say ‘you don’t worry about that, take a breather’. This thread is so full of angry people, imo op is asking for any help, not for her mil to take over parenting!

Your poor MIL, just settling down in front of the telly, cup of tea in hand, rain pissing down outside and the phone rings. And the poor woman knows there's a 16 year old in the house. And a father, who owns a phone but chooses not to use it. But she's supposed to step up because ...

@JudgeJ I am assuming OP is putting "long hours" in inverted commas for a reason. Maybe he is staying out longer than needed to avoid parenting

Or her husband, or father in law, come to that.

Does she drive? How difficult would it have been for her to get you some nappies or sit with the kids whilst you did? I don’t do childcare except in emergencies but would go for nappies, something from the shops etc to save dsd from taking the children out in the rain. However, it goes both ways. She would pick something up for me at the drop of a hat if I needed her too. Do you ever help mil or is that her daughter’s job?

She'll have the relationship she deserves with them when they're adults.
I have a boy and a girl, if they have DC I'll make sure they all feel important.
unless DIL hates me if they are open to help, I'll help them equally.

Maybe mil isn’t that bothered. Some people are just like that.

You have a dh problem.

Doesn't matter, at all, whether it was easy or hard or anything else.

Like mumsnetters like to say (unless they are demanding free labour from older women) "No" is a full sentence.

why have 5 kids and expect in laws to help you manage?

It's so weird that you - or anybody ever - thinks this comment scores a point. What on earth makes you think she'll give a toss if she doesn't spend time with them when she's older?

The whole "Well then, you can die all alone in a ditch if you won't provide me free childcare" routine is bizarre, and trotted out every single time.

As if the mil hasn't already made a judgement based on her own experience, intelligence and wants and needs.

Your 16yo needs to get a grip. Bet you pay for all sorts for him. 16yo old and 13yo at home, I'd have no need for poor mil to get involved.

16yo vaping in the house can do one. And you need to parent up.

I have 4, now adult with one much younger so have done this scenario.

No, it just seems an interesting choice when you expect others to help. I say, have the number of kids you alone can cope with. And any other help is a bonus.

I'd have messaged hubby to bring nappies home.

It's awful that she favours her daughter (exception if you/your partner were rude or treated her as less than others in the family-please don't think I'm saying you have, but that would be the only excuse for her to do this). I will always treat my children/their partners the same, as much as possible. Obvious exception if one lived far away/had more health issues etc, but I would never favour my daughter's kids over my son's-that would be horrible of me. And yes, I know it's quite possible neither will have kids when they grow up, but my point is that if they do, I will try to offer the same help to each.
I would speak to her to ask if there's a problem. Has she felt, maybe unfairly, that you've treated her badly, or not wanted her? Has your partner? If so, make him apologise, if that will help. At the least, it might make her realise she's discriminating against one set of grandchildren.
Also-you said MIL-a lot of the time, we seem to expect more from grandmothers than grandfathers. Now, fair enough, in your situation, and a lot of other people's, maybe there is no FIL in the picture, maybe he's still working longer etc-but I do notice how much more seems to be expected from MILs than FILs, plus nasty comments (not saying you, OP!) about FILS are far less common, and I find it hard to believe all older men are better than older women.

I'd have gone to Tesco for you. I admit we can't cope with five though . We split them off for treats.

I don't think you can expect help. It's nice to have it but nobody's entitled to help, and it's not your MIL's fault that you've got 5 kids. It does sound unfair but that's life.

How difficult would it have been for her to get you some nappies or sit with the kids whilst you did?

How dfficult would it have been for DS1 or DS2 to do either of those things? Why should MiL have to pick up the slack for a couple of idle teenage boys (who will no doubt grow up to be idle men whose wives will be complaining on MN in 10-15 yrs).

Right. I haven't seen anyone hammering or shaming OP at all, just pointing out that having 5 kids is a pretty deliberate choice. Surely by child number 3 OP had realised the work involved and realised her husband was not stepping up? She chose to keep going, so now she gets to keep going.

She should definitely be parenting the older kids in such a way that they are capable of helping out and insisting that her DH helps more though.

To be honest, I think it's kind of nice having a big family, and often wish I had more than the 2 (lovely young adults now) that I had. But I had no childcare or family nearby so just had two as that was the number we could cope with.

Sorry @OneGreatSheep but there is no way I would accept vaping and Xbox as an excuse from my 16yo and 13yo for not helping out.

I think your MIL was right to decline in a situation where there two others in the house that should be capable of minding the younger ones, including the baby.

why is OP shaming MIL when it was her choice to have 5 bloody kids!