to expect mil to help out sometimes with the kids??

[OneGreatSheep]

so bit of a rant but feel like im going mad… ive got 5 boys (16, 13, 8, 4 and baby whos 15 months) and honestly its non stop. dh works “long hours” 🙄 and when he is home hes knackered so its all on me.

mil lives literally 10 mins away and is always round at sil’s (she only has 2 kids and shes a sahm!) helping with school runs, babysitting, even does her ironing!! yet when i ask for the odd favour its like im being cheeky.

tonight i just wanted to nip tesco cos weve ran out of nappies AGAIN and ds5 was screaming, ds4 having a meltdown cos his uniform itched and ds3 shouting on xbox, and ds1 refusing to come with me cos hes “busy revising” (aka on tiktok 🙄). i texted mil and she said she couldnt cos she was “tired” after helping sil all day. ended up dragging them all out in the rain just for nappies.

aibu to think she should help me out once in a while?? its not like i ask every day, but feels like she favours sil and her kids and im drowning over here.

I would have fetched the nappies for you, but frankly, you haven’t made your household sound like a pleasant place to visit.

The list of children crying, screaming, shouting, sounds awful.
The oldest should be able to pop out to the shops for you, not be adding to the noise.

Clearly, it makes perfect sense to the mil to say No and do what she wants with her own time.

Insert standard response - "But she will die in a ditch all alone and it will be her own fault"

@bumbaloo

its MIL choice like its OPs choice to push out 5 with a partner who isnt pulling their weight

I am pregnant with baby no 5 , none of mine vape, or "scream at the xbox" & that's probably why I don't have issues getting childcare from family .. if you run out of nappies you can deliveroo/ uber them but your 16 year old is old enough to babysit & that's part of your issue, your boys are clearly unruly & don't do as they're told so obviously will be too much hard work .

Could, should, are what’s ’fair’ are all irrelevant.

She’s made it clear that she doesn’t want to, doesn’t have to, and isn’t going to. That’s it. You can continue to expect differently if you like, but all that will result in is your own disappointment.

@OneGreatSheep could you not get them delivered via deliveroo or amazon - you can get them in the hour?

I would take away and destroy the vape.
I would turn off the Xbox.
No one would be on TikTok until their homework was done.

i can understand why your mil is saying Thanks but no thanks.

Ask your FIL @OneGreatSheep . Your husband needs to step up doesn’t he? You know this but instead of holding your hubby accountable you attribute responsibility on your MIL

OP, sorry to read it feels like you're drowning and for the Mumsnet pile on. We don't have family support (all internationally) so organisation is key for us. You need to get yourself into a situation where running out of nappy type scenarios don't happen and if they do one of your teens can help with that. When your DH is back give him the kids, have a bit of you time then plot and plan how you can be more organised and forgot mil.

It does sound like a really manic and miserable environment

Where was your DH in all this? If he wasn’t yet home, couldn’t he have picked up nappies? If he was home, why couldn’t he have gone out? Why couldn’t DS (16) have gone to the shops for you? If you were literally down to your last nappy, why didn’t you ask MIL to pick up some nappies rather than come round and mind five unruly and fractious boys? Your MIL is not some sort of unpaid baby minder, and if your DSil is a SAHM, then MIL probably enjoys going round there and having the company - there will be two of them looking after two children, which is very different from MIL on her own looking after your five, who sadly don’t sound particularly open to reason. If you allow a 15 month old to “refuse” to get into his buggy, what hope for when he’s older?

Dying in a ditch sounds preferable tbh

I think yabu to direct all your anger at your MiL.

Your oldest DS could have minded the other kids while you nipped out, or he could have nipped out to pick up the nappies. And your DH works long hours while ignoring you. Could you have messaged him and asked him to pick them up on the way home? Your DH has to step up. He has five kids so ignorance is not an option. And stop letting your older boys walk all over you and check out of family life. This is how boys grow up to be men who think housework and child rearing is beneath them. You're literally choosing to blame a woman over the males in your home who could have resolved the issue. Stop asking and start demanding.

My experience is that the more children you have the less willing people are to help/get involved. I’d be daunted by the prospect of looking after 5 kids on my own and I’m only 40! I suppose your mil just feels it’s too much for her.

It’s fine to have many kids if you have the plan and ability to raise them properly. The fact her 16 spends his days vaping and the 14 year old spends his time playing Xbox and cannot carry out a single tasks such as go buy some nappies says a lot about their parenting and her DH conveniently works late everyday to gets way from the craziness. He conveniently never picks up his phone when he is “working late” so why would MIL get herself involved when even their father stays away?

I can see MIL not wanting to be involved in the chaos or disapproving of their parenting approach, I wouldn’t be comfortable watching my 16 year old grandson vaping all day in the house without being able to say something.

She chose to have 2, bit you want her to help with your choice to have 5? Seriously?

Exactly, and to add her 16 year old vaping at home and the 14 year old spends his time playing Xbox says a lot about the chaos in the house.

Most people aren't "shaming her for the number of kids {she} has" they are pointing out that she shouldn't be trying to shame her MiL for not wanting to go out in the rain this evening to pick up nappies, which there is no reason to have run out of, but, if she has, there are all the options people have suggested ahead of thinking "I'll ask MiL"

OP chose to have 5 dc, (or, from later post chose to have 4, and didn't insist on anything permanent like a vasectomy) when presumably her DP would have already been showing his true colours after the first two, if not the first one. So, it would seem an odd choice to make, knowing she will be doing all the parenting herself, and knowing she struggles with the organisation of it.

This is why I love MN, women supporting women. No really, you’re all being so supportive of the OP. Dragging her for having 5 kids, running out of nappies, etc etc.

Where the fuck is the kicking for her H who is “tired from his long hours” ?

OK MIL doesn’t have to help, but blatant favouritism between grandkids will bite her on the arse at some point.

And as for the comment of OP being some random woman her son married: WOW!

OP, I hope you bought yourself something nice to have once the kids have buggered off to bed.

And, just to say, the word "expect" in this title really fucking grinds my gears.

Your mil should be able to "expect" you not to believe you're entitled to her free labour and should be able to "expect" you to just get on with raising all the kids you chose to have and not blame her for the failings of your parenting and your husband - but apparently that's a bridge too far.

I can't say looking aftrer 5 boys with one screaming, one having a meltdownn, and one shouting would be my ideal thing to do either. You can't really force that on someone must because you've chosen it for your self. Maybe your MIL would be more amenable in spending time with one or two of your boys at a time?

@butterfly1234 MIL already does that -she takes one of the younger boys to football sometimes. But if the older two are only interested in xbox and vaping and don't respond well to being asked to do anything and the baby is allowed to refuse to get in a pushchair, even one at a time child minding sounds hard work.

Your lazy lump of a husband needs to step up and parent. Long hours and the poor little mite is too knackered to parent his children? Women don’t get that option. It’s not mil’s fault although it’s easy to blame her as she’s female. What about fil, could he have gone to get the nappies for you?

How old is she?

To be honest it sounds exhausting - a kid at every single stage of child development in one go.

Plus I can't imagine what it would be like to be 'expected' to help you deal with your choices.

I wonder if there's a difference in the way you and her daughter speak to her, your respective language and expectations?

She might just feel more comfortable and respected over there.

Is this a pretend post?
Sad that MIL can't help but she IS over whelmed.

Op, start by helping yourself and reducing the chaos and unexpected emergencies.
No to vaping, get DS1 help to stop, also mandate communication about going out.
No to more than half an hour of XBox per day for DS2 and immediate loss for two days if son won't help out reasonably sometimes.
Routines for all sons helping in the household.

Mandate that DH HAS to be contactable at ALL times.
He could easily have purchased nappies on way home or, even better, he could have picked up your whole weekly shopping order waiting for collection.

Stash five nappies in a hiding place. Only use maximum of two from that place before buying more nappies.

I would have chosen to leave the kids home:
16 year old oversees for ten minutes, he is in charge of the four year old.
Hand the baby to the fifteen year old.
Ask the eight year old to either read quietly in his room or come with you.

You could also try asking MIL for help not involving child care. For example - ask MIL to buy the nappies and drop them to you. Asking MIL to come and share pikelets in the local park for a picnic so to be adult company for you.

Guests will never like to visit a vape house, MIL included.
Family will not like screaming and an overpowering XBox.
Your home is not calm nor welcoming for MIL.
Try to change for benefit of your sons.