to expect mil to help out sometimes with the kids??

[OneGreatSheep]

so bit of a rant but feel like im going mad… ive got 5 boys (16, 13, 8, 4 and baby whos 15 months) and honestly its non stop. dh works “long hours” 🙄 and when he is home hes knackered so its all on me.

mil lives literally 10 mins away and is always round at sil’s (she only has 2 kids and shes a sahm!) helping with school runs, babysitting, even does her ironing!! yet when i ask for the odd favour its like im being cheeky.

tonight i just wanted to nip tesco cos weve ran out of nappies AGAIN and ds5 was screaming, ds4 having a meltdown cos his uniform itched and ds3 shouting on xbox, and ds1 refusing to come with me cos hes “busy revising” (aka on tiktok 🙄). i texted mil and she said she couldnt cos she was “tired” after helping sil all day. ended up dragging them all out in the rain just for nappies.

aibu to think she should help me out once in a while?? its not like i ask every day, but feels like she favours sil and her kids and im drowning over here.

16 year could have gone to Tesco for nappies? They will be driving next year

@OneGreatSheep I think you are directing your frustration in the wrong direction.

You and your DP/DH chose to create a big family and you need to manage that internally between the 2 of you.

The expectation for any in laws to be responsible for you to go to the shop is ridiculous.

You need to have a conversation with your DH/DP. And use Deliveroo or similar for nappies etc.

I am sorry it's hard right now.

"to expect mil to help out sometimes with the kids??"

You have no right to "expect" this - it's not her fault you haven't managed to be organised with nappies.
It's a pity the oldest could not go and get them - something wrong there - more so than with MiL.

I believe in treating my son and daughters family's in exactly the same way. However I couldn't manage a family of 5 boys some of whom were having meltdowns and screaming.

@OneGreatSheep

"dh never answers his phone when hes “working late” so its always on me."

This is the very first thing you need to address.

I understand that ds 1 and 2 aren’t responsible enough, but why the need to drag them out for nappies?

dh has told you that you overwhelm his mum but yet you still asking her at least once a month. Maybe take a hint. She doesn’t want to help. Shame your older 2 can’t contribute a bit with babysitting for a few mins or running to the shop for you. Can you change that?

5 kids between 1 and 16. You must have had one in nappies for the last 16 years. You've literally never escaped the baby or toddler age. How old are Sils kids? I feel like the "help I've got a baby" stage can't last 16 years. You have to be on it if you want to keep having babies rather than asking Mil for help.

She could have at least offered to get the nappies if she didn't (understandably) want to look after the boys. I don't think it's right that she favours some grandchildren over others, and do understand your frustration. I'd probably feel hurt too. It's probably more about practicalities and how hard she finds it with 5 compared to 2 though, but I'm sure she could help in other ways if she wanted to. Maybe DH could ask if she can do your ironing instead of SILs! Even it out a bit! 😆
But yeah I do get both sides, it's natural for you to feel shunned but at the same time the help shouldn't be an expectation, even if it IS being offered unequally between siblings families.

Perhaps you should "expect" your husband to pull his weight. I used to work in a very male dominated business. Many of these men would faff about in the office being totally unproductive rather than go home to the chaos and drudgery of family life. Funnily enough all the women with kids were off on the stroke of 5.

Does your husband actually have to work late or does he just choose to stay late at work so he can opt out of parenting for as long as possible?

I bet it’s the latter.

As for your MIL, well, I have 2 kids and I’m a single parent. If one of my kids decided to have FIVE children I wouldn’t be falling over myself to babysit a lot I’m afraid. Don’t have more children than you can cope with. I couldn’t cope with more than two and that is why I am glad I stopped at two.

If I had the option of looking after two kids or five I know which I’d be choosing.

Genuinely confused why OP had to take a 16 and a 13 year old out to buy nappies. Or why sending the 16 year old wasn’t an option. Or why their Dad couldn’t pick some up on the way home. Or why Tesco whoosh wasn’t an option.

Hahaha what a simplistic way of putting it. Just some 'random woman' who's been in the family for 17 years at least. Also mother to her grandchildren, who are infact, her flesh and blood I'm afraid.

Why not send the 16yo to the shop if it's only 1 item needed? Or just take the 2 youngest. The 2 teens should be fine with the 8yo.
But from the sounds of your children, I'm not sure I would want to keep an eye on them if I was tired.

I think that’s very sad and not very kind of her. My MIL is wonderful and can’t do enough for us, even though she looks after my SIL daughter for weeks on end. She would jump at the chance to help not only her son, but me as his partner. She is very fair with her time.

@OneGreatSheep I'm reeling from the fact that your eldest, aged 16, sits in his room vaping.

I'm reeling from the fact that presumably yiu could have got some nappies at the weekend ornearlier today when at least three of the children were at school.

Is there a reason why your own mum can't help?

If I am entirely honest, of course I'd help my DIL but not with the same visceral need with which I'd help my daughter. Also, dil has her own mother to suppprt her and they are emotionally close.

All a bit moot at present as dil and ds moved to SA last week. Fingers crossed they will stop at two children if they start.

This. Why do the men get away scott free?

So it’s your MIL’s fault your 18 year old couldn’t be trusted with his siblings for 15 minutes? That’s on you, not her and why should she pick up your poor parenting slack. I can easily see how your family set up would overwhelm your MIL.

I hate it when people feel entitled to other people’s support for their choices.

No one has said that OP doesn’t deserve any help, only that she shouldn’t expect it, or feel entitled to it, or feel hard done by when the help she wants isn’t forthcoming.

Oh come on. The MIL should be ferrying nappies too and fro whilst a perfectly healthy 16 yr old games and vapes, and the dad ignores his phone? And whilst there are multiple delivery services. I strongly suspect she’s had enough of facilitating this circus TBH.

Where's your own parents, OP?

Oh people are being horrid.

Grandchildren are grandchildren. Grandparents shouldn't differentiate. OP I feel quite sorry for you.

This particular situation probably paints you as a bit all over the place but your general point isn't unreasonable. MIL could be helping more with the younger ones or engaging more with older ones. If she has energy to help SIL, she has energy to help you!

Im sorry your feeling overwhelmed OP, with 5 kids and mostly doing it on your own , no wonder your struggling.

She sounds like a poor excuse of a grandma, if she can’t go to the shops and buy her grandchildren nappies.

What about your side of the family? Is there anyone on your side who can help?.

if finances allow, I’d be bulking up on nappies and other essentials.

But your dh can’t be using the excuse that he’s tired, he’s getting a full nights sleep at his own leisure , he then doesn’t get to come home and be a part time dad when his wife is doing it alone 24/7.

You also need a break.

Just what i was going to say. Thats disgusting at any age , let alone 16 . Wonder what else is in it ?

Don't have five kids if you can't look after them. Sounds hellish to me and no one else's responsibility.

I could not and would not look after 5 kids, however this is also a DH issue - can you afford for him to work less hours? Why is his tiredness more important than yours? I am sorry but you had 5 kids together he has to come home and do more?

He also needs to talk to him Mum, perhaps she could take DS3 to football
every week?

I am firmly in the do not rely on GPs as they have done their time raising children camp- but your DH is still her flesh and blood, the same as your SiL so whats the issue? Perhaps she does feel overwhelmed like DH said??

Could you do a tesco express or uber eats shop they deliver all sorts including nappies.