So lonely even DD and DH don't understand me.

[Thevegetarianchef]

So after a lifetime of anxiety and bouts of depression I was finally diagnosed with ADHD and autistic traits.
This has been helpful with regard to work relationships.
Not so much my home life.At the weekend we met up with DD who left home nearly ten yrs ago.She lives hundreds of miles away so we see each other every few months.
We had all gone shopping not DHS favourite past time and were grabbing a coffee or going back.
They wanted coffee in a cosy cramped hot cafe.
I wasn't so sure.Off DD stomped and I know she gets handgry as this has happened before.
DH ran after her. We settled on good old Mand S which was spacious.
Am I unreasonable to expect anyone in my own family to realise I struggle and have always with cramped spaces or to find out about my diagnosis as DH said I Keep going on about it.I have linked articles for him to read to understand.
I feel so lonely and misunderstood and isolated already.

I should qualify that DH has some of his own quirks and isn't necessarily the easiest to live with on his more challenging days either, which I put up with and work around with grace and understanding, too, because I love and adore him and we have each others' backs no matter what. So it definitely goes both ways! As usual, there is nuance to it and balance is important.

The OP has herself said that she can't holiday with her family. Do you not think a family holiday is a need? It is a basic need for me. Even just a weekend away.

She hasn't explained if she can go on 'some' holidays. Quiet ones. But she has said her NT DH goes on holidays by himself. So yeah, if that is a need for him, then it's dismissed as not important.

I mean, they did go to the type of place that matched your preference. You need to see that, and understand that they had an emotional frustration response.

But tbh it sounds like your diagnosis helps you understand. To them youre presenting it like things should always accommodate you and now you have proof its not your fault, its your condition.

Now I dont doubt those things may be difficult for you, but they did prioritise accommodating your needs by agreeing to M&S. And i think you need to balance your wellbeing with some compromise somewhere, and accept both sides will need to do that navigating forward

It's not about "choice". She finds it difficult to be in a cramped stuffy place due to her autism!. Having an opinion is different from stomping off in a huff!

I completely understand and relate to this as I also have a brother in his 50s with a very similar story. My issue is that I understand that part of his condition is his inability to understand or express any interest in me or anyone else around us, so even though I know it's not his fault, I've pretty much had enough of being understanding/caring and even though I still love him, I've run out of energy for spending time with him listening to his shit without ever being asked how I am, so I just avoid seeing him now. I'm not saying OP or any other ND person is this way, but it's how he is wired and I just can't be arsed with tolerating it any more. This is why the comparisons with other disabilities can't necessarily be applied, because it's particularly hard to keep being understanding with someone who's condition can mean they're fundamentally unable to be understanding of others.

So I spent my entire life undiagnosed and struggling.
I worked then went full-time and some.Infact I'm glad I didn't know I had ADHD so I used my strengths and pushed on sometimes burning out and changing jobs.
I don't really engage with others much as I don't want to appear high maintenance however I've always struggled like this.
I always have.
ND isn't an excuse it is a valid reason why I process things differently.
Our DD can easily go abroad,socialise and often goes here there everywhere that I never could.
I may have traits and not be diagnosed.I am officially severe ADHD though.

Being neurodivergent doesn’t mean you don’t have to compromise sometimes and that you never have to do things you don’t like.

Being neurotypical doesn’t mean your family don’t have needs and preferences of their own or that there is nothing they find stressful and difficult.

Your wishes aren’t suddenly more important than everyone else’s just because they’re related to your neurodivergence. You’re the same person you were before your diagnosis and, just as you presumably did before, you still need to take other people’s views and feelings into account. You can’t expect everything to be tailored to you.

I’m not neurotypical - I’m different type of neurodivergent to you, but my neurodivergent condition does mean there are some situations that I find more difficult and stressful than most. However, there are times when I have to accept that I need to put up with them for the sake of other people, and I don’t think my neurodivergence means my feelings take precedence over other people’s. Nor do I bombard my family with articles about my condition. It’s my issue to manage, not theirs.

I expect there is a much higher proportion of people on MN that are ND due to the nature of enjoying online communication.

One of my children's old teachers was very black and white about ND children needing to fit in, having to learn to mask etc. She was rigidly fixated on everyone needing to be the same. Initially I thought she was just ignorant, but eventually I realised she was probably ND herself.

Until I learned a lot more about autism and ADHD myself via my child being diagnosed i absolutley wouldn't have understood these sorts of issues. Or realised why I also felt so strongly aboht certain things!

Pretty pickle I have been a real workaholic too.
I can get all consumed in one direction.

Try to make it more about you. You are allowing other people to creep into your life.

It was trying to find out about neurodiversity 3 yrs ago that led me to my own assessment.
It also makes me super tolerant of others in the workplace.Colleagues often tell me how kind I am.

I am late diagnosed ADHD and it has been such a relief in many ways but it's also a challenge. If you have been diagnosed you should also have access to either an ADHD counsellor or at least CBT therapy. Being diagnosed was a relief to me as I am no longer waiting for the magic 'key' that everyone else seemed to have and I don't. I understand why I behave the way I do and it means I can put strategies in to cope with it (ie dealing with the mundane, dealing with sensory overload etc). It does also mean I can provide an explanation to family and close friends around what my help me. I hyperfocus and don't like being interrupted and my family know this now. You can't though just assume that peiple will know. The diagnosis is the start of your journey and will take time for you to learn what works and then get other people involved. To just expect that over night isn't realistic. Ensure you are getting the support you need.

Your DH and your DD already have a better measure than most regarding who you are. They don't need a reading list to know what you're like, they've lived with you and your bouts of depression and anxiety for years. The diagnosis is not to help others modify their behaviour, it's to help you understand yourself better.

You might find that professionally the diagnosis has helped because you work for a company that has a policy in place to accommodate the wishes of people with the diagnosis you have. Family relationships don't necessarily work like that, you're a wife, and a mother there.

I'd make a start to try to improve things with DH and DD by trying to foster some curiosity about their experience and feelings of being in a relationship with you over the years, what that has been like, listen, and try to strengthen your empathy muscle, and accept that everyone has needs and preferences, diagnosis or not.

We're not married. He tells everybody he is autistic, most of all me. I asked him where he was diagnosed. Silence.

Don't you ever fucking call me a whiner again. The only person whining on this thread of the op over a stupid cafe.

Also if you are ND there is a high chance your DD is as well! Which may explain the phuffiness

I expect there is a much higher proportion of people on MN that are ND due to the nature of enjoying online communication.

I absolutely agree. In a similar vein, people who are introverted are often attracted to chat forums. It always amuses me when there are threads about being introverted vs extroverted. Loads of posters mock the fact that Mumsnet is disproportionately populated with introverted people. No shit Sherlock … They also claim that introverted people are hard work and that think they’re better than everyone else. But that’s a whole other thread!

All of this - the biggest advantage of my late ADHD diagnosis has been the understanding of why I feel, react and behave the way I do and means that I can access ADHD specific tools to help.

But it does change the way you behave and interact with others - including those closest to you as you no longer need to constantly mask and filter your feelings through the lens of what is normal.

That doesn't mean to say I now expect to have everything my way - but it does mean that my DH knows that if we go somewhere busy, I will need time to decompress afterwards.

I think it is also unfair if OPs DH is not willing to understand what having ADHD actually means or how it presents and affects the OP. My DH has listened to me talk about it and explain the different elements.

While he has always been supportive (recognising when I need time alone or when I am not myself), now we know that the time alone is because I am overstimulated. He can spot when I am getting hyperactive or hyper-focussed before I do and checks in that I have taken my meds.

He can see when I am suffering from decision paralysis and proactively steps in rather than waiting for me to ask for help as he would previously (which would happen sometime never).

I can also talk to him more when I feel the rejection sensitivity kicking in - whereas before, I would never voice those concerns because I thought it made me sound paranoid.

Being able to take the mask off at home is a massive help as the constant masking, internalised struggles and inability to plan and be organised like other people pre-diagnosis led to burnout and nearly to a complete breakdown.

People who say that loved ones don't want to hear it because you are who you have always been don't get that ADHD can cause you to mask your true self even from those who are closest to you! A late diagnosis is a big deal because it fundamentally changes your perception of yourself and forces you to reframe your entire history.

@Thevegetarianchef - I would definitely recommend counselling and / or ADHD coaching, it's really helpful! I also recommend reading Now It All Makes Sense by Alex Partridge and The ADHD Women's Wellbeing Toolkit by Kate Moryoussef

Your DD may well have traits you don't know about too. It's easy to look at others and think everything is fine for them, but we all have problems and limitations. I'm sorry that you are struggling but try not to think everything is easy for others.

I think of someone can’t manage to go on holiday, then they shouldn’t have to. If it’s important to a loved one, they shouldn’t have the option of going without you. Ultimately, maybe if it’s a partner and holidays are importing to them , then maybe the couple aren’t well suited.

My friends child is autistic and they can’t manage holidays due to it. He can’t cope with the changes it involves and as a loving parent, my friend is understanding of that.

In OPs case, her husband is going away with friends and hasn’t mentioned that bring an issue to either of them.

You claimed that it is assumed that NT have no needs, which is what I said I found bizarre. If anyone assumes you have no needs, you should remove them from your life imo.

Bloody hell OP every single one of your replies are Me me me I I I.

This isn't really the place for aggressive outbursts.

Wow. You sound triggered. Have you been called a whiner before

And the OP is about a lot more than just a "stupid café" It's about being accommodated when you have a disability

I think it helps me understand my DH too.
I can see he watches the same TV show for 40 yrs.
Eats the same lunch.
I will endeavour to try to push myself as I did for the holiday.
It is important to stay in touch with the grown up dcs not just via video calls.

Pippypippy that is my perspective.