So lonely even DD and DH don't understand me.

[Thevegetarianchef]

So after a lifetime of anxiety and bouts of depression I was finally diagnosed with ADHD and autistic traits.
This has been helpful with regard to work relationships.
Not so much my home life.At the weekend we met up with DD who left home nearly ten yrs ago.She lives hundreds of miles away so we see each other every few months.
We had all gone shopping not DHS favourite past time and were grabbing a coffee or going back.
They wanted coffee in a cosy cramped hot cafe.
I wasn't so sure.Off DD stomped and I know she gets handgry as this has happened before.
DH ran after her. We settled on good old Mand S which was spacious.
Am I unreasonable to expect anyone in my own family to realise I struggle and have always with cramped spaces or to find out about my diagnosis as DH said I Keep going on about it.I have linked articles for him to read to understand.
I feel so lonely and misunderstood and isolated already.

As a late diagnosed adult, I imagine you have compromised your whole life, in ways that others don't even realise. You probably didn't realise yourself just how much you were bending and twisting to fit in with the majority. I don't think it's unreasonable to want the people you love the most to understand how hard it has been for you and to at least try to make a few connections between certain behaviours you have displayed and the fact that there is, and always has been, a solid reason for them.

Do you think while your dd was growing up you modelled good emotional intelligence and emotional resilience for her to learn how to deal with things?

Your last post referencing a wheelchair user and mountaineering 🙄

I don't think these labels are helpful. Every person is different and has likes and dislikes, anxieties etc. Having a diagnosis doesn't make one person's preferences more important than someone else's. Everyone has to make compromises sometimes so I hope that you are all willing to give way from time to time.

Your diagnosis isn't really relevant. The pertinent part is that you can't cope in small cramped spaces and need to avoid them.
Your family need to accept this means you will not be able to go into them with them, and that storming off and becoming angry with you won't change that.
Their options when out with you are to find a place you're comfortable or go to another place without you.
There are places I can't cope with for other reasons, and this is how it's managed. It's really not difficult. Provided people know your hard line against certain things and that you're not going to be shamed, cajoled or bullied into them, and that you dont insist choices are always made to accommodate you, people accept a work around.

My son has interestingly banned me from talking about my weight loss injections and journey with Diabetes, despite him continually referring to his ADHD, I realised then that I was guilty of doing to him the same thing. I think we all do it to some extent, want others to understand what we are going through. I try to be kind and listen, I do love him and want him to be understood and help him, but equally other things exist outside of our health issues.

This thread is interesting. My MiL always needs to choose the cafe or whatever. She won't say what she wants, but finds fault with anything suggested until you hit on where she had in mind. FiL and DH are used to this, so go along with the pantomime. I find it really frustrating and make every excuse to not be there.

The follow on is that DH inevitably expects me to choose cafe, holiday etc including a bit of mind reading on my part to find out what his preferences are. I would much prefer a grown-up discussion about preferences and to try things that he likes.

Your daughter is the visitor. Try something different by asking others what they want and steeling yourself. She will have grown up with your needs getting priority. Now she is living away she may be more aware and find it frustrating but may be unable to directly contradict her childhood conditioning. So the "hangry". Your DH probably wants quality time with his DD without a row.

Wtf is going on with these comments? Someone needs to explain to me this hatred towards ND people. or is this just fake comments and trolls? If not, what a nasty bunch you are. If she can’t expect her own family to make an effort to accommodate certain struggles and to be interested enough to read a couple of articles, who can she rely on?
yes of course it’s different now. She has an explanation for all the times she’s struggled with day to day stuff, and is trying to explain this to her family. Probably trying to justify herself for years of asking what she needs to function, and now feels validated.
I’m guessing some of these posters are constantly belittled and ignored in their homes and can’t take the idea of asking for support.
do better!!!

I've read your posts, OP, and the first few ignorant and quite nasty responses. AIBU is not the place for anything nuanced or about neurodiversity. There are regulars who are just waiting to criticise an OP, however little they know about the topic. Of course your DP should bother to read a couple of articles at a minimum. You shouldn't have to endlessly apologise for or ignore your needs because your DH and DD are uninterested. Their tempers and sulking sounds draining and frustrating for you. I'm not surprised you feel lonely.
I'm sure it's been suggested already, but if you can find a groups for ND adults, especially late-diagnosed, then that may feel better. Are you on the FB ones?

So you were feeling overwhelmed by the cramped cafe, while your daughter was feeling very hangry. I have experienced both feelings, and they are pretty similar feelings to be honest. It sounds like it all worked out in the end, and you settled on a cafe that suited you all, so what's the problem? You want your family to show understanding for your issues, but you don't seem very understanding of your daughter's issues... I'm not saying having a temper tantrum and storming off is appropriate, but if she's always done it and her dad does it too, then it seems silly to take it personally.

It’s not a competition. Loved ones should be considerate to each other. You seem to be saying that your husband wouldn’t go in a taxi due to impacts on him of autism. If he couldn’t manage a taxi due to autism and you couldn’t manage public transport due to claustrophobia, then you potentially can’t travel together.

The vast majority of ND people I know do consider others feelings and don’t expect others to do things that cause them distress, but rightly aren’t going to cause themselves issues by doing something that causes them distress either.

Mumsnet HQ have said they have a problem with numerous returning autism trolls so I’m sure some posters will be them. Others will just be people who believe ND is a ‘label’ not a diagnosis. Forums attract some very unhappy people who seem to get something out of doing this, you have to pity them really.

He's been in a taxi with me before. He was just being an arsehole and saying his ND was to blame. Self diagnosed of course.

@ILoveWhales, that honestly sounds way more reflective of your relationship than a wider issue. I've noticed that many ND males feel little or no need to compromise, while many ND women, especially late-diagnosed ones, have spent their lives trying to fit around others and minimise their own needs.

This is probably the most common-sense post I've read on MN.

We are now bombarded with autism. It's hard to find a thread on MN in which it isn't mentioned. But if so many people are on the spectrum, then surely those who aren't diagnosed have become the neglected minority?

Ah, you didn't specify what you were referring to. And that strawman stuff is thrown around a lot by those who refuse to see that they are wrong.

We are all differently abled, aren't we.

It’s possible that he can do it some days and not others. It’s also possible that he is just selfish of course, you know him best. But to then say that is why people and sick of people with certain ND or ‘self diagnosed’ isn’t right. If your husband is a cunt, don’t take that out on other ND people who will be trying to be considerate, just not willing to break themselves. And many people will self diagnose because waiting times for assessment are so long and they’re just trying to get others to be considerate of their issues. As this thread shows, there are many people with a poor attitude to ND, just like your husband may have a poor attitude to your claustrophobia.

Reading threads like this just makes me realise how lucky I am to have lovely people in my life. It really makes a difference when you’re going through anything.

I have an adult daughter with a chronic illness. Not ND but debilitating. I agree that family members should be considerate to each other if possible.

But most posters appear not to have read the long list of things that OP can't do. Then she confused me further by saying she can do some things.

I will also say that these days, it is assumed that NT, " healthy" people have no needs of their own. I am really struggling with menopause and a tough job. I have had to tell my DD that she has to suck up certain things because I simply have no energy left to give.

I think the thing to remember is your DH and DD are not businesses or public institutions- they don't have to provide reasonable adjustments or accommodations. They should try to accommodate your needs where possible because they love you but being the person constantly adjusting for the neurodivergent people in your life can be exhausting and feel unfair. As other posters have probably mentioned, it is quite likely your daughter is also neurodivergent, so whose neurodivergence needs 'win' in a situation like this? I have got to admit, if I was your DD or DH I probably would have stormed off too.

I have a neurodivergent family member whose needs always came first - where we visited, where we ate, timings, everything. Now, I have two severely disabled children and still, for many years this family member tried to ensure her needs were met first. I think as part of her neurodivergence, she genuinely couldn't see other people had more pressing needs.

I have slightly more sympathy for you because it does sound like you have made plenty of compromises, however clearly this is a pattern because it seems pretty obvious why your DD and DH stormed off. I think you should reflect on that and consider apologising to them.

That’s not true, but in any case, the world isn’t set up for ND people, hence why by law, asking for reasonable adjustments in educational institutions and workplaces is allowed.

I wouldn't want to queue up in a hot crowded and therefore noisy cafe either OP. YANBU. I can't imagine anyone would.

It wouldn't be relaxing or restful and there's nothing worse than being packed in at tables with other people's chatter in your ears. If that was the only option I'd have got a takeaway rather than be stuffed into that atmosphere.

I would have suggested looking for another one too OP, and I wouldn't have expected your adult DD to "stomp off" in a mood and make a fuss about that.

You mention they both have temper tantrums.
You shouldn't have to remind them of your diagnosis to try to get some basic consideration from them. You should be getting that from them anyway. The problem is you are not.
They both sound quite overbearing, impatient and difficult. You should try to get some assertiveness training. I think there's not much point in bring up your diagnosis to them... since they seem to use this as an excuse to ignore what you are saying and direct the argument straight back on to you being a problem, which puts you down and shuts you up.

Practice saying things more directly eg "This is too crowded. Let's look for a better one." Don't bow down to or be afraid of tantrums. At that stage I would have walked off, left them to their crap cafe and gone home.

d

I think that’s who you are mixing with. I don’t know anyone that assumes NT have no needs. How bizarre.

Quick solution for the hangry DD (who needs to grow up a bit and pre-empt her food needs!)

What would you say if in 5 years the DD gets diagnosed with a ND condition and mentioned this exact situation? Would she be told she needs to grow up and preempt her needs? What if it turns out she has ADHD and often forgets to bring a snack or forward plan etc? She should just sort herself out right? Or not?

Honestly this is why I hate the fact diagnosed (especially late diagnosed) ND has to trump everything. There’s possibly thousands of undiagnosed people out there getting told to suck it up. But as soon as they become diagnosed it changes to everyone else must suck it up. But those may also be undiagnosed. EVERYONE needs to show understanding and compromise at times.

I have a love hate relationship with my high functioning autistic brother who had a very successful career. He was not diagnosed until he was mid 50's. I speak from my own experience here and I know I will get flamed for this but, there are two perspectives for this. And I will start here by saying that every autistic person is different so this isn't a carte blanche analysis, its just my experience with my brother.

We always knew he was different, his way or the highway and my parents took the course of least resistance and gave in, it drove me mad as much as I loved him. I felt pushed out as if my needs/wants did not count. He had a major meltdown that landed him in major trouble in his mid 50's and that is when he got his diagnosis.

I now understand that he is wired differently to us, its not him being self centred but what he needs and how is brain is wired but his ability to focus on one thing only and push for it in a variety of ways is impressive but also dismissive of our feelings. And its that attitude that got him the amazing career. But in saying that, now he has the diagnosis, he needs to appreciate that there needs to be some accommodations on his side too, its not his get out of jail free card, and its not always about him, because other people have feelings and needs.

It takes both sides to adjust to the diagnosis, you need to understand that they have a right to their choice too and their rights/needs always being pushed to one side does become very unfair and frankly waring. My brother can't help that he is wired differently and after his diagnosis, I can certainly understand and appreciate many of our life incidents better now, but he doesn't seem to have the same ability to reflect.

The problem is that he seems to make these allowances at work, which is very much working on a one to one with other people, but when he has an emotional connection with someone (like family), he doesn't seem to be able to interpret things in quite the same manner. Again, I know he can't help it, but he has acquired coping mechanisms since childhood that need to be re-addressed now he has his diagnosis, in the same way we need to revisit stuff too.

Your diagnosis is also their diagnosis, as in you need to work together and if you are simply telling them...and not working with them, considering the changes they have had to cope with, it will create resentment.

That being said, your family obviously love you as you are and now know your diagnosis and its a voyage of discovery for all sides. I would encourage you AND your family to join support groups to reassure you are not alone with this and that it is part of the diagnosis and there are lots of others going through this and you can support each other.

More and more people are being diagnosed with this type of condition and I think its because we are at long last accepting that not everyone is wired the same way, which isn't a negative thing and we need to rethink societal norms because we are all different in some way.

I don't think I am explaining myself well here but hopefully you will understand some of it.

There's been several people like that on here, talking of 'normies' as though everyone else's life is a walk in the park and can't know what it's like to suffer. Trouble is everyone wants other people to be understanding of their own woes, which are not innately fascinating anyway, so there's bound to be resentment.