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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think promiscuous men should be shamed more?

417 replies

TheJoyOfWriting · 08/09/2025 22:28

This, really. The whole body count discourse is the latest version of slut-shaming, as it's mostly aimed at women. Promiscuous men are still given status by other men and by women, too often.

The body count arguments that people use against women can be used against men just as easily. Promiscuous men are more likely to cheat. They are more likely to have STDs. They are more likely to have contributed to an 'oops' baby- it takes 2 to make one, and more likely to walk away after w no consequences.

Promiscuous men often dump women after pretending to be interested to get sex, esp on datjng apps, which fuel this kind of behaviour. Women tend to find ONSs less satisfying, often partly bc these kind of men often don't care about giving pleasure, just taking it.

The idea that a man's worth is measured by how many women he has sex with is very bad. It encourages men to treat women badly, and it fuels the incel culture by making men feel insecure & unmanly if they're not sexually successful.

Thoughts? I don't mean we should call Promiscuous men horrible names or talk about them like 'run through' or 'high mileage cars' the way some men do about promiscuous women. But I think they should be shamed more, by both men and women.

I don't think casual sex is bad per se, but I think the culture of it has got out of control, and Promiscuous men share a lot of the blame.

OP posts:
CommissarySushi · 09/09/2025 14:58

Why do you ignore so many posts?

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 15:01

Remingtonsteele · 09/09/2025 14:26

I used the internet for hookups before you were born.

just saying.

Are you the poster into kink? I read that people in that scene were early users of online hookup sites

People saying what you are saying are missing the point. Yes, hookups, Internet, porn etc are not new. What is new is the huge position OLD occupies now. And the scale & nature of porn etc

OP posts:
WhiskyintheJarr · 09/09/2025 15:02

I’m a millennial. I was like 12 when we got the internet 🫠

Anchorage56 · 09/09/2025 15:02

A lot of what you say makes sense for a teenager. You have been surrounded by other teenagers so you are applying how they think to the whole of society. But boys and girls grow up and their attitudes change. I think when you get older you will realise a lot of your posts aren't that relevant.

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 15:02

CommissarySushi · 09/09/2025 14:58

Why do you ignore so many posts?

I have to do some stuff now. I wil reply to everyone later, sorry but I can't fit everyone in now. Most AIBUs only answer some.

OP posts:
TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 15:05

NoThanksNeeded · 09/09/2025 13:54

And we need to be able to openly talk about kink and sex

So we can teach young people these safe practices

Can kink ever be truly safe? Safe, sane and consensual sounds fine, but it is reported to often not stack up to reality.

OP posts:
BauhausOfEliott · 09/09/2025 15:06

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 15:01

Are you the poster into kink? I read that people in that scene were early users of online hookup sites

People saying what you are saying are missing the point. Yes, hookups, Internet, porn etc are not new. What is new is the huge position OLD occupies now. And the scale & nature of porn etc

If you think the internet is the root of all evils, you might want to consider that this thread is still going to exist in ten years’ time when you will be cringing yourself inside out at how immature and over-confident you sound. Honestly, I’m actually surprised you’re as old as 19.

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 15:12

NoThanksNeeded · 09/09/2025 13:46

There's nothing inherently wrong about violence, dom/sub, humiliation etc in sex so long as its practised under the kink mantra of "safe, sane and consensual"

But you're showing more and more your actual issues

I ask again... have you been raised with a particularly religious view at home?

I think it's v interesting that you think only a young and naive person could disagree w mixing violence, domination, humiliation with sex.

Yes, I am religious, and I'm not ashamed of that. Why should it mean my opinion is automatically discounted?

I'm a pretty liberal Christian (no issue w women priests, gay relationships, single mothers by choice (like my own!).

It doesn't mean that I automatically think casual sex is wrong. I don't think it is if both parties are upfront and everyone is happy etc But how common is that...?

Maybe the best kind of casual sex is FWB arrangements where everyone knows the score and can trust each other based on experience. I've read threads on here from older women who are divorced & have an FWB for various reasons, seems to probs one of the least potentially problematic casu sex situations

OP posts:
CommissarySushi · 09/09/2025 15:12

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 15:02

I have to do some stuff now. I wil reply to everyone later, sorry but I can't fit everyone in now. Most AIBUs only answer some.

You're clearly ignoring certain posts.

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 15:13

CommissarySushi · 09/09/2025 15:12

You're clearly ignoring certain posts.

I will answer all tonight, don't worry. 👍

I've replied to several critical posts.

OP posts:
Booneymil · 09/09/2025 15:17

The men who slut shame are men who cannot get a lot of sex. They are jealous of women who get sex and so try to control those women

I just ignore those men. When i was younger i was more shamed by men not to have a lot of sex.

Now im in my forties i realise that i dont care what those kinda of men think about me anymore. And now i am having the best s3x as i do what i want.

I have had two amazing one night stands in the past week

PennySweeet · 09/09/2025 15:18

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 14:52

To be clear, I'm not saying people on MN are lying! But it's possible people on MN are more likely to like casual sex- or maybe those who do are more vocal? It doesn't seem to chime w wider studies

It’s easier for women to be vocal on anonymous internet forums due to people like yourself believing they should be shamed.

Or as you put it, you’re ‘not sure if they should be shamed or not’.

With your sort of attitude they’re hardly going to open up to you or people like you.

BauhausOfEliott · 09/09/2025 15:18

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 15:05

Can kink ever be truly safe? Safe, sane and consensual sounds fine, but it is reported to often not stack up to reality.

A ‘kink’ is just any sexual practice that isn’t entirely conventional and turns someone on. It doesn’t necessarily mean casual sex or BDSM. It can be anything.

How do you imagine someone is going to be harmed by, eg, wearing certain clothes, hearing their partner say certain words during sex, edging each other or getting their partner to wear a cock-ring or whatever?

You have very little experience of life, sex and relationships, by the sound of it. You are basing everything on what you’ve heard or read. It’s all second-hand, it’s all anecdotal. You are very unqualified for the discussion, frankly.

LBOCS2 · 09/09/2025 15:22

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 15:01

Are you the poster into kink? I read that people in that scene were early users of online hookup sites

People saying what you are saying are missing the point. Yes, hookups, Internet, porn etc are not new. What is new is the huge position OLD occupies now. And the scale & nature of porn etc

GenZ didn’t grow up with online dating taking off; it was well established by the point any of you reached adulthood. Even Tinder, which I still think of as being a relatively new dating app, came out when you were 6 years old. Online dating took off in the early 2000s, when older millennials were coming of age. I have friends who used online dating and met and married their partners before you even started secondary school - they have GenZ children who are a result of their parents meeting online.

And, with the best will in the world, you have NO IDEA about the scale of porn available to early adopters of the internet. It wasn’t controlled by government legislation, or all funnelled through major services offering subscriptions and paid for experiences. It was just there, available, and if you could think it up - whether it was legal or not - you could find it. The internet suddenly scaled from a very niche service used in computer labs to being something that almost everyone had, unsupervised, in their homes. There were no parental filters, or age blockers, or ID verifications. Anyone could get online and upload or find anything they wanted - and they did. All of the checks and safeguards and legal restrictions in place happened after the issue was identified, not before. Your entire life’s experience of the online arena has been a very sanitised one.

PennySweeet · 09/09/2025 15:23

Anyone else thinking the OP is really Alan Partridge?

THEY’RE SEX PEOPLE LYNNE!!

🤣🤣

CommissarySushi · 09/09/2025 15:25

BauhausOfEliott · 09/09/2025 15:18

A ‘kink’ is just any sexual practice that isn’t entirely conventional and turns someone on. It doesn’t necessarily mean casual sex or BDSM. It can be anything.

How do you imagine someone is going to be harmed by, eg, wearing certain clothes, hearing their partner say certain words during sex, edging each other or getting their partner to wear a cock-ring or whatever?

You have very little experience of life, sex and relationships, by the sound of it. You are basing everything on what you’ve heard or read. It’s all second-hand, it’s all anecdotal. You are very unqualified for the discussion, frankly.

All of this. You don't have a clue.

NoThanksNeeded · 09/09/2025 15:25

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 14:51

MN isn't the same as real life. Women consistently report regret after casual sex much more than men do, and lower sociosexuality (desire to have uncommitted sex). Are they all lying?

Here's one study.

www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0191886918300539&ved=2ahUKEwju3tGu6cuPAxXC3AIHHWo8JVIQFnoECDUQAQ&usg=AOvVaw0-Jft0Z0vkLhheDjshUBLf

Any one study is not going to represent all women/real life the same as a sample size of MN users isn't...

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 15:26

BauhausOfEliott · 09/09/2025 15:18

A ‘kink’ is just any sexual practice that isn’t entirely conventional and turns someone on. It doesn’t necessarily mean casual sex or BDSM. It can be anything.

How do you imagine someone is going to be harmed by, eg, wearing certain clothes, hearing their partner say certain words during sex, edging each other or getting their partner to wear a cock-ring or whatever?

You have very little experience of life, sex and relationships, by the sound of it. You are basing everything on what you’ve heard or read. It’s all second-hand, it’s all anecdotal. You are very unqualified for the discussion, frankly.

I don't mean stuff like that. It's true I was forgetting about fairly mild stuff. As I said above, I was thinking more in terms of violence, humiliation etc

OP posts:
BauhausOfEliott · 09/09/2025 15:34

It doesn't mean that I automatically think casual sex is wrong. I don't think it is if both parties are upfront and everyone is happy etc But how common is that...?

It’s extremely common. It’s the norm, in fact.

Regardless of which - other people’s sexual relationships are absolutely none of your business and it’s not your place to say what is/isn’t ’wrong’.

If you feel casual sex, ‘kink’, BDSM etc aren’t a good thing, then simply do not do them. But the fact that they might be wrong for you doesn’t mean they are wrong full stop or intrinsically harmful to society. You are in no position to tell anyone else what is or isn’t good/safe for them, simply because you’ve read some articles on the internet and have a religious faith.

I haven’t reached the age I have without knowing what kind of sex is happy, safe and healthy for me. I’ve been sexually active since before you were born - in fact, my current relationship started before you were born, let alone my dating years!

If you are concerned about ‘hookup culture’, don’t engage in it. Meet like-minded people through your church or use dating sites aimed at people with similar beliefs. But railing (unfortunate word choice) against the sexual choices of others - men or women - is just arrogant and frankly a bit odd.

ComtesseDeSpair · 09/09/2025 15:34

OP, the best information you can take on board and tell other young women your age is that they don’t have to have any sex they don’t want to have. Individual women who don’t like casual sex are perfectly free to decide for themselves that they won’t have casual sex; that they will get to know the men they date and find out a bit more about their views and treatment of women before they have sex; that they won’t date men who boast about a “body count”; that they will end relationships with men who treat them badly and support and encourage their women friends to do the same; that they will speak openly with their men friends about sex and relationships and porn and encourage them to speak to their men friends about the same.

Most people don’t believe sex is shameful anymore, nor that anybody’s moral character is informed by the sex they have or the people they choose to have it with. You can’t generate a willingness to shame others where there isn’t one, it’s just nonsense.

Booneymil · 09/09/2025 15:39

The best thing in life is noy to give a shit about the men who slut shame women.

I have stopped giving a shit in my forties and i am now having the best one night stand sex of my life.

I wish i had done more earlier

BauhausOfEliott · 09/09/2025 15:41

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 15:26

I don't mean stuff like that. It's true I was forgetting about fairly mild stuff. As I said above, I was thinking more in terms of violence, humiliation etc

Can still be perfectly safe. And ‘violence and humiliation’ is a very broad category of ‘kink’. A certain type of physical violence is always going to pose a degree of risk, although infinitely more people are harmed every day by, eg, playing sports for fun than they are from engaging in masochism for fun.

PennySweeet · 09/09/2025 15:42

Booneymil · 09/09/2025 15:39

The best thing in life is noy to give a shit about the men who slut shame women.

I have stopped giving a shit in my forties and i am now having the best one night stand sex of my life.

I wish i had done more earlier

It’s not just men slut shaming women though, it’s other women too like this OP.

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 15:46

NoThanksNeeded · 09/09/2025 15:25

Any one study is not going to represent all women/real life the same as a sample size of MN users isn't...

I know! I will link more studies later.

OP posts:
NoThanksNeeded · 09/09/2025 15:48

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 15:05

Can kink ever be truly safe? Safe, sane and consensual sounds fine, but it is reported to often not stack up to reality.

Yes. Kink can be safe.

The problem is when people don't follow safe practices. Which is worse when people are shamed for having kinks and aren't able to discuss them....