To tell my high school bully to jog on?!

[whattheheckkk]

Name changed for this one. Really random.

In high school (over 15 years ago) I was subjected to the most atrocious bullying by the same girl. I was pretty well liked overall, never really had a problem with anyone. I wasn't popular, had a little quiet friendship group.
Except this one girl. I did nothing to her, but when we were about 12 she decided she hated me, and she made my life hell. She was racist towards me, she called me fat, she poured a can of Coke into my school bag during PE. She put chewing gum in my hair. She spat on my lunch whilst I was eating it. She stole my blazer and trashed it. Told me to kill myself. She even flicked boiling hot metal from a soldering onto my hands during electronics class. Much more but you get the jist. She had a little possy of friends who all laughed.

My friends always told me to ignore her, but we were all kind of too quiet to say anything to her- she was scary tbh. I never let on to anyone, but she gave me the worst anxiety. I would rush to the toilet to vomit if she looked at me a certain way in the hallways. I'd cry myself to sleep about it. She never had a reason to hate me. I never told my parents or teachers. I don't know why, I don't really have an answer to that.

Anyway. Fast forward. She messaged me 3 days ago. Saying something along the lines of:

Hi. I know this is a really strange thing to do and I know you probably never wanted to hear from me again. But then went on to explain that she'd had a child a number of years ago and physically cannot get past the way she treated me. How she looks at her child and feels sick because of how scared and upset I must have been of her etc.. and she's terrified of someone treating her child the same way.

She then proceeded to tell me she had been in a really bad depressive pit and has sought professional therapy, where the topic of me came up. Her therapist told her reaching out to me may be a way to close a door. Which I get, kind of- but holy fucking shit- she literally nearly killed me as a teen.

There was a lot more to the message, she gave reasons for the way she treated me( bad home life apparently, which I do sympathise with) but then went on to say that of course it was no excuse. She couldn't make me forgive her and I didn't have to but it would 'help her close a chapter' 🙃 if I did. I haven't replied. To be honest I've been spiralling a bit since the message. I don't know why, I'm a grown woman, married, my own house and career, my own children.

I did speak to my sister (who knew of the abuse as I'd told her years later). She basically told me not to reply and that she could bugger off. Part of me feels sorry for her, but I'm a huge empath. Anyway. This is a massive muddle of a message. What would you do?

Yeah sod that. Don't give her oxygen. Block and move on. You owe her NOTHING. I find her contacting you sinister and creepy. If you DID respond, and say 'yeah it's OK, I forgive you' she will be all 'oh thank you hun, I feel sooooo much better!' Then she will try and befriend you, and be your bezzie, then her nasty toxic side will come out again, eventually. Just little barbed jibes where she will thrust a tinkly laugh your way, then more insidious shite, til she breaks you down again.

Bullies gonna bully, and not many of them change and become wonderful people. They often have the bullying tendencies deeply ingrained in them, and whilst they may try to mask it, they can't keep them at bay, even in adulthood. She will still have a nasty streak as a middle aged woman, and will probably be the sort who runs over to a little boy in a sports stadium, and steals the ball away that he has caught from one of the players!

BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK!

@footache

I often wonder at therapists who tell their clients that they should reach out to those they’ve mistreated, when the very act of doing so will likely cause huge emotional disruption for the person on the receiving end.

I know right. Why should someone's emotional well being, mental health, and life in general be upended because someone who was a twat to them for many years, wants to be forgiven, and wants to redeem themselves, and wants to make themselves feel better. Fuck that shit. I wouldn't be talking to anyone who was a cunt to me in the past, and saying I forgive them, so they can make themselves feel better, and make their peace with God. LOL, jog on pal!

Hi OP, I read the account of what you endured at the hands (literally in some hideous instances) of this person with mounting horror and anger on your behalf. How do you feel hearing from her after all this time? It must have been a real shock. My take on it is that after the suffering she inflicted on you and bearing in mind what she did was in some instances actually criminal, she has some front expecting you to reach out and help her come to terms with what she did. I would reply saying that no, you cannot help her and you want no further contact from her. I would add that you do hope her child never has to endure the hell she put you through. I once confronted someone who bullied me in my adult life, they actually bullled me out of a job and then carried on trying to undermine and wreck my new work prospects but with no success. I saw them at an event and she was all smarmy and fake friendly so I just said "why did you do it, why did you bully me and make my life hell?" She crumbled and started to cry, but did not deny it. She then went on to say that she always thought I so good at everything I did and she had so much respect for me! Bullies do have issues and problems but nothing excuses the sometimes life time of harm they inflict on the people who survive them

I wouldn't reply either. Or if I did it would only be to say that what she had done to me was not something I was able to forgive, nor absolve her of.
Sometimes we do shitty things and we have to carry the weight of them.

Shellyash!! 😂

I had a similar Facebook message, prompted I think by her telling an ex mutual classmate that she was worried about her kid being bullied.
he pointed out what she’d done (apparently she couldn’t remember any of it), I said yes I forgive you (just because I wanted her to leave me alone).
I didn’t feel any better / closure etc so I can tell you it’s not guaranteed to make you feel better.

This has given en me food for thought if the same happened to me.
I think my response would be 'How dare you contact me to ease you conscious. Don't ever contact me again.'

How did she get your contact details to message you?

It’s a big no from me 💐

By the way @Shellyash the beef wellington comment made me 😂😂😂 literally nearly choked whilst brushing my teeth reading it

Id be tempted to message back "sorry I don't remember you at all, but good luck with your therapy"

I'd be tempted to say that I hope her child turns out to be a much nicer person than their mother,

There is just this ridiculous expectation that when one person says 'I'm sorry' that the other person says 'that's ok' - particularly for girls there still remains this inherent concept of #Be kind, which sets up people pleasing behaviour. And this is what this bully is expecting, for you to be polite and say 'that's ok'. Please don't do this.

My daughters school does better with this and teaches the children that they shouldn't say that. If someone is saying sorry, it nearly always means they did something wrong (apart from a genuine accident that couldnt have been prevented). Saying 'that's ok' isn't helpful for either person, the person that says it resents it, and the person hearing it looses the opportunity to learn from their mistake. They are taught to say something like 'thank you for saying sorry, but what you did made me feel........so don't do it again'.

Of course what the bully did was so far beyond this, and some of the responses above are excellent along the lines of 'I hope your children never had to go through what I went through, no one deserves that'.

To be honest I would not reply. If I was to reply it would go something along the lines off

'Not interested, this all sounds like a you problem'

Can't believe what I've just read. She's contacted you so you can help her feel better. Her therapist supports this with no regard for your feelings when raking up the past. Tell her to fuck off and a get a new therapist while she's at it xx

Bullying affects you forever. Even as logical adults we take those confidence scars with us. I’d find it hard to forgive my bully if they did the same just because of how deep those scars can go 20/30/40 years later.

That said, the biggest thing to have helped me get over it is seeing my own children at those ages and realising just how young and thoughtless children of those ages are. However there are some very nasty children in those age groups and not all deserve to be forgiven.

Nope. I’d not reply. It’s her guilt and she can deal with it. I had a shit home life too. It made me more compassionate not a bully

I hope you hear this loud and clear

i think replying straight away would be a big mistake. You need to take your time if you choose to reply. You can be an empath but your feelings need to come first. It can take many years to heal and just one message now doesn’t mean you need to jump to, and know how to feel.

Forgiveness is for you, not for her. If you’re able one day to forgive, you’ll feel differently, you’ll forgive every scenario you played in your mind of how things could have gone, and you’ll be able to move on. But it takes years and lots of effort. Little by little, don’t rush anything.

if you do want to reply I’d be honest (tweak as you like)
I appreciate your reaching out and providing context to the situation. It’s sad to hear you had a bad experience. Living through pain, I know what that feels like. But the terrible pain I lived through was caused by you and affects me to this day. I almost died from what you put me through. I’m not ready to say “it’s okay, don’t worry, i forgive you”. Please don’t reach out again.

I wouldn’t bother responding just leave things on the past. She’s only sorry because she has child if she didn’t she wouldn’t give tonhoots about you. Block.

move on and live your life

Yes me too .
Luckily i havent seen any since school, many hundreds of years ago 😄

Nah.

If she'd sent me a message saying "I don't expect any reply, I just want you to know how sorry I am", I'd probably have replied.

But she made it about what she herself needed.

Don't forgive. I have experienced similar, and the pain bullies inflict last a lifetime and are unforgivable. Ignore is the best response.

Tbh, I'd go hard on her and tell her exactly how she made you feel, both emotionally and physically, to make her know exactly how horrible she was. She won't have a clue. I'd feel like if she was going to show regret, she at least needs to know the full extent of it. Then I'd probably tell her to fuck off and block her.

"I hope that your child doesnt go through what you put me through either, although if they are then you will finally understand what you put my parents through and how powerless they were to help me due to what you did"

This is the only alternative to silence.

Personally I believe forgiveness on this level to be totally over rated.

OP, far better to acknowledge that you have every right to feel what you did, own it.

I know if I found out someone, even a child did that to any of my children, I would not react in a forgiving manner.

I’d thank her for the message & forgive her. She’s clearly thought about it a lot and is apologising. Loads wouldn’t.

She can get to fuck. Plenty of kids have awful home lives but don’t bully someone in the way and did you.

Probably the best thing to do would be just to ignore her email. But nowadays, when I’m standing up for myself more (I was bullied, too), I’d be inclined to reply and tell her she’s now having a taste of her own medicine, that you owe her nothing and can’t help her. Then block her.

She’s got a bloody nerve, asking for your forgiveness so she can feel better about what she did. No, she’s going to have to find her own way to live with her behaviour.