To tell my high school bully to jog on?!

[whattheheckkk]

Name changed for this one. Really random.

In high school (over 15 years ago) I was subjected to the most atrocious bullying by the same girl. I was pretty well liked overall, never really had a problem with anyone. I wasn't popular, had a little quiet friendship group.
Except this one girl. I did nothing to her, but when we were about 12 she decided she hated me, and she made my life hell. She was racist towards me, she called me fat, she poured a can of Coke into my school bag during PE. She put chewing gum in my hair. She spat on my lunch whilst I was eating it. She stole my blazer and trashed it. Told me to kill myself. She even flicked boiling hot metal from a soldering onto my hands during electronics class. Much more but you get the jist. She had a little possy of friends who all laughed.

My friends always told me to ignore her, but we were all kind of too quiet to say anything to her- she was scary tbh. I never let on to anyone, but she gave me the worst anxiety. I would rush to the toilet to vomit if she looked at me a certain way in the hallways. I'd cry myself to sleep about it. She never had a reason to hate me. I never told my parents or teachers. I don't know why, I don't really have an answer to that.

Anyway. Fast forward. She messaged me 3 days ago. Saying something along the lines of:

Hi. I know this is a really strange thing to do and I know you probably never wanted to hear from me again. But then went on to explain that she'd had a child a number of years ago and physically cannot get past the way she treated me. How she looks at her child and feels sick because of how scared and upset I must have been of her etc.. and she's terrified of someone treating her child the same way.

She then proceeded to tell me she had been in a really bad depressive pit and has sought professional therapy, where the topic of me came up. Her therapist told her reaching out to me may be a way to close a door. Which I get, kind of- but holy fucking shit- she literally nearly killed me as a teen.

There was a lot more to the message, she gave reasons for the way she treated me( bad home life apparently, which I do sympathise with) but then went on to say that of course it was no excuse. She couldn't make me forgive her and I didn't have to but it would 'help her close a chapter' 🙃 if I did. I haven't replied. To be honest I've been spiralling a bit since the message. I don't know why, I'm a grown woman, married, my own house and career, my own children.

I did speak to my sister (who knew of the abuse as I'd told her years later). She basically told me not to reply and that she could bugger off. Part of me feels sorry for her, but I'm a huge empath. Anyway. This is a massive muddle of a message. What would you do?

@Shellyash · Today 20:51

Against the grain here, I would invite her round for a beef Wellington.

Fucking hell @Shellyash 😂 🍄🍄🍄 😆🤣😆 That made me LMFAO!!!!!!

I would block and not reply. Your silence would say all that needs to be said.

There's no single script for this sort of thing, but mine (and please forgive a bit of projection) would run something like this:

"Dear A (my worst bully's name began with an A) How dare you. It took me years to forget about your nasty little rodent face, your vicious insults and spiteful physical attacks. It's a pity for everyone, especially your poor child, that you continue to infest the earth. Now sod off."

And...block.

However, that would not be everyone's preferred approach. Some people would ignore, others would be icily polite, (all good) and some would try to be kind (their choice.) You have to do what suits you. You don't owe this creature a thing, not absolution, not closure, not the energy of your rage. And you don't owe her your goodness. Telling her to find a short pier and keep walking would not make you a bad person or blot your copybook for decency. Wishing you the very best.💐

"If your therapist can condone a stranger reliving childhood trauma in order to ease the conscience of her client she needs to a) get her head out of 1980s textbooks and b) hand her license back."

That is all she would get from me. No bitterness, no forgiveness, just passive aggressive "your therapist is shit." Then block.

Forgiveness is beneficial to you.

“Forgiveness is a form of self-healing that benefits victims, not perpetrators. And you can do it without being forced to accept or endorse what happened to you—and while preserving your right to defend yourself from present or future threats.”

You can personally benefit from forgiving even if you don’t communicate that with the perpetrator.

it’s a long article but stick with it.

https://apple.news/AfpyCB4ZHS7-99sPssBl13w

No. She hurt someone and that can’t be undone by her feeling sorry.
Forgiveness is for the benefit of the injured party. If they don’t think it will, ie it’s buried in the past, then that’s it.
That’s not the same as rewriting history.

God, I hate her, how dare she?

My sense is that doing absolutely nothing would be the worst outcome for her, so that’s what I think you should do.

I’d say “how could you even think I could forgive you? Never contact me again”.

or if you can leave it as read so she knows you’ve seen it but sends the message that she’s not worthy of a response, even better.

Only reply if you think it would be good for you.

you owe her nothing

She deserves nothing from you - forget this nasty, horrible poor excuse of a human being.
Live your best life .
If it helps you to tell her how desperately miserable she made your life then do so - otherwise forget her.

I think leave her be, if you're (meaning her) going to behave like that, you deserve to feel v v bad later in life. Personally I would block her and 'shut the door' she was old enough to know you don't behave that way and she still did it. Hopefully her daughter won't experience anything like it, let's face it, its not the Daughters fault. I hope you have a nice life and are happy, some things revisited could hurt you more and pull you back xx

"You don't deserve to find peace. Fuck off, cunt."

Sorry, but this story is not convincing me.

I think I’d block her without replying.

Unless you give her your full and heartfelt forgiveness and reassure her that what she did was nothing at all, it hasn’t affected you, and what a lovely person she is for wanting to apologise to you, then she’s going to resent any answer you give her, because it’s easier for her to resent you for refusing to forgive her, than it is to really reflect on what she did to you.

She doesn’t get to turn herself into the victim, with mean old you refusing to tell her how wonderful she is for overcoming her own trauma. She doesn’t deserve the courtesy of a response. Just press that block button and that’s it; she’s gone.

You can tell her it took you a long time to get over the impact of her bullying and for your own sake you would not want to engage.

Hopefully she will get the message that he reaching out to you was self centred and not for your benefit.

“It would help her close a chapter”!
Forget that. Why should you help her.
i would reply, how could I ever forget or forgive you, but I sincerely hope for your child’s sake (not yours) that they never have to endure what you did to me.

I would not forgive her. Why should you. She made your life hell. It's up to her to deal with her own issues. Dont even acknowledge the message.

She took enough from you...if it was me..I'd give her nothing.

I think I would reply “I don’t think there’s anything I can say that will make you feel better”. Then block her.

@nosleepforme

if you do want to reply I’d be honest (tweak as you like)
I appreciate your reaching out and providing context to the situation. It’s sad to hear you had a bad experience. Living through pain, I know what that feels like. But the terrible pain I lived through was caused by you and affects me to this day. I almost died from what you put me through. I’m not ready to say “it’s okay, don’t worry, i forgive you”. Please don’t reach out again.

@SapphOhNo

"You are not reaching out for me. You are reaching out for yourself. You want to be told that you’re not the monster you know deep down you are. But you are. Nothing you say, no therapy session, no excuses, will ever erase that truth: you are cruel, selfish, and rotten at the core.
Your bad home life didn’t force you to spit in someone’s food, to burn them with metal, to laugh as you humiliated another human being. You chose that. You enjoyed it. And that enjoyment is who you really are.

That’s the part you can never escape, no matter how much you cry into your therapist’s office or look at your child and pretend you’ve changed.
You want closure? Here’s your closure: you don’t deserve forgiveness. You don’t deserve peace. You don’t deserve to be the kind of mother who raises a child without them one day discovering what their mother really was a sadist who preyed on someone weaker, who destroyed for the sake of it, and who only decades later realised she couldn’t outrun her own reflection.

You will live the rest of your life knowing that who you are at your core is vile. You can coat it with therapy, with excuses, with crocodile tears — but the truth is unchangeable. And one day your child will look at you and see it too. That’s who you are. That’s who you’ll always be

I would strongly recommend the OP doesn't say this any of this to the bully. OR any of the other suggestions telling her what she is and that you will never forgive her! This woman/bully will be affronted by it, and miffed, and will very likely take the piss and use it against the OP. Probably screenshot it and put it on her social media.

GIVE NO RESPONSE @whattheheckkk Block her. Please!

I think this is a really good response.

Similar thing happened with me. Personally, I would say thanks for the apology & leave it at that. Kids can be so cruel. 12 is very young.

Gosh @whattheheckkk , I can only imagine how you feel right now having all that dredged up without your consent.xx

Your experience reminded me of a couple of chapters I read in Goodbye Autoimmune Disease by Dr Brooke Goldner on forgiveness. She writes about it, because she says that embracing forgiveness helps us let go of the emotional pain which impacts our health so much. It's not about condoning, it's about letting go. She has a couple of exercises which include an imaginary conversation with the person who hurt us, telling them how much they hurt us and the impact etc. You would need to read it yourself but just thought it may be helpful ...

I wish you all the best xx

Don’t say anything rude to her! Be the better person! She’s only doing it because her therapist told her to 🙄 I actually think that if she saw you in person she’d still have the urge to bully you. She’s being a reverse keyboard warrior, effectively. I think you should change your settings so no one can message you. (If you block her, she could send messages from other accounts.)

I would block her without replying. I don't think she deserves any more space in your brain. If she wants to make amends and be a changed person, she shouldn't involve you in that. It's not your job to help her move on.

In fact, she shouldn't be trying to close a chapter - the best way she can make amends is to be ultra mindful of the harm bullying can cause and make sure her daughter doesn't grow up to be one or condone it in others.

This requires NOT forgetting, and instead sitting with the harm she caused. A good therapist will help her channel this knowledge productively. (It doesn't sound as though she has one, but that's not your problem).