To tell my high school bully to jog on?!

[whattheheckkk]

Name changed for this one. Really random.

In high school (over 15 years ago) I was subjected to the most atrocious bullying by the same girl. I was pretty well liked overall, never really had a problem with anyone. I wasn't popular, had a little quiet friendship group.
Except this one girl. I did nothing to her, but when we were about 12 she decided she hated me, and she made my life hell. She was racist towards me, she called me fat, she poured a can of Coke into my school bag during PE. She put chewing gum in my hair. She spat on my lunch whilst I was eating it. She stole my blazer and trashed it. Told me to kill myself. She even flicked boiling hot metal from a soldering onto my hands during electronics class. Much more but you get the jist. She had a little possy of friends who all laughed.

My friends always told me to ignore her, but we were all kind of too quiet to say anything to her- she was scary tbh. I never let on to anyone, but she gave me the worst anxiety. I would rush to the toilet to vomit if she looked at me a certain way in the hallways. I'd cry myself to sleep about it. She never had a reason to hate me. I never told my parents or teachers. I don't know why, I don't really have an answer to that.

Anyway. Fast forward. She messaged me 3 days ago. Saying something along the lines of:

Hi. I know this is a really strange thing to do and I know you probably never wanted to hear from me again. But then went on to explain that she'd had a child a number of years ago and physically cannot get past the way she treated me. How she looks at her child and feels sick because of how scared and upset I must have been of her etc.. and she's terrified of someone treating her child the same way.

She then proceeded to tell me she had been in a really bad depressive pit and has sought professional therapy, where the topic of me came up. Her therapist told her reaching out to me may be a way to close a door. Which I get, kind of- but holy fucking shit- she literally nearly killed me as a teen.

There was a lot more to the message, she gave reasons for the way she treated me( bad home life apparently, which I do sympathise with) but then went on to say that of course it was no excuse. She couldn't make me forgive her and I didn't have to but it would 'help her close a chapter' 🙃 if I did. I haven't replied. To be honest I've been spiralling a bit since the message. I don't know why, I'm a grown woman, married, my own house and career, my own children.

I did speak to my sister (who knew of the abuse as I'd told her years later). She basically told me not to reply and that she could bugger off. Part of me feels sorry for her, but I'm a huge empath. Anyway. This is a massive muddle of a message. What would you do?

Bang on.

There is no therapist. This is all about her feeling better and giving herself closure now she's had her prodigal first born.

It's nothing to do with her feeling bad for you.

Ignore.

Nah. Shes doing this to make herself feel better. Its not about you. Its not about trying to makes amends. Its about her trying to get rid of her guilt.

She wants you to either forgive her (so she will feel better) or get angry (so she can argue that she tried to make amends but say its all your fault that she cant).

Someone above said to reply "I hope your child never has to endure what you did to me" and block her. Which is a great reply but I'd feel bad!

So Id probably just stick to a simple "never contact me again" as I think that will say everything but wont make me feel bad.

I hope this hasn't bought back too many memories. When therapists suggest things like this they ignore the impact it will have on the other person.

Ignore her. Don't message back as it will likely resurface even more painful feelings for you and make you feel anxious.

Her guilt, if she has any, should be her punishment to deal with and it doesn't necessarily follow that she's entitled to get closure from that. It might be a more powerful future lesson if she doesn't get it, actually.

I'd just say "Thanks" and then block her.

The comedian Sarah Millican dealt with something similar and she shared it on stage..
She simply messaged the bully back and said she didn't remember her favourably and wouldn't be contacting her again.
Upper hand I call that.

Maybe do that then block her? She deserves not a jot more of your time or thinking..

Well, that has hit a raw nerve for me 😑

Fuck off and my heart breaks for your daughter having a mother like you, sounds like a perfect response to me

I hate how she is making it your problem by giving you a sob story. She could have sent a note saying I really want to apologize for the way I treated you at school and acknowledge how horrendous she was and then leave it at that.

IIRC it wasn't an apology more of glossing over/ asking whether Sarah remembered her.

Would I ease her conscience? No, I'm not that altruistic. Block.

Unless responding will bring you peace or closure then I wouldn’t reply. She’s contacting you to offload her guilt then hoping for your forgiveness as a way to move on. I’d let her sit in the darkness she projected on you all those years ago

You clearly haven’t forgiven her and I don’t blame you one bit. I guess you could tell her that, or just ignore. Ignoring is probably best.

'You're right, I never wanted to hear from you again". Then block.
Cheek of the therapist, and her, no thought for you, she even says she knew you wouldn't welcome her contact but contacted you anyway, all about her.

Having been bullied not as a child but as an adult at work I find it difficult to have any sympathy. I'd be tempted to reply saying I hope her child is bullied (I wouldn't wish that but id say it to her)

I wonder this too, wonder if she's made up the therapist as a excuse to try and pressure you into saying you forgive her.
She sounds several cognitive stages back from where she needs to be, surely a therapist wouldn't encourage her to contact a victim when she's clearly still at a stage where she can't fully comprehend how her actions/words impact other people (and where she's still only thinking of herself)?

Hard no - all this is still all about her isn't it. Nothing about this is for your benefit.

Let her sort herself out - this is just a tick box for her therapist.

This exactly! She deserves to feel shit about how she treated you. I often wonder at therapists who tell their clients that they should reach out to those they’ve mistreated, when the very act of doing so will likely cause huge emotional disruption for the person on the receiving end.

Fuck that shit, you owe her absolutely nothing.

Oh, just block her. The end.

“ it’s not my job to make you feel better about yourself”

So she's contacted you to make herself feel better? Fuck that. Ignore and block.

So sorry you went through that, OP. 😭

I was bullied too - firstly by a group of strangers in the year above me, and it was all about my teeth (which WERE horrendous... referred to ortho at 10, discharged at 20; four jaw operations so far, and will need more); picked on by a couple of girls in my year, one girl in my class, and (relentlessly) by three boys in my class. So quite a bit, but nothing quite so extreme by a particular individual IYSWIM.

Anyway... two of the lads and one of the girls requested to be FB friends, decades later. I messaged each of them and called them out on their behaviour. The guys said sorry and said they were ashamed of the fact that they really didn't conduct themselves well at school, so that gave me some closure. I think I was 'friends' with one of them on there for a while, but he left years ago. The woman messaged me, all, "hi, how's it going? Remember XYZ from school?" I'm a sensitive, reserved person, so I was nice, but told her that I didn't remember certain things the same way, and in fact she had appeared to hate me at school. She went into "Nah, not at all" denial, so I blocked her. Reply to this person if you want - but you don't owe her anything. This is all about her!

I would ignore and block. Fuck her. I wouldn’t give her the benefit of closure.

I ignore entirely because I think that leaving her hanging is the thing that will most deny her what she wants.

I’m not proud to admit, but at my second high school (first one I left due to being bullied ironically), there was a girl who was a bit unusual. I had somehow become one of the random hybrid kids.. I was popular and clever and a swot (form captain, prefect, school council etc and part of the popular “naughty” kid group). I joined in with the piss taking of this girl. Just to fit in, as I struggled at my previous school.
I had a baby at 16 and didn’t really bother with all these kids after that. Enter the age of social media and this girl added me. I couldn’t help but apologise to her. I didn’t however, use my previous bullying, the need to fit in etc as an excuse. I just said “I was a complete twat and totally out of order. I can’t excuse my behaviour but I’d like to say I’m sorry.”
She responded with a thankyou. She said that one thankyou helped her so much. We then went on to stay in contact. She’s doing brilliantly now in another country living her best and completely individual life….

Maybe if this bully’s (and what you went through was way way worse than I experienced or saw her go through) apology had seemed more genuine rather than a load of excuses, you’d have accepted or at least acknowledged it.. though you in no way owe them anything or need to accept it, you’d have let it rest.
I cannot for the life of me fathom why I was awful to her, other than maybe I was jealous. Of her complete refusal to conform to the school trends just to fit in. Even now I think fair play to her and admire her for the life she’s carved out for herself.
I now make a point of teaching my children to be nice to others no matter how the look, act, speak anything. And if I found out my child was being a bully I’d be acting on it straight away.

im sorry you went through what you did and posts like this make me realise how much my actions may have affected this girl.. but luckily I was forgiven.

I want to tell her to fuck off and that my heart breaks for her child having her as a mother.

So do it. It will be a one off just as she is. Vile horrible woman. God help her poor child.

I wouldn’t reply. I would block her and move on.