To tell my high school bully to jog on?!

[whattheheckkk]

Name changed for this one. Really random.

In high school (over 15 years ago) I was subjected to the most atrocious bullying by the same girl. I was pretty well liked overall, never really had a problem with anyone. I wasn't popular, had a little quiet friendship group.
Except this one girl. I did nothing to her, but when we were about 12 she decided she hated me, and she made my life hell. She was racist towards me, she called me fat, she poured a can of Coke into my school bag during PE. She put chewing gum in my hair. She spat on my lunch whilst I was eating it. She stole my blazer and trashed it. Told me to kill myself. She even flicked boiling hot metal from a soldering onto my hands during electronics class. Much more but you get the jist. She had a little possy of friends who all laughed.

My friends always told me to ignore her, but we were all kind of too quiet to say anything to her- she was scary tbh. I never let on to anyone, but she gave me the worst anxiety. I would rush to the toilet to vomit if she looked at me a certain way in the hallways. I'd cry myself to sleep about it. She never had a reason to hate me. I never told my parents or teachers. I don't know why, I don't really have an answer to that.

Anyway. Fast forward. She messaged me 3 days ago. Saying something along the lines of:

Hi. I know this is a really strange thing to do and I know you probably never wanted to hear from me again. But then went on to explain that she'd had a child a number of years ago and physically cannot get past the way she treated me. How she looks at her child and feels sick because of how scared and upset I must have been of her etc.. and she's terrified of someone treating her child the same way.

She then proceeded to tell me she had been in a really bad depressive pit and has sought professional therapy, where the topic of me came up. Her therapist told her reaching out to me may be a way to close a door. Which I get, kind of- but holy fucking shit- she literally nearly killed me as a teen.

There was a lot more to the message, she gave reasons for the way she treated me( bad home life apparently, which I do sympathise with) but then went on to say that of course it was no excuse. She couldn't make me forgive her and I didn't have to but it would 'help her close a chapter' 🙃 if I did. I haven't replied. To be honest I've been spiralling a bit since the message. I don't know why, I'm a grown woman, married, my own house and career, my own children.

I did speak to my sister (who knew of the abuse as I'd told her years later). She basically told me not to reply and that she could bugger off. Part of me feels sorry for her, but I'm a huge empath. Anyway. This is a massive muddle of a message. What would you do?

All I'm reading from that is shes still a selfish bitch. Her whole reason for contacting you centers around herself, her child, her feelings, her therapist...blah blah.
If she really gave a shit she would have left you the hell alone & concentrated on her own issues. Now she's brought it all up for you again & stressed you out.
I'm not sure what you should respond, if at all. But all that matters now is YOU. Do what works for you, no rush, think on it a little.
Also you must be really strong to have gotten through all that, give your teenage self some huge respect. No matter how she's made you feel you're free now - she clearly isn't, I hope what she did haunts her daily.

I had a near exact experience. I adapted the response I gave:

"You are not reaching out for me. You are reaching out for yourself. You want to be told that you’re not the monster you know deep down you are. But you are. Nothing you say, no therapy session, no excuses, will ever erase that truth: you are cruel, selfish, and rotten at the core.

Your bad home life didn’t force you to spit in someone’s food, to burn them with metal, to laugh as you humiliated another human being. You chose that. You enjoyed it. And that enjoyment is who you really are. That’s the part you can never escape, no matter how much you cry into your therapist’s office or look at your child and pretend you’ve changed.

You want closure? Here’s your closure: you don’t deserve forgiveness. You don’t deserve peace. You don’t deserve to be the kind of mother who raises a child without them one day discovering what their mother really was a sadist who preyed on someone weaker, who destroyed for the sake of it, and who only decades later realised she couldn’t outrun her own reflection.

You will live the rest of your life knowing that who you are at your core is vile. You can coat it with therapy, with excuses, with crocodile tears — but the truth is unchangeable. And one day your child will look at you and see it too.

That’s who you are. That’s who you’ll always be"

Leave her on read and ignore.

She doesn't deserve happiness or closure

I'm sorry all that happened to you and I hope the guilt eats her up 🥰

Agree

Block and ignore

So basically if she hadn't had a child she'd still be completely oblivious to how she treated you? Fuck that! I can't stand people who only develop empathy after they have their own child. Can't even really call it empathy when it's just "I don't want this to happen to me or my mini-me" that's literally the only reason she wants your forgiveness.

I doubt she needs to worry too much about her daughter, I doubt any bully will fuck her up more than her selfish mum is going to. Did she even apologise or was it all about making herself feel better at your expense? Again.

I will never forgive my school bully EVER. I have learned to move on, but I never deserved to have my head smashed against a wall. I did nothing apart from being quiet and studied. I have a successful life, but would never help her come to terms with the shit she dealt out. You may be a better person than me.

Wow she is a piece of work. Totally at the centre of her own world and wants you to close her chapter and trying to guilt trip you by mentioning her child as if that will soften your response to be a positive one.

You owe her 100% of nothing and yet she is asking this of you.

I would quite honestly reply with 'Fuck off - never contact me again' and block her.

Exactly - she doesn't genuinely feel bad about it at all. She's still as nasty as she was then, she's just got better at hiding it

Ignore her. Responding is giving her the forgiveness she does not deserve

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for all these replies. I have read every single one and they've left me feeling both emotional and validated at the same time. I know I didn't deserve what she put me through. I don't know what to say to her, if anything. I want to tell her to fuck off and that my heart breaks for her child having her as a mother. But if I'm honest, I truly haven't ever said anything like that in my life to anyone. Of course I've had fall outs with people over the years but honestly I am kind hearted and I'm super proud of that. Out of all people to destroy my track record of being a good person, do I really want it to be her? I don't know if she deserves that...

I can forgive and forget a lot of the time but this is a situation where I'm not sure I can. I too look at my children and my stomach churns when I think about something similar happening to them. For entirely different reasons to her. Her 'apology' feels self absorbed and false the more I read it.

But I am going to sit on it. I don't think a therapist even told her to contact me, I think she's lying and she thinks it'll stop any bad karma getting to her and her family? Or if she's not lying I don't think she's been truthful about the extent of the abuse she inflicted on me.

Also, she contacted me on fb messenger- came through as a message request (they'll be getting turned off now!).

Thank you again. When I decide what to do, I'll try and pop on with an update

She re-opened this can of worms, and tbh she is only thinking of herself. You owe her nothing. So the question is, what course of action will bring the best result for you? That's what you should do.

Exactly - therapist sounds terrible (if there even is a therapist I can’t imagine a qualified therapist would ever suggest this). Bully sounds like a narcissist and a very damaged person. This is still all about her with zero concern for the impact she’s having on you by getting in touch. Definitely block and don’t reply - narcissists are just desperate for a reaction from you whether good or bad - don’t supply and look after yourself xxx

This is perfect but I would add a PS "Please inform your therapist, if indeed they exist, that they should know far better than to suggest this course of action as part of your therapy. Any decent therapist would be aware of long term effects of bullying such as suicide, PTSD, severe MH breakdowns etc and would not risk that as a result of you contacting me like this. If I knew who they were, I would be reporting them"

To be honest, I cant help thinking that her "therapist" is Dr Google.

holy fucking shit- she literally nearly killed me as a teen

Send her this information and see what her therapist says? You’re living with parenting children worrying if they will be bullied like you were.

Leave her on read, she doesn't deserve your response

@GloryFades

To be fair, it does make some victims of bullying (or other unpleasant behaviour) feel better to receive a genuine apology. Some people find it helpful to know that someone who mistreated them acknowledges what they did was wrong and is sorry for it. I suppose it doesn't work that way for everyone, but heartfelt remorse helps enough people on some level that I think it's normally a good thing for someone to apologise. I recently had a heartfelt apology from someone for something they did to me years ago (though I was actually the one who initiated contact with THEM) and I really appreciated getting it.

In OP's case, it seems like what is most upsetting for her is the pressure she feels (even if it's only minimal) to forgive when she doesn't feel able to. As well as apologising, the former bully is asking her victim to help her by expressing forgiveness. I do empathise with the former bully feeling the need for forgiveness (her guilt and remorse are clearly causing her issues) but at the same time, it puts the OP in a difficult position and potentially makes her feel almost obliged to forgive when she may not be ready or able to do this.

OP, if you decide to respond, my advice would be to say something like this:

"Thank you for your apology. I'm glad you've been able to reflect back and feel remorse for what you did. I suffered so much as a result of your actions and I don't feel able to forgive you. I hope you find another way of closing the chapter."

I'd reply and tell her that what she did was unforgivable, made your school days a misery and that she can only hope karma doesn't bite her in the arse. Also that she was, is and always will be a cunt pathetic.

I have no tolerance or sympathy for bullies. Her bleating about her poor mental health would enrage me. Boo fucking hoo, cry me a river. Too little, too late.

I wouldn't respond. I had in the past a horrible experience with a young woman, instantly hating me on sight, she turned everyone she could against me with her lies etc. If she contacted me tomorrow with something like this, I would block immediately. The lasting impact of this behaviour cannot be underestimated. It changes you. I'm so very sorry you experienced this awful treatment. You didn't deserve how she treated you, and she doesn't deserve to have her conscience eased.

TBH I’ve often wondered whether the vile little bully who victimised me at school, ever had children, and if so, how she’d feel if they were bullied.
I’d say to yours, OP, ‘Your guilt is not my problem. You deserve it. I don’t want to hear from you again.’
And block.

it would have been so much better if she’d genuinely expressed remorse and care for any long term effects on you. Instead it sounds like it’s all about her and her moving on and her therapy etc .id say to her . Thanks for the apology. I appreciate your past abuse of me will haunt you with your daughter. I don’t accept your apology as from what you are saying you are only doing it to help yourself with the guilt and nothing about wanting to make amends to me in any way - all about you.

The only time i got closure in school was by punching the bully multiple times to the point they had a black eye and were left sobbing. It was in response to constant verbal bullying but at that moment I did what I had to do. Knowing he got what he deserved makes me feel fine. I have no regrets.

(I'm 25 btw)

Never reply - she has to carry this now and learn to live with it.

I would reply “I am blocking your number. I have no interest in any aspect of your life and so I have not read your message in detail. I only wish to say that my life has been immeasurably better since you no longer played any part in it. In short, get lost.”

Yes do this then block the bitch.

How dare she come back into your life and traumatise you all over again?