To tell my high school bully to jog on?!

[whattheheckkk]

Name changed for this one. Really random.

In high school (over 15 years ago) I was subjected to the most atrocious bullying by the same girl. I was pretty well liked overall, never really had a problem with anyone. I wasn't popular, had a little quiet friendship group.
Except this one girl. I did nothing to her, but when we were about 12 she decided she hated me, and she made my life hell. She was racist towards me, she called me fat, she poured a can of Coke into my school bag during PE. She put chewing gum in my hair. She spat on my lunch whilst I was eating it. She stole my blazer and trashed it. Told me to kill myself. She even flicked boiling hot metal from a soldering onto my hands during electronics class. Much more but you get the jist. She had a little possy of friends who all laughed.

My friends always told me to ignore her, but we were all kind of too quiet to say anything to her- she was scary tbh. I never let on to anyone, but she gave me the worst anxiety. I would rush to the toilet to vomit if she looked at me a certain way in the hallways. I'd cry myself to sleep about it. She never had a reason to hate me. I never told my parents or teachers. I don't know why, I don't really have an answer to that.

Anyway. Fast forward. She messaged me 3 days ago. Saying something along the lines of:

Hi. I know this is a really strange thing to do and I know you probably never wanted to hear from me again. But then went on to explain that she'd had a child a number of years ago and physically cannot get past the way she treated me. How she looks at her child and feels sick because of how scared and upset I must have been of her etc.. and she's terrified of someone treating her child the same way.

She then proceeded to tell me she had been in a really bad depressive pit and has sought professional therapy, where the topic of me came up. Her therapist told her reaching out to me may be a way to close a door. Which I get, kind of- but holy fucking shit- she literally nearly killed me as a teen.

There was a lot more to the message, she gave reasons for the way she treated me( bad home life apparently, which I do sympathise with) but then went on to say that of course it was no excuse. She couldn't make me forgive her and I didn't have to but it would 'help her close a chapter' 🙃 if I did. I haven't replied. To be honest I've been spiralling a bit since the message. I don't know why, I'm a grown woman, married, my own house and career, my own children.

I did speak to my sister (who knew of the abuse as I'd told her years later). She basically told me not to reply and that she could bugger off. Part of me feels sorry for her, but I'm a huge empath. Anyway. This is a massive muddle of a message. What would you do?

I was bullied and I’m seriously considering home schooling for my kids after primary school has finished. Because the negative effects do last a lifetime. My husband wasn’t bullied but he agrees. Mental health is so important.

OP this has happened to me a couple of years ago. Very similar situation albeit a lot longer since it had happened and ‘my’ bully was not as physical as yours. I was surprised to hear from her via fb and did not respond straightaway. I did not forgive her!
I chose to let her know how her behaviour had affected me but told her that I had not let her ruin the rest of my life. I was cutting but not rude. Asked her not to contact me again.
I will admit that I had some small satisfaction knowing that she had felt some remorse later in life.
Only forgive her after giving it a lot of thought and only if you feel it will give you some closure. That was something I did not feel and have no regrets about this.
I am sorry you have experienced this and indeed for anyone who has experienced bullying at school or anywhere.

As others have said, I just wouldn’t bother replying - leave her hanging.You don’t owe her forgiveness, especially if it is to help her move on, unless you feel this would give you closure too. I don’t forgive any of the girls who bullied me - some of them had been in my “best friend” group at primary school then went on to bully me on the bus to secondary school. I hate them because it has affected my whole life, how I’ve made friends, how I’ve dealt with my own children having issues at school. My husband always says I would take a grudge beyond the grave and I’d say it’s true.

Personally I’d say I appreciate your message but No I can’t forgive you do not ck tact me again !!

She’s only contacted now because SHE feels bad. Because she’s been told it would help HER. She feels terrible in case it happens to HER daughter.
She is using you as a way to ease her mind, and reaching out for totally selfish reasons.
Telling you why she did something is not showing any remorse for her actions.
Please don’t let this bully continue living rent free in your head.

Personally, I would contact her saying something along the lines of “I appreciate what you’re doing and facing up to what you did. I have to say your behaviour, for which frankly there was no excuse, and certainly no provocation, ruined my teen school life. Your message sent me straight back to those days, and I don’t think I can forgive you. I don’t particularly bear you ill-will, but I don’t want any further contact.” And then block. But it’scup to you of course what you want to do - ignoring entirely etc. Good luck xx

No, I really wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of a reply. it’s good she’s working on herself but you really owe her nothing. I’d forget about her if you can now and enjoy your life, there’s really no excuse for making someone feel the way she made you feel. Sorry that happened OP x

Her therapist gave her advice to make herself feel good about herself without any consideration towards you. That maybe you aren’t ready for your childhood bully to drag up the past again.

I get your conundrum because I am also empathetic in this way and have experienced bullying. You feel it would be guilty or cruel to ignore her, but you are allowed to think about what closure looks like for you. Maybe you want to tell her more bluntly just how much she hurt you or maybe you don’t even want to speak to her. Either way, you don’t have to decide now. See how you feel and perhaps work through it with a therapist or someone as well. If you do want to reply it can be on your own time.

Block and ignore. Fuck her guilt BS. You owe her nothing OP

You could always thank her for her admission of guilt and tell her you’ll pass it on to the police….,,
seriously tho, she has no thought for your welfare and she’s seeking to abuse you again to boost her self esteem……personally I would point this out to her and point out that she has not developed any emotional intelligence during her therapy? End it with fuck off

The therapist seems to have messed up both for her client and OP, her victim.

I hope they also learn something from this upsetting incident.

So, she was evil personified towards you, made your life hell, and now she wants your forgiveness to make her feel better 🤣🤣🤣 Hell no !! I was bullied like you and I have long dreamt of meeting her to tell her I will never forgive her

I am so sorry this happened to you at school. If you do reply, for your own closure, just say to her, you owe her absolutely nothing, and if she contacts you again, you will contact the police.

Perfect response OP!! I’m proud of you! 👏👏👏

Totally agree. Totally irresponsible for the therapist to think that the bully contacting the op is appropriate to bring closure. No regard whatsoever for the ops mental health having it all dragged back up, which is triggering.

Im glad you got an apology. I cant imagine how hard it was for you. I think it sounds more like shes worried karma will bite her rather than being actually sorry.

This. You can acknowledge her intent to make amends but it’s also important to keep your boundaries and put your own self care first. The therapist has been idealistic (and thoughtless) in their suggestion. It is common therapeutic practice to write ‘a letter that is never sent’ this protects both parties whilst allowing remorse for previous actions to be expressed.

I hope you are coping ok OP, it must have been a shock and lots of history starts bubbling, if financially viable it might be worth having a few counselling sessions to work through the emotions and to recognise the young teen you were then is not the strong woman you are now. It’s important to find the voice that was silenced as a teen.

Op, you have an opportunity to speak and say what you need to in response. Lots of us dont get the chance to so if I were you (and it actually means something to you) then take your chance to say how you feel. You dont have to forgive her, but tell her how you feel.

Your reply was EPIC!
Then you blocked ☺️
Best outcome EVER.
I’m so glad this is done and dusted in a day🥂🎂❤️

I would advise you to wait before doing anything, OP. A little additional psychological terror will make her sweat, and won't do her much harm, given the pain that she inflicted on you for years on end. At the moment, you are probably back in the headspace of being that bullied teenager, now that your high school bully has invaded your space again.

You might decide against replying, in which case, I'd leave it long enough to let her know that you had seen the message (if it shows up on the platform that she contacted you on), before blocking her.

You could say, "Thank you for letting me know" (if you feel the need to acknowledge the message, but not forgive, because it's impossible in such a situation). I might add 'bitch' to the end, if I happened to be feeling vindictive that day... plus something like, "I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one who has asked for help in dealing with the aftermath of your behaviour". I'd also ask for her therapist's details, so I would know which one to avoid. While it might make her feel better to apologise to you, why on earth would it make you feel any better to know that she has found you and invaded your personal space again?

You might say, "While I hope that nobody treats your daughter like that (otherwise you might have a suicidal and/or prematurely dead child on your hands), I hope that she doesn't become the bully, either."

I had a high school bully message me to apologise through Facebook... because he had mutual friends with my brother. As soon as my brother realised who the bully was (he had an unusual name), he refused to have anything to do with him, so their friends probably pushed him into looking me up. My mother's advice was terrible: "Tell him that it's alright, and maybe ask how he's doing". My view was that it was never fine, and I didn't care how he was doing. He was one of several bullies who made my schooldays hell. I have only seen him- briefly- once, and was pleased to think that I had grown into my looks somewhat (the main thing that he picked on me for, and encouraged his siblings to do the same) and that he was the first one to avert his gaze. As far as I know, he now lives abroad, so that's one less that I never have to risk seeing again!

Either way, OP, good luck! I hope that your choice of response brings you peace and reminds her that forgiveness is not happening.

*Oops, I've just found your updates...

If "Fuck you, Gemma" is a high-school teacher in the NW, I'd like to pass on similar regards. That Gemma never grew out of her bitchy high school phase, and inflicted it on her students. It would have made my day if I'd hit her in the face with a rounders ball, but sadly, she swerved it just in time.

Love your response. I'd love the opportunity to do this to my bullies. I did write to my ringleader bully around 25 years ago to ask why she did it, so at least she'll have read how I felt. The other bullies I still see in my hometown, they're now teachers!

It sounds like her reaching out has brought it all back for you. Something you had needed to put behind you and move on from.

One of the prerequisites for this kind of "making amends" is that it doesnt do further harm to the person.

I think I'd be tempted to go back and say that whilst you recognise her intention wasn't to harm you further, you sadly aren't able to give her any kind of closure or resolution. These events harmed you and made your childhood a misery. Perhaps you could add that you're at least glad that she is in a better place now and recognises how wrong her behaviour was. But that, for you, this kind of reaching out has just brought it all back, and you'd rather she didn't contact you again. Then block her.

Absolutely no. She's not seeking you out for your benefit but for hers. She feels that if you forgive her, SHE will feel better, not you.

You don't have to be rude as you are the bigger person,.but I would keep it really breezy with something like -

Yeah sorry I can't help you with this. Please don't contact me again..

Depends if being the bigger, stronger person makes you feel better.

If it does, I’d say you bear her no
ill will as long as she looks at herself and why she’s asking you for spontaneous generosity after what she dished out to you.

Forgiveness isn’t a get out of jail free card - she needs to be sorry. And not do it again. And, sometimes, make up for it somehow.

ask her not to contact you again because you feel she needs to work on herself, not you, and good luck.