To tell my high school bully to jog on?!

[whattheheckkk]

Name changed for this one. Really random.

In high school (over 15 years ago) I was subjected to the most atrocious bullying by the same girl. I was pretty well liked overall, never really had a problem with anyone. I wasn't popular, had a little quiet friendship group.
Except this one girl. I did nothing to her, but when we were about 12 she decided she hated me, and she made my life hell. She was racist towards me, she called me fat, she poured a can of Coke into my school bag during PE. She put chewing gum in my hair. She spat on my lunch whilst I was eating it. She stole my blazer and trashed it. Told me to kill myself. She even flicked boiling hot metal from a soldering onto my hands during electronics class. Much more but you get the jist. She had a little possy of friends who all laughed.

My friends always told me to ignore her, but we were all kind of too quiet to say anything to her- she was scary tbh. I never let on to anyone, but she gave me the worst anxiety. I would rush to the toilet to vomit if she looked at me a certain way in the hallways. I'd cry myself to sleep about it. She never had a reason to hate me. I never told my parents or teachers. I don't know why, I don't really have an answer to that.

Anyway. Fast forward. She messaged me 3 days ago. Saying something along the lines of:

Hi. I know this is a really strange thing to do and I know you probably never wanted to hear from me again. But then went on to explain that she'd had a child a number of years ago and physically cannot get past the way she treated me. How she looks at her child and feels sick because of how scared and upset I must have been of her etc.. and she's terrified of someone treating her child the same way.

She then proceeded to tell me she had been in a really bad depressive pit and has sought professional therapy, where the topic of me came up. Her therapist told her reaching out to me may be a way to close a door. Which I get, kind of- but holy fucking shit- she literally nearly killed me as a teen.

There was a lot more to the message, she gave reasons for the way she treated me( bad home life apparently, which I do sympathise with) but then went on to say that of course it was no excuse. She couldn't make me forgive her and I didn't have to but it would 'help her close a chapter' 🙃 if I did. I haven't replied. To be honest I've been spiralling a bit since the message. I don't know why, I'm a grown woman, married, my own house and career, my own children.

I did speak to my sister (who knew of the abuse as I'd told her years later). She basically told me not to reply and that she could bugger off. Part of me feels sorry for her, but I'm a huge empath. Anyway. This is a massive muddle of a message. What would you do?

Yes, I do not in general think about my bully at all in day to day life. Only when its brought up in related topics like this. She made my life HELL for 4 years and then I didn't see her again and moved on with MY life.

I don't need to forgive her to be 'happy'... I AM happy. I just need her to leave me alone and never speak to me again so I don't have to relive feeling like a bullied teen again (which is not a state I live in at any other time).

whether you like it or not, the psychological research shows that forgiveness can provide real benefits to the forgiver.

Does that make it mandatory or right for everyone and every situation? No, of course not. No one has the right to demand it or expect it, and no pressure should ever be put on the victim of the wrongdoing to forgive. But in the right circumstances it can be very healing.

I trained in victim offender mediation. Its very carefully done and always victim led - nothing is done that they dont initiate, so different from here where there was a communication out of the blue.

Really, it just goes to show what a lack of insight these people have if they think their former victims give two shits about their journey of self-discovery.

I'm sorry this has happened to you too.

Your response is absolutely brilliant. Well done, that can't have been easy.

Wow she was clearly one very horrid individual and I'm sorry she put you through so much at such a young age. I couldn't help but feel sad you never spoke to your mum about it, as a Mum myself I'd hate to find out my child have gone through such awful bullying but never reached out to me. For all those saying they'd not reply, I honestly get it. However I think I'd send a really brief reply not necessarily forgiving her but just to let her know whilst she was so horrid on leaving school you've not given her another thought and moved on from that. She can come up with all the excuses she can think of for her behaviour but she had no right to treat another person as she did

I had a similar apology and request for forgiveness from someone a few years back. Not a bully exactly but something in a similar vein - life altering bad treatment. I answered with a very breezy "thanks", similar to a pp, and the person showed their true colours again by being annoyed. They obviously expected more from me. Your bully is being unreasonable and entitled, and very selfish, intruding in your life and trying rope you into making her feel better. She needs to deal with it herself, in a way that truly respects and acknowledges what you went through, rather than looking to you to let her off the hook.

But what do you mean by forgiveness? I find it a difficult concept.

Sometimes it may be possible to move on - to put what’s been done to you in perspective, to forget it most of the time and get on with your life. If victims of crime or bullying can do that, of course it’s beneficial.

I don’t understand what forgiveness actually is. I think it’s a trite and trivialising concept which people have been conditioned to feel they should acquiesce to.

I don’t believe in the idea that you should forgive everyone for everything, sing kumbaya and make daisy chains, fuck that. I was also horrendously bullied at school and frankly wouldn’t piss on any of them if they were on fire. I would reply and say something along the lines of “you made my life hell, you will never understand the damage you did to my mental wellbeing. Karma works in mysterious ways, let’s hope your innocent daughter doesn’t suffer for your actions”.

It depends on how hell bent on forgiveness the bully is.

I tried to be polite to mine. Mistake.

Told her I didn't really remember her - she'd been on the periphery of the gang that harassed me - but she kept banging on about forgiveness. I told her it was a long time ago...She kept messaging.

In the end I tried "It was 50 years ago. There's nothing to apologise for." She wouldn't let it go and I had the encounter I've described upthread which appeared to satisfy her, but was in no way a proper apology.

I've since blocked her. Unfortunately for me, the badgering has brought back the horror of that time.

I've since found out that after she stopped bullying me all that time ago, she moved on to other people. I endured nearly 3 yrs of it, but the repercussions have lasted a lifetime.

Also, I would have thought it’s healthier to hold firmly on to the idea that what happened was not YOUR fault. It wasn’t anything you did, but actually because the perpetrator was a nasty individual with serious issues of their own. You probably know more about psychology than me, but I would certainly find maintaining this belief absolutely vital in healing from the experience of bullying - that it was the bully’s fault alone.

Yes, it could help to feel superiority to them as time goes by but letting them off wouldn’t help me personally. Other people may think differently.

Good for you OP.

FUCK OFF GEMMA!

I had a bully stop me outside a cash machine and hug me and apologise, I just said thanks

Hell NO! I would ignore her or say no you don’t forgive her.
she doesn’t get off so lightly.
I saw a girl who made my life hell in school after we’d left. She was surprised as to why I didn’t say hello to her or make conversation.

I would take the opportunity to get some closure of my own tell her EXACTELY how her actions affected you and that you do not infact forgive her whatsoever. Noone can give any excuses for her behaviour.

I think your sister has the right idea. This woman chose, for whatever reason, to be absolutely horrible to you. Now she wants you to make her feel better about it. She's scared about how her child might feel if they were bullied. Tough. If there weren't people like her, it wouldn't be a problem.

As a side note, a friend was bullied this way at school. She found out recently that the bully is now dying of cancer. She's very pleased. That's how long the scars last, as you know.

You don't owe this woman anything. At all. Ever.

I was going to say, I would ask for the therapists details so you could make a complaint about this deeply damaging 'advice'.

I had a complicated ex reach out after nearly 2 decades, very vaguely, and I ended up in counselling over it. I would quite like to be able to recoup the costs from him for that, in all honesty. Very selfish behaviour.

Seeing your bully on later life as a complete loser, an unhappy and bitter person, with lots of problems is satisfying.

I was bullied all through Primary School by the popular girl in the class. On our last school outing in PS I asked her could she be nice as I wanted to enjoy the day, and she was. The following year (1st of secondary school) we became best friends. If she is reaching out to you I think as an adult you should at least talk to her. She wants to apologise, and you may even get some closure. Just my opinion.

Depends how triggering it is for you. Its certainly not up to her to see a meet as absolution / closure. I'd send a note - a face to face is too much. Say 'hope it never happens to your child.AND /or that your child ever does it to another' seems like a good way to put a full stop on it for you. I would respond though, leaving it unanswered will nag at you as much as it will her.

Agree you don’t owe her anything but if you wanted to, you could reply and tell her how her actions impacted on you as both a child and as an adult, perhaps it would help give you some closure. Then I’d block her and never look back

I would reply:
Yeah it’s awful worrying that your child is being bullied. I remember the toll it took on my parents. Don’t worry though, if it happens to your child, in 15 years the bully will random text to apologise and then all will be good.
btw your email was hilarious.

bullies don’t get to instantly feel better by a measly apology being accepted. Victims never get the chance to instantly feel better.

Exactly this, I can’t believe she thinks an apology makes this better and the idea that she’s looking for closure totally insulting. Tell her everything you’ve just said here and that you absolutely don’t forgive her.

I like your response. Dd has a couple of girls who together bullied her over a long period. I often wonder what they think now they're older. I think one of them has no conscience at all. They're damaged and it's obvious they are in hindsight. What I can't work out is why. Both have nice homes seemingly. Nice families seemingly. Things are not all they seem from the outside I guess.

Well done for coming through this with dignity and class. Well done too for telling your bully to jog on. The wording of your reply was perfect. You pretty much said what every person who survives a bully dreams of saying but never gets to. Bravo. X

Great response, you’ve taken the power back. When I read the initial message from her it still sounded all self absorbed and ‘me,me,me’. She made choices as a teen and has to live with them. Certainly not your responsibility to absolve them.
You sound amazing and I totally agree about listening to and building relationships with children so they can talk about these things.