To tell my high school bully to jog on?!

[whattheheckkk]

Name changed for this one. Really random.

In high school (over 15 years ago) I was subjected to the most atrocious bullying by the same girl. I was pretty well liked overall, never really had a problem with anyone. I wasn't popular, had a little quiet friendship group.
Except this one girl. I did nothing to her, but when we were about 12 she decided she hated me, and she made my life hell. She was racist towards me, she called me fat, she poured a can of Coke into my school bag during PE. She put chewing gum in my hair. She spat on my lunch whilst I was eating it. She stole my blazer and trashed it. Told me to kill myself. She even flicked boiling hot metal from a soldering onto my hands during electronics class. Much more but you get the jist. She had a little possy of friends who all laughed.

My friends always told me to ignore her, but we were all kind of too quiet to say anything to her- she was scary tbh. I never let on to anyone, but she gave me the worst anxiety. I would rush to the toilet to vomit if she looked at me a certain way in the hallways. I'd cry myself to sleep about it. She never had a reason to hate me. I never told my parents or teachers. I don't know why, I don't really have an answer to that.

Anyway. Fast forward. She messaged me 3 days ago. Saying something along the lines of:

Hi. I know this is a really strange thing to do and I know you probably never wanted to hear from me again. But then went on to explain that she'd had a child a number of years ago and physically cannot get past the way she treated me. How she looks at her child and feels sick because of how scared and upset I must have been of her etc.. and she's terrified of someone treating her child the same way.

She then proceeded to tell me she had been in a really bad depressive pit and has sought professional therapy, where the topic of me came up. Her therapist told her reaching out to me may be a way to close a door. Which I get, kind of- but holy fucking shit- she literally nearly killed me as a teen.

There was a lot more to the message, she gave reasons for the way she treated me( bad home life apparently, which I do sympathise with) but then went on to say that of course it was no excuse. She couldn't make me forgive her and I didn't have to but it would 'help her close a chapter' 🙃 if I did. I haven't replied. To be honest I've been spiralling a bit since the message. I don't know why, I'm a grown woman, married, my own house and career, my own children.

I did speak to my sister (who knew of the abuse as I'd told her years later). She basically told me not to reply and that she could bugger off. Part of me feels sorry for her, but I'm a huge empath. Anyway. This is a massive muddle of a message. What would you do?

What a horrible therapist to encourage her to disrupt your peace.

Sorry she has stirred this up again. Instances are one thing but the campaign of abuse from her was a disgusting read and I felt awful for you.

Sending best wishes your way, I hope you can set it aside and would suggest you don’t enter into a dialogue with her. Her actions are not your burden to bear, you don’t owe her anything.

I would use the situation for my own healing. She has a therapist to help her deal with it, so I would let her have it, no holds barred, all she put you through. Don't discuss her feelings, make it entirely about your own reactions and all you went through, page after page. Get it all out of your system.

How has it left you today? Are you still traumatised or have you become stronger for having to overcome it? Get all of it out. Let her pay for your therapy.

Stop when you've had enough. Leave the door open for a second installment, because this may stir up more shit for you.

As for forgiveness, you have no obligation. If it happens, it may be a long way down the road. It is not your responsibility. For myself, I have handed over forgiveness of certain people to God to deal with, and I have let go of it all. That works for me.

Make this entirely an opportunity for your own healing. Her therapist set this up - let her take responsibility for how your words affect her.

I would be tempted to write down in excruciating detail every vile thing she did and send that to her.

Fully agree. She is not the centre of your world.

But you’ve got no right to spout off about “carrying grudges” you as the bully have no comprehension of how your victim/s felt and continue to feel.

How dare you try and belittle their totally valid feelings!

Sorry, just caught up and realise I'm out of date.

Yes of course people CAN change....

But forgiveness is in the survivor's gift... She doesn't have to give it... Bullying like that leaves deep wounds... It sounds as this girl made her life hell for years (I had similar...).

No way would I 'forgive' my bullies... (I was tortured on a daily basis by this girl and some of her friends simply because I was clever). They weren't.

It is behind me... In fact I bumped into her pal some weeks ago... We had a pleasant but very superficial convo.

I've moved on, but like hell would I release them in any way for any guilt they felt, unless they did something massive in reparation...

A 'sorry' would not do it for me... Several years working on an anti bullying helpline may😁... But 5 years of abuse... And a 2 paragraph apology... NOPE!

'You can escape from everything except the consequences of what you do'.

And unfortunately the consequences of Gemma's behaviour are that she now has to live with her conscience. A person with the slightest modicum of insight or decency would recognise that she was probably the last person OP ever wanted to hear from again. If she'd had half an ounce of empathy she would have considered the awful memories and retraumatising it might trigger in her victim. She didn't. That tells OP everything she needs to know about her.

There's a reason those two old cliches 'the better part of valour is discretion' and 'let sleeping dogs lie' have become so well worn. Personally I wouldn't have graced this horror with the energy of a response at all. As for those rebuking the OP for the tone of her 'and the horse you rode in on' response, this is very small stuff compared with the years of trauma inflicted. Really, what on earth did the woman expect?

Since you did respond, OP, I hope you feel a hell of a lot better and can now hit the 'delete' button on this painful past forever.

She's not given the bully any closure. She's given her a big fat get stuffed.

She wants forgiveness for her own peace of mind, not to make up for what she did to you. This is still all about her .

Id reply with “What you did was unforgivable and so I don’t forgive you.”

I read your first post and your response to her message out loud to my children. We thought it was brilliant. I hope that it brings you peace. Thank you for sharing your story.

Well done OP. It takes a lot to stand up to someone that made you feel like that, even years later. I hope she carries that guilt and instead of seeking forgiveness from you, does enough good in the world to forgive herself, though it'd take a lot!

Wow! Go you! That’s brave

what a wonderful opportunity! Well done for not passing that up

Good for you ! I really hope this can give you some peace, she clearly can’t handle the truth, but tough, she has to remember things come back and bite you on the arse sometimes ! I’d love to be a fly on the wall in her next therapy session!! 😋

Agreed. And I for one am sick to the back teeth of the #BeKind message constantly thrust at women. No wonder we are so socially-conditioned to put ourselves last.

'Forgiveness' can get in the bin as well. Contrary to the message given out by those who advocate this batshittery, this is not a necessary step to finding peace of mind. The ideal headspace is one in which these past inadequates take up no space whatsoever.

Victims of atrocious behaviour, abuse, rape, violence and mental torment are under no obligation whatsoever to 'forgive', and certainly not to assist their tormentors in their later journey of self-discovery. Their past choices fall firmly into the category of 'another fucker's shit'. And whilst there are bullies and sadists out there who likely don't regret what they did to another human being for an instant, that is all-too unfortunate for the unlovely Gemma.

She's made her bed and now has to lie in it.

Im a big believer in forgiveness. Not just for the the person being forgiveness but for the person foingvthe forgiving. It a way to move past and release yourself from past wrongs. Those horrible feeling called up inside released and moved on from.
I you do contact her lay it all out what and how she made you feel Everything you wrote here. Then flip the script to tell her all the good things in your life. And move on. Even if you dont say I forgive you but a vague its all in the past.
From a psychology stand point teenage brains aren't fully formed and they lack the empathy for others, which is why bullying ramps ul during those gitmstive years, also bullies are generally the victim of some firm of neglect or abuse themselves and use others as an outletbofvyheir frustration.

Please, please ignore her, you dont owe her anything!! Block her as well please. You deserved to not have your high school ruined by a scumbag like that, let her wollow in her own guilt and misery! Xx

An absolute NO. It's due to people like her this world is in a vicious circle of abuse and she'll see it happening to her own child.

If she really feels sorry for abusing and traumatising you, her life choices will reflect this. Maybe she'll become the Greta Thunburg of anti bullying.

I would reply ‘please make sure your child doesn’t grow up to be like you at that age’

Op quite rightly handed her her arse on a plate! Wrll
done OP. OP also feels a lot of relief for doing it!

Do you know how to filter and read OPs posts?

Ignore and block. She doesn’t even deserve a fuck off. Leave her to her own devices. She doesnt get to come and ask for forgiveness because it’s something she needs now. Screw that.

I had the same except I saw her in person, I was heavily pregnant and she cornered me while reeling of the 'sorry Im a better person now' speil... I think I just responded 'ok' (I mean really what am I meant to say to the woman who made my life hell) and honestly I was just in flight mode and desperate to get away from her (note to anyone trying to 'make ammends'... DON'T corner a pregnant woman you regularly physically abused).

At the end of the day they don't actually give a crap about you or me, they are trying to make themselves feel better and its not the victims job to make the abuser happy. Guilt is their own punishment. Really them dragging all this shit back up and making you relive all the bad stuff you moved passed is just another form of abuse.

No, no, no, no, no.

Forgiveness is vastly overrated. I hate this attitude - putting pressure on someone who’s done nothing wrong and has suffered probably life-long damage due to this psychopathic woman, to just let her off the hook.

Moving on, putting it behind you etc is good and healthy for OP. She doesn’t need to do anything else.

i was not impressed to hear the ex- husband of the mushroom poisoner Erin Paterson saying he had forgiven her (for trying to kill him more than once and successfully killing his parents and aunt).

I think I would reply that you can't forgive her for her appalling behaviour and probably never will, because it was too unpleasant. You are glad that she realises how awful it was, of course, but her main task now is to make sure her daughter doesn't turn into a bully too...

Be selfish. Do what feels right for you. If you want to ignore her- then ignore her and feel zero guilt for it.

i do think it’s good she feels guilt- many bullies normally continue to bully as adults too. (I’m looking at you , office bullies)