To tell my high school bully to jog on?!

[whattheheckkk]

Name changed for this one. Really random.

In high school (over 15 years ago) I was subjected to the most atrocious bullying by the same girl. I was pretty well liked overall, never really had a problem with anyone. I wasn't popular, had a little quiet friendship group.
Except this one girl. I did nothing to her, but when we were about 12 she decided she hated me, and she made my life hell. She was racist towards me, she called me fat, she poured a can of Coke into my school bag during PE. She put chewing gum in my hair. She spat on my lunch whilst I was eating it. She stole my blazer and trashed it. Told me to kill myself. She even flicked boiling hot metal from a soldering onto my hands during electronics class. Much more but you get the jist. She had a little possy of friends who all laughed.

My friends always told me to ignore her, but we were all kind of too quiet to say anything to her- she was scary tbh. I never let on to anyone, but she gave me the worst anxiety. I would rush to the toilet to vomit if she looked at me a certain way in the hallways. I'd cry myself to sleep about it. She never had a reason to hate me. I never told my parents or teachers. I don't know why, I don't really have an answer to that.

Anyway. Fast forward. She messaged me 3 days ago. Saying something along the lines of:

Hi. I know this is a really strange thing to do and I know you probably never wanted to hear from me again. But then went on to explain that she'd had a child a number of years ago and physically cannot get past the way she treated me. How she looks at her child and feels sick because of how scared and upset I must have been of her etc.. and she's terrified of someone treating her child the same way.

She then proceeded to tell me she had been in a really bad depressive pit and has sought professional therapy, where the topic of me came up. Her therapist told her reaching out to me may be a way to close a door. Which I get, kind of- but holy fucking shit- she literally nearly killed me as a teen.

There was a lot more to the message, she gave reasons for the way she treated me( bad home life apparently, which I do sympathise with) but then went on to say that of course it was no excuse. She couldn't make me forgive her and I didn't have to but it would 'help her close a chapter' 🙃 if I did. I haven't replied. To be honest I've been spiralling a bit since the message. I don't know why, I'm a grown woman, married, my own house and career, my own children.

I did speak to my sister (who knew of the abuse as I'd told her years later). She basically told me not to reply and that she could bugger off. Part of me feels sorry for her, but I'm a huge empath. Anyway. This is a massive muddle of a message. What would you do?

This.
I just blocked my high school bully without saying anything, but I wouldn't blame anyone for telling their bully to fuck off.

You are correct OP this is all about making her feel better.

Oh OP I feel for you so badly. You don’t owe her anything at all. Why should you do her a favour by forgiving her to boost her own self esteem?

I was bullied horrifically at university by a couple who are now married. He was the university welfare officer at the time, so nobody believed me. She is now a primary school teacher. They have their own children. I still have nightmares about what they did to me 30 years on. Occasionally I wonder if they ever think of me, or what their colleagues in counselling/primary education would make of what they did, or if their children are bullied (I sincerely hope they are not). If I saw them again I have no idea what I’d say to them. Frankly they can fuck off to the back end of Nether Fuckington.

Do whatever makes you feel the best.

If it's blocking and ignoring, do it.
If it's calling her a raging cunt, then do that as well.

If it were me... "Hi Girl, I find it bizarre that you've messaged me to be honest. You were an absolutely cunt to me at school, and while that was a long time ago, and I've had a really happy, fulfilling life since then, I don't feel in any way compelled to forgive you. I wish you no ill intent, but if you could get fucked, that would be great.
Yours, OP.
ps: take this back to your therapist."

I’d be inclined to tell her just how much her behaviour affected you and give examples. She was a child and her home life might be some explanation but it doesn’t lessen the reality of the pain she caused you. Do you think it might help you, to better understand why she did what she did? Given how much of an impact this had on teenage you I’d also consider talking to a therapist to decide what to do.

I wouldn't reply at all, and would block her from any social media etc. As many pp have said, her 'apology' seems entirely self centred. She's not saying she is sorry for what you went through or showing any desire to make things better for you. Instead she's making excuses (even if she says they are not excuses) and focussing on how she feels about this. She's made it very clear that her only interest is making herself feel better. Having dealt with people a bit like this in the past, I think if you respond but don't give her the answer she's looking for she could well become unpleasant. So I think the best thing for you is to not reply and block her from making any contact with you.

Really feel for you having all this highlighted must be nasty.
I had an apology from my Father last yr about something that happened when I was 9 (59 yrs later!). Frankly, it left me cold, or worse, because he added in his excuses for why it happened. I got ZERO from the convo, & it certainly didn’t give me back what I completely missed out on from the later yrs of my youth.

So I personally would block all possible contact from this vile bully.

I hope you can feel better about this very soon, sending hugs & keeping you in my thoughts.

Loool I would tell her to fuck off and that she genuinely deserves to suffer for the rest of her life but I’m a horrible person. Everyone who’s bullied me can eat shit and die for all I care.

I was bullied at school. Nothing like the op experienced but it still affects me and I am in my 50s. The main one was a friend and for stupid reasons would decide to not be my friend and bullied me. Things would then settle and I would be so grateful the bullying stopped that we became friends again, over and over again. As a result I am a real people pleaser to my own detriment. In my 30s I deleted her off my Facebook and anyone else that got involved in the bullying.

You don’t owe her anything. Reply or not, whatever would make you feel better best. I totally get that as kids we make stupid decisions and do things the adult us would never do but the level of bullying you experienced @whattheheckkk is extreme and she is only contacting you to make herself feel better.

I can’t believe people are advising you to tell her how much her bullying affected you. Please OP, do not do this. You have no idea if she has truly changed and it’s more than likely that she hasn’t actually. Ignoring or telling her in no uncertain terms to bugger off should be the only options you are entertaining. This is a dangerous person and you owe her nothing. Keep her well away and do not reveal anything of yourself to her.

Well - you deserve a laugh now and then! I'm quite a forgiving sort but i think this one crossed the line with you, yes we get bigger and older but there are some things not easy to undo - she wrecked the prime time of your life..

She’s doing it for herself to “absolve” herself, she’s not doing it for your benefit. She can fuck off.

im sorry you went through this OP ❤️

I had a very similar situation
The worst of my school bullies' partner messaged me
I told her there was no forgiveness possible from me for his vile behaviour, and not to contact me again (and blocked her)
She emailed me and said that's the answer she's had from everyone she contacted, and now he spends all day in bed crying, just one person accepting his apology would help
I replied the apology was over forty years late, and if he spent the next forty years in bed crying, I would feel no sympathy for him
And blocked her again
About two years later she messaged me AGAIN (from a new phone number) saying that because of me and people like me, he had tried to kill himself and she hoped I was happy
I replied that because of him, and people like him, one of my classmates HAD killed himself, did he tell her that? Was he happy about that?
Never heard another word

The important thing here is what would make YOU feel better? Accepting the apology, or telling her to get lost, or something in between?

You owe her nothing, but you owe yourself everything

Do what makes YOU feel better, regardless of what makes her feel better

This. I haven't told my bully that I nearly had plastic surgery. I have no intention of empowering her.

I was bullied a lot at school. Honestly if one of mine reached out in that way I would make it abundantly clear how much they ruined my teenage years and my life since then, and tell them to fuck right off and I hope they one day understand how awful it can feel.

Maybe I'm petty, but I think thats all they deserve

I was badly bullied by a group of girls. I saw one of them over twenty years later in a supermarket in the town where the bullying happened, so I assume she must be still local. I don't usually shop in this supermarket. She had however with her two young girls, primary school age. Whenever I realised who it was I couldn't get out of there fast enough. It just brought horrible thoughts and memories back. If she recognised me, there was no acknowledgement. I don't know what I would have done if she did and I am not confrontational.

It just made me think, the bitchiness, the dirty looks, the unkind words, the being excluded, how would you feel if that was one of your Daughters. Do you ever think of me and the effect that had on me? Thankfully the other three I have never seen since or hope to see again. I keep a low profile on social media, don't post photos of me or my family and have now married so have different name so would hopefully be difficult to identify.

In your situation I would ignore and not give them the satisfaction of a response.

I had a similar incident OP.
I agonised over what to reply. Should I let them know how much they really hurt me? That it affects me 20 years later? That I almost had a panic attack looking round DD’s new school because it reminded me of mine?
In the end I just replied with ‘please leave me alone’ and blocked them.
They are not deserving of my head space. They apologised in order for them to feel better, not me. They wanted to excuse what they did, I decided there was no way excuse. Some things cannot be undone or amended anyway.

I think I would just ignore her. Engaging in a conversation with her will just bring back difficult memories for you (almost like living through that time again), and you don't deserve that. As others have said, the apology seems to be all about her. With no response, she is let wondering what you are thinking / whether you have even read the message etc. It gives her nothing to pick through with her therapist either, and she'll have to find some other way to move on.

Very sorry you went though all this. School can be such a harsh place, and being bullied like that is appalling.

She wrote the letter to make herself feel better, close that page etc….

Fine.

Now answer in the way that you feel better.
If it’s to tell her to fuck off then do so.
If it’s to remind her how awful she was, how much she affected you agd how would she feel if her dd was going through that? And no you’ll never forgive her, then so be it.
If completely ignoring her is what works then go for it.

You mention that you tend to forgive, you’re am empath etc…
As someone who has been told the same, never wanted to see the bad in people, ‘be kind’ etc… please stop.
Theres a fine line between being kind and compassionate and being a doormat. Bring kind doesn’t mean smoothing iver things all the time and not making a fuss. Being kind can also mean telling a few truths to people both to protect yourself (ie bring kind towards YOURSELF) and to allow the other person to grow.
You don’t have to forgive her. You don’t even have to be kind. You need to act in away that protects your own values and your integrity.

"[Bully's name],

I did not expect to hear from you after all this time. I hope that reflecting now on the worst ways you have treated people helps you to think carefully about your actions and the consequences going forwards.
The impact of how you treated me was much further reaching than the time it took you to flick hot metal at me or use racist words. It affected my sense of self-worth and my trust in others and continues to do so, and that cannot be undone.
People can change and I do hope none of our children or any child is ever subjected to what I was subjected to. The best thing you can do to show that you truly regret it is to have changed and to bring up your own children to defend others instead of being the bullies. I hope you do so. For me, this is goodbye."

I was bullied at school years ago, and have never come across them since. I wouldn't want to know them now, and wouldn't respond to them if they messaged me. You do right to ignore her now.

I know it's not the done thing to correct spelling and I'm not bullying you but you've said where loads of times when you mean were. It just jarred and hurt my eyes when I read it, sorry not being mean! Autocorrect is a bugger!

Your story really illustrated 🐆 don't change their spots. There's something really sick about this woman, and as her family were exactly the same like you said she sees it as normal. I hate people like that.

I wish more colleagues in the workplace had the integrity you and your colleagues showed. A lot of people keep their heads down out of fear.

Having been told as a child, "say sorry" immediately on doing something bad and "now forgive them" immediately after receiving an apology, it took me some time to understand how and, more importantly, if I should forgive someone.

I came up with a three point process as follows, which I hope helps you. If not, feel free to ignore it.

1. It's ok to be angry and hurt and to sit with that until you are ready to deal with it. You don't have to do anything until you are ready.

1. The golden rule - treat others as you would wish to be treated in the same situation. We often leave the bit in italics out and think we have to be lovely to everyone all the time.

No, we don't.

The golden rule means we can treat the other person in the way we would expect to be treated if we had done those things.

In this case you might expect silence, you might expect vitriol, or you might expect kindness or something else completely.

What matters is how you would expect her to respond to you if you were reaching out as the bully. So if your answer is she might not respond, then it's perfectly acceptable to not respond to her. If your answer is you would want her to tell you how bad it was for you, then you can reply with the effect it had on you back then and is having on you now, that is also acceptable.
And if your answer is you would expect her to be kind and forgive you, then do that. But it's all about what you would expect from her if the situation were reversed.

1. Finally be true to yourself. If your response to the golden rule doesn't make you feel better, then choose a different response. For example, you might expect someone you bullied to reply with fury at your audacity to ask, and you might want to reply to her in that way. But if that makes you feel bad about yourself, then it's not helpful.

The solution should be something that results in a lot of self-respect at your response and compassion for what you endured and how it affects you today. It shouldn't be something that you feel ashamed of doing.

I hope that however you respond that it is resolved for you and you feel you have been able to reclaim something worthwhile for yourself.
Sending hugs.

I'd go with this. Bullies have no idea of the ramifications their actions can have on the life of others.
A simple "I appreciate you trying to make amends but unfortunately I don't think you realise the impact your actions had on my life and well being. Your guilty conscience is not my problem to resolve. I sincerely hope your child never has to endure what I did" is sufficient.

And block.

I would block her and never give her any head space again. It all happened a lot time ago and you say more by ignoring it than any words could express about her behaviour. It is between her and her therapist to help her get over it by perhaps volunteering or taking up hiking or whatever. Not your circus, not your monkeys.