To tell my high school bully to jog on?!

[whattheheckkk]

Name changed for this one. Really random.

In high school (over 15 years ago) I was subjected to the most atrocious bullying by the same girl. I was pretty well liked overall, never really had a problem with anyone. I wasn't popular, had a little quiet friendship group.
Except this one girl. I did nothing to her, but when we were about 12 she decided she hated me, and she made my life hell. She was racist towards me, she called me fat, she poured a can of Coke into my school bag during PE. She put chewing gum in my hair. She spat on my lunch whilst I was eating it. She stole my blazer and trashed it. Told me to kill myself. She even flicked boiling hot metal from a soldering onto my hands during electronics class. Much more but you get the jist. She had a little possy of friends who all laughed.

My friends always told me to ignore her, but we were all kind of too quiet to say anything to her- she was scary tbh. I never let on to anyone, but she gave me the worst anxiety. I would rush to the toilet to vomit if she looked at me a certain way in the hallways. I'd cry myself to sleep about it. She never had a reason to hate me. I never told my parents or teachers. I don't know why, I don't really have an answer to that.

Anyway. Fast forward. She messaged me 3 days ago. Saying something along the lines of:

Hi. I know this is a really strange thing to do and I know you probably never wanted to hear from me again. But then went on to explain that she'd had a child a number of years ago and physically cannot get past the way she treated me. How she looks at her child and feels sick because of how scared and upset I must have been of her etc.. and she's terrified of someone treating her child the same way.

She then proceeded to tell me she had been in a really bad depressive pit and has sought professional therapy, where the topic of me came up. Her therapist told her reaching out to me may be a way to close a door. Which I get, kind of- but holy fucking shit- she literally nearly killed me as a teen.

There was a lot more to the message, she gave reasons for the way she treated me( bad home life apparently, which I do sympathise with) but then went on to say that of course it was no excuse. She couldn't make me forgive her and I didn't have to but it would 'help her close a chapter' 🙃 if I did. I haven't replied. To be honest I've been spiralling a bit since the message. I don't know why, I'm a grown woman, married, my own house and career, my own children.

I did speak to my sister (who knew of the abuse as I'd told her years later). She basically told me not to reply and that she could bugger off. Part of me feels sorry for her, but I'm a huge empath. Anyway. This is a massive muddle of a message. What would you do?

Just block.

Don't let her take anymore of your head space. Shes not bothered about you. She's only bothered about herself.

You don't know shes changed. But starting a conversation to appease her you are the one who will get hurt in the process.

You owe her nothing.

“I’m sorry, I think you’ve got the wrong person but oh my goodness it sounds like you were a proper bitch/cunt insert word of choice here. I hate you and it wasn’t even me that you did that to. Hope your child never has to go through that, or worse, become that”

Honestly, I'd message her back and whilst you appreciate her reaching out to apologise, tell her she genuinely made your life a living hell and you cannot forgive and forget, even after all this time to make her feel better.

The bloody cheek!

There's never any excuse to bully someone, using the excuse that they were having a rough time themself is just that an excuse, and a very poor one.

I'd either reply and just say "I remember it well, you should feel incredibly
ashamed of yourself"
Or
Totally ignore her and not reply.

She's only doing this to rid the burden so there's no way, all these years later I'd give her the satisfaction of knowing how bad she made me feel.

Truth is she probably doesn't give two shits about your feelings, and if she is seeing a therapist is only doing it so she can tick off something the therapist has told her to do.

Shove all thoughts of her back in the past where she belongs and give her no more room in your head space.

'I hope you can sort through your issues, but I have no desire to be part of it.'
That's what I'd say to the folk who bullied me at school.

Would it help you to move on as well and close the door on it, if you could talk to her?

My brother's bully apologised to him years later and it did mean a lot to him. They get on ok now. The bully was being bullied himself by his stepfather and then went to primary school and took it out on those younger than him. He could only see this and deal with it, when he became an adult and a dad himself.

It took a lot for him to reach out, and a lot for my brother to accept it, but it helped both him and my brother to put it all behind them once and for all.

I'd reply listing all the ways it really affected you and the pain and fear you felt because of it and how its affected your life since. She doesn't get closure without accepting the affect of her actions I'm afraid. That way, it might give you some closure.

I'm sorry you went through this. I was also bullied at school, albeit in a much lower level way, and I wouldn't want to receive a message like this.
I'd be inclined to reply with something like 'I have no idea why you and your therapist feel that it's appropriate to involve me in whatever difficult feelings you have about your past behaviour. While I might have been receptive to an unequivocal apology, with no excuses or demands, that's not what I received. Your message was entirely about you and what you want from me. You have a therapist who is being paid to help you with your problems. I have no interest in being their unpaid assistant. Do not contact me again, and please tell your therapist that I suggest they think very hard in future before recommending that one of their clients push their way into the life of one of their former victims.'

I had a similar experience and I would tell her to go fuck herself and hope she rots in hell for what she did to you.

No. It’s all about her, not you.

You win the internet today 🤣

Another vote for this,

You do not need to do anything OP.

what a grade A loser. I would write to her and say 'I don't forgive you. Never contact me again'. then block.

There is quite a bit of evidence about the benefits of forgiveness on the person who does it. And victim offender mediation also shows real benefits for the victim. So, it’s possible the therapist was referencing this, but I doubt they would have suggested contact.

Certain things need to be in place for this to happen. As others have said, ‘making amends’ is a step in 12 step programmes. I am not a fan of them and this step in particular is a problem- not because of the idea itself, but because usually when I have seen it in action, it’s been done with all the attention on the perpetrators needs and no real thought about how it might land for the victim. It seems like that’s a factor here although, to be honest, it’s hard to assess tone from written communication and she may be more sincere than she sounds. Plenty of people can only really understand how things feel for others when it happens to them.

OP - the best advice at the moment is to take your time - there is no deadline for you to do anything. You are in control here and you have your adult faculties at your disposal. The contact probably woke up the feelings of helplessness you had then, so taking a deep breath and reminding yourself of where you are now will help. Whatever you decide, I wish you peace.

This ^^ is the PERFECT response, and what I would send. I was going to construct a reply for you, but this one says everything I would want to say.

What is really appalling is that the bullying was not stopped in school, for anyone who has given an example of it.

Block the bitch without a single word or a second thought.

We had something similar at work not so long back

Bully started and a lot of my younger colleagues where worried and frightened as she is a nasty piece of work

(Some of my younger colleagues had been at school with her and had taken her mental torture as well as physical and for some reason,the school kissed the bullies arse)

We older ones told them that if she started,we'd stand up to her (the restaurant is open 24/7,so we do shifts,so at least a handful of us would be around)

Bully was very quiet for the first few weeks until she got her feet under the table and then it started

We all stood up to her and she didn't like it so got more sly with her bullying-i took some of it and laughed in her face (she claimed i was bullying her for not doing most of her work)

She saw we where all standing against her bullying ways and didn't like it so tried to get much more sly but us older ladies had told the younger ones to let us know what was happening-bullies thrive in darkness and we where dragging it into the light

It all came to a head when bully went on a night out with a group of people who didn't want her there but she was the friend of a friend of a friend and ended up going

Somehow,she ended up alone with a really shy lad from work and for reasons best known to himself,he tried to kiss her

She immediately went running to the police,claiming rape as she had a boyfriend (all she had to do is say 'no' and that would have been the end of that)

The poor lad tried to quit work and hide away-he was horrified and ashamed

We all made it clear we where behind him and supported him in his return to work

Her case was slung out almost immediately as they where in full view of cctv and this proved he was telling the truth

She threw the biggest tantrum ever and quit,stating her therapist had told her to and that she'd be better off on benefits

She is now working a few streets away and is still up to her old tricks and finding that the real world is not kissing her arse like school did

Her parents are exactly the same so it's not hard to find out where she gets it from

What would make YOU feel better? That´s what´s important. It´s not about her. If forgiving her makes YOU feel better, do it. If telling to jog on does, do that. You are the one in control, even though it doesn´t feel that way.

I would respond. You don't owe her anything but I think I would find it therapeutic to engage with her.

When I’ve received messages I didn’t feel warranted a further engagement I have responded with “noted”. Eg they know ,for certain, I received the message (I want them to know I’ve read and ignored it) it is the text version of a very awkward silence

This. It just underlines how she and all bullies, CHOOSE to make a particular person’s life absolute hell. (Yet not everyone who has a hard home life chooses to behave that way). She destroyed your happiness to feel better about herself and now wants to make you help her feel better about herself again, just in a different way. Fuck her. Just leave it and get on with your life, and if it’s still annoying you in say, 6 months, then think about replying as you’ll have had time to consider what you might want to say that’s good for YOU. You’re not obliged or on a deadline to help her absolve her guilt.

Either ignore or tell her to fuck off

I'm obviously in the minority, but part of me thinks 'good for her' for recognising how vile her behaviour was. And maybe she's doing this in a clumsy way, and maybe it's feeling a bit like she's trying to make herself better... But she is apologising and I do think that facing up to being a bullying bitch in your past is actually brave.

Her behaviour was appalling, but can we all honestly say we behaved perfectly throughout our adolescence? I know I was nasty to people at times - 1 in particular, I'm pretty sure I was a bully towards... nowhere near as extreme as your situation, and it was stopped by an adult, but as a parent now myself I'd be horrified if someone was unkind to my own children in that way.

So personally I would respond. By all means be as honest, or as curt as you like, but an acknowledgement of what she's said to you feels right. You don't have to completely absolve her of blame, but I don't think she's expecting that.

FWIW, I regret engaging with the person who contacted me. Her only interest was receiving forgiveness "if [she] did anything to hurt [me]" and I now realise that she contacted others in a similar manner.

Hearing from her simply brought back bad memories and tarnished what should have been a positive experience (my school reunion).

My last beating at school was so traumatic that I can only recall the prequel and the aftermath. The name calling was so bad that I nearly had plastic surgery. After being contacted by one of my bullies, I began to think that maybe I should have had the surgery after all.

It took me years to get over it and now it's all come flooding back. Engaging with the woman who contacted me was a huge mistake.