To tell my high school bully to jog on?!

[whattheheckkk]

Name changed for this one. Really random.

In high school (over 15 years ago) I was subjected to the most atrocious bullying by the same girl. I was pretty well liked overall, never really had a problem with anyone. I wasn't popular, had a little quiet friendship group.
Except this one girl. I did nothing to her, but when we were about 12 she decided she hated me, and she made my life hell. She was racist towards me, she called me fat, she poured a can of Coke into my school bag during PE. She put chewing gum in my hair. She spat on my lunch whilst I was eating it. She stole my blazer and trashed it. Told me to kill myself. She even flicked boiling hot metal from a soldering onto my hands during electronics class. Much more but you get the jist. She had a little possy of friends who all laughed.

My friends always told me to ignore her, but we were all kind of too quiet to say anything to her- she was scary tbh. I never let on to anyone, but she gave me the worst anxiety. I would rush to the toilet to vomit if she looked at me a certain way in the hallways. I'd cry myself to sleep about it. She never had a reason to hate me. I never told my parents or teachers. I don't know why, I don't really have an answer to that.

Anyway. Fast forward. She messaged me 3 days ago. Saying something along the lines of:

Hi. I know this is a really strange thing to do and I know you probably never wanted to hear from me again. But then went on to explain that she'd had a child a number of years ago and physically cannot get past the way she treated me. How she looks at her child and feels sick because of how scared and upset I must have been of her etc.. and she's terrified of someone treating her child the same way.

She then proceeded to tell me she had been in a really bad depressive pit and has sought professional therapy, where the topic of me came up. Her therapist told her reaching out to me may be a way to close a door. Which I get, kind of- but holy fucking shit- she literally nearly killed me as a teen.

There was a lot more to the message, she gave reasons for the way she treated me( bad home life apparently, which I do sympathise with) but then went on to say that of course it was no excuse. She couldn't make me forgive her and I didn't have to but it would 'help her close a chapter' 🙃 if I did. I haven't replied. To be honest I've been spiralling a bit since the message. I don't know why, I'm a grown woman, married, my own house and career, my own children.

I did speak to my sister (who knew of the abuse as I'd told her years later). She basically told me not to reply and that she could bugger off. Part of me feels sorry for her, but I'm a huge empath. Anyway. This is a massive muddle of a message. What would you do?

@MyrtleLion Halleluia for your post.

I'd just reply to the mean girl with a YouTube clip of the Bros song, you all know which one I mean, and block her.

OP the police should have been involved with the dangerous behaviour this little rat showed.

Another vote here for ignore. Block and forget it. Hopefully, the fact she is in such pain about her behaviour is enough for you to let go and move on from what happened. BUT — She doesn't need your forgiveness; she needs to forgive herself. As you said, her apology is self-absorbed and self-serving; she still doesn't care about you. If you reply, you are giving her the attention and validation she so desperately craves, and opening up an old wound for yourself. The worst-case scenario is that it somehow triggers her to hurt you again in one way or another. No. You don't deserve that. I think this is a good example of how 'hurt people hurt people' - but fuck her, really. Her pain is hers to deal with; she doesn't get to have you as an emotional nurse because she caused your pain when you were kids.

So, I did reply about 30 mins ago. It's been looming over me and making me feel physically sick. I wanted to just block and move on but i was scared the sinking feeling in my stomach wouldn't go if i did that.. I wanted to be the bigger person and my reply wasn't overly nasty, just facts. But I thought, this is my opportunity to stand up to her. If not for present me, for past teenage me.

I wrote:

" Since high school, I have never met anyone like you. As unkind as you or as vicious as you. Which made me realise that I was never the problem. It was all you and nothing you've said justifies the abuse you inflicted on me. And see, wanting to close this chapter sounds like another YOU problem. I won't be providing you with a shred of dignity or reassurance that what you did to me was okay.

I'd say I hope you find peace and heal but I honestly couldn't give a shit. Hopefully no one ever tortures your child the way you tortured me, but if they ever do- only then will you realise how evil what you did to me was.

Contact me again and I'll ring the police. I'm a grown woman now and you don't scare me. And get a new therapist because prompting you to contact me was a bad move."

It felt liberating tbh and I feel years lighter. I didn't add this bit on but if you're reading this, fuck you Gemma. ✌🏼

glad you closed the chapter Op. she deserves the worst

Now she's blocked. Hopefully she gets the message.

On the plus side, I feel like the chapter is closed for me. And I hope it's still wide open for her.

I'm so proud of you!!! ❤️❤️❤️

Well done. She deserved that. Glad you feel better.

Good for you OP. I hope she brings her child up to be nicer than she was.

"You're not sorry, you want to make yourself feel better. Clearly you have learnt nothing from therapy.

I sincerely hope your child never has to live in fear of their life like I was because of you."

Then block and delete personally.

Horrendous advice from the therapist about opening lines of communication to the person they bullied/abused. What if that person is undergoing therapy themselves? Or is in a low point of their lives and seeing an inbox message from the person who made their lives hell tips them over the edge? Or simply does not want to have to go through the memories and have to try and process it again after years of surpressing it?

Eta; just seen your reply. Well done, my love!

@whattheheckkk

Hmmmm I genuinely don't think that was a good idea to send that, (your response to the bully from 11.22 today,) and I would not have done it. As I said a few times (and others did too,) this will give her ammunition, and a reason to goad and bully you further. She may printscreen it, and use it against you by posting it on her social media.

I am glad this has made you feel better, launching this on her, (and she did NOT deserve a nice response,) but I do hope I am wrong about her turning nasty, and using it against you. I think that no response - and blocking her would have been better. But I am glad you feel better after that. Hopefully you hear nothing else.

This is such a good reply.

Its not a nice message from her, She is openly asking you to give something to her, to help her. That is her reason for the message.

Her reason for the message is not to make you feel better. It is not to let you know she can see how badly she behaved and is truly sorry for the pain she caused. If it was she would have stopped there. It was ok to tell you about her home life as a child for context I think, but to go onto her ' woe is me' as an adult and then give you the responsibility of making her feel better. That is quite unforgiveable.

Her mentality does not seem to have moved on much from that of when she was bullying you. She still thinks she can treat other people as she wishes for her own gain, without thinking of the impact on them. She's just more manipulative about it now.

And if she posts it on her social media etc it just proves to a whole load of new people what a skanky, nasty bitch she is.

Personally l think the Op post was perfect.

YEEESSSSSSSSS!!!!! Love it
Well done ❤️❤️❤️

Op your reply was brilliant. Fair and honest and dignified. You are a credit.

I wish YOU a happy New chapter on closing this door.
All the best to you and your children.

Thanks everyone. I think she deserved it thoroughly, hopefully what she did to me will start to haunt me less now.

@BatchCookBabe thank you. I understand completely. I did read lots of the replies and appreciate them fully! There was a small handful of options and I'm happy with what I decided on. She doesn't have the power to hurt me anymore and I didn't say anything offensive or illegal. And I stand by the latter part of my message. If this woman finds another way to contact me and further bullies me as an adult I will not stand for it. It will be a case of harassment then and I'll just report her to the police..

Go you 🙌 Bet it felt so empowering to be able to send that.

Yes hopefully her child never encounters someone like that at school… although they will have to encounter their mother at home which might be bad enough.

This, basically.

I feel it's extremely unprofessional of her therapist to suggest contacting you in any way and appalling to put part of her "redemption" on to you to make her better!

Shame you can't find out the name of her therapist, I'd report them.

Absolutely. You have no responsibility to make her feel better.

I, too, was bullied remorselessly by a group of girls - it wasn't just verbal, it was physical also and it made my life a misery.

I often wondered, if I met any of them again, would I regard it as water under the bridge and if I'd be gracious? And then realised, nope, I wouldn't piss on them if they were on fire. In fact, I'd add petrol.

People like this do lasting damage. They don't deserve absolution.

I really sympathised with your dilemma and your need to do what's right for you. Just wanted to add my own experience. I was badly bullied by a trio of girls at the start of secondary school for 2-3 years. I left that school at 15 and didn't see them till 12 years later at a mutual acquaintance's wedding. They came over as a trio and apologised with apparent sincerity. Maybe I was just in a good place at the time (and tbh my life had worked out better than theirs) but I thought this was brave and I did / do forgive. We were all kids, emotionally / morally unevolved to an extent. They lashed out because I was different and it cemented their clique to gang up on me - it's a pure animal reaction, really. But the encounter was before I had my daughter. Maybe I'd have found it harder to forgive if it hadn't been. I would physically gouge out the eyes of anyone who made her feel like those girls did me. The people I can't forgive are my parents, who did / said nothing.

you legend! great response and I hope it's brought you some peace.

standing up for - and with, because she's you! - your younger self is an incredibly healing move. there are therapies based on exactly this. well done.

❤️

Also, please keep an eye on your children/ teenagers everyone. I read a comment earlier on in the thread stating the adults around me failed me. I had never thought about this properly but it's true. I know to sounds obvious but if you hear your child crying themselves to sleep, something probably isn't right ☹️ I did hide it in a way and my parents were great mostly so I can't put the blame on them. But creating a relationship with your child where they can come to you with anything is so needed. Especially in this day and age with social media x

My heart goes out to you OP, along with my utmost respect for your integrity and recovery ❤️

This what I'd be tempted to say. It's long, but unfortunately it's hard to express the gravity of the situation with fewer words... for me anyway 😉.

I appreciate the courage it took for you to message me and the motivation you’ve shown in seeking professional help to break cycles of abuse in your life.

In life, there are different levels of abuse, and the impact on the victim is often proportionate to the violence involved. Your bullying of me was not limited to the countless hours I spent feeling demoralised and worthless under your verbal onslaughts. It also included extremely dangerous and painful physical violence, with effects and consequences that were so severe that it would be detrimental to my current, extremely hard-won recovery to describe to you. Because of the gravity and effects of what you did, whilst forgiveness may be helpful for you, and perhaps one day it may even be helpful for me on my own terms, that is not where I am right now and it would be extremely detrimental to my own recovery to give it to you. For that reason, I cannot do what you have asked of me.

You say you worry about your child being the victim of the extreme levels of abuse you inflicted on me. I would ask you to reflect: perhaps you have grown into an above-averagely compassionate and empathetic person, but I sincerely doubt change of that magnitude is possible. You may believe you are no longer a bully, but can you honestly say you are never harsh, judgmental, or derogatory—toward your loved ones or in their hearing? Do your relationships always rest on respect and compassion, or do they carry subtle forms of emotional violence you may not even notice? If the latter is true, then unfortunately your child may be more at risk of becoming an abuser than of being abused.

Instead of focusing only on whether your child might be bullied, I suggest that you begin to atone by fostering respect and compassion within them, and by openly raising their awareness of what you once did and the consequences it had. That way, they are less likely to repeat the cycle themselves and bully others as viciously as you bullied me. If you were also to dedicate a few hours each month to raising awareness in schools, the small imposition on your busy life would be a drop in the ocean compared to the countless hours, weeks, and years of my childhood that you took from me.

Before I finish, I want to address the possibility that your deepest fear comes true—that your child experiences the torture and terror I endured at your hands. I believe you already sense that such an experience would devastate your family, poisoning every corner of your daily life. When a child lives in terror and despair for years, the ordinary joys of family life—trips, celebrations, shared moments—become impossible. And if, many years later, after all of that, your child received the kind of message you have sent me, how would you advise them to respond?

This is not to say you were wrong to reach out—some victims might find that healing. But I am asking you, honestly, to think deeply about the true weight of what you put me through, and then ask yourself: what would you want your own child to say in my place?

I like it! Well done x

Reply with 2 words, begins with f and ends in off. she doesn’t deserve closure. she can’t just use you like that.

Tell her to fuck off. She burnt you ffs. You don’t get to forget it and neither does she. Guilt is her punishment. I know people growing up who had hard lives who didn’t bully others. I’m sorry that happened.