To tell my high school bully to jog on?!

[whattheheckkk]

Name changed for this one. Really random.

In high school (over 15 years ago) I was subjected to the most atrocious bullying by the same girl. I was pretty well liked overall, never really had a problem with anyone. I wasn't popular, had a little quiet friendship group.
Except this one girl. I did nothing to her, but when we were about 12 she decided she hated me, and she made my life hell. She was racist towards me, she called me fat, she poured a can of Coke into my school bag during PE. She put chewing gum in my hair. She spat on my lunch whilst I was eating it. She stole my blazer and trashed it. Told me to kill myself. She even flicked boiling hot metal from a soldering onto my hands during electronics class. Much more but you get the jist. She had a little possy of friends who all laughed.

My friends always told me to ignore her, but we were all kind of too quiet to say anything to her- she was scary tbh. I never let on to anyone, but she gave me the worst anxiety. I would rush to the toilet to vomit if she looked at me a certain way in the hallways. I'd cry myself to sleep about it. She never had a reason to hate me. I never told my parents or teachers. I don't know why, I don't really have an answer to that.

Anyway. Fast forward. She messaged me 3 days ago. Saying something along the lines of:

Hi. I know this is a really strange thing to do and I know you probably never wanted to hear from me again. But then went on to explain that she'd had a child a number of years ago and physically cannot get past the way she treated me. How she looks at her child and feels sick because of how scared and upset I must have been of her etc.. and she's terrified of someone treating her child the same way.

She then proceeded to tell me she had been in a really bad depressive pit and has sought professional therapy, where the topic of me came up. Her therapist told her reaching out to me may be a way to close a door. Which I get, kind of- but holy fucking shit- she literally nearly killed me as a teen.

There was a lot more to the message, she gave reasons for the way she treated me( bad home life apparently, which I do sympathise with) but then went on to say that of course it was no excuse. She couldn't make me forgive her and I didn't have to but it would 'help her close a chapter' 🙃 if I did. I haven't replied. To be honest I've been spiralling a bit since the message. I don't know why, I'm a grown woman, married, my own house and career, my own children.

I did speak to my sister (who knew of the abuse as I'd told her years later). She basically told me not to reply and that she could bugger off. Part of me feels sorry for her, but I'm a huge empath. Anyway. This is a massive muddle of a message. What would you do?

I would ignore and not give her the peace of closing that door. I would be hoping the guilt keeps her awake at night and every time she drops her child off at school I hope what she did to you plays in her mind and haunts her forever. I would definitely be playing no part in giving my former bully a clear conscience.

Fully understand many of you may think I'm completely horrible for this opinion though

This is still classic bully behaviour it is all about her. I'd go for a really passive aggressive response. I certainly wouldn't make them feel better.

One of the most satisfying things ever was when someone who bullied me for a bit at senior school applied for a job with me and I was able to tell them to fuck off. Karma does sometimes come back to bite them.

Thanks for this. I actually got one of these letters from my alcoholic mother, who went through an AA period. The letter was so odd, left me perplexed. I was circa 30, so about 20 years ago, but I remember even then thinking how surely a normal person would call you up, or engineer a face to face situation (that suits the victim) to talk through something so serious?

Like the OPs message, the content was also all excuses, and about my mother. It didn’t acknowledge what she had really put me through. It was about her. However, her letter didn’t ask for a response, or invite further conversation (which as her daughter, was also odd).

for the op, you owe her nothing. But it sounds like you’ve really moved on, and that you were always a nice person. Remember that and don’t let her latest contact upset you.

This is the best response you could give OP, if you want to give one at all! I personally wouldn’t as I commented further up, but we are all individual and I know some people need to feel they have closed a door on a certain situation etc. Whatever you choose to do will be just right for you x

There was a horrible boy called Nigel at school who took the piss out of a girl who had fits. She was so embarrassed. Last year (this happened in 1995) someone wrote to the effect of "I remember you well for remorselessly bullying Lisa at school" in response to one of his posts on a local Facebook group. He replied that everyone grows up in the end. Just a throwaway reply but she has had years of therapy.

It's good that she's working on herself. I'm not sure it's impossible to atone for things done in childhood when a person is deeply ashamed, wants to do better, and is determined never to do anything like that again (disclaimer: I was the bullied, not the bully, and am not making excuses for it).

However, this communication doesn't suggest any of the above. Her atonement is about her, not you, and the fact that this woman has been in contact with you, asking for your help in making amends for harm she inflicted on you, is repellent. It's a good indication that she's not repentent in the slightest and only wants to make her own conscience easier on herself.

She can 'close the door' on that chapter by herself. No response is a response better than any rebuke. It tells her 'you're not even worth the trouble of my time'.

She isn't.

I'm sorry about your appalling experiences, OP. Some things really do fall into the category of unforgivable, and forgiveness of this woman is not your job.

No response or I think this message or a version of it would be good if you wanted to respond.
Separately it may be good to look at ways to move on from her message bringing back the trauma you experienced and thinking what would help you. This may involve forgiveness.
Living your best life is a good outcome.

I think you're absolutely correct.

Alanon and alateen as well as AA are all cults.

OP I wouldn't give her the absolution she is asking for, she's still selfish as all hell as this clearly states "Her therapist told her reaching out to me may be a way to close a door." She wants you to forgive her for herself, not for you.

I'm sorry she made your life an absolute misery. There is no requirement for you to be kind to her, I'd tell her exactly what I thought of her.

Making amends to the people you've hurt is one of the twelve steps. This sounds like a very half-arsed, heart-not-in-it kind of attempt. Making amends to those people does not necessarily mean spilling your own conscience on a keyboard to that person. Sometimes the kindest thing to do is give them the space they need.

I grew up with a violent, alcoholic father who caused me concussion when I was fifteen. During his lifetime I was not in a conciliatory mood, ever - should any apology or effort at reconciliation even have been forthcoming. It never was.

As usual, it was all everyone else's fault but his own.

You don't owe her anything to reply. She's doing this purely to make herself feel better. Personally I'd ignore it. Depends on what you want to do. Remember you can reply at a later date, or not at all.

Perhaps you do want to acknowledge that she was vile to you e.g. "Yes you made my life very difficult during school, it really affected me for a long time. I understand you were a child, as was I. I often wondered what I had done to have been targeted in such a way. I'm not able to give you what you want, which is forgiveness. You may be working through your emotions, but I am not able to at this point of time."

I suffered the same thing at school and it would be a no from me - but I would respond. This sort of thing sticks with you and it isn't up to you, the person who was bullied, to ease her conscience. I'd be saying something along the lines of 'I'm glad you have finally realised what you put me through, I hope your daughter is never subjected to the same sort of abuse. But I've carried it with me for 15 years - and it shouldn't have taken this to make you realise. So no, I can't forgive you but thank you for releasing MY pain by reaching out'.

I was bullied but even then I always knew it was them not me. And even if someone accepts an aplology it doesn't mean that that person stops feeling guilty for what they’ve done. At the end of the day I suppose it comes down to OPs character, does she believe people can grow up and change for the better?

I received a similar message a few years ago, from someone who targeted me for no reason. I was just quiet & wanted to be left alone. I decided to not respond at all, and a few years later I'm glad I went that way. There was no need for me to open a dialogue, or tell her to do one. It probably would've been satisfying in the moment, but I don't think I'd have gained anything from it.

I had a similar situation but at Primary.
The main instigator endd up at my Uni and despite not laying eyes on her for 6 years I felt physically sick at the thought.
I was sitting with some friends and she approached and asked if she could join us as she "didn't know anyone else". I replied that she didn't know me either.
You owe this woman nothing and I would just reply "F off"

Tell her and her therapist to go for along walk on a short pier

Do you feel the need to forgive her ? If not don’t respond. I went through much the same thing at the hands of a school bully who targeted me for the most horrendous abuse because of my disability. A couple of times l ended up needing medical treatment because she physically targeted me, but somehow she always managed to wriggle out of any consequences.

Years later l was in a position of authority and she was, shall we say, a client of the organisation and scheduled to be on my caseload. I requested that for personal reasons, l wanted someone else to deal with her so we didn’t have to come face to face and l wouldn't have to deal with the emotions l’d successfully packed away - and to be honest l didn’t trust myself not to let past experience influence my dealings with her.

Those events are well in the past and l have never spoken of them to anyone. But reading your post l asked myself whether as an adult with adult reasoning skills l could find it in myself to forgive her if asked. And the answer was no. Those events are too deeply ingrained and in many ways have had a lasting effect on my life. I simply wouldn’t be able to find it in myself to forgive no matter the circumstance in which she found herself asking.

You were her victim when it suited her to make you such. Now it suits her to ask for your forgiveness. And for no other reason than her therapist has said she needs to do this in order to move on from her issues and to feel better about herself - exoneration for what she did. You don’t have to provide that. You were her victim and you are under no obligation to make her feel better about what she pint you through. She needs to do the work and forgive herself. Which is much harder to do.

I’m sorry for all you went through OP, that’s a sadistic level of cruelty to endure.

That message is pure manipulation. There’s a good chance she’s trying to pull you into a situation she can mess with your head. You’re already feeling the effects of her making contact. Giving you a sob story is classic abusive behaviour. You don’t even know if she actually has a therapist.

I absolutely would not respond in any way except to block. I would not give her the satisfaction of knowing I even still thought of her. Possibly it would delight her to know she could get a response from you, anything you say to her would be proof that she hurt you - even an angry fuck off reply.

Hi OP.
Please do not help her !!.
You are not there to make her feel better
I feel so angry on your behalf.
Similar thing happened to me in school, it was horrendous and caused lifelong problems, depression no confidence that sort of thing.
A few years ago I was queueing to buy Euros in M&S.
The woman on the till was my bully, she recognised me and chatted saying what
a great time we had had at school.
I couldn't speak, I was shaking so much, and had to go for a coffee to calm down.
I felt 12 again.
The worst thing is that I didn't say a word to her !!.I so wish I had !
If I were you I would reply and tell her exactly how she made you feel,as you have told us.She doesn't deserve closure.
Her poor kid having a mother like her.
Sorry for such a long reply.
Take care, hope you can find peace.

No, I think you forgive when you're ready to. And then it's easier There's a lot of actions I won't forgive, but only one person ( and they're dead now)
It's up to OP what she does, but sometimes letting go of the past does make your burdens lighter. And only OP will know this.

I'm sorry you had this experience. I can imagine how it made you feel.

AA members are given very poor advice. I maintain it's a cult.

All as it comes across is more "me me me" help me tick this box off to progress in the "programme". I maintain victims should be left alone. That's the best course of action in most bygone circumstances. Unless of course they raise it themselves. I think the practice of AA causes alarm, anxiety and re traumatises victims . It's very self indulgent.

Personally I don't blame the AA attenders, they're indoctrinated and pressured to do this by the "programme" and it's toxic "leaders". The whole AA and alanon set up needs an official investigation. It's a harmful cult.

I absolutely cringe when people suggest Alanon or AA on here

Ignore that message and block her. Do not acknowledge it in any way. I’m glad it’s tortured her. She deserves that.

All she’s after now, having tortured you for years, is that you make her feel better about it all now. What a cunt.

This is perfect

OP’s bully hasn’t grown up and changed for the better though has she ? Her therapy only came about through her own personal circumstance and had what she did to OP not come up in the course of that therapy, she wouldn’t be asking OP’s forgiveness. As far as l can see there is no understanding of what she did to OP, just a fear that someone is going to do the same to her own child. Forgiveness has to be earned. And in OP’s case it hasn’t been.

Even if she has changed and become an absolute bloody saint it won't undo what she did or how she made OP feel