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Original poster

To tell my high school bully to jog on?!

1000 replies

whattheheckkk · 08/09/2025 20:30

Name changed for this one. Really random.

In high school (over 15 years ago) I was subjected to the most atrocious bullying by the same girl. I was pretty well liked overall, never really had a problem with anyone. I wasn't popular, had a little quiet friendship group.
Except this one girl. I did nothing to her, but when we were about 12 she decided she hated me, and she made my life hell. She was racist towards me, she called me fat, she poured a can of Coke into my school bag during PE. She put chewing gum in my hair. She spat on my lunch whilst I was eating it. She stole my blazer and trashed it. Told me to kill myself. She even flicked boiling hot metal from a soldering onto my hands during electronics class. Much more but you get the jist. She had a little possy of friends who all laughed.

My friends always told me to ignore her, but we were all kind of too quiet to say anything to her- she was scary tbh. I never let on to anyone, but she gave me the worst anxiety. I would rush to the toilet to vomit if she looked at me a certain way in the hallways. I'd cry myself to sleep about it. She never had a reason to hate me. I never told my parents or teachers. I don't know why, I don't really have an answer to that.

Anyway. Fast forward. She messaged me 3 days ago. Saying something along the lines of:

Hi. I know this is a really strange thing to do and I know you probably never wanted to hear from me again. But then went on to explain that she'd had a child a number of years ago and physically cannot get past the way she treated me. How she looks at her child and feels sick because of how scared and upset I must have been of her etc.. and she's terrified of someone treating her child the same way.

She then proceeded to tell me she had been in a really bad depressive pit and has sought professional therapy, where the topic of me came up. Her therapist told her reaching out to me may be a way to close a door. Which I get, kind of- but holy fucking shit- she literally nearly killed me as a teen.

There was a lot more to the message, she gave reasons for the way she treated me( bad home life apparently, which I do sympathise with) but then went on to say that of course it was no excuse. She couldn't make me forgive her and I didn't have to but it would 'help her close a chapter' 🙃 if I did. I haven't replied. To be honest I've been spiralling a bit since the message. I don't know why, I'm a grown woman, married, my own house and career, my own children.

I did speak to my sister (who knew of the abuse as I'd told her years later). She basically told me not to reply and that she could bugger off. Part of me feels sorry for her, but I'm a huge empath. Anyway. This is a massive muddle of a message. What would you do?

OP posts:
W0tnow · 09/09/2025 08:14

You can reply to her without forgiving her. I’d be tempted to say what you’ve said here. How she made you feel then, and now. The kind of person you were then, and now. How you’re a kind person and while you’re not inclined to assuage her guilt, you’re not inclined to match her meanness with your own. How your only common ground is that also look at your child and hope she doesn’t go through what you did. Then block.

ChristmasFluff · 09/09/2025 08:14

Your power lies in your lack of response. Let her sweat.

Primmyhill · 09/09/2025 08:14

Definitely not. She is clearly doing this to make herself feel better, to ‘close the door’ seek your forgiveness and move on. That’s all see wants to hear: I wouldn’t let her off the hook that easily. Although it sounds like she had a s bad childhood, it’s no excuse and at that age you definitely know it’s not acceptable to treat people that way.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 09/09/2025 08:15

Shellyash · 08/09/2025 20:51

Against the grain here, I would invite her round for a beef Wellington.

Good time of the year for foraging 😂

Sunnyscribe · 09/09/2025 08:16

"I suppose I can see why you are imagining your daughter in these scenarios, you of all people know how possible it is for her to be bullied and terrorized at school. Perhaps it won't happen, perhaps it will. How willing would you be to extend your forgiveness to someone who did this to her?"

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 09/09/2025 08:17

Lavender14 · 08/09/2025 20:47

You owe her nothing and I think in this situation you do what YOU need to do.

I can accept that she was a child when she did what she did and that obviously she's done some serious work on herself which is positive and good that she's been accountable in that respect, but the impact on you as the victim is what matters ultimately so I would only respond if it will bring YOU closure. I wouldn't think of it as withholding forgiveness or similar in a "punishing" her kind of way, but focus on yourself and what you need out of this interaction. Obviously it's going to have brought up a lot of past trauma for you, not only did she treat you horrendously but also the adults around you really failed you by not noticing and intervening. So take your time. You don't need to respond right now (or ever) so allow yourself some grace to just sit with this and not do anything until it feels right to do something.

In the meantime, plenty of self care, and perhaps consider counselling if you think it might be helpful given you never really got speaking to someone to get the right support at the time. You deserve good things, you deserve to set boundaries that are respected and you deserve to put your own needs first. She is completely secondary in all of this.

Show quote history

Could not agree more. This is all about how you feel. Do you think forgiveness would be cathartic for you?
If not block and forget.
🫂 💐

Epidote · 09/09/2025 08:17

The only reply that is worth is a big "fuck off". Other than that ignore because she can literally "fuck off"

Gladysknightjustwalkinmyshoes · 09/09/2025 08:18

I've had a rethink,I would ignore/block because she really isn't that important and leave her wondering.
As pp have said you're not owe her anything to assuage her guilt.

Waterbaby41 · 09/09/2025 08:19

I would be sorely tempted to tell her how she made you feel back then, how triggered you are she has contacted you, no you don't forgive her, how much you hope her daughter never has the same thing happen to her - and to end it with 'now fuck off and never contact me again.'

SquaredPaper · 09/09/2025 08:28

whattheheckkk · 08/09/2025 21:36

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for all these replies. I have read every single one and they've left me feeling both emotional and validated at the same time. I know I didn't deserve what she put me through. I don't know what to say to her, if anything. I want to tell her to fuck off and that my heart breaks for her child having her as a mother. But if I'm honest, I truly haven't ever said anything like that in my life to anyone. Of course I've had fall outs with people over the years but honestly I am kind hearted and I'm super proud of that. Out of all people to destroy my track record of being a good person, do I really want it to be her? I don't know if she deserves that...

I can forgive and forget a lot of the time but this is a situation where I'm not sure I can. I too look at my children and my stomach churns when I think about something similar happening to them. For entirely different reasons to her. Her 'apology' feels self absorbed and false the more I read it.

But I am going to sit on it. I don't think a therapist even told her to contact me, I think she's lying and she thinks it'll stop any bad karma getting to her and her family? Or if she's not lying I don't think she's been truthful about the extent of the abuse she inflicted on me.

Also, she contacted me on fb messenger- came through as a message request (they'll be getting turned off now!).

Thank you again. When I decide what to do, I'll try and pop on with an update

OP, not responding as she clearly wants you to won’t somehow ‘break your track record of being a good person’, just as apologising to you will have zero impact on whether or not her child is bullied. Thinking those things are somehow related are both fallacies. You are allowed to not reply to any form of communication, and you are also allowed not to give someone what they want.

And I don’t know why you’re hung up on the therapist. A therapist may have suggested she take action towards people she has hurt in the past, certainly, but won’t have ‘told’ her to do anything. That’s not how therapy works. And it’s not clear why you think she hasn’t been honest with her therapist about what she did to you — therapists hear far worse every day.

I don’t think you should feel you need to make any decisions quickly, or indeed at all. In your position, I simply wouldn’t reply. But obviously that’s your call.

DisforDarkChocolate · 09/09/2025 08:33

I'd find that hard to forgive, and I'd add being annoyed at the counsellor for even implying you should forgive to help her. It's ok for her to apologise but not to ask anything of you in return.

Easipeelerie · 09/09/2025 08:38

ARichtGoodDram · 08/09/2025 21:23

I had a similar message a few years back. Some wise folks on here helped me word a message along the lines of "I think it's absolutely appalling of your therapist to suggest that I should be obliged in any way to play any part in your therapy.
Encouraging you to launch into my life without any regard for my feelings or any consideration toward if I'd want the person who absolutely destroyed my teenage years to ever contact me again is beyond unprofessional.
I hope they are better skilled in other areas of their profession."

This is the best response.

AutumnLover1989 · 09/09/2025 08:39

QuaintPanda · 08/09/2025 20:57

My response would be:

I‘m glad you have finally realised what you did to me. Maybe the pain you are experiencing will be as deep and long-lasting as what you inflicted on me.

I can’t forgive as long as I carry the scars. And forgiving won’t remove those scars.

All you can do is learn from this and ensure you and your child are proactively kind to and accepting of everyone. You could also make a donation to an anti-bullying charity or become an anti-bullying mentor. You can’t undo the damage you have done to me, but you can stop it happening to someone else or support someone currently undergoing what you did to me all those years ago.

Take it as a lesson to change and to stop other people’s lives being ruined by other bullies.

This 💯

DaylesfordBroccoli · 09/09/2025 08:41

I’d reply to tell her I was pleased it was haunting her and I would not ever be able to forgive her. Then block her.

Reallytoughsitu · 09/09/2025 08:43

Appalling the therapist would dump this on to you without support.

Really do what is best for you. Best wishes. 💐

SquaredPaper · 09/09/2025 08:48

DisforDarkChocolate · 09/09/2025 08:33

I'd find that hard to forgive, and I'd add being annoyed at the counsellor for even implying you should forgive to help her. It's ok for her to apologise but not to ask anything of you in return.

No professional therapist would imply anything might, far less ‘should’, be required of the other person in this type of scenario, far less actual forgiveness. Their emphasis will have been on the former bully expressing genuine contrition, if that is felt, and on not expecting any kind of ‘validating’ response.

I think most therapists would think the important thing was writing the letter for the former bully herself, as a way of owning her actions, not sending it. I’m pretty sure my therapist would have actively discouraged actually sending it, for example.

KTMeetsTheRsUptown · 09/09/2025 08:48

I agree with others, definitely not reply and block, sounds like she's trying to make herself feel better ...I wouldn't trust her.
So sorry you went through that op 💐

2O25 · 09/09/2025 08:49

SapphOhNo · 08/09/2025 21:33

I had a near exact experience. I adapted the response I gave:

"You are not reaching out for me. You are reaching out for yourself. You want to be told that you’re not the monster you know deep down you are. But you are. Nothing you say, no therapy session, no excuses, will ever erase that truth: you are cruel, selfish, and rotten at the core.

Your bad home life didn’t force you to spit in someone’s food, to burn them with metal, to laugh as you humiliated another human being. You chose that. You enjoyed it. And that enjoyment is who you really are. That’s the part you can never escape, no matter how much you cry into your therapist’s office or look at your child and pretend you’ve changed.

You want closure? Here’s your closure: you don’t deserve forgiveness. You don’t deserve peace. You don’t deserve to be the kind of mother who raises a child without them one day discovering what their mother really was a sadist who preyed on someone weaker, who destroyed for the sake of it, and who only decades later realised she couldn’t outrun her own reflection.

You will live the rest of your life knowing that who you are at your core is vile. You can coat it with therapy, with excuses, with crocodile tears — but the truth is unchangeable. And one day your child will look at you and see it too.

That’s who you are. That’s who you’ll always be"

Absolutely the best response!! Truthful and poignant. I couldn't think of a better response.

BitOutOfPractice · 09/09/2025 08:50

BollyKnickerz · 08/09/2025 23:34

It is an AA practice. A dreadful one .

It's a selfish self indulgent thing to do that only retraumatises the victim and does nothing but dump their guilt off.

It's not the AA members fault. It's the programme. Bloody load of indoctrinated religious witchcraft. Should be looked into and investigated that cult.

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I absolutely agree that it’s an appalling idea. And a very self absorbed one.

Dueindecemberr · 09/09/2025 08:52

As someone who was badly bullied in similar circumstances, I absolutely would reply and lay it on thick and then block her. I would tell her how miserable she made your life and how dare she try to justify it or make herself feel better.

Chompingatthebeat · 09/09/2025 08:53

Whilst struggling with the idea of forgiveness myself, I recently listened to a podcast about a mother who forgave her sons killer. Its certainly food for thought.

notacooldad · 09/09/2025 08:53

Daft as it sounds, forgiving her might help you.

It may help the op but forgiving doesnt always work. Memories of what happened aren't suddenly erased, random things may suddenly let all the sick , horrible feelings you went through come back. You don't start behaviourist different because your subconscious still tried to protect you. Anxiety still crawls through your body when you see your bully or someone that looks like them.

And why should they be forgiven? You are still left with the damage but they are relieved of any guilt.

What happened to Op wasnt a mistake, it was calculated and deliberate and done for likes and admiration from her gang.

Dueindecemberr · 09/09/2025 08:53

2O25 · 09/09/2025 08:49

Absolutely the best response!! Truthful and poignant. I couldn't think of a better response.

Show quote history

Agreed. Perfect response.

gannett · 09/09/2025 08:54

You're under no obligation to respond in any particular way, or at all.

I don't like the idea of putting any effort into crafting a response. I wouldn't want her to know how badly she affected me and going to any mental effort to be witty or offensive is more than she deserves (also half the "witty" suggestions in this thread aren't all that).

Personally I would probably ignore and leave her hanging indefinitely - but I do like the idea of just an "OK" or, even better, just a pass-agg thumbs up.

Gini87 · 09/09/2025 08:55

Hard no from me.

Why should you have to give her closure for her actions? I think she's being a CF actually because if you say "I forgive you" she gets to move on. Leave her to stew.

My school bully contacted me years ago with a friends request and a message. I just messaged her back saying I hadn't seen her in x years and there was a good reason for that. We weren't friends then and we certainly won't be "friends" going forward. I didn't want her to have any access or headspace in my life.

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