To tell my high school bully to jog on?!

[whattheheckkk]

Name changed for this one. Really random.

In high school (over 15 years ago) I was subjected to the most atrocious bullying by the same girl. I was pretty well liked overall, never really had a problem with anyone. I wasn't popular, had a little quiet friendship group.
Except this one girl. I did nothing to her, but when we were about 12 she decided she hated me, and she made my life hell. She was racist towards me, she called me fat, she poured a can of Coke into my school bag during PE. She put chewing gum in my hair. She spat on my lunch whilst I was eating it. She stole my blazer and trashed it. Told me to kill myself. She even flicked boiling hot metal from a soldering onto my hands during electronics class. Much more but you get the jist. She had a little possy of friends who all laughed.

My friends always told me to ignore her, but we were all kind of too quiet to say anything to her- she was scary tbh. I never let on to anyone, but she gave me the worst anxiety. I would rush to the toilet to vomit if she looked at me a certain way in the hallways. I'd cry myself to sleep about it. She never had a reason to hate me. I never told my parents or teachers. I don't know why, I don't really have an answer to that.

Anyway. Fast forward. She messaged me 3 days ago. Saying something along the lines of:

Hi. I know this is a really strange thing to do and I know you probably never wanted to hear from me again. But then went on to explain that she'd had a child a number of years ago and physically cannot get past the way she treated me. How she looks at her child and feels sick because of how scared and upset I must have been of her etc.. and she's terrified of someone treating her child the same way.

She then proceeded to tell me she had been in a really bad depressive pit and has sought professional therapy, where the topic of me came up. Her therapist told her reaching out to me may be a way to close a door. Which I get, kind of- but holy fucking shit- she literally nearly killed me as a teen.

There was a lot more to the message, she gave reasons for the way she treated me( bad home life apparently, which I do sympathise with) but then went on to say that of course it was no excuse. She couldn't make me forgive her and I didn't have to but it would 'help her close a chapter' 🙃 if I did. I haven't replied. To be honest I've been spiralling a bit since the message. I don't know why, I'm a grown woman, married, my own house and career, my own children.

I did speak to my sister (who knew of the abuse as I'd told her years later). She basically told me not to reply and that she could bugger off. Part of me feels sorry for her, but I'm a huge empath. Anyway. This is a massive muddle of a message. What would you do?

If you were ready to forgive you wouldn't be writing this post. And you don't have to accept an apology or offer forgiveness just because she wants to. I would ignore or even make it clear to her what your true feelings about her are. Whatever makes you take back your power best. Don't do anything that isn't true to how you feel.

If she truly just wants to apologise (as well she should) then she's done that. Whether you forgive her or not is up to you. You aren't obliged to do anything.

It seems therapists do often suggest this to former bullies and their victims. Track the other person down years and years later and send a message out of the blue apologising or telling them how bad the bullying was. I'm not a counsellor but I just don't think it's a good idea. The bullies seem to think they will get absolution, and often that they're owed it (they're not) and the victims seem to think they'll get a sincere apology but they rarely do. It just seems really risky, intrusive and places all the onus on the other person, who probably won't do what you want, when therapy should be about the stuff that you can control.

There is a Big Bang Theory episode called "The Speckerman Recurrence" about this, you may be able to stream somewhere. It's comedy and a little dated now, but may help.

My wife was contacted by her bullies and she chose to engage and forgive, and that helped her heal. But that's not for everyone. It can open up a lot of old wounds and backfire.

I would do what you feel serves you best, whether that's forgiveness or not.

It really pisses me off when people blame their home life for being a bully as a child. There are plenty of people who had an equally shit home life but would never bully someone. I am sorry if they had a shit childhood but it doesn’t give anyone an excuse for bullying other kids!!!

I was bullied at school and there is no way that even after all these years I would forgive them. I might accept their apology but her asking you to forgive her for making your school life shit is just to make her feel better - no way!!! I second other comments about saying you accept her apology but don’t forgive her and just hope that her child doesn’t get picked on just because someone is having a shit time at home!!!

I would either block her and not respond or answer essentially that what goes around comes around and she will have to work through it herself, without help from you. And never to contact you again.

This is a bit like someone confessing to their spouse that they had an affair that’s now over. That’s not for the victim’s benefit, it’s for the benefit of the wrongdoer - assuaging their guilt. It’s not your job to do that for this person, though it is good that as an adult she has insight into her actions as a child. I would just ignore the message.

I was bullied horribly at my primary school and years later at uni I encountered one of the bullies. She was perfectly normal as though nothing had happened. I had the first panic attack of my life and had to leave the party.

I had similar....I blocked and didn't respond. Not my issue to sort out. Blocking was very rewarding feeling!

Reading this, I'm mostly so sorry this happened to you. You didn't deserve any of it. It sounds so frightening and generally traumatising.
I'm tempted to say 'fuck her' but more evenly, her issues are her own business. It's nothing to do with you. Whether you reply or not, block her so you don't have to hear from her ever again
I don't think I would reply to her, it's hard to say. But if I did, I would lay it all out as you did here. The vomiting, the crying etc. I'd spare her nothing. And I do hope that doesn't happen to her or anybodies child.

This.

I think this sentence would be the most perfect way for you to reply to her:

“I too look at my children and my stomach churns when I think about something similar happening to them.”

Print out the message, tear it into tiny bits and if you can, burn it. Then block her and be thankful. I was really badly bullied at school and sometimes wonder what I'd do if any of them pulled a similar stunt on me.

If I chose to respond at all it would be something along the lines of, If you're looking for absolution I am so not it. Ain't karma great though.

Daft as it sounds, forgiving her might help you.

That is a BRILLIANT response!!

I tried forgiving someone who did me huge wrong and it really never helped me. I was told I'd no longer carry the burden of what they did but the problem is that I do! That's why what they did was so damaging!

I suppose I didn't truly forgive them but I don't think it's something you can force.

The old me would have ignored the message in a quiet dignified way.

But now I think I’d say:

Fuck off. You deserve someone to treat your child the way you treated me.

Because it would hurt her bullying mother. Her bullying mother doesn't deserve any compassion.

So I'd say your daughter deserves it as much as you do. Not actually meaning it, but just to hurt her bully back.

OP does it feel better knowing that she was suffering back then and now regrets her behaviour? Or would her standing by what she did and continuing to laugh at you feel better?
I think I would be pleased they were sorry. Doesn't mean I could necessarily be all forgiving, but I'd still prefer it that they were truly sorry rather than continuing to be a bully as an adult.

Absolutely this
It's classic bully behaviour to seek out the victim to make amends i.e make themselves feel better and minimise what they did.
Read her words
It's all about her

Hard no from me. I had a slightly similar experience though not on this scale - was added to a school reunion FB group, bully sent me a friend request 🤷🏻‍♀️ No chance that was going to happen, I just deleted it.
I’d either completely ignore the message or just reply saying “No”, then block her from contacting you on whatever platform she used.

I would say:
I hope you get everything you deserve.

Tell her to Foxtrot Oscar.
You owe her nothing and she doesn't deserve anything from you.

Not read all replies but I think silence is the best and most powerful option. Ignore her. Don't get angry and reply back. She sounds desperate for forgiveness for her own selfish reasons. What goes around, comes around.

I’d suggest printing out the message, go to a beach (or somewhere else quiet and remote), crumple the message up, set fire to it, and walk away.

Agree with PP- this is all about her feelings.

I would either leave her hanging- the read and no reply will bug her.
or reply with ‘do not contact me again’.

The treatment you endured was appalling. I am shocked that schools still turn a blind eye to bullying.

I would reply to say
No I don't forgive you. Of course I don't. You behaved appallingly as a teenager. Your entitlement at contacting me now, with that message, is staggering.