To tell my high school bully to jog on?!

[whattheheckkk]

Name changed for this one. Really random.

In high school (over 15 years ago) I was subjected to the most atrocious bullying by the same girl. I was pretty well liked overall, never really had a problem with anyone. I wasn't popular, had a little quiet friendship group.
Except this one girl. I did nothing to her, but when we were about 12 she decided she hated me, and she made my life hell. She was racist towards me, she called me fat, she poured a can of Coke into my school bag during PE. She put chewing gum in my hair. She spat on my lunch whilst I was eating it. She stole my blazer and trashed it. Told me to kill myself. She even flicked boiling hot metal from a soldering onto my hands during electronics class. Much more but you get the jist. She had a little possy of friends who all laughed.

My friends always told me to ignore her, but we were all kind of too quiet to say anything to her- she was scary tbh. I never let on to anyone, but she gave me the worst anxiety. I would rush to the toilet to vomit if she looked at me a certain way in the hallways. I'd cry myself to sleep about it. She never had a reason to hate me. I never told my parents or teachers. I don't know why, I don't really have an answer to that.

Anyway. Fast forward. She messaged me 3 days ago. Saying something along the lines of:

Hi. I know this is a really strange thing to do and I know you probably never wanted to hear from me again. But then went on to explain that she'd had a child a number of years ago and physically cannot get past the way she treated me. How she looks at her child and feels sick because of how scared and upset I must have been of her etc.. and she's terrified of someone treating her child the same way.

She then proceeded to tell me she had been in a really bad depressive pit and has sought professional therapy, where the topic of me came up. Her therapist told her reaching out to me may be a way to close a door. Which I get, kind of- but holy fucking shit- she literally nearly killed me as a teen.

There was a lot more to the message, she gave reasons for the way she treated me( bad home life apparently, which I do sympathise with) but then went on to say that of course it was no excuse. She couldn't make me forgive her and I didn't have to but it would 'help her close a chapter' 🙃 if I did. I haven't replied. To be honest I've been spiralling a bit since the message. I don't know why, I'm a grown woman, married, my own house and career, my own children.

I did speak to my sister (who knew of the abuse as I'd told her years later). She basically told me not to reply and that she could bugger off. Part of me feels sorry for her, but I'm a huge empath. Anyway. This is a massive muddle of a message. What would you do?

I’d forgive her. She was a kid when it happened and she sounds contrite.

Nah no way would I entertain this person. I was very badly bullied at school and sometimes an apology just isn’t enough for ruining your life.

She’s only written the message to you because her therapist told her to do so, not because she felt sincere enough to come up with the idea herself. Now that she has her own child, who may or may not experience being bullied, she is now realising what that anxiety and pain is feeling like and worries that her own child could potentially be a victim of bullying. And unfortunately it takes for a lot of people to grow up and have children of their own to finally realise “I was a disgusting person and I hope my child never has to go through what I used to do to other children”.

I would either ignore her message, or if you really feel the need to respond, do what a pp has suggested about saying something along the lines of “hope you feel better after writing that, I really hope your child never has to experience the same as you did to me”. I think that is such an effective line.

I'd have to reply and remind her of all the things she did to you (in a list), ask her how anyone could forgive it and hope her child turns out better than she did!

Block her. If she’s haunted by her previous behaviour then she has to find a way to reconcile it on her own. It’s not your problem.

I would reply with.

Do not contact me again, if you do I will report you to the police for harassment.

She only cares because she doesn’t want it to happen to her child and it sounds like she is a believer of Karma. She doesn’t actually care about you.

I think I'd just ignore her message. Forgiveness is not a given, it could be earned but even then you aren't entitled to someone's forgieveness. You don't have to accept her apology and you can tell her so or tell her nothing at all.

Or, better yet, my reply would be

"I know you probably never wanted to hear from me again."
That's right, I've never wanted and I still don't.

I wouldn't rush. I agree you don't owe her anything but also your first reaction might not be your settled reaction, because the contact will have been such a surprise.

It's ok to take some time to work out what is right for you and what response (which includes no response) fits best with who you really are as a person and what will make you feel comfortable.

I hope it doesn't stir up too much for you.

I'd just block and delete.

Or if you feel the urge to respond - maybe an eye roll emoji is quite appropriate - and then block/delete.

Definitely don't give her a long winded reply.

What would I do?

I would post her apology online - including linked in if she has it and detail every single thing she did.

F**k her.

She has no friends which is why she reached out to you.

Just message back ‘ what goes around comes around’.

Apologies if this has already been shared as I haven’t read all the replies, but I thought you’d find this interesting, OP. (Katy Wix is Mary in ‘Ghosts’).

‘Could you forgive your childhood bully?’ - Katy Wix

I hope you and your child face exactly what I did from you. Only then will you learn what you did. Forgiveness from me ..not a chance. Do not ever contact me again do you understand?
That would be my reply.

If you can, it might be an opportunity for you to say all the things you have here - what you endured from her, what she did, and how it makes you feel to even receive a message from her now. It might feel cathartic. But understand why it might be too much as well

What you put me through was unforgivable.
<Block>

That'll give her and her therapist something to chew over.

Hell no. I might ask if she is still a racist POS though.

Nope why the hell should you make her feel better about herself ! So sorry to hear what you went through.

I’m sorry you had such a hard time with her at school @whattheheckkk 😔 She sounds like a right bitch! I hope she is sitting stewing over it and feeling remorseful now that she is a mother herself.

I wouldn’t be able to ignore her message as much as I would want to. I’d need to make my feelings clear incase I ever bumped into her in person and she brought it up!

I’d probably reply something along the lines of:

“Hello, I appreciate that you feel having my forgiveness may help you close the door on this but I’m afraid that’s not something that I can help with. I’m glad you’re working on yourself with a therapist and I truly hope that your child never has to endure what I did as a child”.

You could respond and say I hope your child never has to deal with anyone like you

Yes, would she forgive someone who treated her child that way?

Don’t reply OP. Leave it another 10 years then send her a message out of the blue and tell her what she did to you. She how she likes being contacted when she’s just trying to get on with her life.
So sorry this happened to you.

Keep it very simple. “Do not contact me again.”

Nothing else. She is doing this to make herself feel better, she is not thinking about you at all. You don’t owe her anything.

100% ignore. She needs to live with the consequences, it’s not your job to reassure her.
Delete message and move on..

Isn't this what they tell alcoholics on the 12 step to do? To write out a list of those that have been hurt by their behaviour and apologise?

So if someone is told fuck off as PP are suggesting when they do get in touch how does anyone atone for their behaviour? How does anyone grow?

I appreciate it isn't your job to do that for her OP but she was a child when she did these things and now is looking at her behaviour through the lens of an adult.
I was brutally bullied throughout my secondary school years, all five years were hell.
But if my bullies contacted me now I would forgive them.
Because it releases me from holding onto that shit. Staying angry about it years on keeps someone trapped in that loop and forgiving them wouldn't mean I forget what they did or that it's ok, but it releases me from that situation. It's only me that stays hurt by holding onto it.
Forgiving this bully wouldn't be about them, it would be about you. Let it go.

How else does anyone move on from stuff?