To tell my high school bully to jog on?!

[whattheheckkk]

Name changed for this one. Really random.

In high school (over 15 years ago) I was subjected to the most atrocious bullying by the same girl. I was pretty well liked overall, never really had a problem with anyone. I wasn't popular, had a little quiet friendship group.
Except this one girl. I did nothing to her, but when we were about 12 she decided she hated me, and she made my life hell. She was racist towards me, she called me fat, she poured a can of Coke into my school bag during PE. She put chewing gum in my hair. She spat on my lunch whilst I was eating it. She stole my blazer and trashed it. Told me to kill myself. She even flicked boiling hot metal from a soldering onto my hands during electronics class. Much more but you get the jist. She had a little possy of friends who all laughed.

My friends always told me to ignore her, but we were all kind of too quiet to say anything to her- she was scary tbh. I never let on to anyone, but she gave me the worst anxiety. I would rush to the toilet to vomit if she looked at me a certain way in the hallways. I'd cry myself to sleep about it. She never had a reason to hate me. I never told my parents or teachers. I don't know why, I don't really have an answer to that.

Anyway. Fast forward. She messaged me 3 days ago. Saying something along the lines of:

Hi. I know this is a really strange thing to do and I know you probably never wanted to hear from me again. But then went on to explain that she'd had a child a number of years ago and physically cannot get past the way she treated me. How she looks at her child and feels sick because of how scared and upset I must have been of her etc.. and she's terrified of someone treating her child the same way.

She then proceeded to tell me she had been in a really bad depressive pit and has sought professional therapy, where the topic of me came up. Her therapist told her reaching out to me may be a way to close a door. Which I get, kind of- but holy fucking shit- she literally nearly killed me as a teen.

There was a lot more to the message, she gave reasons for the way she treated me( bad home life apparently, which I do sympathise with) but then went on to say that of course it was no excuse. She couldn't make me forgive her and I didn't have to but it would 'help her close a chapter' 🙃 if I did. I haven't replied. To be honest I've been spiralling a bit since the message. I don't know why, I'm a grown woman, married, my own house and career, my own children.

I did speak to my sister (who knew of the abuse as I'd told her years later). She basically told me not to reply and that she could bugger off. Part of me feels sorry for her, but I'm a huge empath. Anyway. This is a massive muddle of a message. What would you do?

Just thanking doesn't always work.

I tried that. Then got deluged with more messages...I tried to telling the person that I could barely remember her, that it was a very long time ago...Kept pestering me. She was insistent that she wanted to forgive her.

I would send s quick message and then block, To whoever you are, find peace and be a better person

I had one of my bullies contact me out of the blue 20 odd years later to apologise for the way she treated me at school.

i did respond and told her exactly how she made me feel all those years ago, to the extent that I thought about ending it all.

Said that I had forgiven her a number of years ago in order to move on myself from the past. Shared that although I forgave her, I could never forget the pain they caused.

She said that although she couldn’t change what had happened in the past, she was trying to make a difference now and in the future by teaching her children to be more aware of others and not to pick on them for their differences.

We haven’t communicated since that day, but it did leave me feeling a lot lighter having had
an honest conversation acknowledging the past, and knowing that she recognise the pain that she caused.

Only you know deep down if you are ready to have a conversation with your bully. That time might be never. If you do, and feel that you are able to forgive, you’ll definitely feel a weight lift and the past doesn’t holds you back as much as it did. It’s ok to forgive and still feel pain. That takes longer to resolve.

Whatever you decide to do, hold your head up high and know that you have got to this stage in your life through your own sheer determination and strength, regardless of others trying to hold you back.

I’m thinking she may have used the therapy thing as an excuse to contact you.
however you decide to go forward, I hope it can bring you some peace that this women clearly is trying to change for the better and is acknowledging that she was a bully and treated you horrendously. Some people never see themselves in that light and are incapable of admitting they have behaved poorly.

I’d write “OK” or “Ta”. Something so short she’s left guessing and it doesn’t give her any closure at all! Don’t even bother to block her.

I’m so sorry you had to deal with that at school. Would you get satisfaction out of saying something, or would you feel shit? I’m not sure any response would make you feel better and you’re the only one who matters in this. How many years ago were you bullied - how fucked up do you have to be that it takes that long to reach an epiphany that you were an absolute c* for a long time. It wasn’t a one-off bad day or misunderstanding - it was fucked up, contrived and continuous. She’s done what she needs for her closure - only reply if it will help you. I think blocking is probably best. If it’s a genuine apology, she needs nothing back from you.

I saw my bully just over a year ago. I wasn’t in her class as she was a couple of years older than me, so it was more a lunchtime or threatening to get me after school. It started when she stopped at my lunch table with a racist rant to me one day and after that would push me around and namecall. She had a sidekick too who just followed her around simpering. I plucked up the courage to tell my head of year one day when she’d threatened to do some pretty unspeakable things to me after school. There was a small window in the door to his office. Her and her sidekick walked past and he ducked down and stuck his fingers up at her behind the door. That was the level of help I got. I was terrified. Spineless git. He let me go home early that day though. I don’t know why I didn’t tell my parents - they were incredibly supportive. I think I was partly ashamed, partly worried it would escalate and partly thought it was pointless as in my head, school had already shown they’d do nothing.

I saw her at my child’s school fete. I wasn’t 100% sure it was her at first. She looked pretty harmless and the years had not been kind. I didn’t really feel anything - it was like looking at a different person. Later she was at the stall next to me and gave me a nod and a smile of recognition, but I think she just thought she knew me from somewhere. I just looked away. I think if someone is a racist, vicious, bullying c* as a teen, they’re probably just better at hiding it as an adult.

Why on earth would you wish that on her daughter? Her daughter isn't responsible for her mother's appalling behaviour. That would be a terrible thing to write and make you little better than the bullying mother.

I think as someone said, you should do what will make you feel best. But I think I would tell her the truth:

‘Dear Nasty, I’m sorry you had a difficult home life. However, your treatment of me was appalling. I used to be physically sick at school and cry myself to sleep. How could you behave like that? You should be concerned about your child, because it is true and awful people can behave like you did.

I’m glad you’ve come to your senses now, but little can make up for the abuse you inflicted on me. Luckily I’m a happy grown woman now, but you should feel extremely ashamed of your behaviour. I wish we could present your actions publicly and then you would face the real judgement and backlash, but unfortunately it was something I had to live through 15 years ago.

To be honest, I wish you the worst, and that is what you deserve.’

I would say something.. why should she get away with just receiving silence.

I do get maybe the last sentence is a bit much 🫢

"...cannot get past the way she treated me..."

Good - That makes two of us!

<then block>

(or, at least, that's how I'll be responding if either of my two main bullies try something like that.)

I would write her a letter and post it to get it off your chest how you were treated , how it made you feel and how it affected your life. And forgiveness would not come into it just acknowledgement of what happened to you. And yes state how you would not like it to happen to anybody else's child because of the destruction it caused for you. And yes you are glad she reached out as you can now explode the torment you had. And a simple letter ending.

If she's really sorry she should be trying to make sure she teaches her child to be kind to others, not worrying about how others treat her child.

Because silence is extremely powerful. Unfortunately, not many people realise this.

So she's basically trauma dumped on you as part of her therapy, so that's 2 lots of shit your head has to deal with

Tell her to fuck right off, you're not here to make her feel better whilst you're still affected by her appalling behaviour towards you

Wouldn't touch this with a ten foot pole. First a real therapist wouldn't give that kind of advice. Therapists are not there 'to give advice.' Likely possibilties are:

i) the therapist is imaginary ii) the 'therapist' is a 'life coach' or some other type of self-appointed fraud or charlatan

Then you said you were an 'empath.' What scared me most about this message was that I detected the first moves from the bully in forming a new copdendency. Manipulators often make their victims feel that they are somehow responsible for the manipulator's problems.

I feel her motivation in contacting you is entirely selfish and at worst, attempting to lure you back into her influence. At best I would send a 'good for you' message if you must, and then block, block block.

I agree with this, the therapist was wrong to have advised her to contact you unsolicited because this has triggered you. I would find out who her therapist is, write a letter of complaint and report them.

She's apologizing, so...
I would list off all the things I could remember that she did and how it made me feel. I'd tell her it was fucking hell.
Then I'd thank her for reaching out after all these years and wish her well as a mum.
I don't think I'd offer forgiveness. I'd leave it at that.

I’d be pretty honest without being overly rude, or exposing yourself to further hurt.
“I understand your reasons for this ill advised attempt to make contact with me, however I feel unable to offer you anything to support your personal therapy journey.
Please do not contact me again”.

Then block her.

Just wondering how this person got your contact details after so many years.

Ive got a specially made up email for people like her. It is headed "Mail transmission error" and goes to one of those gobbledegook messages about "mailbox unavailable". I reserve it for people I dont want to communicate with. As I am on very few social media platforms and not under my personal name it serves to cut off such unwanted communication.

The OP has already said how.

You don't owe her anything. Do whats best for you.

Her therapist told her reaching out to me may be a way to close a door.
Either she is lying or she has a shit therapist.
Leopards, like cunts, never change their spots.
She is a colossal selfish cunt. 💯
She crawl out from behind a rock and emerged to close her chapter on being a vile human. So sorry is all it takes.
Fuck that.

I'd be inclined to say:

"I'm sorry, I'm afraid you must have mistaken me for someone else. I don't recall you from my school years at all."

Then block her if she replies further.

Seriously, she was a lot of trouble in those days and is likely to be just as horrible an intrusion now, if given any attention.

It’s all well and good her discovering some kind of enlightenment and hopefully she’ll pass that on to her kid, but like others have said, this is all about her and her need for forgiveness and closure. After the shit you endured? I wouldn’t be so magnanimous as to give it.

I was going with "tell your therapist from me that this was a shit idea" but this is much better worded.

its not what would we do, its what you want to do. you are not that bullied child anymore, what advice would you give to your younger self in this situation. you are and were never the problem. you've had a life and a family, she still doesn't care about you, she is just trying to make herself feel better for being a arsehole. you have three options
have a rant tell her everything she did and how it affected you ( she's not really interested she just wants you to say what she did was ok and that it didn't effect you)
ignore and block her ( let her live with the nagging guilt of what she did)
or
forgive her.

i personally would block and ignore she is not worth your time but you do whats right for you x