To tell my high school bully to jog on?!

[whattheheckkk]

Name changed for this one. Really random.

In high school (over 15 years ago) I was subjected to the most atrocious bullying by the same girl. I was pretty well liked overall, never really had a problem with anyone. I wasn't popular, had a little quiet friendship group.
Except this one girl. I did nothing to her, but when we were about 12 she decided she hated me, and she made my life hell. She was racist towards me, she called me fat, she poured a can of Coke into my school bag during PE. She put chewing gum in my hair. She spat on my lunch whilst I was eating it. She stole my blazer and trashed it. Told me to kill myself. She even flicked boiling hot metal from a soldering onto my hands during electronics class. Much more but you get the jist. She had a little possy of friends who all laughed.

My friends always told me to ignore her, but we were all kind of too quiet to say anything to her- she was scary tbh. I never let on to anyone, but she gave me the worst anxiety. I would rush to the toilet to vomit if she looked at me a certain way in the hallways. I'd cry myself to sleep about it. She never had a reason to hate me. I never told my parents or teachers. I don't know why, I don't really have an answer to that.

Anyway. Fast forward. She messaged me 3 days ago. Saying something along the lines of:

Hi. I know this is a really strange thing to do and I know you probably never wanted to hear from me again. But then went on to explain that she'd had a child a number of years ago and physically cannot get past the way she treated me. How she looks at her child and feels sick because of how scared and upset I must have been of her etc.. and she's terrified of someone treating her child the same way.

She then proceeded to tell me she had been in a really bad depressive pit and has sought professional therapy, where the topic of me came up. Her therapist told her reaching out to me may be a way to close a door. Which I get, kind of- but holy fucking shit- she literally nearly killed me as a teen.

There was a lot more to the message, she gave reasons for the way she treated me( bad home life apparently, which I do sympathise with) but then went on to say that of course it was no excuse. She couldn't make me forgive her and I didn't have to but it would 'help her close a chapter' 🙃 if I did. I haven't replied. To be honest I've been spiralling a bit since the message. I don't know why, I'm a grown woman, married, my own house and career, my own children.

I did speak to my sister (who knew of the abuse as I'd told her years later). She basically told me not to reply and that she could bugger off. Part of me feels sorry for her, but I'm a huge empath. Anyway. This is a massive muddle of a message. What would you do?

No I wouldn’t give her that closure. She was old enough to know exactly what she was doing and how she was making you feel at the time. The price she pays for her behaviour is the way she feels now and it is not your job to help alleviate that guilt.
You could not reply at all, leave her on read, that gets the message across. Or respond saying you’re not prepared to give her the forgiveness or closure she wants from you because that’s her job to find closure, not yours. But I would absolutely not be offering a morsel of empathy or forgiveness.

Another part of the victim's post is "she seems to have vanished after publishing so much". Ouch!

Love it. Now just wait for "Bully has left the group". 😂

That's at least 4 people that the bully has contacted now. Crumbs.

Based on what I'm seeing from the OP and others in this thread, it really does seem to back up the idea that this asking for forgiveness malarkey is a trend.

Not just alcoholics anonymous, but alanon and alateen too (similar groups but fir the families of AA members)

My dad, a member of alanon, called me completely out of the blue one day to "apologise for any way he had hurt me". I was in the middle of getting ready for work, it took me completely by surprise, and he was very unspecific and his apology completely generic. He could have used the same wording for any one.

It did nothing for me and made me feel like nothing more than a box that had just been ticked, like he'd crossed me off his list and he'd be all better soon, now that he'd completed another task on the list - "almost there now, well done me!!"

I don't know if he maybe didn't do it right or something but it seemed a pretty pointless venture.

If she truly was a suffering child then her getting therapy is a wise move - and nothing to do with you.

I'd answer with the truth, just as you've described it. What she chose to do of her own free will, each individual assault she committed, how it made you feel physically, mentally and emotionally.

I'd tell her that her healing is not your responsibility, and you will not be emotionally manipulated into making her feel better.

And that she deserves the worry she feels for her own daughter.

She can make some amends not by trying to rake it all up for you once again, but by ensuring that, unlike you, her own child knows how to deal with bullies, who to turn to and how to get help, so she never has to suffer from a bully like her own mother.

Then tell her to leave you alone and block.

Really sounds like unresolved childhood trauma here.

I’d consider replying with this. Or ignore her. How completely selfish of the bully.

I get it OP, sorry you went through all that, I think this response is natural even though your life is in a very different place: don’t reply.

What a disgraceful message from her. It’s all about her and her kid. Bugger all about you.

I would definitely not reply - just completely ignore.

She wants your forgiveness for herself - to close the chapter (wtf) and to feel that her sins are erased. It’s all about her. I doubt a therapist told her to send that. It’s just so selfish.

Silence is best here.

Exactly this! IMO this is for HER absolution! Why should she feel better for making someone elses life pure hell!
Whatever you decide, please take the time to decide what YOU feel would be appropriate for you.
I'm just so sorry you ever had to suffer so hideously at such a young age. Heartbreaking! Big hug x

It's giving my name is earl... Maybe therapists are bulk watching it for therapy ideas nowadays!

This!

The fact she’s reaching out so that SHE can gain closure is selfish. Therefore, I wouldn’t respond and I’d block her. Why should you have to relive all the trauma so that she is able to gain closure? No.

Good God. You poor thing.

I would absolutely ignore though. DO NOT get in contact!!

This is all about her happiness and not yours - her therapist thinks she can find closure by basically hoping you’ll just forgive her and she can move on and never have to think about you again. She doesn’t care a jot about you unfortunately.

I don't know how I would react. You don't have to forgive her. At the same time, I think things in this world can never get any better if apologies aren't accepted or acknowledged in some way. Yes, it could be because the bully wants to feel better. But that in itself is a good sign, isn't it? They've said they know what they did was wrong. It's hard to forgive. It really is. I understand that. But writing a nasty message back isn't going to make anyone fel any better. It's vengeful. I would just say, "I read you message and acknowledge your apology. I hope you are able to pass on to your daughter how important it is to show kindness to others." You don't have to forgive. You don't have to forget. But, in general, I don't think we can get anywhere in life if we can't communicate with some sort of end-goal and the end-goal has got to be trying to create a better world for our children, hasn't it? I would acknowledge it, wish her child well, but maybe ask for no further contact. I think that would be the perfect response. Buy you should definitely do whatever causes you the least amount of pain.

She's doing it for herself. She wants you to relieve her from any guilt as she says it's to "help HER close this chapter". And keeps referring it back to her fears with HER child over it sounding like a sincere apology over what she endured you to.
I might be nit picking but I don't like how she worded it, it comes across to me that the benefit of this message is all for her wellbeing over yours..
Is she truly apologetic or worried that karma is coming to bite her?

What would I do.

I'd reply and say as you have aged you've clearly had the capacity to get fucking worse

Id say, youre a cunt. You were a cunt then. You've always been a cunt. Now you're probably just an even bigger cunt.

Id tell her I hope someone bullies the living daylights out of her daughter and tell her just how much she tormented you and terrorized, you.

I wouldn't absolve her feelings or allow her to purge herself of grief or remorse.Id make her feel worse. But that's me.

I would say ‘sorry who are you ?’

You do not have to forgive her OP. I would respond though - I couldn't help myself as it would eat away at me knowing I didn't - I do understand the people saying to block but I wouldn't be able to.

Just respond factually, she made your life hell and that you are glad she's acknowledged that and you really hope nothing like this happens to her child. Wish her well and then block.

You could just ignore her though but she sounds like she's trying to make amends and put the work in to change - that does not mean that you need to forgive or forget but actually this is what we want people to do surely? Rehabilitate and atone.

Jesus Christ. You hope her daughter gets bullied and traumatised like the OP? Im so sorry for whoever hurt you but honestly I think you need some therapy.

I dunno. I'm not a particularly agreeable person but honestly I'd probably take the high road here and just thank her for her message. I think it took guts for her to write it, and that you might also feel better if you met it with the same energy.

But it's your decision, obvs. No one could blame you for ignoring it.

I wouldn't reply. She'll.juat have to get over or..And there is the small chance its not even true..Just leave it. You dont have to engage with her. It might throw up too.much bad stuff for you.

I had a similarly horrid bully, absolutely no reason to even speak to me let alone hate me, year above and chunky, so physically intimidating too.
After school, uni etc., I settled in a location close to home town with now-husband, who became a police officer.
I had the pure unadulterated joy of my husband telling me one morning, after a night shift, how he'd arrested someone who recognised his name (we joined names) and asked to say hello.

Did I feel sympathy when I heard how her life had ended up? Did I fuck, it allowed me to move past the 'why me' I'd been carrying and I'm not ashamed to say I felt happy.

OP please don't feel you have any responsibility to help or assist this bully. Allow yourself to do what's best for you and your family and put her in a metaphorical box on the shelf.

Agree