To tell my high school bully to jog on?!

[whattheheckkk]

Name changed for this one. Really random.

In high school (over 15 years ago) I was subjected to the most atrocious bullying by the same girl. I was pretty well liked overall, never really had a problem with anyone. I wasn't popular, had a little quiet friendship group.
Except this one girl. I did nothing to her, but when we were about 12 she decided she hated me, and she made my life hell. She was racist towards me, she called me fat, she poured a can of Coke into my school bag during PE. She put chewing gum in my hair. She spat on my lunch whilst I was eating it. She stole my blazer and trashed it. Told me to kill myself. She even flicked boiling hot metal from a soldering onto my hands during electronics class. Much more but you get the jist. She had a little possy of friends who all laughed.

My friends always told me to ignore her, but we were all kind of too quiet to say anything to her- she was scary tbh. I never let on to anyone, but she gave me the worst anxiety. I would rush to the toilet to vomit if she looked at me a certain way in the hallways. I'd cry myself to sleep about it. She never had a reason to hate me. I never told my parents or teachers. I don't know why, I don't really have an answer to that.

Anyway. Fast forward. She messaged me 3 days ago. Saying something along the lines of:

Hi. I know this is a really strange thing to do and I know you probably never wanted to hear from me again. But then went on to explain that she'd had a child a number of years ago and physically cannot get past the way she treated me. How she looks at her child and feels sick because of how scared and upset I must have been of her etc.. and she's terrified of someone treating her child the same way.

She then proceeded to tell me she had been in a really bad depressive pit and has sought professional therapy, where the topic of me came up. Her therapist told her reaching out to me may be a way to close a door. Which I get, kind of- but holy fucking shit- she literally nearly killed me as a teen.

There was a lot more to the message, she gave reasons for the way she treated me( bad home life apparently, which I do sympathise with) but then went on to say that of course it was no excuse. She couldn't make me forgive her and I didn't have to but it would 'help her close a chapter' 🙃 if I did. I haven't replied. To be honest I've been spiralling a bit since the message. I don't know why, I'm a grown woman, married, my own house and career, my own children.

I did speak to my sister (who knew of the abuse as I'd told her years later). She basically told me not to reply and that she could bugger off. Part of me feels sorry for her, but I'm a huge empath. Anyway. This is a massive muddle of a message. What would you do?

So sorry this happened to you, it’s about you and not her. Never allow her to make it about her.

Yup. This.

The most important thing is that you do what feels right for you, to protect and nurture yourself right now.

In your position I might write a number of letters to her, none of which I'd necessarily send - though I might. For me it would feel therapeutic to write down exactly what I felt, things I may not feel able to say aloud or could barely face up to thinking, such as 'How dare you use me to 'close a chapter' in your life without even a passing thought about how I might feel or how my needs might be met by you reopening that chapter of my own life, not knowing whether i have the support in place to cope with your presence in my life again? You had no right then and you have no right now to use me to make yourself feel better. Clearly, you haven't changed at all. I hope that chapter stays open and raw for you forever, as it should. You deserve to remain bitterly ashamed and disgusted by your behaviour and while I hope your child never has molten iron flicked on her while classmates laugh at her pain, while I hope she doesn't get told to kill herself by someone who sounds like they really mean it or have chewed gum stuck into her hair, while I hope she never vomits from fear at having to go to school with a cruel and relentless maniac, I do hope that you stay terrified these things might happen to her, so you can understand some tiny part of the sick dread I suffered daily.

I'd want to send something like that. I hate that bullies think they can get away with what they do then say sorry and skip off without having to actually be confronted properly. I think it is phenomenally telling of her character that she seeks you out again to help herself feel better. A different version of the same thing - your feelings don't matter or exist, your needs or support system are immaterial: she needs and wants something and is using you to help herself feel better. No change there. I'm glad she feels lousy. I hope that feeling doesn't go away.

If one of my bullies told me that, it would make my decade.

Obviously I would hope that it never actually happens to this persons child, but if anyone who bullied me felt awful about it now, that would be just great - a tiny bit of karma. Sadly I imagine they don't even think about it.

I wouldn’t rush to make a decision. I don’t think a therapist would advise either, ex classmate clearly brought it up. In these situations the only person that will feel better is the bully if you forgive. But for you she has brought up a whole lot of trauma from the past. I had a similar messsge from an ex I did reply and he reached out a few times. But I felt like he was offloading and I didn’t invite it. It also wobbled me even though it was years since it happened. Also she may have had a bad upbringing etc kids like that often project but she had no clue what you were going through at home either!

‘Get to fuck’ should suffice, before blocking her.

I understand all the "hard no" responses but your post seems to show that you need some space to properly discuss/think/ reflect on this tbh....and I'm not sure this comment thread is the place to do that.
You were treated abominably and it was an abusive situation- this is true.
But, and I say this v cautiously, she sounds like she was v damaged and is now trying to resolve it in some way.
Could you say something about how you're shocked to hear from her and that you need time to process and you'll get in touch if and or when you're ready.
I'm concerned that if you do the hard no, then you might lose the opportunity for closure yourself. It sounds like it's been v triggering for you and it therefore sounds like it has power over you, which isn't ideal, is it? So, leaving some option open would give you an opportunity to respond to her at some point in the future, which might actually be healing for you.
I've worked with a lot of survivors of abuse over the years in MH settings and many spend years wondering why they're abusers did what they did. Your bully has been in touch and started to answer those Qs and it might help you to find closure.
I hope you have ppl to talk to IRL. Because what you went through is truly awful and you should be as kind to yourself as you can be.

This is good advice. You don't have to respond at all but wait and see what you feel in a few days or weeks' time.

There is a power to forgiveness that you might find therapeutic if it truly would help you let go of emotions connected with what happened.

But you can allow that forgiveness to happen without telling her too.

Also, as others have said, you don't know if she's really a reformed character or if a therapist is behind it at all.

If you do reply, I'd keep it brief and neutral so that it brings closure for YOU.

Something like: 'I acknowledge your apology and share your hope that your child never goes through what you put me through.'

I wouldn't be vitriolic back, that will make you feel worse.

And then block her.

This is good.

I’d reply.

Oh Wow! Hi Sarah, I’m amazed to hear from you, I was hoping you had died. But you’re a mother now. Poor poor child having a piece of shit like you as a Mum. Like you said, let’s pray to god your child doesn’t encounter someone in school like you. Remember that time you spat on my lunch? And ripped my blazer? And burnt me with the soldering iron? And the time you poured Coke in my school bag? And that time you put chewing gum in my hair? Remember how you always told me to kill myself? I mean, I could go on, but that’s what’s just sprung to mind. I went to bed every night fearing you and genuinely contemplating whether to end my life.

I have nothing else to say to you, so I would continue with the therapy. Feel free to forward this message to your therapist. There will be a lot to unpick at your next session.

I would probably reply saying thanks for her reply and i really hope that her daughter doesn't get bullied at school, by having someone put chewing gum in her hair, burn her, spit on her food, and list everything she did.. with a 😊
Then block

I have forgiven my bully. She didn't contact me to help herself as such, just to say that she was sorry for how she had acted and that she had tried to make herself feel better by pulling others down, especially people who had loving families, were doing well at school etc - things she didn't have but wanted. For me it has been incredibly healing and has allowed me to really move forward with my self esteem and confidence but it is a journey not a destination and it's not for everyone. Especially given the seemingly selfish motive only you can make that decision and you may or may not change your mind with time. In a way it's karma because you hold the cards now. The statue has become the pigeon and your bully will know that.

If I responded (not responding will have an impact) I'd say something like "I wish you and your family the life that you deserve " and block her on everything.

Thanks. I grew up in a big family full of passive aggressive arseholes so I am really good at it - mostly when I don't want to be!

I would forgive her. It takes a bigger person to apologise and it must have bothered her so much over the years. Also her behaviour was only ever a reflection of how unhappy she was, not a flaw within you but within her.
Forgive and don't give it or her a second thought.

I would do whatever would mean she couldn’t “close the door”. What an absolute cow and trying to absolve herself of guilt by putting you through the wash.

Reply saying that her message was very interesting and that on reflection you think a positive way forward would be for her to donate £1000 to Victim Support. (Then block.)

... I'm being a bit facetious, but do think that words are cheap. If she really means it, she can do something that will be hard to do, that also helps others.

Sorry OP for the awful situation she put you in.

I would write back, “Don’t ever try to contact me again.” Then block her. One typical response of bullies is usually “I tried to reach out they didn’t want to listen. It’s not my problem.” And they go on with their lives learning nothing or get angry about it. She may be spiralling and will lash out next contact.

I am a mum and still feel equally disgusted with bullies pre-baby and after.

Individual portions of beef wellington with foraged mushrooms?

You need to close the empath box that you have in you.

make your decision based on what suits you best.

not her.

you could say.

I’m not responsible for closing this chapter, I’m glad you realised how traumatising and a bully you were.

good luck with your therapy.

Love this one

Me too. It was horrible, and I'll not forgive since I'll not forget.

@whattheheckkk So, now, finally, all these years later, she's feeling bad and she wants you to make her feel better. Don't do it OP. Don't reply to her at all. If you reply (in whatever vein you might choose) you will be rewarding her - giving her the attention she's demanding of you. Why would you do that? Why should you do that? Delete her message and continue your life as if you'd never heard from her. Remove her from your thoughts permanently.
GIVE. HER. NOTHING.

I can tell you from my own experience that this really works - and you will expend zero energy on someone who doesn't deserve it.

I would HAVE to reply. You owe it to your 13 year old self to respond. Not responding will relieve her of her guilt somewhat. She’ll always think well I tried to apologise but she didn’t reply.

Don’t let her off the hook.

If it were me I would rip her apart, I was a quiet teenager who wouldn’t say boo to a goose but fuck me, now I’d go for it.

I had a weird situation where one of my bullies messaged me asking for forgiveness, prior to a school reunion.

We're both now 65.

At the reunion, she came breezing up to me: 'I do apologise for anything I did."

I just replied "Okay..." and she moved off, looking really pleased with herself. I found out that she'd approached two other victims.

Apparently, there's some kind of "asking for forgiveness" Tik Tok trend at the moment, related to some film that's been quite popular?

Your bully is only interested in herself, OP, same as mine. They just want to make themselves feel better.