To tell my high school bully to jog on?!

[whattheheckkk]

Name changed for this one. Really random.

In high school (over 15 years ago) I was subjected to the most atrocious bullying by the same girl. I was pretty well liked overall, never really had a problem with anyone. I wasn't popular, had a little quiet friendship group.
Except this one girl. I did nothing to her, but when we were about 12 she decided she hated me, and she made my life hell. She was racist towards me, she called me fat, she poured a can of Coke into my school bag during PE. She put chewing gum in my hair. She spat on my lunch whilst I was eating it. She stole my blazer and trashed it. Told me to kill myself. She even flicked boiling hot metal from a soldering onto my hands during electronics class. Much more but you get the jist. She had a little possy of friends who all laughed.

My friends always told me to ignore her, but we were all kind of too quiet to say anything to her- she was scary tbh. I never let on to anyone, but she gave me the worst anxiety. I would rush to the toilet to vomit if she looked at me a certain way in the hallways. I'd cry myself to sleep about it. She never had a reason to hate me. I never told my parents or teachers. I don't know why, I don't really have an answer to that.

Anyway. Fast forward. She messaged me 3 days ago. Saying something along the lines of:

Hi. I know this is a really strange thing to do and I know you probably never wanted to hear from me again. But then went on to explain that she'd had a child a number of years ago and physically cannot get past the way she treated me. How she looks at her child and feels sick because of how scared and upset I must have been of her etc.. and she's terrified of someone treating her child the same way.

She then proceeded to tell me she had been in a really bad depressive pit and has sought professional therapy, where the topic of me came up. Her therapist told her reaching out to me may be a way to close a door. Which I get, kind of- but holy fucking shit- she literally nearly killed me as a teen.

There was a lot more to the message, she gave reasons for the way she treated me( bad home life apparently, which I do sympathise with) but then went on to say that of course it was no excuse. She couldn't make me forgive her and I didn't have to but it would 'help her close a chapter' 🙃 if I did. I haven't replied. To be honest I've been spiralling a bit since the message. I don't know why, I'm a grown woman, married, my own house and career, my own children.

I did speak to my sister (who knew of the abuse as I'd told her years later). She basically told me not to reply and that she could bugger off. Part of me feels sorry for her, but I'm a huge empath. Anyway. This is a massive muddle of a message. What would you do?

She doesn't deserve the courtesy of a reply.
Forgiveness is a very personal process.
You may never want to forgive her and that is your choice.
You owe her nothing and she can wrestle with her own conscience.

It's not your responsibility to make her feel better. Block and ignore.

Or: "Who Dis?"

You do nothing except delete and block.

What a CF! Please tell me you then went out to the car park and opened the valves on all her tyres ... 😉

I think I'd have to leave the message unanswered. Although she was young, she did you permanent damage and you owe her fuck all. Sorry this happened to you, I was bullied at school too and I know the damage it can do. But you'd be taking the high road if you just ignored, imo, which might be more satisfying in the long run.

Absolutely this 👆 all day long. (The silence kills them.)

I don't think I'd respond. It's far too late to make any positive difference to you. It's all about her and her needs. Let's say she honestly feels remorse for her awful behaviour, all these years later. Well, she can 'sit with that' (to use some therapy jargon) and deal with it herself. You had to deal with far worse from her, when you were only a child. I wouldn't rub salt in her theoretical wound with a cutting reply, but I wouldn't feel obliged to offer a healing balm, either.

Oh good grief. This is exactly how my bully contacted me - via Messenger.

I initially thought that she was someone else, which is why I replied.

It's always "bad home life" isn't it? And the school encourages this thinking! My dd was bullied by a girl they said she had a bad home life her dad wasn't involved much even though he lived with them they said that to my face while I was sitting with dds STEPFATHER and her biological dad wasn't anywhere near and hadn't been for years like who TF do you think your talking to about an absent father?

So I sent my sons to a different school thinking they would be different? No ds got bullied they said it was because of his home life his mother was struggling to raise him by herself and work she had limited family support (her mom watched him daily) said to my face when I had worked a forty hour week with two kids in wraparound because I had zero family support ..... read the room?

Anyway I was bullied spat on had chewing gum shoved in my hair the works i saw one of my bullies looking like she was dying couldn't bring myself to hate her another one is my friend on Facebook her daughter was bullied at school I think she learned her lesson from that

I'm too old now to hold a grudge but im old enough to not forget what people have done it honestly sounds like she doesn't regret a damm thing until it might effect her though

Absolutely this. Give no response at all. It will kill her being ignored. There is that old saying 'I'd rather be hated than ignored.' And it's very profound. Being ignored basically means you mean NOTHING to the person you're contacting. They don't give a single flying fuck about you, and you are not worth a second of oxygen to them. Just block this school bully @whattheheckkk Anything you say can - and probably WILL be used against you. As I said, she will screenshot your words, and mock you on social media. Don't give her ammo!

She's basically using you to make herself feel better and that it didn't actually affect you int he horrendous way that it did. We're all capable of doing bad things but when we inflict pain onto others we don't get to decide whether they forgive or not. If it makes her feel bad then that's on her, they were her actions not yours.

No. She doesn’t deserve your forgiveness

This is a great answer. I would add “Please do not contact me again” at the end.

I think if you decide to forgive her, she doesn’t need to know that you do.

I had this when I was about 35 after being bullied throughout high school.

I forgave them because I realised I really did. I had my own almost high school age child who sometimes said and did things that were mean, impulsive, not thought through. I realised teenagers are self absorbed and can be vile. Not all become bullies of course. But my bully had grown up, reflected and took a big chance in saying sorry. Yes, partly to make themselves feel better but also because they’d realised how awful they’d been. We didn’t live in the same town anymore so not likely to see each other so there was no risk of an awkward meeting.

They said sorry and I decided not to hold a 15 year olds action against them as an adult. I felt quite a weight lifting that I hadn’t realised I still carried.

My knee jerk reaction would be to tell her to fuck right off.

I wouldn’t accept her apology, tbh - and that’s not something I’d ever do lightly because I think a genuine apology can take a lot of courage.

Shes hoping that by you forgiving her, she won’t feel as bad about being an absolutely vile little cunt to you. You don’t owe her that.

This isn’t a case of bitchy remarks here and there, this is horrendous bullying and made me feel sick reading about it. I am so, so sorry you went through that.

If you feel better ignoring her and blocking her, then do that. Personally, I’m the kind of person who would have to have my say and I’d probably say something like - I don’t accept your apology and you’re correct, your treatment of me was abhorrent and you made me miserable, unhappy and left me riddled with trauma. Maybe your punishment for that is worrying that the same could happen to your child. I sincerely hope it never does, because nobody else should ever have to suffer what I did, and the purgatory of worry that you live in is what they call ✨ karma ✨

Whilst I understand that having shit going on behind closed doors can cause bullies to behave like this, her behaviour goes way beyond bullying - it’s absolutely disgusting and she never took one second to consider whether you could be going through your own shit, too.

I think she’s a cunt. Some bullies can be forgiven. For me, she went beyond those realms when she spat in your lunch as you ate it and burned you with molten metal. That’s evil.

I would reply “I hope your child never suffers how you made me suffer” then block.

I would compose a list of every single incident and text her one at a time, one a day during school hours. Phrase it like it's happening to her kid. Today lucy is watching the bully spit in her lunch... keep going until you've done them all, she will have to relive each separate incident. Don't be mean just say the facts.

That said OP do what makes YOU feel better. Whatever that is, you have the power now. It must feel good to know what happened has hurt her too.

I think I'd want her to know exactly how you felt as a child having that threat hanging over you every single day, especially if you never reported her or confronted her, she probably doesn't realise the half of it. Detail everything you've said here, lay it all out in a matter of fact way.

Then tell her you genuinely hope her child never encounters anyone like her in school, who goes out of her way to make her feel frightened every single day in what should be a safe space, but you will never be able to forgive her for what she put you through.

Then block her.

She doesn't deserve your acceptance.

You dont owe her anything. Personally I wouldn't reply. I wouldn't react either, i'd ignore. She can absolutely jog on.

She sent a follow-up message about our "brief conversation". Conversation?!
I've ignored it.

A week after the reunion, a school year WhatsApp group has been set up. I'm still in it, but I'm ignoring any comments made by her.

The thing is...I really don't remember her: she was on the periphery of the bullying group. My initial response to her first message was to tell her (truthfully) that I didn't remember her.

One time I was beaten up by three of them and I honestly have no idea as to whether or not she was one of the assailants. She must have done something to make herself feel guilty, but whether she simply joined in with the chants or something worse, I have no idea.

Hell mend her.

That is huge.

I had the exact same thing happen! I thought it brave & bold my bully reaching out to apologise, years later. It takes courage to own up to your own shitty behaviour imo.

I'd moved past it, grown up, had a great life, so I said "thanks, no hard feelings" & I genuinely meant it.

I'm at peace & that's all that matters. It's up to you to decide, but you can be the better person. But you don't have to be, nobody would blame you.

This is sensible.
its not about her feeling better its about what would make you feel less worse. You have the control back now, you have the power. Do whatever suits you and don’t be made to feel guilty or responsible for her feelings.

It’s not your responsibility to make her feel better.

I think this is a classic case of “the best answer is no answer”. Just leave her on read. It’ll drive her crazy.

This is all about her. Her closure. Making herself feel good. Her child (who I of course hope is never bullied) not being bullied.

Does she look at her child and think "I'm going to make damn sure YOU don't turn out to be a nasty bitch like me, I'm going to parent you better than I was so you don't turn it that way" doubt it. She just thinks about how she would be affected.

Tell her to piss off. Don't ignore her. Tell her. Fuck right off.