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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What are the red flags for a lustful man?

154 replies

Liz128 · 08/09/2025 17:23

I’ve been getting to know someone recently who I met off a dating app. When I first got to know him I felt like he was the greenest flag I’d ever met. He reads self development books and says he’s done a lot of self work on his toxic traits, spoke so maturely about both our previous relationships, said he loves to love, his friends say he’s very calm tempered. I like how he wasn’t afraid to make me feel amazing about myself, which some insecure men are afraid of doing. He seems very disciplined with his lifestyle, wakes up at 6am, goes gym, excelling in his career.

He told me his love language is physical touch and words of affirmation. Mine is the same, but I’m concerned he’s a lot more needy for physical attention.

On the build up to meeting him he kept asking me for lots of pictures even though he had already seen a few on my dating profile. He complimented me loads, calling me perfect and constantly wanted to see more (fully clothed photos ofc). He would also send a lot of pictures of himself. Over the phone I noticed he made a couple jokes about the bedroom.

On our first date he was a complete gentleman, opened the doors, paid for the date etc. He opened up about a lot of his problems and family issues and told me how he wants meaningful conversations with someone. He has a lot of friends but I sense some loneliness in him.

Since getting to know him, I felt like things were moving very fast. After this date the compliments continued and he started complimenting my personality too, and was pushing to see me again in a few days. Within the space of that week he had told me he loves how I carry myself, that I’m perfect, he’s so greedy for me, he could tell I was the one, he’s so sure of me, and that he can see us growing old together. I felt very overwhelmed with the attention. We were having a lot of serious talks too about the future and our compatibility which we both aligned on, so I was really starting to like him too. He told me he wants me to meet his sisters whenever I’m ready and they will tell me he has a good character.

He would randomly say how much he wants to hug, or cuddle me- bearing in mind we’d only had 2 dates and no physical touch. This just sounded like lustful behaviour. However, he said when he likes someone he’s all in on that person, so am I judging it the wrong way? He hasn’t crossed any of my boundaries and when I told him I want to take things slow and not meet up so often, he agreed and was very respectful about it. Then a few days later he sent me a topless picture of himself at the gym wearing nothing but his boxers. I just felt this was again, too early and lustful. I don’t want to end up marrying someone who can’t control their desires or prioritises the physical side of things too much.

OP posts:
JMSA · 08/09/2025 17:50

He’s lovebombing you. Sorry. Take it from me, he will be unable to sustain this and you will end up disappointed. The best and healthiest relationships are the ones that start off slowly, without all the bullshit.
I hope I’m wrong. But I highly doubt it 😁
Good luck.

Hillrunning · 08/09/2025 17:55

That full list of things that you have put aside green flags would be huge red flags for me. Argh I was so put off jsut half way through your list.

gannett · 08/09/2025 17:57

He told me his love language is physical touch

If someone says this they mean sex.

I wouldn't call it a red flag as I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting sex or prioritising it, but it's definitely a sign of someone who is, as you put it, lustful.

Liz128 · 08/09/2025 17:58

Really, how so? Haha I’m new to dating since my divorce and I thought I’d finally met a mature, self aware, and disciplined man which were all green ticks to me.

OP posts:
Remingtonsteele · 08/09/2025 18:00

“He told me his love language is physical touch and words of affirmation.”

He's gagging for it then.

susiedaisy1912 · 08/09/2025 18:01

He just sounds desperate for sex, whether lots more red flags will appear who knows but he’s desperate to get physical with you by the sounds of it.

JimCharke · 08/09/2025 18:03

But there is nothing wrong with a high sex drive? He isn't tricking you.

I mean, he's talking in crap popular therapyspeak but what he us saying is clear.

Mrsttcno1 · 08/09/2025 18:05

He’s just after a shag would also be my guess, very clear lovebombing here too- unless he’s actually 16 in which case this is all age appropriate.

Hello39 · 08/09/2025 18:06

could tell I was the one, he’s so sure of me, and that he can see us growing old together.

Massive red flags after 2 dates. Total love bombing.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 08/09/2025 18:06

Lustful though?

GardenGaff · 08/09/2025 18:10

He reads self development books and says he’s done a lot of self work on his toxic traits

These blokes who are so keen to tell you so earnestly what a good guy they are, are always a huge red flag.

InterestedDad37 · 08/09/2025 18:11

Despite 'working on his toxic traits', he sounds like he doesn't really know himself, isn't at peace with himself, and definitely just wants a shag.

MushMonster · 08/09/2025 18:11

He is definitively more physical than you. Whether that is a dealbreaker we cannot tell. Only the pair of you can tell whether you can match and align each others likes, wishes and dislikes.
On its own, it does not sound like a red flag to me, but an intense I am into you vibe. Bar for the gym picture..... that sounds like a desperate attempt, at least you two were talking about training for something, or training a certain set of muscles? And despair is a red flag...
If you are not feeling like meeting up as often as he wants, not feeling any want to kiss, hold hands, hug., then I think he is not for you. There is no pull. Maybe move on and set him free?

catsand · 08/09/2025 18:13

So many red flags here

Barrelroll · 08/09/2025 18:13

Using the phrase “love language”.

Missj25 · 08/09/2025 18:16

Liz128 · 08/09/2025 17:23

I’ve been getting to know someone recently who I met off a dating app. When I first got to know him I felt like he was the greenest flag I’d ever met. He reads self development books and says he’s done a lot of self work on his toxic traits, spoke so maturely about both our previous relationships, said he loves to love, his friends say he’s very calm tempered. I like how he wasn’t afraid to make me feel amazing about myself, which some insecure men are afraid of doing. He seems very disciplined with his lifestyle, wakes up at 6am, goes gym, excelling in his career.

He told me his love language is physical touch and words of affirmation. Mine is the same, but I’m concerned he’s a lot more needy for physical attention.

On the build up to meeting him he kept asking me for lots of pictures even though he had already seen a few on my dating profile. He complimented me loads, calling me perfect and constantly wanted to see more (fully clothed photos ofc). He would also send a lot of pictures of himself. Over the phone I noticed he made a couple jokes about the bedroom.

On our first date he was a complete gentleman, opened the doors, paid for the date etc. He opened up about a lot of his problems and family issues and told me how he wants meaningful conversations with someone. He has a lot of friends but I sense some loneliness in him.

Since getting to know him, I felt like things were moving very fast. After this date the compliments continued and he started complimenting my personality too, and was pushing to see me again in a few days. Within the space of that week he had told me he loves how I carry myself, that I’m perfect, he’s so greedy for me, he could tell I was the one, he’s so sure of me, and that he can see us growing old together. I felt very overwhelmed with the attention. We were having a lot of serious talks too about the future and our compatibility which we both aligned on, so I was really starting to like him too. He told me he wants me to meet his sisters whenever I’m ready and they will tell me he has a good character.

He would randomly say how much he wants to hug, or cuddle me- bearing in mind we’d only had 2 dates and no physical touch. This just sounded like lustful behaviour. However, he said when he likes someone he’s all in on that person, so am I judging it the wrong way? He hasn’t crossed any of my boundaries and when I told him I want to take things slow and not meet up so often, he agreed and was very respectful about it. Then a few days later he sent me a topless picture of himself at the gym wearing nothing but his boxers. I just felt this was again, too early and lustful. I don’t want to end up marrying someone who can’t control their desires or prioritises the physical side of things too much.

Hey OP ..
Firstly, slow down , how do you mean you don’t want to marry ! , you don’t even know him ..
I too am on the dating scene & whilst there is nothing wrong with him wanting you , as In being sexual , the reality is he is love bombing you to the hilt ! ..
He is WAY too full on , & I’m sorry but if this guy is geuine , I would be very , very surprised 🤷🏻‍♀️..

PashaMinaMio · 08/09/2025 18:16

It’s not what he’s saying, it’s what he’s not saying! Read between the lines. 🚩

As soon as I read your post I thought “love bombing!” Red flags.

Speaking from life experience he sounds intense, looking for a shag and then surprise surprise ghosts you.

Procede with caution.

MindytheWonderHorse · 08/09/2025 18:17

All his green flags sound like red flags to me, while the thing you think is a red flag just sounds neutral.

Hillarious · 08/09/2025 18:18

JMSA · 08/09/2025 17:50

He’s lovebombing you. Sorry. Take it from me, he will be unable to sustain this and you will end up disappointed. The best and healthiest relationships are the ones that start off slowly, without all the bullshit.
I hope I’m wrong. But I highly doubt it 😁
Good luck.

So true. With any relationships, including platonic friendships, those that build slowly are the ones that will last ( in the main). Anyone who is instantly your best friend can just as instantly not be your best friend.

Having said that, my friend’s brother married his wife within three weeks of meeting her, and they’re still married 35 years later.

However, you’re feeling uncomfortable enough to be asking questions. And if you’re asking the question you probably already know the answer.

Neemie · 08/09/2025 18:19

He sounds like he has watched a lot of YouTube videos on how to get women to sleep with him.

Echobelly · 08/09/2025 18:20

Honestly, I'd rather a guy not be in the dating scene until he'd finished working on his 'toxic traits'. It sounds awfully like he's preparing an excuse, eg 'I'm sorry I called you a fat slag for talking to that male shop assistant, it's one of those toxic traits I'm trying to get over' etc

Whaleadthesnail · 08/09/2025 18:24

The very fact that you're asking here means you know it's not right. Ditch. Sorry OP

Pollqueen · 08/09/2025 18:24

GardenGaff · 08/09/2025 18:10

He reads self development books and says he’s done a lot of self work on his toxic traits

These blokes who are so keen to tell you so earnestly what a good guy they are, are always a huge red flag.

This. He's a walking red flag and he's love bombing you. Way too much, way too soon. He sounds creepy

5128gap · 08/09/2025 18:24

Anyone using the phrase 'love language' is a red flag to me. Its a nonsense term typically used to justify people behaving in ways you dont care for, or omitting to do things you want. The subtext being, the behaviours are rooted in love, so are 'good' even if you don't like them. If you think the guy is too full on, then tell him. Use real language (the old fashioned wordy kind) to tell him where your boundaries are.

KnitKnitKnitting · 08/09/2025 18:25

Urgh, this would all be too much for me. Can’t stand the talk of growing old together after two dates.

Honestly the red flag for me is “he’s worked on his toxic traits”. Was this genuine remorse “I’ve realised that I was a shitty person and caused a lot of hurt” or just swallowing a bunch of psychobabble out of the “how to get women in to bed” playbook?

Keep seeing him if you like him. Just judge him on what he actually says and does, not what he tells you about himself.