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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What are the red flags for a lustful man?

154 replies

Liz128 · 08/09/2025 17:23

I’ve been getting to know someone recently who I met off a dating app. When I first got to know him I felt like he was the greenest flag I’d ever met. He reads self development books and says he’s done a lot of self work on his toxic traits, spoke so maturely about both our previous relationships, said he loves to love, his friends say he’s very calm tempered. I like how he wasn’t afraid to make me feel amazing about myself, which some insecure men are afraid of doing. He seems very disciplined with his lifestyle, wakes up at 6am, goes gym, excelling in his career.

He told me his love language is physical touch and words of affirmation. Mine is the same, but I’m concerned he’s a lot more needy for physical attention.

On the build up to meeting him he kept asking me for lots of pictures even though he had already seen a few on my dating profile. He complimented me loads, calling me perfect and constantly wanted to see more (fully clothed photos ofc). He would also send a lot of pictures of himself. Over the phone I noticed he made a couple jokes about the bedroom.

On our first date he was a complete gentleman, opened the doors, paid for the date etc. He opened up about a lot of his problems and family issues and told me how he wants meaningful conversations with someone. He has a lot of friends but I sense some loneliness in him.

Since getting to know him, I felt like things were moving very fast. After this date the compliments continued and he started complimenting my personality too, and was pushing to see me again in a few days. Within the space of that week he had told me he loves how I carry myself, that I’m perfect, he’s so greedy for me, he could tell I was the one, he’s so sure of me, and that he can see us growing old together. I felt very overwhelmed with the attention. We were having a lot of serious talks too about the future and our compatibility which we both aligned on, so I was really starting to like him too. He told me he wants me to meet his sisters whenever I’m ready and they will tell me he has a good character.

He would randomly say how much he wants to hug, or cuddle me- bearing in mind we’d only had 2 dates and no physical touch. This just sounded like lustful behaviour. However, he said when he likes someone he’s all in on that person, so am I judging it the wrong way? He hasn’t crossed any of my boundaries and when I told him I want to take things slow and not meet up so often, he agreed and was very respectful about it. Then a few days later he sent me a topless picture of himself at the gym wearing nothing but his boxers. I just felt this was again, too early and lustful. I don’t want to end up marrying someone who can’t control their desires or prioritises the physical side of things too much.

OP posts:
ThatCyanCat · 08/09/2025 18:28

When I first got to know him I felt like he was the greenest flag I’d ever met.

From your description, he sounded awful from the get go.

ginasevern · 08/09/2025 18:28

The vast majority of men are after a shag sooner rather than later. Sometimes it leads to a "deep and meaningful" relationship and sometimes not. But at the end of the day men are never content to keep their dick in their pants for very long, no matter how many self development books they read.

WooleyMunky · 08/09/2025 18:29

Liz128 · 08/09/2025 17:58

Really, how so? Haha I’m new to dating since my divorce and I thought I’d finally met a mature, self aware, and disciplined man which were all green ticks to me.

Lovebombing.
He is desperately insecure.
These are the worst type because they seem so...together...
Self-development books equals a major red flag. Is he also into astrology and them twats what think they can talk to dead people?
Mostly listen to your instinct though.

Astrak · 08/09/2025 18:29

I agree with the previous posters. Too many red flags. Too much, too soon.

napody · 08/09/2025 18:30

gannett · 08/09/2025 17:57

He told me his love language is physical touch

If someone says this they mean sex.

I wouldn't call it a red flag as I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting sex or prioritising it, but it's definitely a sign of someone who is, as you put it, lustful.

This.
And haven't rtft but have you heard of a 'softboi'? Basically using all the sensitive, self aware, pseudo psych speak to pick up women.

TaborlinTheGreat · 08/09/2025 18:30

Yeah red flags. Besides which, any man who talked about 'love languages' would give me the instant ick.

Edited to add: because either he believes in love languages <cringe> or he totally doesn't, but he thinks women do, and that calling his sex drive a love language will get them into bed quicker <urgh>.

MyLimeGuide · 08/09/2025 18:31

Lots and lots of red flags! He sounds pretty creepy to me OP. Sorry x

UndoRedo · 08/09/2025 18:31

Given date three would be my shagging date, I would disagree it's too much too fast as long as I found him attractive.

The term lustful man sounds like something out of the puritanical 1600's though 🤣

AncientBallerina · 08/09/2025 18:34

Jesus it all sounds very intense. Working on his toxic traits? What does that even mean? It’s all too much from someone you hardly know.

GarlicPint · 08/09/2025 18:41

napody · 08/09/2025 18:30

This.
And haven't rtft but have you heard of a 'softboi'? Basically using all the sensitive, self aware, pseudo psych speak to pick up women.

Haha, a new 21st century word for me! I love it, particularly as Google AI supported my first thought that OP's date sounds like the 19th century Romantics (Byron, Shelley, Blake &co), self-serving wankers every one - although good at poetry.

LasagneLasagne · 08/09/2025 18:42

I agree, this is lovebombing. Red flags everywhere.

If it doesn't feel right, it isn't right.

TheHangryPeachTraybake · 08/09/2025 18:43

I don’t think you’re ready to date. All of what you listed are red flags. To be taken in by such a human and not notice this is alarming.

Fleetheart · 08/09/2025 18:44

ginasevern · 08/09/2025 18:28

The vast majority of men are after a shag sooner rather than later. Sometimes it leads to a "deep and meaningful" relationship and sometimes not. But at the end of the day men are never content to keep their dick in their pants for very long, no matter how many self development books they read.

this. They’re all lustful aren’t they? I have never met one who wasn’t. which is a shame as I’m not that lustful myself.

RigIt · 08/09/2025 18:44

You are focussing on the wrong things. Nothing wrong with being “lustful” especially in the early stages of a relationship (albeit no one should be pressuring someone into sexual contact of course). Your focus on this is rather odd and puritanical, what’s that about?

What’s much more worrying here is the very obvious love bombing. Anyone who seems too good to be true, and who starts contacting you excessively and starts slathering on statements like you’ve outlined needs to be treated with a massive dose of caution and distrust. This is classic behaviour from a narcissist/sociopath who will go on to either abuse you or romance scam you. As the saying goes, there are more red flags here than a communist parade.

napody · 08/09/2025 18:45

GarlicPint · 08/09/2025 18:41

Haha, a new 21st century word for me! I love it, particularly as Google AI supported my first thought that OP's date sounds like the 19th century Romantics (Byron, Shelley, Blake &co), self-serving wankers every one - although good at poetry.

Oh yes- those fellas are definitely their role models! Just one too many shirt buttons open.

LargeChestofDrawers · 08/09/2025 18:49

He told me his love language is physical touch and words of affirmation.

This alone would have had me reaching for the barf bag.

AintNoPunshineWhenShesGone · 08/09/2025 18:50

When I first got to know him I felt like he was the greenest flag I’d ever met. He reads self development books and says he’s done a lot of self work on his toxic traits

That's the 'greenest flag you've ever met'? 😳

Blimey.

And quite apart from anything else, all his psychobabble language would make my vagina shrivel up and die a slow death.

He sounds like a cross between Sting and Kevin from Motherland.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 08/09/2025 18:51

To me, he just sounds cringey as fuck, needy, and has given me the ick.

Bikergran · 08/09/2025 18:54

Liz128 · 08/09/2025 17:58

Really, how so? Haha I’m new to dating since my divorce and I thought I’d finally met a mature, self aware, and disciplined man which were all green ticks to me.

Sorry OP, you come across as someone who actually doesn't like sex. I can't imagine anyone other than a preacher calling a man "lustful". Try and find a man who doesn't like it either...according to some MN posts, they are around. He just sounds weird to me.

AintNoPunshineWhenShesGone · 08/09/2025 18:57

I bet the top of his loafers have never met the bottom of this trousers.

Crazycatladywithnocats · 08/09/2025 18:59

Too much, too soon. You’re having serious future talks after two dates. It should be light-hearted at this stage.

BuckChuckets · 08/09/2025 19:00

Love bombing plus telling you very clearly that he's a 'lustful man' (are you elderly and/or very religious?).

Greggsit · 08/09/2025 19:00

You say that him wanting a hug after your second date is "lustful". Trust me, that is the mildest version of horny I have ever heard. You will never find a man that considers a hug on a third date as lustful!

YouMightThinkThat · 08/09/2025 19:04

Ugh ugh ugh 🙄😖 "love language"

That'd be me out the door quicker than shit off a stick.

BlueEyedBogWitch · 08/09/2025 19:04

Did you just step off the Mayflower?

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