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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What are the red flags for a lustful man?

154 replies

Liz128 · 08/09/2025 17:23

I’ve been getting to know someone recently who I met off a dating app. When I first got to know him I felt like he was the greenest flag I’d ever met. He reads self development books and says he’s done a lot of self work on his toxic traits, spoke so maturely about both our previous relationships, said he loves to love, his friends say he’s very calm tempered. I like how he wasn’t afraid to make me feel amazing about myself, which some insecure men are afraid of doing. He seems very disciplined with his lifestyle, wakes up at 6am, goes gym, excelling in his career.

He told me his love language is physical touch and words of affirmation. Mine is the same, but I’m concerned he’s a lot more needy for physical attention.

On the build up to meeting him he kept asking me for lots of pictures even though he had already seen a few on my dating profile. He complimented me loads, calling me perfect and constantly wanted to see more (fully clothed photos ofc). He would also send a lot of pictures of himself. Over the phone I noticed he made a couple jokes about the bedroom.

On our first date he was a complete gentleman, opened the doors, paid for the date etc. He opened up about a lot of his problems and family issues and told me how he wants meaningful conversations with someone. He has a lot of friends but I sense some loneliness in him.

Since getting to know him, I felt like things were moving very fast. After this date the compliments continued and he started complimenting my personality too, and was pushing to see me again in a few days. Within the space of that week he had told me he loves how I carry myself, that I’m perfect, he’s so greedy for me, he could tell I was the one, he’s so sure of me, and that he can see us growing old together. I felt very overwhelmed with the attention. We were having a lot of serious talks too about the future and our compatibility which we both aligned on, so I was really starting to like him too. He told me he wants me to meet his sisters whenever I’m ready and they will tell me he has a good character.

He would randomly say how much he wants to hug, or cuddle me- bearing in mind we’d only had 2 dates and no physical touch. This just sounded like lustful behaviour. However, he said when he likes someone he’s all in on that person, so am I judging it the wrong way? He hasn’t crossed any of my boundaries and when I told him I want to take things slow and not meet up so often, he agreed and was very respectful about it. Then a few days later he sent me a topless picture of himself at the gym wearing nothing but his boxers. I just felt this was again, too early and lustful. I don’t want to end up marrying someone who can’t control their desires or prioritises the physical side of things too much.

OP posts:
moderndilemma · 08/09/2025 21:24

As many wise MN women have said, when a man tells you who he is - listen.

He has told you that physical touch is his love language. So presumably he means that being touched is what makes him feel loved, and touching you is how he expresses his love. Does that match with you?

If he wants to express his love by being physical, when you don't want that (at that particular moment), what other ways is he also able to express love? If you are doing thoughtful and caring things for him but he rejects it because he only wants physical touch, how would that make your feel?

What exactly does 'physical touch' mean to him? A day when dh and I walk along a beach hand in hand is physical touch (combined with a long chat putting the world to rights!) But it is not a signal that sex is on the cards - it might or might not be. Can he give you a gentle rub on the back of your neck and then you both turn over and go to sleep? Or is that physical touch a prelude to sex? Does he grope your boobs (maybe when you don't want it) because 'it shows how much he loves you'?

Words of affirmation make me feel loved, and acts of service are how I express love. But I can also talk about where I stand on all the others (gift giving and receiving are both low down for me). Did his conversation about love languages include all of that? Or has he alighted upon a quasi psychological framework that gives him freedom to look enlightened whilst actually being a letch?

@Liz128 what are your love languages (there are usually more than one)? How does that align with his single approach?

CurlewKate · 08/09/2025 21:38

The word “lustful” is such a turn off.

Liz128 · 08/09/2025 21:39

CurlewKate · 08/09/2025 21:38

The word “lustful” is such a turn off.

Sorry I just learnt the term myself from tiktok 😂

OP posts:
nopiesleftinthisvehicle · 08/09/2025 22:29

He used the term "Love language"? 🤢

This is all about him. Has he any interest in what you want?

LibbyOTV · 08/09/2025 22:35

Love bombing. Not authentic. Watch out and stay away.

Liz128 · 08/09/2025 23:12

moderndilemma · 08/09/2025 21:24

As many wise MN women have said, when a man tells you who he is - listen.

He has told you that physical touch is his love language. So presumably he means that being touched is what makes him feel loved, and touching you is how he expresses his love. Does that match with you?

If he wants to express his love by being physical, when you don't want that (at that particular moment), what other ways is he also able to express love? If you are doing thoughtful and caring things for him but he rejects it because he only wants physical touch, how would that make your feel?

What exactly does 'physical touch' mean to him? A day when dh and I walk along a beach hand in hand is physical touch (combined with a long chat putting the world to rights!) But it is not a signal that sex is on the cards - it might or might not be. Can he give you a gentle rub on the back of your neck and then you both turn over and go to sleep? Or is that physical touch a prelude to sex? Does he grope your boobs (maybe when you don't want it) because 'it shows how much he loves you'?

Words of affirmation make me feel loved, and acts of service are how I express love. But I can also talk about where I stand on all the others (gift giving and receiving are both low down for me). Did his conversation about love languages include all of that? Or has he alighted upon a quasi psychological framework that gives him freedom to look enlightened whilst actually being a letch?

@Liz128 what are your love languages (there are usually more than one)? How does that align with his single approach?

These are some really valid points, thank you it’s something to think about. My love languages are also physical touch and affirmation but I feel like he would make me feel smothered. He didn’t mention any of the other love languages, I actually did by telling him that I think different love languages apply in different circumstances and he just agreed and we didn’t speak more on it.

OP posts:
PollyBell · 08/09/2025 23:21

You lost me at complete gentleman, I dont want to call you obsessive but your post feels off I think you are looking for 'tick box man' humans do not exisit like this. have you had mutually sucessful reatonships in the past life is not a Jane Austen novel

supersop60 · 08/09/2025 23:41

CurlewKate · 08/09/2025 21:38

The word “lustful” is such a turn off.

And really old fashioned.

NewGirlInTown · 09/09/2025 06:17

The whole ‘love language’ thing is absolute bollocks!
Especially when every man cites ‘physical touch’ which to them just means sex.

LittleBearPad · 09/09/2025 06:58

Liz128 · 08/09/2025 21:39

Sorry I just learnt the term myself from tiktok 😂

How old are you?

LorrieTosh · 09/09/2025 08:35

He’s already told you his ex said he was a narcissist and he’s been working on his “toxic traits” as a result.
From personal experience: I suspect he’s setting you up to be ‘understanding’/endlessly forgiving when these toxic, narcissistic traits emerge. He has warned you about who he is. Being this intense, this quickly, actually supports what his ex said.

Look up love bombing and future faking. This is from one page after a quick google:
Love bombing involves specific strategies aimed at overwhelming the target with affection and attention. These tactics are designed to quickly create an intense emotional bond and sense of intimacy.
A narcissist showers their target with compliments, praising their appearance, personality, and achievements. They may claim the person is their "soulmate" or "perfect match" very early on. This excessive praise aims to boost the target's self-esteem and create feelings of being uniquely understood and appreciated.
Love bombers push for quick emotional intimacy through trauma bonding and oversharing. They may reveal personal struggles or past traumas early on to create a false sense of closeness.
A narcissist might discuss future plans prematurely, talking about marriage or living together after only a few dates.
Genuine affection develops gradually and respects boundaries. In contrast, love bombing feels rushed and intense.

pasturesgreen · 09/09/2025 08:51

So many red flags I don’t know where to start...🤦‍♀️

PigletSanders · 09/09/2025 09:20

OP, I’m a bit worried you initially thought he was the ‘greenest flag’… the signs have always been there.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 09/09/2025 09:24

Men who are genuinely good men and who have done work on themselves to improve themselves - generally don't tell you. Leading any conversation with this is a red flag in itself. And his 'love language' being touch? Well, don't say he didn't warn you when he wants to grope you when you're cooking dinner...

It sounds as though you are using 'touch' to mean holding hands, massage, gentle stroking of the arm and he is using it to mean hot rampant sex any time he feels like it.

Notthatgameagain · 09/09/2025 09:49

Love bombing! Next he will be asking for money or something. Red flags everywhere

Goodadvice1980 · 09/09/2025 10:05

Aaah yes! The old, “I’m such a good / great guy” line (spoiler alert 🚨 no they’re not).

Bikergran · 09/09/2025 10:41

Sorry OP, you come across as someone who actually doesn't like sex. I can't imagine anyone other than a preacher calling a man "lustful". Try and find a man who doesn't like it either...according to some MN posts, they are around. He just sounds weird to me.

TwinklySquid · 09/09/2025 18:08

In my experience, men who say they read self help books or are working on themselves, are saying it to appear a “green flag”. Most people who are/have worked on themselves don’t need to mention it because you see it in their actions.

The comments about being perfect and the fast pace he is moving in scream love bombing. Healthy relationships don’t start like that. They feel natural.

My view: he’s trying to get in your knickers quickly but knows you want something long term.

Kelamo · 09/09/2025 18:08

I think he sounds great, but I have no idea about the dating world of today and it does sound a bit like love bombing…potentially….or it’s been 3 dates and he’s letting you know he’s interested and wants sex. Which I think 3 dates is perfectly acceptable, depending on how fast or slow you want to take things, of-course.

Harrysmummy246 · 09/09/2025 18:09

Love bombing

But lustful? When did that get dragged back out from the 1900s?

TwistedWonder · 09/09/2025 18:12

He’s desperate for a shag so love bombing you. Honestly the things he’s said to you would have me cringing so hard my vagina would clap shut.

I would bet good money that once he’s had sex with you, the OTT compliments will tail right off .

JoBrandsCleaner · 09/09/2025 18:13

Is he English or is he from somewhere abroad? It just all reminds me of all the crap people say they’ve had said to them when they’re on holiday, getting sized up for a passport marriage.

TwistedWonder · 09/09/2025 18:14

NewGirlInTown · 09/09/2025 06:17

The whole ‘love language’ thing is absolute bollocks!
Especially when every man cites ‘physical touch’ which to them just means sex.

Absolutely. Funny how men always say their ‘love language’ is physical

They’re giving you a heads up they’re a groper who will constantly be shoving their hands on your knickers while you’re trying to cook dinner.

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 09/09/2025 18:22

Red flags i get rid of

Sex talk before even met and got to know if we vibe

Over bearing constant messages and asking my life story

Wanting rude pics

The self development would have been a red flag any man whose a good man doesnt need one.

The fact he has had to say everyone says im a calm man

Maybe take a leaf out of my book
For your opening questions

How do you handle conflict

What does being a good man mean to you.

How do you define masculinity for yourself.

The not good ones either complain or they dont respond.

Summerhillsquare · 09/09/2025 18:23

Are you a Mormon?

Yes he expects to have sex with a partner at some stage, no you are not in the same page.

Step away from the apps and the therapy speak.