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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What are the red flags for a lustful man?

154 replies

Liz128 · 08/09/2025 17:23

I’ve been getting to know someone recently who I met off a dating app. When I first got to know him I felt like he was the greenest flag I’d ever met. He reads self development books and says he’s done a lot of self work on his toxic traits, spoke so maturely about both our previous relationships, said he loves to love, his friends say he’s very calm tempered. I like how he wasn’t afraid to make me feel amazing about myself, which some insecure men are afraid of doing. He seems very disciplined with his lifestyle, wakes up at 6am, goes gym, excelling in his career.

He told me his love language is physical touch and words of affirmation. Mine is the same, but I’m concerned he’s a lot more needy for physical attention.

On the build up to meeting him he kept asking me for lots of pictures even though he had already seen a few on my dating profile. He complimented me loads, calling me perfect and constantly wanted to see more (fully clothed photos ofc). He would also send a lot of pictures of himself. Over the phone I noticed he made a couple jokes about the bedroom.

On our first date he was a complete gentleman, opened the doors, paid for the date etc. He opened up about a lot of his problems and family issues and told me how he wants meaningful conversations with someone. He has a lot of friends but I sense some loneliness in him.

Since getting to know him, I felt like things were moving very fast. After this date the compliments continued and he started complimenting my personality too, and was pushing to see me again in a few days. Within the space of that week he had told me he loves how I carry myself, that I’m perfect, he’s so greedy for me, he could tell I was the one, he’s so sure of me, and that he can see us growing old together. I felt very overwhelmed with the attention. We were having a lot of serious talks too about the future and our compatibility which we both aligned on, so I was really starting to like him too. He told me he wants me to meet his sisters whenever I’m ready and they will tell me he has a good character.

He would randomly say how much he wants to hug, or cuddle me- bearing in mind we’d only had 2 dates and no physical touch. This just sounded like lustful behaviour. However, he said when he likes someone he’s all in on that person, so am I judging it the wrong way? He hasn’t crossed any of my boundaries and when I told him I want to take things slow and not meet up so often, he agreed and was very respectful about it. Then a few days later he sent me a topless picture of himself at the gym wearing nothing but his boxers. I just felt this was again, too early and lustful. I don’t want to end up marrying someone who can’t control their desires or prioritises the physical side of things too much.

OP posts:
fluffiphlox · 08/09/2025 19:08

He sounds absolutely dreadful, based on what you’ve reported here.

ScabbyHorse · 08/09/2025 19:09

Just take it super slow and keep dating other people. He has no right to pressure you. It takes two years to know someone properly imo

Liz128 · 08/09/2025 19:12

I got the term lustful off of TikTok when I was trying to figure out his behaviour lol. The wanting to hug isn’t the issue, it’s more how mid convo he would randomly express how much he wants to hug and cuddle, it seemed to me like the physical is the main thing running on his mind.

OP posts:
whitesheepie · 08/09/2025 19:14

He’s not being his true self. He’s telling you everything he wants you to think of him. From experience, I have a feeling he’s a control freak and will become aggressive sooner or later.

ThatCyanCat · 08/09/2025 19:16

All the stuff about self help books and that made me ick from the very start. To be fair, I've always liked my men a bit emotionally constipated, but it seems this over-intense, smothering icker started as he meant to go on.

ThatAquaRobin · 08/09/2025 19:18

Don't fall for it. A thousand red flags here. This post nails it.
"He sounds like he has watched a lot of YouTube videos on how to get women to sleep with him"

I fell for it. Hook line and sinker. I am old enough to know better. They see you coming.

I am paying the price now- my head is fu*ked and it was only a few months before the penny dropped. I saw the red flags and chose to ignore them. Don't be me.

BurntBroccoli · 08/09/2025 19:21

None. Just get rid.

singthing · 08/09/2025 19:21

Liz128 · 08/09/2025 17:58

Really, how so? Haha I’m new to dating since my divorce and I thought I’d finally met a mature, self aware, and disciplined man which were all green ticks to me.

He's basically swotted up on what's most likely to get a "novice" dater like you swooning and then ticked off every item on the list. He wants (at minimum) a shag (one off or on tap), maybe a bit of free bed and board, possibly even a replacement mummy or domestic servant.

(I don't mean novice disparagingly, I mean it in the sense that dating has probably moved on a lot since you were last on the market and he full well knows that)

Charlize43 · 08/09/2025 19:23

Is anyone else getting Serial Killer vibes or maybe it is just the way you've written it up?

JudgeBread · 08/09/2025 19:25

Things that would have made me stop speaking to him immediately:

  • Earnestly telling you about the self help books - a roundabout way of telling you what a nice guy he is and how different he is from all the other guys. Translation: he's not.
  • He loves to love. Translation: he goes through women quicker than he goes through underwear.
  • Heavy handed with the compliments. Translation: wants sex, thinks boosting your ego will get him there faster.
  • Wanting lots of pictures. Translation : spank bank.
  • Sending lots of pictures you didn't ask for. Translation: Fancies himself.
  • "Love language" bollocks. Physical touch and words of affirmation. Translation: likes sex and wants you to tell him how big his dick is.
  • Saying you're the one and he can see you growing old together: Classic love bombing.

I wouldn't worry about marrying him, he will be out the door quicker than a whippet with a bum full of dynamite the instant you shag him.

MoominMai · 08/09/2025 19:26

Agree with PP saying love bombing. This is pretty much (bar the naked torso shots) similar to start of my relationship. I fancied the pants of the guy so took a while to recognise the lovebombing nature of his attention. This then turned after a year or so into yes, you guessed it, paranoia and controlling behaviour. It’s almost like they know their true self has a ticking time bomb to when it will reveal itself hence need to pull you in with overwhelming attention and suffocate you with compliments so you’re very quickly smitten and so more easily manipulated into being the ‘perfect obedient’ GF for their needs.

supersop60 · 08/09/2025 19:29

Run

HRTQueen · 08/09/2025 19:31

Who tells someone they are working on themselves using self help books when they don’t even know them

this would flag up for me as it’s too desperate to appear perfect

he sounds insincere

Hominim · 08/09/2025 19:33

YUCK. All the stuff he talked about makes me feel SICK. Massive red flag OP.

Gingernessy · 08/09/2025 19:35

Toxic traits he had to work on???
Nope get rid.

Sarover · 08/09/2025 19:39

OP, you and this man are not compatible. But, tbh your approach comes over odder than his.

These expressions you use stand out to me:
-lustful man
-calm tempered
-needy for physical attention
-how I ‘carry myself’
-has a good character
-i don’t want to marry someone who can’t control their physical desires

Have you grown up in a different culture? This way of talking about relationships comes across as old fashioned or unusual. Have you been following dating advice on religious tok toks?
Dating nowadays isn’t really like old fashioned match making. Everybody, is ‘lustful’ sometimes. It just depends on who you choose to be lustful with and when. And I don’t think anyone has noticed how you ‘carry’ yourself since the Victorian era.

zaazaazoom · 08/09/2025 19:39

A man using the words "love language" is bleugh.
Mentioning toxic traits and self-help books. WTF?
He is definitely trying to lovebomb. RUN RUN RUN

Notmyreality · 08/09/2025 19:41

Barrelroll · 08/09/2025 18:13

Using the phrase “love language”.

Using the phase “lustful”.

Screamingabdabz · 08/09/2025 19:42

Ugh - a sex obsessed gym bore. Yawn.

Jellyheadbang · 08/09/2025 19:42

AintNoPunshineWhenShesGone · 08/09/2025 18:50

When I first got to know him I felt like he was the greenest flag I’d ever met. He reads self development books and says he’s done a lot of self work on his toxic traits

That's the 'greenest flag you've ever met'? 😳

Blimey.

And quite apart from anything else, all his psychobabble language would make my vagina shrivel up and die a slow death.

He sounds like a cross between Sting and Kevin from Motherland.

This made me guffaw. Especially Kevin from motherland 🤣

@Liz128 are you christian or religious? Lustful is quite an unusual word to use in modern parlance

but
to answer your question, he sounds creepy as all heck.
If it were me and I was feeling lustful I might go for it just to scratch an itch but otherwise I’d give him a wide berth.

Ive been caught out by men who are supposedly ‘feminist’ or who have ‘done the work’ or understand their toxic traits and they are no different to the everyday arseholes.
in fact I think they’re even bigger arseholes because they’re pretending to be someone they’re not and that feels extra manipulative.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 08/09/2025 19:43

GardenGaff · 08/09/2025 18:10

He reads self development books and says he’s done a lot of self work on his toxic traits

These blokes who are so keen to tell you so earnestly what a good guy they are, are always a huge red flag.

Yes.

Didn't "says he’s done a lot of self work on his toxic traits" set off all kinds of loud alarm bells?

He's admitted to having toxic traits! and now he's busy learning the vocabulary to present them as self development and learning to new dates.

Really?

coxesorangepippin · 08/09/2025 19:44

Lustful

😂

Yeah he's a player

coxesorangepippin · 08/09/2025 19:48

JudgeBread · 08/09/2025 19:25

Things that would have made me stop speaking to him immediately:

  • Earnestly telling you about the self help books - a roundabout way of telling you what a nice guy he is and how different he is from all the other guys. Translation: he's not.
  • He loves to love. Translation: he goes through women quicker than he goes through underwear.
  • Heavy handed with the compliments. Translation: wants sex, thinks boosting your ego will get him there faster.
  • Wanting lots of pictures. Translation : spank bank.
  • Sending lots of pictures you didn't ask for. Translation: Fancies himself.
  • "Love language" bollocks. Physical touch and words of affirmation. Translation: likes sex and wants you to tell him how big his dick is.
  • Saying you're the one and he can see you growing old together: Classic love bombing.

I wouldn't worry about marrying him, he will be out the door quicker than a whippet with a bum full of dynamite the instant you shag him.

Edited

🤣 😂 quite

mumofoneAloneandwell · 08/09/2025 19:52

JMSA · 08/09/2025 17:50

He’s lovebombing you. Sorry. Take it from me, he will be unable to sustain this and you will end up disappointed. The best and healthiest relationships are the ones that start off slowly, without all the bullshit.
I hope I’m wrong. But I highly doubt it 😁
Good luck.

This

Also, I picture him as being tall and kinda stocky, but in a hot way, like well built. And an office worker

Dunno why 😭, maybe i'm projecting

Run girl, he is going to make your life a misery x

Sillysandy · 08/09/2025 19:52

Sorry but I don't understand how you can fancy him, he sounds disgusting.

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