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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What are the red flags for a lustful man?

154 replies

Liz128 · 08/09/2025 17:23

I’ve been getting to know someone recently who I met off a dating app. When I first got to know him I felt like he was the greenest flag I’d ever met. He reads self development books and says he’s done a lot of self work on his toxic traits, spoke so maturely about both our previous relationships, said he loves to love, his friends say he’s very calm tempered. I like how he wasn’t afraid to make me feel amazing about myself, which some insecure men are afraid of doing. He seems very disciplined with his lifestyle, wakes up at 6am, goes gym, excelling in his career.

He told me his love language is physical touch and words of affirmation. Mine is the same, but I’m concerned he’s a lot more needy for physical attention.

On the build up to meeting him he kept asking me for lots of pictures even though he had already seen a few on my dating profile. He complimented me loads, calling me perfect and constantly wanted to see more (fully clothed photos ofc). He would also send a lot of pictures of himself. Over the phone I noticed he made a couple jokes about the bedroom.

On our first date he was a complete gentleman, opened the doors, paid for the date etc. He opened up about a lot of his problems and family issues and told me how he wants meaningful conversations with someone. He has a lot of friends but I sense some loneliness in him.

Since getting to know him, I felt like things were moving very fast. After this date the compliments continued and he started complimenting my personality too, and was pushing to see me again in a few days. Within the space of that week he had told me he loves how I carry myself, that I’m perfect, he’s so greedy for me, he could tell I was the one, he’s so sure of me, and that he can see us growing old together. I felt very overwhelmed with the attention. We were having a lot of serious talks too about the future and our compatibility which we both aligned on, so I was really starting to like him too. He told me he wants me to meet his sisters whenever I’m ready and they will tell me he has a good character.

He would randomly say how much he wants to hug, or cuddle me- bearing in mind we’d only had 2 dates and no physical touch. This just sounded like lustful behaviour. However, he said when he likes someone he’s all in on that person, so am I judging it the wrong way? He hasn’t crossed any of my boundaries and when I told him I want to take things slow and not meet up so often, he agreed and was very respectful about it. Then a few days later he sent me a topless picture of himself at the gym wearing nothing but his boxers. I just felt this was again, too early and lustful. I don’t want to end up marrying someone who can’t control their desires or prioritises the physical side of things too much.

OP posts:
Fluffypotatoe123987 · 09/09/2025 18:24

Download chat gpt it helps process the under lying meaning tk the messages and also ask it to help you respind using bad butch guide to dating x

sophiecygnet · 09/09/2025 18:34

could tell I was the one, he’s so sure of me, and that he can see us growing old together.
And even then you held onto your knickers.
He is the only one who is surprised.

Gladysknightjustwalkinmyshoes · 09/09/2025 18:34

Even using the phrase love language 🤮🤮🤮is vomit inducing.

CicerosHead · 09/09/2025 18:37

You both are red flags, tbh.

Him with his 'self development' books, pseudo-psych speak, 'love languages', love bombing, insisting he's a good man and providing people who can confirm it, etc.

You with your Victorian language and weird attitudes ('lustful man'???? 'Lustful behaviour' bleurgh). And what the hell is this: 'I don’t want to end up marrying someone who..'? You've been on two dates. TWO.

Middleagedspreadisreal · 09/09/2025 18:43

Love language?? What even is that? He sounds desperate and very odd.

janehopper · 09/09/2025 18:49

Anyone who uses the term 'love language' is an instant red flag.

40andcounting · 09/09/2025 18:51

Definitely some love bombing there. His "obsession" will drop off. I met someone online dating and he was addressing all his issues so green flag right. I learnt a red flag is a red flag. Dont make excuses and waste your precious time. Its hard im an empath too but learnt after wasting 8 mths. My partner (also met online together over 3 years and living together for 1) 1 of his love languages is physical touch. Yes this means sex but this is hugs handholding, etc too. Men like to mention sex quite early on as they want to see that there may be compatibility ie want sex. Its when it goes on abit too much it enters the ick territory and there are the ones that are just after it.
You've put boundaries in place and if he breaches get rid or my favourite just gradually shimmy away and he'll bugger off 🤣
Its tough out there Good luck

TwistedWonder · 09/09/2025 18:51

janehopper · 09/09/2025 18:49

Anyone who uses the term 'love language' is an instant red flag.

Edited

Agree. Anyone who mentions love languages or attachment styles is an instant ‘’no thanks’ ’

charlieandthechocolatfactory · 09/09/2025 18:52

That’s not sustainable

LivingWithANob · 09/09/2025 18:55

Sounds like hes trying to rein himself in all the time! I dont think hes had a shag in a while! Nah i feel too bombarded reading his texts etc youve said hes done. Far too needy

berightorbehappy · 09/09/2025 19:33

Meet his sisters and grow old together after 2 dates !
Do some reading on Lovebombing ….🚩 and don’t be surprised if after his “love language” he cools on you .

Putneydad7 · 09/09/2025 19:37

What is this, the Victorian era? Lustful !!! You'll be putting covers on the table legs next.
Seriously though if you meet a guy on a dating app he is highly likely to be interested in some bedroom action. It's kind of what men do, their sole purpose and all that.
Sure he'll say he isn't in a rush, but if you said "come home and shag me now", he'd have finished his drink and called a cab before you finished the sentence.
He is only taking it slowly because you've made it clear that is what you want. He will probably tire and move on or just make a lunge and then get rebuffed and move on.

Dweetfidilove · 09/09/2025 19:50

Green flags? The man sure talks a lot of shit.
I think his lustfulness is the least of your worries.

YourWinter · 09/09/2025 20:12

Everything about your description of him makes me cringe. Yes, he has problems, don’t be the one lumbered with fixing them… or tolerating his awful obsessive love-bombing while he “works on himself”. Ugh.

RoseInBloome7 · 09/09/2025 21:27

Love bombing and grooming .

Bin!

BlueFlowers5 · 09/09/2025 22:09

He's lovely bombing you and will hurt you, reject you after he gets what he wants.

ellyeth · 09/09/2025 22:53

I would find this unnerving and would start to wonder how genuine all this can be after such a short time. The photo would definitely put me off.

bert3400 · 09/09/2025 22:55

Sorry I just read you post and got the biggest ick

Isinglass20 · 09/09/2025 22:56

I think I’d be worrying about how he’s going to react when and if you’re ending or cooling the relationship.
I think at that stage you will see what he’s really like.
General advice when meeting someone new is not to give away where you live and where you work.
OP be prepared to be pestered, and bleating he doesn’t know what he did wrong,that you’re treating him badly, just give him one more chance, stalking etc.

eastegg · 10/09/2025 08:15

AintNoPunshineWhenShesGone · 08/09/2025 18:50

When I first got to know him I felt like he was the greenest flag I’d ever met. He reads self development books and says he’s done a lot of self work on his toxic traits

That's the 'greenest flag you've ever met'? 😳

Blimey.

And quite apart from anything else, all his psychobabble language would make my vagina shrivel up and die a slow death.

He sounds like a cross between Sting and Kevin from Motherland.

Totally! And also that Ben guy, the vicar, who got into relationships with an older man and murdered him.

OneWittyGuide · 10/09/2025 12:38

I can’t say whether it’s a red or not but clearly you’re uncomfortable with it. It would be a no from me if I felt it was pushing boundaries.

On the flip side however and please don’t take this the wrong way, maybe just have some fun with it/him?

Absentosaur · 10/09/2025 12:42

Tells you he reads self help books and tells you about his ‘love language’ 🤢🤢🤢🤢 He’s just looking for sex. Obviously. Steer clear. 🤮

Tuesdayschild50 · 10/09/2025 22:04

So what where or are his toxic traits.What did he need to work on I'd want to know that.
Wanting to see you all the time and flying head first into things is too much he sounds a bit desperate to me .

ImGoneUnderground · 11/09/2025 00:38

Google him...???

ImGoneUnderground · 11/09/2025 00:40

I kind of think that if you have to ask, you already know??