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What are the red flags for a lustful man?

154 replies

Liz128 · 08/09/2025 17:23

I’ve been getting to know someone recently who I met off a dating app. When I first got to know him I felt like he was the greenest flag I’d ever met. He reads self development books and says he’s done a lot of self work on his toxic traits, spoke so maturely about both our previous relationships, said he loves to love, his friends say he’s very calm tempered. I like how he wasn’t afraid to make me feel amazing about myself, which some insecure men are afraid of doing. He seems very disciplined with his lifestyle, wakes up at 6am, goes gym, excelling in his career.

He told me his love language is physical touch and words of affirmation. Mine is the same, but I’m concerned he’s a lot more needy for physical attention.

On the build up to meeting him he kept asking me for lots of pictures even though he had already seen a few on my dating profile. He complimented me loads, calling me perfect and constantly wanted to see more (fully clothed photos ofc). He would also send a lot of pictures of himself. Over the phone I noticed he made a couple jokes about the bedroom.

On our first date he was a complete gentleman, opened the doors, paid for the date etc. He opened up about a lot of his problems and family issues and told me how he wants meaningful conversations with someone. He has a lot of friends but I sense some loneliness in him.

Since getting to know him, I felt like things were moving very fast. After this date the compliments continued and he started complimenting my personality too, and was pushing to see me again in a few days. Within the space of that week he had told me he loves how I carry myself, that I’m perfect, he’s so greedy for me, he could tell I was the one, he’s so sure of me, and that he can see us growing old together. I felt very overwhelmed with the attention. We were having a lot of serious talks too about the future and our compatibility which we both aligned on, so I was really starting to like him too. He told me he wants me to meet his sisters whenever I’m ready and they will tell me he has a good character.

He would randomly say how much he wants to hug, or cuddle me- bearing in mind we’d only had 2 dates and no physical touch. This just sounded like lustful behaviour. However, he said when he likes someone he’s all in on that person, so am I judging it the wrong way? He hasn’t crossed any of my boundaries and when I told him I want to take things slow and not meet up so often, he agreed and was very respectful about it. Then a few days later he sent me a topless picture of himself at the gym wearing nothing but his boxers. I just felt this was again, too early and lustful. I don’t want to end up marrying someone who can’t control their desires or prioritises the physical side of things too much.

OP posts:
mumofoneAloneandwell · 08/09/2025 19:53

JudgeBread · 08/09/2025 19:25

Things that would have made me stop speaking to him immediately:

  • Earnestly telling you about the self help books - a roundabout way of telling you what a nice guy he is and how different he is from all the other guys. Translation: he's not.
  • He loves to love. Translation: he goes through women quicker than he goes through underwear.
  • Heavy handed with the compliments. Translation: wants sex, thinks boosting your ego will get him there faster.
  • Wanting lots of pictures. Translation : spank bank.
  • Sending lots of pictures you didn't ask for. Translation: Fancies himself.
  • "Love language" bollocks. Physical touch and words of affirmation. Translation: likes sex and wants you to tell him how big his dick is.
  • Saying you're the one and he can see you growing old together: Classic love bombing.

I wouldn't worry about marrying him, he will be out the door quicker than a whippet with a bum full of dynamite the instant you shag him.

Edited

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 Hard agree!

Sunnyscribe · 08/09/2025 19:57

It's too intense, too soon, which I don't think is healthy.

Also I've never trusted compliments at the start, they're just empty words, you need to see their actions to judge their intentions.

It sounds like he's trying to rush it either because he's desperate for sex, or he's intensely needy, neither of which is good.

GarlicPint · 08/09/2025 20:00

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 08/09/2025 19:43

Yes.

Didn't "says he’s done a lot of self work on his toxic traits" set off all kinds of loud alarm bells?

He's admitted to having toxic traits! and now he's busy learning the vocabulary to present them as self development and learning to new dates.

Really?

I've just remembered a couple of guys I went on dates with, way back when, who told me they'd served time for GBH. Both did a credible job of making this sound like simple honesty, wrapped in self-awareness and good intentions. I had terrible judgement when it came to relationships, but got the hell out of there. Why?
I hadn't applied for a job as a rehabilitation coach.
I didn't want to be permanently on alert for potential triggers.
The revelation came with undertones of "Now I've told you, you owe me".
I'd be crazy to make myself vulnerable to men who'd already proved they would put a man in hospital.
Guys like this always manage to seem a bit needy. It would all be about what I could and should do for them: they weren't offering me the generosity of spirit they expected to receive.

I did actually fall for a version of this with XH#2, more fool me! He shared that he had used a prostitute once. You guessed it, he turned out to be bloody obsessed with prostitutes.

What are the red flags for a lustful man?
outerspacepotato · 08/09/2025 20:10

I think his going on and on about how psychologically healthy he is and how much he's read on it when you first meet is a red flag in itself. Plus, I find the love languages to be patriarchal fundamentalist bullshit and that's another red flag. He was selling a story. Then the over share about his problems and family issues on the first date, ew. Lovebombing and future faking and rushing talking about the future on a second date, those red flags are FLYING.

Ew.

I like a man with a healthy sex drive but this dude is a walking parade of red flags.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 08/09/2025 20:21

I couldn't take all that 'toxic traits' malarkey.

A box of Black Magic on the pillow does it for me, especially if I see them swing back out of the window (on the 14 storey) dangling from a helicopter - but then I am a bit old-fashioned like that.

Illegally18 · 08/09/2025 20:24

InterestedDad37 · 08/09/2025 18:11

Despite 'working on his toxic traits', he sounds like he doesn't really know himself, isn't at peace with himself, and definitely just wants a shag.

lol, yes!😂

kalokagathos · 08/09/2025 20:28

He’s grooming and love bombing

Illegally18 · 08/09/2025 20:29

Sarover · 08/09/2025 19:39

OP, you and this man are not compatible. But, tbh your approach comes over odder than his.

These expressions you use stand out to me:
-lustful man
-calm tempered
-needy for physical attention
-how I ‘carry myself’
-has a good character
-i don’t want to marry someone who can’t control their physical desires

Have you grown up in a different culture? This way of talking about relationships comes across as old fashioned or unusual. Have you been following dating advice on religious tok toks?
Dating nowadays isn’t really like old fashioned match making. Everybody, is ‘lustful’ sometimes. It just depends on who you choose to be lustful with and when. And I don’t think anyone has noticed how you ‘carry’ yourself since the Victorian era.

I agree. The OP's language is in itself unusual. 'Lustful' sounds almost biblical.

Liz128 · 08/09/2025 20:34

I clearly need to work on spotting red flags lol. He also said that in his last marriage, his ex called him a narcissist. That’s why he’s worked on his toxic traits over the years. I thought it was a good thing that he was opening up so much and showing self awareness hahahaa

OP posts:
Zov · 08/09/2025 20:38

Hillrunning · 08/09/2025 17:55

That full list of things that you have put aside green flags would be huge red flags for me. Argh I was so put off jsut half way through your list.

Same here. My vagina just clamped shut reading the OP's posts. I would be running like the wind away from a man like this. He sounds utterly batshit, creepy, and as weird as fuck. I hate being pawed and constantly complimented and stared at, and cooed over. Just feck OFFFFFFFF!

The hills are that way @Liz128 >>> I'm sorry, but he just sounds bonkers.

LittleBearPad · 08/09/2025 20:42

Liz128 · 08/09/2025 20:34

I clearly need to work on spotting red flags lol. He also said that in his last marriage, his ex called him a narcissist. That’s why he’s worked on his toxic traits over the years. I thought it was a good thing that he was opening up so much and showing self awareness hahahaa

Oh dear god.

No one normal goes on about working on their toxic traits.

Equally you’ve seen this man two / three times and you’re talking about marriage.

Move on from him but do relax a bit!

MasterBeth · 08/09/2025 20:44

He sounds like a jerk with a mountain of red flags

WalkDontWalk · 08/09/2025 20:49

Frankly, I couldn’t fancy anyone who told me what their ‘love language’ was - whatever their ‘love language’ was.

Framesite · 08/09/2025 20:50

Interesting, but I found almost all the things you describe as green flags in your opening paragraph, red.

BotterMon · 08/09/2025 20:52

TBH he sounds a bit of an arse. Why on earth are you thinking marriage after 2 dates?

His pseudopsychospeak would have me running a mile let alone the lovebombing.

LorrieTosh · 08/09/2025 20:54

What “toxic traits” has he been working on?

You’ve only been on two dates, and he’s saying you’re perfect, that you’re “the one”, that he can see you growing old together, talking about the future, and wanting you to meet his sisters? This sounds like textbook love bombing. It’s recognisable to anyone who’s been on the receiving end of it, because it’s almost like a script. I’m sure at some point soon he’ll tell you he’s never felt like this about anyone before (if he hasn’t already).

You’ve said you feel like things are moving too fast, and you’re overwhelmed with the attention. It is too fast, and you should listen to your gut - it’s telling you something isn’t right. Behaving like this when you’ve only just started dating is a huge red flag.

Thepeopleversuswork · 08/09/2025 20:55

Any man who uses the phrase “love language” is an immediate, one strike and you’re out red flag for me.

Its cringe-o-rama and it almost certainly means he wants to get his leg over and has read a book about how women love hearing psychobabble.

Ditch and move on.

Thepeopleversuswork · 08/09/2025 20:56

Framesite · 08/09/2025 20:50

Interesting, but I found almost all the things you describe as green flags in your opening paragraph, red.

Yep.

TheGreatWesternShrew · 08/09/2025 21:02

I’d rather he never had ‘toxic traits’ to start with. Many men are not toxic at all and never have been. The fact he once considered himself toxic? Dangerous. The fact he may still be toxic? I’d be done.

Zov · 08/09/2025 21:03

@Liz128

Watch Dirty John (Netflix) Season 1. (There are 2 seasons, but that's the best one.)

This man is screaming John Meehan from that show.

It did not end well.

napody · 08/09/2025 21:10

Liz128 · 08/09/2025 20:34

I clearly need to work on spotting red flags lol. He also said that in his last marriage, his ex called him a narcissist. That’s why he’s worked on his toxic traits over the years. I thought it was a good thing that he was opening up so much and showing self awareness hahahaa

That's like a full Derren Brown trick- tell your audience what you're going to do so they trust you. Even when what they're going to do is (in Derren's case) trick you or (in your date's) be a narcissist.

PermanentTemporary · 08/09/2025 21:12

Urgh!!!!! What @JudgeBread said.

Sounds like he’s flipping through a pack of cards he bought at a pick-up artist event, trying to find out the fastest way into your knickers. Sounds about as authentic as a three-bob note.

Tip: if you are ever feeling rushed or uncomfortable on an early date, that’s your gut screaming NO. Don’t ignore it.

VivaForever81 · 08/09/2025 21:14

First response nailed it, he’s love bombing you and will probably ghost you once you’ve fallen for him/shagged him. Sorry op but massive red flags.

Onelifeonly · 08/09/2025 21:19

It's fine to be "lustful" but seeing you as "becoming old together" after 2 dates would have me running for the hills or laughing in his face. No sane, normal man would say such a thing. As for the "love languages"......

swingingbytheseat · 08/09/2025 21:21

He’s a bit needy, possibly emotionally immature, makes me think he hasn’t had many long term girlfriends.
You sound very balanced. I’m not sure it’s a red flag but just going with your eyes wide open