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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS hasn't been to school yet this academic year

151 replies

GoldenPlanet · 07/09/2025 23:14

I wasn't sure what to title this and that's not the main issue really. Will try keep this brief and will answer any questions.

I have 2 DS’s DS1 is 16 in November and DS2 is 15 in about 2 weeks. They have totally different personalities, DS1 is more outgoing and very popular whereas DS2 is quiet and sensitive. They both share a room and do share some interests

He started secondary school and struggled to fit in immediately, DS1 would say he would follow him around at lunch which he hated, he likes football but not playing it so he'd stand there watching them which DS1 would say was embarrassing. He then started saying he was “emo”, started listening to rock bands, wearing black, painting his nails , he tried to put eyeliner on, I sort of left him be though this has been the case for 3 years now! He dyes his hair black and has done for the last 2 years, maybe I shouldn't allow it but school allow natural colours so I don't know. Initially he did it on his own (in the summer before year 8) so I thought better I know? I do worry about the damage it's doing to his hair though.

Anyway, he did become friendly with some boys from drama club but never really hung around with them in school, DS1 said he'd see him on his own and DS1 never wanted anything to do with him in school. He’d constantly say we didn't care about him and I didn't understand him etc etc, that he had no friends, he was called weird etc. I may have posted something on here on a different account at the time I'm unsure. This was in Y7 and 8 mostly.

He cares a lot about his hair and looks. In year 9 things ramped up a lot, I guess because of puberty and this is another issue because he hates it. He's been crying more often and it's hard to tell him everyone is uncomfortable during puberty because he sees DS1 and he's very confident and has told him in the past to stop being dramatic (which didn't help!). His behaviour in school really slipped too, he was getting negative behaviour points, skipping lessons and giving attitude which is so not like him.

He began school refusal and I tried everything, taking his devices until he went and this would work but then he didn't go in the last 2 weeks. He didn't have any devices at all but didn't care he just said I didn't understand him and hated him. Summer was terrible I gave his devices back but they were arguing constantly, DS2 would complain about DS1 spraying deodorant in their room. Constant fighting and DS2’s attitude was terrible toward both myself and DS1. He cried a lot and seemed so angry. He stole alcohol and got extremely drunk.

He was meant to go back to school on Wednesday but refused and is adament he's not going back ever. It just feels really extreme. DS1 isn't like this, I grew up with 2 brothers and neither of them was like this either.

CAMHS referral was put in but God knows when they'll see him, it was a struggle trying to get the GP to even refer as they didn't understand the issue and kept brushing it off as normal

OP posts:
ninjahamster · 07/09/2025 23:24

He’s clearly very unhappy. I’d wager that extreme anxiety is at the root of this but he will need a lot of help and support to recognise it.
Does he have to share a room? His own space would be helpful I think.

Tiswa · 07/09/2025 23:27

it does feel extreme but it does to them. First thing stop comparing he is clearly struggling and the fact others aren’t is immaterkal

talk to him and the school and join not fine in school on facebook

tinyspiny · 07/09/2025 23:28

Have you asked him about changing schools , he may be better somewhere different to his brother . You also need to keep on at the GP for help .

Original poster
GoldenPlanet · 07/09/2025 23:32

Forgot to add: with the friends he had in Y7, DS1 would see them go to talk to him and he'd tell them he didn't want to hang out with them so complain about being alone.

I spoke to the school many times and they always said he was fine in lessons but they were trying to encourage him to make friends, this was before the behaviour issues though. After that they said it wasn't like him (he hadnt had a single behaviour point in both Y7 and Y8 let alone a detention). His HOY spoke to him and DS said he was fine and didn't know why he was misbehaving “just because” was his answer. He was put on behaviour report and he'd do well for a few days them get a comment again and then blame the teachers

OP posts:
AllrightNowBaby · 07/09/2025 23:33

Have you asked him what “he” wants, does he have any idea about what he might want to do one day.
You mentioned him being interested in drama and he does sound very theatrical.
Talk to him and stop comparing with his brother and also ask his brother to give him some slack…

sunsu · 07/09/2025 23:34

Have you spoken to guidance at school? Are there Children’s Support Workers in his school that can help? I work with school refusers and it’s a challenging job but the school should have staff to help you support him and hopefully get to the bottom of what’s going on. It sounds like he’s a very unhappy young man and the priority must be understanding and supporting his needs, whatever they are - even if that means missing some school.

DelphiniumBlue · 07/09/2025 23:36

Poor lad sounds very unhappy, and he must feel that DS being so popular and confident rubs it in a bit.
However, he needs to go to school. If he's so unhappy at this school, is there another that might work better, where he would not be compared or compare himself to DS1? And is there a possibility of them having separate rooms, or making a division within the room?
Meanwhile, there should be some support available from school. They will want to work with you to get him back in, maybe provide some kind of supported return. Is he able to say what it is about the school that makes him not want to go back? If he's being bullied you'd want to know that they are following the appropriate polices properly.
You've made the point that he is EMO, it's not that unusual a thing, but maybe he's being targeted because of that. But he's adopting that persona to make a point himself, that he's different. That's the thing that you need to be exploring with him.

Sodastreamin · 07/09/2025 23:50

Why on earth are they sharing a room?? They’re almost adults. Even social housing allow for same sex children to have their own rooms at that age!

Original poster
GoldenPlanet · 07/09/2025 23:57

There's no way for them not to share, unfortunately. I know posters will say give them my room but then they'll argue over who gets that room as it is bigger, in their current room they have a side each which is theirs so there wouldn't be a clear answer of who gets it iyswim.

I think it's too late to change schools, he's already picked his options and moving so late feels like it could make matters worse, at least at the current school he does have his brother though DS1 is always with his friends and tells DS2 people think he's weird and if he wasn't people would like him.

He doesn't know what he wants to do, for his options he picked drama, business, computing and history. He's quite good at drawing but I think it clashed with one of them so he didn't pick it. I am worried about drama as he isn't confident at all. He was going to pick music but that had little interest in his year.

I've been trying to get help from the Gp since he was 13 but now those issues are worse due to the puberty aspect which has been in the last couple of months especially

He's not said why he doesn't want to go back, just he hates school and would prefer to stay at home, I don't think he's getting bullied and neither he nor DS1 have said anything that sounds like he is. Just the fact he has no friends which was mainly in year 7 and 8, he doesn't say it now. I'm unsure if he is being targeted for being an emo, he says he's a 2000s emo so maybe if it's different to what is classed as emo now? I have no idea

OP posts:
Original poster
GoldenPlanet · 08/09/2025 00:11

He also picks spots quite a bit which is a concern RE infection

OP posts:
Delphiniumandlupins · 08/09/2025 00:43

If you swapped bedrooms with your sons would you be able to make more of a division into two separate spaces? It must be difficult them being so close in age but very different personalities. At present, not attending school, he's not going to do well in exams so changing schools couldn't be any worse. At least talk to him about whether this is something he would like you to investigate, you don't have to guarantee that it can definitely happen. He sounds very unhappy.

PractisingMyTelekenipsis · 08/09/2025 00:53

Sodastreamin · 07/09/2025 23:50

Why on earth are they sharing a room?? They’re almost adults. Even social housing allow for same sex children to have their own rooms at that age!

Because people can't pull an extra bedroom out of their arsehole? And social housing saying DC shouldn't share a room, and houses with enough rooms for that not to happen aren't the same thing!

Flibbertyfloo · 08/09/2025 01:17

I know he's picked his options, but school is clearly unbearable for him right now, and he's not going to do well in this state. So I'd look to move him pronto for a fresh start away from his brother. There's just about still time.

I'd also be having words with his brother about being kinder.

What do you think is at the heart of it? Might be have undisgnosed special needs or neurodiversity? Do think he might be struggling with his sexuality or gender identity? Is there anyway you could afford private mental health support?

Also, please think about contacting Papyrus. They're a mental health charity who specialise in suicide prevention in children and young people and they have a great advice line.

Meadowfinch · 08/09/2025 01:36

Flibbertyfloo · 08/09/2025 01:17

I know he's picked his options, but school is clearly unbearable for him right now, and he's not going to do well in this state. So I'd look to move him pronto for a fresh start away from his brother. There's just about still time.

I'd also be having words with his brother about being kinder.

What do you think is at the heart of it? Might be have undisgnosed special needs or neurodiversity? Do think he might be struggling with his sexuality or gender identity? Is there anyway you could afford private mental health support?

Also, please think about contacting Papyrus. They're a mental health charity who specialise in suicide prevention in children and young people and they have a great advice line.

This. If he carries on being so unhappy, he is unlikely to do well at GCSEs.

Talk to him. Ask him what he would like. Why he is unhappy? Is he struggling with his sexuality? Is he gay? Be prepared to move him to another school, away from his brother. Have a very firm word with your ds1 and tell him to back off.

Do something to show him you will support ds2 to be happy, before this escalates into a crisis.

BreakingBroken · 08/09/2025 02:17

single mom i presume?
100% swap to be bigger room and set up a divider, loads of great idea's on how to achieve this online.
he needs to talk to a therapist (again hound gp and school for this and check if your employer has therapy available for family). request a dermatology consult (but in the meantime start a home routine ask the pharmacist). make sure the basics of dental care/eye glasses are reviewed.
i would talk him into ditching the emo/hair dye/nail polish until counselling is well established (this persona is just making his life harder).
i would then look at online and part time school (maybe even a different school).
is there a way he could spend time with a trusted male member of the family, what is it about male puberty that annoys him (compared to girls boys have it seemingly easy) shaving/bathing joint aches and pains, lack of coordination etc.

spoonbillstretford · 08/09/2025 05:08

Go on Not Fine in School on Facebook, OP. You'll find lots of help and support there.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 08/09/2025 05:26

The majority of school refusers are Send.

No friends ( according to him) skin picking and easily crying are all part of the ND spectrum.

Tenofcups · 08/09/2025 05:34

No advice but solidarity, my DS14 has never got on with school, says he hates it and doesn’t see the point. He also has skin problems, went in for one day so far and someone commented so he doesn’t want to go back. Have suggested GP but he’s autistic so he wouldn’t attend due to anxiety. School are hopeless. I’m looking into recorded online learning as a last resort. Hope you manage to find something that helps. It’s really hard.

stayathomer · 08/09/2025 05:41

Op in the nicest possible way you’ve talked about his brother too much. Imagine he was an only child. You need to stop trying to figure out why he’s not like his brother and figure out how to get the shy quiet but happy boy back. Taking devices etc doesn’t matter, it should all be down to eg sitting with him, watching tv with him, playing board games, going for walks. His favourite foods. He’s lonely, miserable and actually crying. My son wasn’t the same, he was happy and fine for most of school but when he went downhill it was like all light switched off and it was terrifying, we’d regularly go up to check him. Life became about making life light for him again, he was spoilt a bit, I’d go up and watch you tube videos with him, no talking. I’d bribe to play the board games or bribe/ ask for help with tiny tasks. When we got him back it was life changing. It’s so hard but it can be done

QuirkyHorse · 08/09/2025 05:43

You need to stop comparing ds1 to ds2, they are individuals.
Do you do this in front of ds2? If you do, no wonder he feels inadequate as you seem to have ds1 on a pedestal.

I had a school refuser, she has asd.
It was ridiculously tough getting her in, it was often a tearful situation for both of us, but she did manage just over 90% attendance.
I had a very good relationship with the Senco who on occasion I would ring if I had got her to school but couldn't get her in. She would come out and speak to dd.
I never took her phone off her, she was low enough as it was, without cutting her off from the few friends she did have.

I wish you all the luck in getting him in.

CommissarySushi · 08/09/2025 05:46

Sodastreamin · 07/09/2025 23:50

Why on earth are they sharing a room?? They’re almost adults. Even social housing allow for same sex children to have their own rooms at that age!

What a ridiculous comment.

pinkbackground · 08/09/2025 05:47

It’s not too late to change schools and be may be better off in a different school without his brother there. Worth asking him if he thinks that would help.

ItsNotMeEither · 08/09/2025 06:04

I’d take the smaller room and give the teens the bigger room. This may give them enough space to have more of a divider.

I’d also get the younger one to the GP and see if there is something to help with his skin, as that can be a confidence sapper.

Do you think there’s any chance your DS could be struggling with his sexuality? Obviously I don’t know him, but a few things you’ve mentioned do make me wonder if this is a possibility. If you think it’s possible, conversations about other people you know and how their sexuality doesn’t matter to you, it’s about how they treat people, could be important.

I remember one of our own children, in the early teen years, mentioning how we didn’t know anyone who was gay. I ran through a long list of names in front of all of our kids. It was a great discussion about stereotypes in general and not judging people by looks, wealth or anything superficial. But, like anything, it was never a single conversation, it was lots of moments over a number of years. These are things that can help teens see that you will love them regardless.

Andthatrightsoon · 08/09/2025 06:18

Where's his father?

Barrenfieldoffucks · 08/09/2025 06:21

AllrightNowBaby · 07/09/2025 23:33

Have you asked him what “he” wants, does he have any idea about what he might want to do one day.
You mentioned him being interested in drama and he does sound very theatrical.
Talk to him and stop comparing with his brother and also ask his brother to give him some slack…

I would have clamped right down on the shitty older brother being mean to him. This poor boy has struggled from day one, and his brother even took the piss out of him watching him playing football.

The older one does not sound like someone to emulate or be more like.