DS hasn't been to school yet this academic year

[GoldenPlanet]

I wasn't sure what to title this and that's not the main issue really. Will try keep this brief and will answer any questions.

I have 2 DS’s DS1 is 16 in November and DS2 is 15 in about 2 weeks. They have totally different personalities, DS1 is more outgoing and very popular whereas DS2 is quiet and sensitive. They both share a room and do share some interests

He started secondary school and struggled to fit in immediately, DS1 would say he would follow him around at lunch which he hated, he likes football but not playing it so he'd stand there watching them which DS1 would say was embarrassing. He then started saying he was “emo”, started listening to rock bands, wearing black, painting his nails , he tried to put eyeliner on, I sort of left him be though this has been the case for 3 years now! He dyes his hair black and has done for the last 2 years, maybe I shouldn't allow it but school allow natural colours so I don't know. Initially he did it on his own (in the summer before year 8) so I thought better I know? I do worry about the damage it's doing to his hair though.

Anyway, he did become friendly with some boys from drama club but never really hung around with them in school, DS1 said he'd see him on his own and DS1 never wanted anything to do with him in school. He’d constantly say we didn't care about him and I didn't understand him etc etc, that he had no friends, he was called weird etc. I may have posted something on here on a different account at the time I'm unsure. This was in Y7 and 8 mostly.

He cares a lot about his hair and looks. In year 9 things ramped up a lot, I guess because of puberty and this is another issue because he hates it. He's been crying more often and it's hard to tell him everyone is uncomfortable during puberty because he sees DS1 and he's very confident and has told him in the past to stop being dramatic (which didn't help!). His behaviour in school really slipped too, he was getting negative behaviour points, skipping lessons and giving attitude which is so not like him.

He began school refusal and I tried everything, taking his devices until he went and this would work but then he didn't go in the last 2 weeks. He didn't have any devices at all but didn't care he just said I didn't understand him and hated him. Summer was terrible I gave his devices back but they were arguing constantly, DS2 would complain about DS1 spraying deodorant in their room. Constant fighting and DS2’s attitude was terrible toward both myself and DS1. He cried a lot and seemed so angry. He stole alcohol and got extremely drunk.

He was meant to go back to school on Wednesday but refused and is adament he's not going back ever. It just feels really extreme. DS1 isn't like this, I grew up with 2 brothers and neither of them was like this either.

CAMHS referral was put in but God knows when they'll see him, it was a struggle trying to get the GP to even refer as they didn't understand the issue and kept brushing it off as normal

Don't worry about the gaming, he's regulating himself at the moment. Whilst he's in limbo like this he's going to do stuff like sleep, game, TV - repeat. He may just know that he doesn't want to go to school, and you know what? That's OK! I walked out of school in year 9 because I didn't want to be there, I hated it. No reduced timetables, or adjustments wetr ever going to make a difference. I was home educated after that. I'm now a 44 year old professional with qualifications. School is such a small drop in the ocean. It doesn't have to define his whole life and what comes next.

Personally, I wouldn’t deregister and EHE. It is easier, although not easy, to get support whilst remaining in the system. It is easier for professionals to sweep DC’s needs under the carpet if you EHE. Crudely, at the moment, you are someone’s ‘problem’. The school has a duty to make their best endeavours to meet DS’s SEN and they must make reasonable adjustments. They can and they should be providing support even if DS can’t attend, If DS can’t attend, the LA has a duty to ensure he still receives a suitable full-time education including SEN support. Whereas, if you EHE, you relieve the LA of this duty.

I do agree with the above to an extent, however, I found all the 'support' from LA relentless and so did my daughter. It was all about trying 'fix' my broken child and still trying to get her into a system she didn't thrive in. For us, just taking away all that pressure, constant meetings, the measly one hour a week of pointless tutoring they provided, - we took it all away and theb my daughter began to recover and thrive. It really depends how much energy you have to fight the system and whether it will actually give the best outcome even after fighting it. It's a big decision either way.

Support doesn’t have to be about trying to ‘fix’ anyone or forcing DC to reintegrate into MS or even school at all. 1hr a week is not a suitable full-time education. parents don’t have to accept any of these things.

OP’s DS clearly needs therapeutic support. It is brilliant you can afford that. OP isn’t in the same position. Pursuing support via the LA can lead to DS receiving support, including for his mental health, he wouldn’t otherwise receive.

Why is he being allowed to game when he should be at school?

Remove everything, TV, phone, Nintendo and lock them away for some time.

What do you say when he says he is not going? Why does he think he has autonomy here?

I was just giving my experience. LAs and such are limited too with what they can offer and again it takes alot of time and fighting the system. It was exhausting and getting us nowhere. My child's mental health was no better and deteriorating and actually when we stopped engaging with school, LAs etc her mental health got better. It wasn't about whether I could afford it, I didn't have to spend any money. Because things improved naturally. She is now a happy thriving young adult.

I feel for you in this situation as there clearly isn't a simple solution. But the first thing you can do is start thinking about informing school he is off due to his anxiety. As it seems like a big part of it. Anxiety doesn't always show as a dramatic heart racing attack, but the withdrawal does sound like it to me. Caveat I've experienced this with my daughter for a few years.

With him missing school for 15 days (doesn't have to be consecutive) it can and should trigger a Section 19. Which is the LA rules that a child is entitled to a full time or equivalent education. This originally stemmed for children with illnesses but not includes mental health. Please research this.

It can be a battle to get depending on how receptive the school is but it is law. Then there can be options of alternative provisions or even online tuition packages. Don't worry about his age or that he has picked options already. The main priorities are getting some formal learning. Even a basic level 2 English and maths.

Once your child gets this then he can always do more post 16 study. Most colleges are used to this way of education. It will not be a barrier to his future of he never sets foot in the school ever again. But dont withdraw to Electively Home Educate as that give the LA no responsibility to educate or provide any alternatives.

I now have a y11 child studying online and looking to achieve 4 gcse plus btecs and will have help to apply for college. They are much happier and even the pastoral care staff have said their mental health is worth much more that an exam. Plus it's only a brief period of their lives.

Sorry it's a long post but I hope it helps.

LAs and such are limited too with what they can offer

They would like you to believe this, but it isn’t true.

The provision LAs offer has to be suitable and appropriate if it is causing further deterioration, it isn’t either of those. Parents don’t have to accept inadequate provision.

OP’s DS needs therapeutic support, which costs money unless funded.

That may be true but it was a fight I wasn't prepared to have, or was already having and just getting us nowhere. My daughter couldn't cope with the 1 hour a week, therefore, what else could they offer? I'm just offering an alternative opinion having been through it. Honestly, when we stopped all the back and forth, the constant meetings etc, things improved! Hugely so! I was happy with my decision and it is an option for anyone too. It's also not the worse option.

That is, of course, your decision. I have not said otherwise.

If tutoring in any form, not just academic tutoring, wasn’t appropriate, they could have looked at other types of provision. They could have looked at therapeutic provision, self-directed, child-led provision, non-academic provision, provision that taps into the child’s interests (e.g. in OP’s case there is a large amount of provision (F2F, online, non-direct, tech, subscriptions, memberships and so on) related to gaming) equipment/tech/subscriptions/memberships… There are numerous possibilities. Just like there is if EHE, but many cannot afford to fund the provision LAs can provide.

Yes they could have. But meanwhile we were in limbo, my daughter was worsening and so we made the decision to stop it all and de-reg and do it all on our terms in our own time. Turns out she didn't need therapy, or tutors, or experts, or other interventions etc....she just needed autonomy, time, space, recovery.

As I said, that is, of course, your decision. OP’s DS meanwhile clearly does need further support, which doesn’t have to mean autonomy, time, space, recovery don’t happen.

This advice is outdated and the opposite of what you should do when your child is suffering EBSA.

Op email the school and ask for a meeting with the senco. Document everything. Get it in writing.

It isn’t an easy path to push for support and help and getting over the initial you just need to get him in

we were lucky a mix of time to decompress (first time half a term second time it was a term) online schooling therapy and a reduced timetable got him back and he has now moved to high school and it’s going ok so far 80% for Year 7 and hoping to improve in year 8

three bits of advice

1. don’t expect there to be a reason you can magically solve because chances are there isn’t

2. it is incredibly tough on the parents phone calls meetings etc where you are simply made to feel that it is easy to get them there - it isn’t. Everything is rushed reduced timetables are 6 weeks and just as one stage is completed and feels comfortable they instantly add on more pressure

3. ignore anything such as @LuLuLemonDrizzleCake right now he needs a safe space - yes for some punitive measure for now going into school are needed but for EBSA it is certainly not the case

a d there may be 14-16 college that may well be more suitable

I haven’t read the rest of the thread, but what have you done to pull DS1 up on his behaviour, and the way he treats his younger brother? It’s appalling imo from what I’ve read here. I’d say it’s bullying.

In the nicest way, please stop comparing him to his older brother and pull his older brother up on the way he’s treating him. If your younger son sees that you “see” how he’s treated by his brother, it might bring the wall down between you and him, and you can find out what’s really going on for him.

Have you asked him if he wants to change schools? You say that “at least he has his brother there”, but his brother treats him like crap, so that’s hardly a positive.

I’m reading the thread and getting quite frustrated and sad on your ds2’s behalf. You’re being so defeatest OP. Everything that’s being suggested, you’re coming up with a feeble (sorry) excuse.

You say you’ve been trying to get him help, but you’re not doing anything to help him yourself. It needs to come from you. You’re his mum. You need to step up (sorry again, I always try to be kind), and show him you’re there.

Aside from the suggestion in my other reply, I’d:

Give your son your room and move to the living room.

Ask him if he’d like to look around some other schools.

Read into, research and strongly consider if there could be a neurodivergent issue going on (I have adhd and still did ok at school, it was after and outside I crumbled when I could stop masking). The fact he loved the trampoline park but didn’t want to eat after and went on his phone suggests overstimulation shut down to me, common in ND people.

Research that book others have suggested on school refusal, as well as the very wise suggestion of reading up on mental health issues in teenage boys.

Create a safe and loving home environment (kicking ds1 into shape here) and making sure your ds2 is loved and accepted unconditionally.

If you keep being defeatist, your son’s issues will get worse and as someone else said, reach crisis point. I can tell you with absolute certainty, as a previous mental health crisis support worker, that you do not want to get there.

Please, and I say this from the kindness of my heart, please step up for your boy. You’re his mama and he needs you,

HOY didn’t call me back today. I did speak to DS1 when he got home, and he admitted he did say no when the girl asked if DS2 was his brother. He said he only said it as a joke and didn’t think DS2 would have heard. I told him that even if he thinks it’s a joke, it’s unkind and makes things worse for his brother, so hopefully he takes that on board.

DS2 and I had planned to watch a film together this evening, but when we sat down for dinner he suddenly got upset. Out of nowhere he started crying, saying again that I don’t understand him, that I don’t care about him, and that nobody listens. I tried to comfort him but he just kept pushing me away and saying I didn’t get it. After that he refused to watch the film with me and went straight back up to his room.

It feels like every time I try to do something nice with him, it ends up like this and I’m left not knowing what else I can do.

He's crying out for help. i suggest you use this time to draft an email to the senco to ask for help with his ebsa. Send your son a message or put a note under his door to tell him you're there if he wants to talk, preferably away from his bully of a brother. And when he does finally open up, listen to him without judgement or defending yourself and his brother.

Op aside from all the advice that’s been given it’s hard at that age with hormones. I remember the shock of seeing confusion in ds15’s eyes as he shouted at me and it reminded me how awful hormones are! Keep chugging, you’re trying and hopefully sometime soon he’ll tell you why he thinks everything is so difficult and what he’d actually like to do/ what actually makes him smile/ happy (great the trampoline helped, even if it didn’t work well, next a hike if bowling?!) Hugs op, it’s all so hard, added onto work and keeping the house and making sure they have clean clothes etc etc

This will sound harsh OP but I'm with DS2 on part of this, you don't understand him.

You need to not just speak to DS1 you need to read him the riot act. His language is not 'unkind' it is bang out of order and needs to stop.

You need to listen to DS2, not talk to him, listen.

Oh please go away and educate yourself about EBSA. That's all I have to say. Attitudes and ignorance like yours are just as much of a battle for parents dealing with it as the EBSA itself.

Go into the school, refuse to go until you speak to the headteacher. Tell them this is unacceptable.

As I've said further up, you need to ask them to open an early help assessment either via the school safeguarding lead, or your local authority's hub. There is lots of information in the link I've shared.

The school are not doing enough - both they, and the LA are failing in their duty to provide an education. This is not good enough.
Phone school and make an appointment to see the Head Teacher, asked for the Head of Pastoral, and SENCO to be there.
Make it very clear that you are dealing with EBSA, and that they need to work out how they will support your child, to receive an Education.

You also need to contact the LA to request an EHCP Assesment.. I found the Ed Psych bit of this possible the most beneficial thing that happened… we didn’t get an EHCP, but I finally found someone who understood what was happening.

Tell the school you are applying for an EHCP - and if they come back and try to tell you that you don’t need one as hid Learning is fine …just point out that not being in school is also damaging his education.

You need to be much more proactive, vocal & pushy.

Don't be downhearted by the film thing. This is a process. It's taken him months to get to this point and it's not going to get fixed overnight.

I think you can take positives from this. He agreed to the film, he told you some stuff about what is in his head. It's a start. Your job at the moment is to find connections, find ways to communicate to him that you are on his side and he can trust you. He might not have said what you wanted to hear but he's given you a jumping off point to go back in and say I'm sorry you feel so alone, help me understand. It all needs to be "soft", not traditional parent determined to get him in at all costs but treating him as an equal and framing yourself as his supporter who believes him and will champion him at school. If he winds you up, don't bite back or pull rank but model emotional regulation. Meet his anger or upset with your calm because it's ok, you'll find a way through this together.

Seriously. That conversation sounds like a starting point to me, not a failure.