DS hasn't been to school yet this academic year

[GoldenPlanet]

I wasn't sure what to title this and that's not the main issue really. Will try keep this brief and will answer any questions.

I have 2 DS’s DS1 is 16 in November and DS2 is 15 in about 2 weeks. They have totally different personalities, DS1 is more outgoing and very popular whereas DS2 is quiet and sensitive. They both share a room and do share some interests

He started secondary school and struggled to fit in immediately, DS1 would say he would follow him around at lunch which he hated, he likes football but not playing it so he'd stand there watching them which DS1 would say was embarrassing. He then started saying he was “emo”, started listening to rock bands, wearing black, painting his nails , he tried to put eyeliner on, I sort of left him be though this has been the case for 3 years now! He dyes his hair black and has done for the last 2 years, maybe I shouldn't allow it but school allow natural colours so I don't know. Initially he did it on his own (in the summer before year 8) so I thought better I know? I do worry about the damage it's doing to his hair though.

Anyway, he did become friendly with some boys from drama club but never really hung around with them in school, DS1 said he'd see him on his own and DS1 never wanted anything to do with him in school. He’d constantly say we didn't care about him and I didn't understand him etc etc, that he had no friends, he was called weird etc. I may have posted something on here on a different account at the time I'm unsure. This was in Y7 and 8 mostly.

He cares a lot about his hair and looks. In year 9 things ramped up a lot, I guess because of puberty and this is another issue because he hates it. He's been crying more often and it's hard to tell him everyone is uncomfortable during puberty because he sees DS1 and he's very confident and has told him in the past to stop being dramatic (which didn't help!). His behaviour in school really slipped too, he was getting negative behaviour points, skipping lessons and giving attitude which is so not like him.

He began school refusal and I tried everything, taking his devices until he went and this would work but then he didn't go in the last 2 weeks. He didn't have any devices at all but didn't care he just said I didn't understand him and hated him. Summer was terrible I gave his devices back but they were arguing constantly, DS2 would complain about DS1 spraying deodorant in their room. Constant fighting and DS2’s attitude was terrible toward both myself and DS1. He cried a lot and seemed so angry. He stole alcohol and got extremely drunk.

He was meant to go back to school on Wednesday but refused and is adament he's not going back ever. It just feels really extreme. DS1 isn't like this, I grew up with 2 brothers and neither of them was like this either.

CAMHS referral was put in but God knows when they'll see him, it was a struggle trying to get the GP to even refer as they didn't understand the issue and kept brushing it off as normal

OP I'm a single parent to two teens who have struggled in different ways with EBSA. I do get how exhausting and isolating it is and how it feels like you are all on your own. Removing screens as a punishment is NOT how you treat it. He's not skipping school to truant with mates or because its dull. He is isolated and lonely and probably feels very exposed. Its really hard because school, grandparents, adults with no experience of this will tell you you are being soft, spoiling him, making it easy. They don't get it. BUT you can't do nothing. I work FT, as a teacher ironically, though that did mean they couldn't level the "you don't value education" line at me. If you deregister him and provide him with tools for online learning he can work towards maths, history, computing etc, maybe English though that might need a tutor. You will have to step up with it and be organised but its not insurmountable. What you are currently doing isn't working, so you have to change something. So far, you just keep saying no to all suggestions.

I'm a single mum so taking the PlayStation seems the least of my worries, DS1 doesn't care that he's on it as long as he doesn't mess his game up. Moving rooms around will be difficult as I don't have the funds to just redecorate. I could look into a divide, I previously did have one in their room with a bookcase but they'd still go in each others sides.

I don't believe he is autistic as there was no signs when he was growing up, things only really started to change as soon as he started year 7. I do agree that there is something to do with mental health going on and that's why I posted as I know his behaviour is extreme

When I did an autism post diagnosis course there were two sets of ages the children were tending to be diagnosed at (via CAMHS so not the kids diagnosed very early). Either age 8ish or 13-14ish. That roughly coincided with (in Scotland) transition issues to primary or secondary with a lag time for referral and diagnosis.

Lots of the teen parents said they had no idea their child might be autistic until it all fell apart at high school. Although they saod the diagnosis process made them realise there were signs a lot earlier they had missed. [And many also said that the diagnosis process for their child made them realise they had autism or ADHD too... which also happened to me!]

He doesn't need to have a diagnosis of autism or ADHD to suffer from EBSA. The fact is, at his age, it will be hard to get him through CAMHS before he ages out so you need to deal with what's in front of you. He is, as most of us would, avoiding a setting that makes him deeply anxious and unhappy. We don't make adults do that and we don't take their support and comfort systems away when they are signed off work with stress and depression. There is no point flogging a dead horse. Look at 14-16 college or, as I said, home ed for two years with whatever outcome - even if its developing game development skills, coding, e sports, whatever and then he can go at 16, find his tribe and do formal qualifications then. Remember, square peg needs a square hole.

Autism frequently starts to become more obvious around that age of 7. That's when school starts to become less play based and much more demanding.

Your posts are screaming autism to me too, as someone who is AuDHD, and whose kids are AuDHD.

If you swap rooms, you don't need to redecorate! Just shift some furniture. The boys can help with this.

It feels like you're dismissing everyone's helpful suggestions for really random reasons.

Other than speaking to school, what is your plan? If you keep doing the same thing, nothing is going to change and he'll still be refusing school in 18 months time with GCSEs looming.

Or you can make a plan to try to address things.

1. Talk to school
2. Sort out bedroom situation. DS1 will also benefit from this as he'll have space/quiet to revise.
3. Make appointment with GP to discuss possible anxiety/depression/ND issues.
4. Phone the council to discuss whether moving school is possible and how this might work- theoretically at this point. If school refusal continues then the council can also advise on what they can do to support you both - tutor at home etc.
5. Look at school websites. Could your son choose the same options? What exam boards do they use? What is their pastoral support like? Etc. Etc. Involve your son in these discussions.

I've spoken to DS1 about being kinder to DS2 and he has listened and asked DS2 if he wanted to play a game with him (DS2 said no). He's not a bully but I have had issues with his behaviour especially at school with many detentions etc, at home he isn't that bad but yes he is unkind to DS2 sometimes. I have given DS2 his phone back but I still think he should at least try and go instead of just automatically saying he can't go. I do plan on calling the school tomorrow

The hardest part of all of this is getting over the mindset that if they just push through and try to go it will all be fine

because it isn’t - he can’t and it isn’t an option. Acceptance of the burn out and the fact he has hit the floor is the first stage of healing

DS is getting there now. Another friend missed 5 months and has managed 2 days so far

He's calling ds2 weird in front of other people. What's that if not bullying? Stop making excuses for ds1.

Take just the controller(s) then.

Change the password on Netflix.

And sort DS1 out. If he is sometimes mean to DS2 when you are there, he will be 10 times worse out of earshot.

I think you need an action plan and to make DS2 a priority for a bit: he sounds deeply depressed and that is a risky place to be for his mental health and education. This seems like more of an emergency than you’re treating it?

Can you:

1. meet with the school urgently and co create a plan such as a reduced timetable and additional support
2. Speak to another school to just learn the process and support available for switching. Many have funds available for uniform for those in need.
3. refer yourselves to any local family support and mental health provision. Go back to the GP. You have a school refuser who is very isolated and likely depressed. Consider medication.
4. ship off DS1 to hang out with his mates for a few hours every weekend and devote time to DS2 and his interests. Read up on lovebombing (in the positive sense, with children)
5. put in place some house rules that apply to everyone. No mean teasing. Positive reinforcement, helping around the house and being a helpful member of society gets rewarded (choosing the movie / snacks, deciding what you do at the weekend, whatever)
6. make sure he feels loved, loved, loved

Frustrated by this thread.

OP uniform is not a priority. Options are not a priority. Your ds is desperately unhappy and you need to take up to this and look into moving him.

Sorry but hes bullying his brother. Change the bedrooms so ds2 has some space, you dont need to redecorate honestly hed probably just be happy to get away from ds1 bullying him!

No redecorating needed, just a space for each of them to decompress. It's not about how the room is, it's about having a separate space. Make sure each son knows he is important, heard, and that you're proud of each of them.

Go back to GP for medication if needed, sometimes short term it's what is needed.

Op's ds began having problems in Y7, not age 7 - but I completely agree with you. Those who manage to successfully navigate the primary years often fall apart at secondary, which is when the demands of school life (multiple transitions, subjects, teachers, friendship dynamics, puberty etc) become too much for a ND person to manage.

Someone else up thread stated that the majority of school refusers are SEND. If I were op, I'd be pushing for a referral because ND might be at the root of what is clearly heightened anxiety. The problem is that pathways to assessment are opaque and convoluted. Even once CAMHS engage, there are hoops to jump through which takes time, at a really important stage of his education. I might be tempted to push for an echp in the meantime. This is what we ended up doing for dd (masked well, no obvious learning difficulties, 'fine at school', reached total burnout aged 6). Three years on she's still on the assessment pathway, but she has an ehcp, is well supported, happy and regularly attending school. That ehcp (and specifically the Educational Psychologist's report) gave us all so much crucial insight into what was likely happening.

Frustrated by this thread.
OP uniform is not a priority. Options are not a priority. Your ds is desperately unhappy and you need to take up to this and look into moving him

Totally agree. Come on op, see the bigger picture here. Urgently.

My youngest was really unhappy at school and became withdrawn and stopped seeing friends. We reluctantly allowed her to move schools end of year 9. She had to choose one alternative subject which she wasn’t happy about but she now loves it and is considering to continue at A level. She had made other friends at the school who joined in year 10. Now entering year 11 she is a different child. She had friends and is widening her horizons.

In your shoes I would seriously consider a school move. If nothing else your DS2 will see that you are trying to help him, At the moment it looks like no one is on his side. I would be requesting a meeting with year head asap and discussing support for your son and I’d be making it very clear to the school how unhappy he is.

He didn’t go in again today. I rang the school this morning and honestly they weren’t very helpful at all, just said he needs to be in and that I have to get him here otherwise I’ll be fined. I explained everything I’ve put on here about his behaviour, how emotional he’s been, that he’s refusing outright and they just said they can’t do anything if he doesn’t turn up. I asked if there was anyone he could check in with or somewhere quieter he could go at the start of the day but they said no, he just has to go to form like everyone else.

I did ask him if he wants to move schools but he said no, he just doesn’t want to go anywhere.

I feel completely stuck because I can’t physically drag him in, he’s nearly 15 and taking his phone etc (though he has them back now) hasn’t worked, he’ll just stay in bed or play on the PlayStation. I thought maybe the school would be more supportive but they seemed to brush me off like it’s my problem to deal with.

He just keeps saying he hates school and he’s not going back, but he won’t explain why.

We had an unsupportive school with my son’s MH issues. I would try to get him to the GP and see if they can support you. I’d also be putting IN WRITING to the school that you are requesting support from them with your son’s mental health.
We ended up deregistering, and all has worked out well in the end but I know that’s a difficult decision to take.

Who did you talk to at school, Head of Year?

I think perhaps follow up by summarising your conversation in an email and sending it to them with "please let me know if you disagree with any of this by [date] otherwise I'll assume you are happy with it.". Document what you said about why you can't get him in, and all they said in what they can t accommodate.

Ask for a meeting person. Talk about them not meeting his needs.

Approach it that they are gatekeeping. They have loads of kids who don't want to come in, some of them might be messing around, you need to be persistent and convincing enough to convince them that there is more to this than him messing around and he "can't, not won't"

I know you have a lot on your plate but reading just the first chapter or two of The Explosive Child might be helpful. It's agnostic about autism, it doesn't care if the child is withdrawing or lashing out, it might give you a way forward to try with him.

Check what the school is recording the absences as. If DS can’t attend school because of his MH, the absence should be authorised, thus no fines/prosecution. If the school doesn’t authorise the absence, you can challenge the decision.

Follow up verbal conversations with emails so you have a paper trail as evidence.

Request a meeting with the SENCO.

It may well be DS can’t explain why. He may not fully understand himself. Even if he does he may not be able to verbally communicate that.

If you've offered to put him in another school and he's said he doesn't want to go at all, then the issue isn't this particular school but the school environment generally. And he may not even understand what it is about the school environment that he finds so difficult, which is why he can't explain it to you.

The school is right in a sense: they cannot do anything to support him while he's not attending. That doesn't help you and I know you've been doing everything possible to get him to go. It was hard enough with a 6 year old at times, so I totally empathise.

You may find that if he continues to miss school then they'll be more willing to engage. Schools are under so much scrutiny over attendance that there will come a breaking point where they're forced to engage. I really can't understand why they're not open to talking about some adjustments.

I think you need to put as much effort as possible into the CAMHS referral - and again, school avoidance may well be the thing that spurs them into action. I would also be instigating the early help process - you can do that in several ways: Contacting the school's designated safeguarding lead; doing it via your local council's early help hub; asking any professional to start the early help assessment process (teacher, doctor). That assessment is multi agency and will kick start the school engaging with you.

@GoldenPlanet you may find this helpful.

https://www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-a-z-mental-health-guide/early-help-and-early-intervention-services/

I don't know if it's been mentioned but there is a Facebook group called Not Fine in School which may be able to help. You could also look into and understand more about home education (as its not necessarily what you think). Look at www.educationotherwise.org and www.educationalfreedom.org.uk. De-registering might be what he needs right now, and you don't have to jump in to creating a school at home type environment. There is also www.parentingmentalhealth.org which has help, advice and support available. At the moment your son cannot attend school for reasons he may not understand. I've been that child and I've also had the same with my children. Instead of focusing on getting him in, begin to focus on support, alternatives etc.

it was the pastoral staff that I spoke to this morning. I’ve called back and asked for a meeting with the HOY or SENCO, but they just said they’ll get the HOY to call me back.

He’s mostly been playing on his Nintendo Switch today. He did tell me that when he was at school, a girl asked DS1 if DS2 was his brother, and DS1 said no but DS2 said that’s not the reason why he doesn’t want to go. I will speak to DS1 once he’s home.