DS hasn't been to school yet this academic year

[GoldenPlanet]

I wasn't sure what to title this and that's not the main issue really. Will try keep this brief and will answer any questions.

I have 2 DS’s DS1 is 16 in November and DS2 is 15 in about 2 weeks. They have totally different personalities, DS1 is more outgoing and very popular whereas DS2 is quiet and sensitive. They both share a room and do share some interests

He started secondary school and struggled to fit in immediately, DS1 would say he would follow him around at lunch which he hated, he likes football but not playing it so he'd stand there watching them which DS1 would say was embarrassing. He then started saying he was “emo”, started listening to rock bands, wearing black, painting his nails , he tried to put eyeliner on, I sort of left him be though this has been the case for 3 years now! He dyes his hair black and has done for the last 2 years, maybe I shouldn't allow it but school allow natural colours so I don't know. Initially he did it on his own (in the summer before year 8) so I thought better I know? I do worry about the damage it's doing to his hair though.

Anyway, he did become friendly with some boys from drama club but never really hung around with them in school, DS1 said he'd see him on his own and DS1 never wanted anything to do with him in school. He’d constantly say we didn't care about him and I didn't understand him etc etc, that he had no friends, he was called weird etc. I may have posted something on here on a different account at the time I'm unsure. This was in Y7 and 8 mostly.

He cares a lot about his hair and looks. In year 9 things ramped up a lot, I guess because of puberty and this is another issue because he hates it. He's been crying more often and it's hard to tell him everyone is uncomfortable during puberty because he sees DS1 and he's very confident and has told him in the past to stop being dramatic (which didn't help!). His behaviour in school really slipped too, he was getting negative behaviour points, skipping lessons and giving attitude which is so not like him.

He began school refusal and I tried everything, taking his devices until he went and this would work but then he didn't go in the last 2 weeks. He didn't have any devices at all but didn't care he just said I didn't understand him and hated him. Summer was terrible I gave his devices back but they were arguing constantly, DS2 would complain about DS1 spraying deodorant in their room. Constant fighting and DS2’s attitude was terrible toward both myself and DS1. He cried a lot and seemed so angry. He stole alcohol and got extremely drunk.

He was meant to go back to school on Wednesday but refused and is adament he's not going back ever. It just feels really extreme. DS1 isn't like this, I grew up with 2 brothers and neither of them was like this either.

CAMHS referral was put in but God knows when they'll see him, it was a struggle trying to get the GP to even refer as they didn't understand the issue and kept brushing it off as normal

Could you pay for some private counselling rather than wait for CAMHS? I think I would do that in your situation.

I think DS2 is suffering from not being as confident as his older brother.
DS1 is not kind enough to adore his kid brother and see his 'weirdness' as induvidual expression not failure and embarrassment inducing.

Yes, give each brother more space at home.
Yes, be prepared to swap schools if DS2 wants that.
It is important that DS2 gets back into school.

You also could be encouraging DS2 to join external drama groups (Perform in town play), join local brass band which often is free, join local historical group etc. so school is not the only outlet.
Your boys are not alike; support them to develop their own strengths.

Does he read? If so, maybe give him this book:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Lonely-Castle-Mirror-bestseller-highlight/dp/1529176662/ref=sr_1_1?dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.LKWA6V51jEhnJGAFRxqRKwd4DXDd97zPaWJ9j9rS189hnb-NP5Wlisjxzqe5dEy495lLmCfL8xUKfsi1k0DtRyzMUNVUBnrrx5KoG0RFQahZR6W_sFi8xCubJ70tPK-DwCvatqtQoVI7jxq6HZRkpiRD9iBQr0RcXcIT_BKk-pJPl5gohRAFBXJuYUCEJSk4AUOTo0jbSQVDdE8msslrrkrVECo-heOKaGnGJ2KVDkQ.VjzPPrp-pfeJCm-c8fawJ9Jpmqvg3hXj6yo-N8iXLUo&dib_tag=se&keywords=lonely+castle+in+the+mirror&qid=1757309212&sr=8-1

Lonely castle in the mirror.

It is an award-winning book from Japan (which has a much bigger problem with school refusal)

It is a novel for teenagers from the perspective of a group of kids who have each started to refuse to attend school. Nothing preachy. It doesn't talk down to them or judge them, but shows from their perspective why school became impossible.

I'm not saying it will solve his problem, but maybe it will allow dialog to flow and make him feel less alone.

I agree. It helped me as a parent understand more myself. It's also a wonderful book in general.

OP, I have school refusers plural so I empathise. They are improving but I am not counting chickens. There are also other options, online schooling, workbooks, even YouTube for the academics part. There may also be some groups that meet in your area.

I don't really have much practical advice but, most importantly, you are not alone in this and even if it feels like it, you are not the only mum in this situation. Feel free to DM me if you like as another mum who has been in a similar situation.

I think you need to listen to your son and stop thinking that school is the best place for him. School is optional, education is compulsory. School doesn't suit every child. Is home education an option? I would also stop 'punishing' him by taking devices etc. Look up Naomi Fisher on Facebook, she talks alot about this kind of thing. Even if home education is not an option, if he is unable to attend school the local authority are duty bound to provide an education under section 19 of the education act which means he may be able ti get tutors etc. I would take a pause trying to get your son into school and actually hear him.

DS2 is not and never will be DS1.

DS2 has no escape from his brother either at home or at school.

Do you work OP could he be educated at home? Or with a revised timetable from school?

Another option is college, you can go to college from 14. He would not get a full range of GCSEs, he would probably take English and maths and possibly science and along side that he could do a Level 2 course that is equivalent to GCSEs.

I was miserable in VI form, it put me in hospital and I hardly attended. It was the wrong place for me but my older brother had enjoyed it so that is where I was sent.

My relationship with my parents never really recovered.

I think he definitely needs space at home.

I'd give him my room if I was you. He needs to feel that he has somewhere he can be himself. If ds1 moans about him having a bigger room than him, deal with it...its a plus for them both having their own space. (I know it won't be great for you as you loose your room but to me it feels worth it)

Im his eyes, he has pretty much been in the shadow of his confident "has it easy" brother forever.

I would also discuss with him a feesh start at another school if that is at all possible. You say its too late as they have picked options, but if he is school refusing, then he's not going anyway.

Not all social housing providers. There are some London councils that say same gender siblings can share up to 21. And do you honestly think you get automatically rehoused by the council ?! And where is op supposed to magic an extra bedroom from Give your head a little wobble

Haven't properly read through all the replies yet.

Yes, I know he's already school refusing but at his new school he'd have whatever options are left so unlikely ones he's chosen which could cause more issues if he's studying things he has no interest in, also in year 10 they have already established friendships so it’d be a struggle unfortunately. He doesn't have SEN.

They aren't in the same school years (DS1 is year 11) so he does get an escape from him, yes they see each other on their breaks and lunches but it's not every day either. Home education isn't possible as I work (albeit from him) and I worry he'd be more isolated than he already is.

I know them sharing a room isn't ideal but I can't afford to move

It sounds like he has undiagnosed SEND

I worked in housing for ten years.There's absolutely no way they get their own rooms if the same sex. There are no rules around overcrowding that include sharing rooms.

@GoldenPlanet have you even asked him about moving schools , options are irrelevant if he’s not going to be attending anyway and this poor kid needs a fresh start away from his brother , who frankly is not helping this situation .

Absolutely, I love it on here when people spout this nonsense, talk about privileged lives. Even 40 yrs ago when housing was far more plentiful, same siblings shared often much larger families too, and different sex siblings only after the age of 10 were eligible, but even then it wasn't a given. I shared with DM until I was 17 before we were rehoused.
Besides, the current housing costs/ availability. Clueless!

The school said they had no concerns regarding SEN, that he's capable when he tries but they did agree he struggled to make friends and had him in a social skills club thing once a week during form time but then DS1 would say he'd tell the boys he was friendly with he didn't want to hang around with them so he did have friends he just didn't want to hang around with them.

I don't know if he is struggling with his sexuality, last year he was saying he was non binary and wanted to keep his name but be called they, myself and DS1 did because it wasn't a big deal, that lasted from around Dec 2023-May 2024 and then he wanted to be called he again.

I haven't mentioned moving schools to him yet, no. I don't think i’d be able to afford a move either as I've just bought a whole new uniform for the school he's currently at. I wouldn't afford a totally different schools uniform on top of that

You aren't helping by making comparisons to your other son and your own brothers. Every child is different. He is clearly unhappy and not being heard at the moment, and yet the focus is on punishing him (taking devices) rather than putting actual plans in place to support him. He doesn't have to go to school. He really doesn't. I know you say it will further isolate him, but he's not going anyway and even if he was is he really thriving there? Working full time from home and home educating is possible, I do it. Education at home doesn't have to look anything like school at home. You have to parent th3 child you have in front of you, not a future version, not an aspirational version you have of him. And right now, he's unhappy.

I haven't mentioned moving schools to him yet, no. I don't think i’d be able to afford a move either as I've just bought a whole new uniform for the school he's currently at. I wouldn't afford a totally different schools uniform on top of that
Seriously , you’ve got a kid who needs MH input , school avoidance and is skin picking and your concern is buying a uniform . You need to get your priorities in order .

Could he not sit his GCSEs at a local college? In my experience these are often better settings for kids like your son. I briefly worked in one in the maths department when I was at uni and honestly some of the kids who came in were so much more confident by the end of it and I wasn’t even there that long.

Stop comparing him to other people. Just dont.

You can still have SEN needs yet be academically able. There is things such as high functioning autism - struggle with the social side but acadmeically fine.
i would ask him if hed like to move schools, options are irrelevant if hes refusing to attend. Sounds like your against him moving (i.e moaning about things like uniform ) but want a magic answer without really making much changes.

Really ? Not in my area. Not everyone can afford an extra bedroom.

I agree with moving school. He’s in his brother’s shadow.

Yes, I take devices as I would if DS1 refused to go to school. I can't have him at home all day with his phone/Nintendo switch/ DS and taking DS1’s devices if he started refusing. So then id be stuck with them both on devices and not going to school. I've told him he has to at least try and go if he wants his devices back but he's quite happy to just lay in bed, though he has been going on DS1’s playstation as that's in their room.

I am worried about buying new uniform yes, I have to budget and save all year to afford it so I can't just go out and buy a brand new uniform that he might not even wear. No colleges near us do 14+ courses

It's hard to think of starting at a new school because we expect our kids to stay in one place. But kids move all the time, friendships are fluid and he might be absolutely fine with whatever options are available. So he can't do Business but maybe Art is available or he gets to try Geology... Who knows unless you talk to him and have a look.

As adults, if we aren't happy in one workplace, we look for another. Starting over can be hard, but a new start can also be exciting.

You said "at least at the current school he does have his brother" but then go on to say "though DS1 is always with his friends and tells DS2 people think he's weird".
Stop thinking of his brother as a protective factor.

How about instead of thinking of it that he won't go to school, but instead he can't? He isn't choosing this. I can't get on board with taking devices when he's clearly unhappy. And it's obviously not effective as he isn't bothered by you taking them. You seem to just want an easy answer to this, unfortunately there isn't one. Look up and educate yourself in EBSA (emotional based school avoidance). Do some pretty deep diving into mental health and boys, rather than wishing and hoping that this goes away overnight. An alternative school might help, but it also may not. Maybe he needs some recovery time, to discover who is, explore his interests and passions in a safe space at home? There's no hurry to do GCSEs despitr what society tells us, he can sit them later on when he is happier. Right now he's mental health is more important that anything. Trust me, I know the feeling of just wanting your child to get on with it and be 'normal', like other children. Screaming inside and thinking 'why can't you just go to school like other children?!' but you need face what is happening now, the child in front of you now.

Thats why you take him to look at other schools first and speak to them about his current behaviour & if they can meet his needs or not, he can wear his shirt, school trousers & shoes if you explain to the new school about costs!
honestly your asking for answers but your not actually open to them - you need to stop comparing your child & being rigid as this will not help him.
Your childs mental health is important - he is not happy living in his brothers shadow nor being at that school - why are you beating a dead horse thst school is not the answer.

This sounds a bit judgemental. I'm assuming because there isn't enough space for them to have their own room. Not everyone can afford to buy / rent a house with additional bedrooms. And social housing do not allow for same sex children to have their own room...