DS hasn't been to school yet this academic year

[GoldenPlanet]

I wasn't sure what to title this and that's not the main issue really. Will try keep this brief and will answer any questions.

I have 2 DS’s DS1 is 16 in November and DS2 is 15 in about 2 weeks. They have totally different personalities, DS1 is more outgoing and very popular whereas DS2 is quiet and sensitive. They both share a room and do share some interests

He started secondary school and struggled to fit in immediately, DS1 would say he would follow him around at lunch which he hated, he likes football but not playing it so he'd stand there watching them which DS1 would say was embarrassing. He then started saying he was “emo”, started listening to rock bands, wearing black, painting his nails , he tried to put eyeliner on, I sort of left him be though this has been the case for 3 years now! He dyes his hair black and has done for the last 2 years, maybe I shouldn't allow it but school allow natural colours so I don't know. Initially he did it on his own (in the summer before year 8) so I thought better I know? I do worry about the damage it's doing to his hair though.

Anyway, he did become friendly with some boys from drama club but never really hung around with them in school, DS1 said he'd see him on his own and DS1 never wanted anything to do with him in school. He’d constantly say we didn't care about him and I didn't understand him etc etc, that he had no friends, he was called weird etc. I may have posted something on here on a different account at the time I'm unsure. This was in Y7 and 8 mostly.

He cares a lot about his hair and looks. In year 9 things ramped up a lot, I guess because of puberty and this is another issue because he hates it. He's been crying more often and it's hard to tell him everyone is uncomfortable during puberty because he sees DS1 and he's very confident and has told him in the past to stop being dramatic (which didn't help!). His behaviour in school really slipped too, he was getting negative behaviour points, skipping lessons and giving attitude which is so not like him.

He began school refusal and I tried everything, taking his devices until he went and this would work but then he didn't go in the last 2 weeks. He didn't have any devices at all but didn't care he just said I didn't understand him and hated him. Summer was terrible I gave his devices back but they were arguing constantly, DS2 would complain about DS1 spraying deodorant in their room. Constant fighting and DS2’s attitude was terrible toward both myself and DS1. He cried a lot and seemed so angry. He stole alcohol and got extremely drunk.

He was meant to go back to school on Wednesday but refused and is adament he's not going back ever. It just feels really extreme. DS1 isn't like this, I grew up with 2 brothers and neither of them was like this either.

CAMHS referral was put in but God knows when they'll see him, it was a struggle trying to get the GP to even refer as they didn't understand the issue and kept brushing it off as normal

That'd be a hassle though, constantly taking it out of their room and giving it back, whilst trying to work and do everything else. DS2 would still have the tv too which has Netflix on so he'd still be able to watch things.

I think being new and surrounded by people who have been there since year 7 would make him more anxious than he already is.

I've never asked him to change how he looks, how he has his hair/eye liner or his nails I don't care how he looks. He has been asking for a lip and eyebrow piercing for over a year and I've said when he leaves school he can as I don't think a 14yo (then 13) can get a those piercings at least not from a reputable piercer and the rules for school means no facial piercings anyway. I've also bought him tickets for the my chemical romance concert next year, he doesn't know yet as its for his birthday/Christmas present (I'll still get him Christmas presents but they were quite expensive for just a birthday) so I don't have an issue with his interests.

I've been trying to get him help since 13, there was a CAMHS referral but we've not had an appointment and the GP didn't seem to understand the issue, I had a phone consultation and they said the crying a lot is normal and it's just hormones and didn't offer much for the other issues. It was really just brushed off as being a teen. I can't afford to go private, it's just my income.

This post has made me really sad. I actually think he is crying out for help here

You need to be talking much more with school about this. He could go in late, have a reduced timetable... they will have kids who need support and adjustments in every year now and the ramp up at the start of Y10 is a classic trigger point. CAMHS takes far too long and sorting out bedrooms is not "enough" of a solution.

Engage with school with it as a MH issue. Not just his tutor, HoY at least.

If he is unable to attend for more than I think 3 weeks - or it is looking likely that he won't - LA have a responsibility to put alternative provision in place. The problem is that all too often, it takes months and by the time this actually happens the child might no longer able to engage much at all. Look up Section 19. In practice it can be hard to secure and a fraction of a full time education but that might be too much for him anyway. As a Y10 he should be a priority to get something in place. Also if you go in as someone who knows he has a right to a FT education that he is able to access, and you convince them that he is "can't not won't" - that this is MH not wilfulness - school are more likely to work harder with you to adjust his school day to one he can access. Too often kids miss out on anything for months on end when their parents don't realise (and school certainly don't tell them) that school or LA can do more to help.

This post has made me really sad. I actually think he is crying out for help here. This isn’t a small problem to solve. I hate to be dramatic or put pressure on u, u need to take his baggier really seriously. This has the potential to escalate fast. Try everything to help him. This isn’t just one chat with the GP. It’s get an urgent referral. My gut feeling (paediatric nurse with experience in cahms and have children who are neurodiverse ) is that he is undiagnosed autistic. Going undiagnosed often comes thru as annxiety and depression. You really have to fight so hard to get any help for our kids. I mean like constant phone calls and meetings and emails. Endlessly untill help is saught.

what is your relationship like? I can’t imagine me and my eldest in this situation, no judgement. Just saying that our dialogue is open and deep and the times he’s struggled I’ve heard him and got him counselling. Boys mental health scares me, and needs to be taken very seriously.

take him to the gp, ket him listen to your concerns as u tell the gp. Let him know u see his pain and are worried about him. His emotions are not managed. His inability to have relationships, to not want to go to school or learn and seems lost on his path forwards.

I hope my reply made sense, I just really wanted to reply. I hope that u find a way forward. This isn’t about him missing school. The inconvenience of it all. It might help dealing with the bedroom situation. Swap rooms with them and get a room divider at the very least.

I feel for him so much. It’s horrible to feel lost, different, invisible and not able to manage your emotions

It takes 5 seconds to unplug a playstation & take it away. Have you spoken to him yet about what you can do to help him?

I think he should maybe spend more time with his dad, or your dad, or uncles, if he has any. At this age, he really needs male role models in his life. Does he do any sports or at least ride a bike? All this emo stuff is a result of loneliness, unhappiness and too much free time. He lacks agency and focus in life. I don't think - as a mom - you can do anything more here. I think as parents we often worry too much these days. Many of us were such teens and a pain in the bum to our parents many years ago, but we tend to forget.

It is sad. He's desperately unhappy and showing you that, especially if he's crying. Stop punishing him, let him play the PlayStation, speak to him, take the pressure off, there are no timelines for GCSEs, he can do them whenever. First, he needs to recover. You need to be more forceful with school and GP. I agree with a PP that this could escalate quickly. TRIGGER WARNING
A friends son took his own life at 15 completely unexpectedly. Boys don't often show you when they are struggling or it's too late when they do. Your boy is showing you. Listen to him. There's a really good book called about parenting mental health called 'Never Let Go', it's written by the founder of the charity Parenting Mental Health. It's gone beyond taking away PlayStations and punishments now, he's sad and unhappy, time to parent the child in front of you and help him.

But he wouldn't necessarily be surrounded by people who have known each other since year 7! I have DSs in years 8 and 11. New kids join their school quite regularly for loads of different reasons. It's a big school and DS1 has some classes with kids he's never seen before. He wouldn't know if they're new or have just been in different classes until now. He doesn't care- just gets on with working with them.

You sound really defeated. I know it's hard. It would be much easier if DS2 just stepped up and got on with it. But he can't. So you have to step up for him.

Arrange visits to different local schools. What is the worst thing that could happen??

"at least at the current school he does have his brother though DS1 is always with his friends and tells DS2 people think he's weird and if he wasn't people would like him"

But he doesn't have his brother at his current school, does he?

DS1 may well be tired of his younger brother hanging around but I think DS1 is a large part of the problem if he says undermining things like DS2 is wierd. You've mentioned several of the unsupportive things he's said to DS1.

I agree with @Meadowfinch you need to have a firm word with DS1 to back right off. He is hindering rather than helping. It sounds like a bit of bullying tbf. But that maybe because he's fed up of having a young brother too involved in his life and feeling responsible for him.

You also talk about DS1 almost like a father figure, someone who can help you sort out DS2. That's not his job. He's been relied on too much in the past. It hasn't been a success, And he doesn't want to do it anyway. And he is allowed to give opinions on DS2 as if he's in charge of DS2. He isn't. You are. It's natural to do this but you do compare the two a lot in your posts and DS2 will certainly have picked up on this and be very sensitive about it. So although its difficult you have to make a real effort to stop doing this.

They are cooped up together at home in the same room and also see each other at school. Maybe you shouldn't dismiss the change of schools idea quite so readily.The emphasis seems to be on DS2 making friends. But he's still quite young, you mention drama friends possibilities.. keep encouraging him to go to that. You say he lacks the confidence for drama, but that's exactly what it is good for... and he may be shy of displaying his enthusiasm in front of you and DS1.

There's already good advice on this thread about where to get help to get back to school but maybe some of the following might help, apologies in advance. if you've already tried these things.

Could he do any afterschool clubs?. Football is only good at the right level for him... but a weekend club with several grades of teams would be much better than expecting school football to do much as its often hard to get picked for the school team. What's local to you? Or could he do a climbing wall or local canoe club? Any kind of Karate, or Skateboarding? as they are not team sports but would get him out and about, which would increase his confidence.

Maybe try breaking up the normal patterns?
Could you have some one on one time with him at weekends... take him out somewhere? And try to get him to talk, but avoid going straight into topics like what do you want to do with your life, like the plague. And when are you going to go back to school. Talk about anything, his favourite music, films... anything and eventually he might start to open up. The idea is to get him to realise that there's no agenda to the outing, just hanging out and chatting. I get the impression that at the moment he's just saying No to everything, could that be depression?

Is he doing GCSE options that he actually likes or what is "sensible".. he will do better in things he actually wants to do.

Don't have any parenting chats with DS1 around to butt in. And don't rely on asking DS1's advice. He's 16 and he doesn't know, but it puts him in an untenable position to DS2. These should be one to one.

Finally don't panic.. all is not lost. Terms only just started. Keep trying, you'll find a way with him. Best of luck

I know you say you don’t think he is being bullied - and maybe not in the sense that he isn’t getting physically assaulted but he is clearly a very unhappy boy and cannot cope with being at school.
Please don’t bury your head in the sand - if you think there is even the slightest chance he is being picked on then allow him to talk about it (even if it is painful for you to hear) and try to really listen and understand his feelings as to why he won’t go to school.
I completely agree with others who have said that the important thing here is to take the pressure off him and and seek out help to get him the mental health support that he needs. Until he has that school is probably not the priority.
His older brother needs to back off and perhaps be asked to show a little more kindness and empathy for his younger brother.

Just wanted to say @GoldenPlanet that on reading all your posts, its obvious that you are trying really hard to help him and doing your best. Its not easy. They can be exasperating at that age and its hard to know what to do, especially where you have to work within restrictions.
I think you have to keep trying to unravel it from all angles... and take the wins where you can. Hopefully there have been some suggestions to help.

Did all of this ramp up after his 3 weeks in Scotland with his dad? It doesn't sound like that went very well or that his Dad handled things well. It's pointless, as he did, saying to someone stop being in a mood as it does nothing to get them out of it and only makes things worse. Maybe 3 weeks of that was enough to get him to really dig his heels in.

I hope you get some help from the school with this.

Also re the spots. There are a lot of relatable tik toks etc... which have good ideas on skin care and are very clear about not picking spots. Maybe posting on the heath and beauty boards would get some ideas about teen skin care which he might try... one problem at a time.

As I said I don't expect much from DS1, I wanted him to wait for DS2 when he first started year 7 but that was only for a few weeks. It's hard to do much I WFH but I'm also self employed so if I dont work I won't get paid.

He doesn't do sports and he prefers to watch football rather than play, he is a ball boy for the local football team. He does that when they have a home game but apart from that he doesn't do much else, he's been doing it since last September and does seem to enjoy it.

I've asked if he's been bullied he said no but I appreciate he could be hiding it, it hasn't got worse since he's been with his dad no. He was school refusing before the summer too and the behaviour was the same with constantly arguing, he stole the alcohol etc. I thought maybe going to see his dad and having a change of scenery etc would help but it hasn't.

I have bought him cream and such for his face but he doesn't use it, he just goes on about now it's unfair DS1 doesn't get spots but I don't think DS2 constantly touching his face and picking them helps as he's spreading them.

I do try to comfort him when he cries but he doesn't let me hug him at all

I don’t know whether your son has SEN or not but school saying he is capable isn’t really relevant. He could be autistic for example especially as you mention school tried him with social skills but he didn’t want to continue hanging around with the other children . I would be exploring the possibility of autism or adhd for example.

The friends he made were separate to the social skills club, those boys were actually in his year whereas the club had different year groups. It didn't seem to make much difference but he doesn't seem to care as much as he did in year 7 and 8. Last academic year he'd be in the library most lunchtimes drawing or getting his homework done

I do plan on calling the school tomorrow

Your son doesn't 'fit in' at home, at school or with his dad. That must be a horrible feeling. How good are the school about recognising possible SN? Ring the school tomorrow, make an appointment to go in and see them (take time from work if you have to). Seek some support from online groups (as suggested here). He's your son and you need to make some effort. Lots of helpful suggestions here but you have ignored most of them. Talk to both of your sons and work out how you can try to make the living arrangements at home better.

Poor kid lives with his bully and has to go to school with his bully. No wonder he's depressed.

I would just add that parental pressure to "put himself out there"/join clubs etc can be taken by YP to mean parents are validating their belief that they are social failures. There comes a time to stop trying to fix that one - instead tell him he's enough as he is, you will always want to spend time with him etc. Find ways to connect with him. Play his playstation with him instead of banning it, or if he watches YouTubers playing the games, encourage him to watch them in the living room so you pick up a bit.

Btw refusing hugs, disliking the feel of cream & smell of deodorant all sound like sensory things that can be associated with autism. However - and I cannot emphasise this enough - his MH issues are likely to be much more urgent than an autism diagnosis would be and you need to get help for the child you have right now. Nothing magical happens with a diagnosis and it's really important not to wait on one. But it can be helpful to read up on autism to help you be a better "detective" in understanding where he might be coming from.

Could you use your bedroom as a pressure valve? Give one of them (whichever you trust more) squatting rights there of an evening?

I also would say move him to a different school. Having picked options doesn’t mean he can’t swap. He might be so much better away from his brother and with a fresh start. Must be hard being the younger sibling of a confident elder one esp if you are not the outgoing type.

I would also swap rooms so at least their shared room is bigger.

This must be so hard for you @GoldenPlanet can't add anything except to say keep trying to unravel the knots. Its very encouraging that he enjoys his football ball boy job at the weekends. Anything to distract him from feeling down.
I hope you have a good response from calling the school. Take care of yourself too x

Exactly this, comes through this post as clear as day.

OP, you are saying your 2 DS give you opposite accounts of what happened, and you always believe DS1, every time. He is treated like the ‘adult’ and DS2 like the misbehaving child.

He has an absent father who isn’t supportive and engaged, an older brother he looked up to who wants nothing to do with him, and a mother who is focused on his ‘school refusal’ rather than his deep unhappiness.

I hope things get better for you all but while you continue to benchmark DS2 against his ‘normal, successful, popular’ brother I can’t see that they will.

Sorry but it sounds awful for him. You are constantly comparing him to his perfect popular older brother and are more worried about paying for another uniform than moving him when it could be the best thing in this situation?
a new school where he isn’t in the shadow of his brother could really help. I would also push for MH support; arrange a meeting with the SENCO, ask for his tutors input as well as class teachers. Many will see him infrequently due to nature of secondary lessons, most will be English and maths teachers at 4 hours each a week. Speak to pastoral support; he needs help with social skills and peer support. The skin picking, anxiety, friendship issues all scream ND to me so I’d be pursuing this through GP and SENCO.
if you can give them their own space, I would. Diving the biggest room, converting a dining room, you sleeping in living room etc. seems like the poor boy is living literally in his brothers shadow and feeling shit about it

He does not HAVE to go to school to do exams. These days there are many ways to home ed and get exams without school. Socialisation can come from groups and hobbies he chooses. OP please listen to your son. He's a square peg in a round hole. There is nothing wrong with this. You just need to find the square hole he fits in.

Autism sounds very likely to me. I have one school refuser (thankfully now back in school) diagnosed autistic and despite blindingly obvious issues with anxiety, social skills etc school always insisted he was 'fine'.

Recent research found that 83% of children with emotionally based school anxiety were autistic. Autistic people are also more likely to be non binary or have gender dysphoria. Plus all the social skills issues, fidgeting with spots, smell sensitivity etc.

CAMHS are frankly useless - at least in my area I don't know anyone who has had anything useful other than diagnosis. You could go through right to choose which is faster.

I don’t mean to seem unkind but you seem unwilling to do anything that is even the slightest “hassle” for you - even moving the PS is too much work.

You seem similarly reluctant to look into other schools or move the bedrooms around so they at least share the bigger one too.

Would another school potentially have second hand uniform available or a hardship fund for this sort of situation? At least to cover some of it. And potentially the shirts, trousers etc might be the same?