Page 9 | What is the "mental load"

Noideamatey · 2025-09-07T18:09:54+00:00

As a single parent for many years, I just don't understand the hoo ha around the "mental load" that's just remembering stuff and being a functioning adult right?

Busybeemumm · 08/09/2025 13:10

BoredZelda · 08/09/2025 11:47

That and, when your kids start school, you fill in the forms with your details because why wouldn’t you? It make sense just to do that little bit, easy enough. It’s only a few months later you realise how much that adds to your workload. The mass emails (90% of which are irrelevant to you but you have to read them to know that), the invites to the assembly/show/class activity/sports day/learning cafe/ “it’s Tuesday” meeting. The reminders it is world book day/dress up for charity/dress down for charity/ dress up for Tuesday. The notification that the PTA still needs members, why aren’t you a member yet, don’t you care about your children? You are called first for every eventuality. My advice to anyone is set up a “family” email for this stuff and make sure everyone has access to it.

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Oh all that too! It's just so automatic that don't even consider it now. I'm going to look into the family email suggestion- but suspect I might be the only one who looks at it!

ShesTheAlbatross · 08/09/2025 13:12

PermanentTemporary · 08/09/2025 11:29

I know it when I see it.

A friend of mine (part time GP, 3 kids, two cats) was once informed by her (lovely, capable) partner at 1 hours’ notice that another family were coming over to stay for the weekend. Holding on to her hat, she asked if he’d thought what they were all going to eat. His response was ‘something always turns up’. Which it does, because she thinks about not just the next meal, but a range of possibilities.

Likewise, her 3 kids have at various times changed schools, done out of school activities that challenge them, volunteered for things relevant to their eventual careers, had major health issues such as broken bones and rehab for them, and are exceptional social nodes for a large circle of friends, whose parents she knows well and for whom she is a close and wonderful friend. Meantime, she’s done well professionally herself, and so has her partner, and their parents are looked after into extreme old age.

THAT’s the mental load. Not just ‘all fed and nobody dead’ which I’m not knocking in itself, it’s wanting and achieving more than that for your family. Thriving in a broader way.

“Something always turns up”

Ah the food fairy at work again, what would he do without her.

Busybeemumm · 08/09/2025 13:13

It's also other professionals who think that mum's are the default parent.

DH puts in an online consult for DC health issue. GP calls me to talk about the issue not the parent who put the form in. I asked the GP about this and asked why he didn't call the parent who actually requested an appointment . He didn't know why! DH was actually at home with me when the GP called as well so know he didn't try DH first.

Busybeemumm · 08/09/2025 13:16

Noelshighflyingturds · 08/09/2025 12:07

It’s things like my ex ordering School shoes online half size 2 big because he can’t be asked going to a shop to actually get his feet measured and see if these things actually fit him leaving me with the consequences of a child with blisters on their feet and not being able to walk all weekend Having to then go and buy insoles that cost nearly as much as the fucking shoes

And then having to persuade the kid to put those shoes back on their feet knowing that they’ll probably be in pain because I can’t afford any alternative
A normal mother would’ve just taken him to Clarks and get them measured In the first place.

Oh dear I totally sympathise. This is why we end up doing it in the first place to avoid your scenario ala mental load pile on.

Busybeemumm · 08/09/2025 13:21

Busybeemumm · 08/09/2025 10:30

possibly due to mat leave establishing a pattern
I was thinking just the other day, how did i get here about mental load and doing everything and think this is when it started-maternity leave😳

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On reflection it may have started before maternity leave- tracking ovulation, TTC etc😅

Fizbosshoes · 08/09/2025 13:24

FairKoala · 08/09/2025 11:23

I once started to open a new online bank account. After the umpteenth password, passcode and secret number code I was asked to make up I gave up.

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The other things is companies making it really difficult/almost impossible to find phone numbers to speak to an actual person.
Then you call the number and have to listen to at least 5 min of waffle saying "didnt you know you can do this so easily on our website/app" but often if you can speak to someone it can be sorted....but it wastes 10 min looking for the phone number and another 5 listening to the waffle plus 20 min in the queue....something than, in essence should have been quick to sort out takes half an hour+

It's easy to make a direct debit....except our water supplier stopped our direct debit with no warning. DH called to reinstate it, they said they had but actually they hadn't so cue phone calls from debt agencies etc and then start a payment plan...which is way more faffy than a direct debit!

DS had big growth spurt a couple of years ago. DH made lots of jokes about his too short school trousers, "is he expecting a flood ?, has he borrowed someone's trousers etc? V funny. It literally wouldn't occur to him to order new trousers, he honestly wouldn't know what size to even get. I dont know if he's read and acted on a school email....and our youngest child is year 11

RobinTheCavewoman · 08/09/2025 13:27

You're right OP, but a weird thing happens to some men when they get a wife/partner rendering them incapable of carrying their own or their own children's mental load. Strange isn't it as for us women it's almost like life admin/remembering stuff for others comes naturally so we should just do it because we're so good at it 🤪

EuclidianGeometryFan · 08/09/2025 13:30

gannett · 08/09/2025 09:43

I think "mental load" is a parenting thing before it's a female thing. The dads I know all look as stressed and tired as the mums. I was told on another thread that the "mental load" didn't apply to me as a child-free woman, which is correct to be honest, and sort of the point.

As with everything else to do with how hard parenting is, part of me thinks, well, you signed up for it all. There was always the option NOT to have a mental load involving endless school letters and buying kids' shoes. (As an aside how often do you even have to buy school uniforms and trainers etc? Surely that's not exactly an everyday task?)

As for the fact that all of your husbands don't pull their weight... it's just not reflected in my social circle. Like I said, most dads I know look knackered. Very few of my friends who are mums have complained about a husband who doesn't do his fair share. In my relationship, DP is the house-proud neat freak and I'm probably the one who doesn't pull my weight domestically, if I'm being honest.

Finding a partner who will pull his weight and then ensuring that happens is something you have agency over. At every stage.

I also suspect a lot of women take on an entirely unnecessary "mental load" - there are always a few who say that remembering their in-laws presents (and cards?!) is part of the mental load. I have no sympathy at all with that. Just don't do it.

(As an aside how often do you even have to buy school uniforms and trainers etc? Surely that's not exactly an everyday task?)

The mental load is knowing that you bought trainers 3 months ago, so DC is likely to outgrow them in the next 3 months, so registering it in your brain that this will be around Christmas time, then at Christmas time remembering that DC now likely needs new trainers. (And not forgetting that in amongst all the other stuff going on around that time of year).
Not relying on DC saying "my trainers are too tight" because the damage to their feet has already started at that point.

The mental load is holding stuff in your head - remembering, anticipating, planning. Not the actual buying of trainers.

MageQueen · 08/09/2025 13:31

I will say that the mental load can be reduced or more fairly split if the other person is willing to step up. In our case, I still do the majority butI can cope becuase 1) DH has taken on at least some of it 2) he takes on a larger proportion of the doing and c) when he screws up he no longer attempts to make it my fault! This is a HUGE one and is something I see a lot. Men either blaming women because they were in the wrong place/missed something OR men throwing their hands up and going, "Oh, I can never get anythingright because she's so demanding" about stupid things like being expected to remember a dance class time, what's needed for the dance class, and how long it will take to get to the dance class!

Case in point to show how things have improved on this at our house. we (I) buy DCat's food in bulk. We have a container that is kept in the cupboard and we top up from the big bag into the more accessible container as needed. I did it shortly before we went on holiday and remember thinking, "next time I fill this I'll need to order more cat food after". So on Friday, when I went to find the cat food to refill, I was surprised to discover there was none.

It turned out the container had got lower at some point and DH had filled it up to use up the last of the big bag. great. But it did NOT occur to him to buy more cat food or even to mention it to me, as the person who usually buys the cat food. Not once. Not when he emptied the big bag. Not on any of the occassions he would have fed the cat and seen the container getting lower and lower. Nope. He just didn't think about it.

In the past, he would have been defensive etc. This time, he said sorry and then offered to make a big detour after work the following day to a shop that has a 50% chance of seeling what we need.

5128gap · 08/09/2025 13:32

Its a handy term to describe the invisible work required to ensure life runs smoothly for yourself anyone you're responsible for, and anyone you shouldn't really be responsible for, but who has manipulated you into it by opting out themselves. It's been given a term because otherwise it gets discounted as a contribution, as its not something you can see being done. So the person who physically goes to the shop with the list is credited with 'doing the shopping', while the person who has planned the meals, knows what is already in and what needs buying, has worked out the budget, and written the list, is not. Mental load recognises their contribution.

Fizbosshoes · 08/09/2025 13:42

InMyOpenOnion · 07/09/2025 19:45

I tend to think of it as the difference between the physical execution of activities versus all the background prep and maintenence for them. For example, my friend's DH tells everyone that he does the kids' football activity. Sure, he physically takes them on Saturday mornings, but their mum is the one on the WhatsApp group keeping track of where the matches are, buying the boots, making sure their kit fits, and washing it every week. She's carrying the mental load, even though her husband thinks he "does the football".

Edited

My DS was in a sports team several years ago. They asked for a parent volunteer to sort out teams/fixtures. I'd done it before and knew it was a ballache. DH suggested we do it "together."
i dont know why i agreed. What happened was i created a whatsapp group, emailed other clubs, arranged dates, booked space for the match, sorted out teams, found out address of away club.....and DH would drive DS and maybe a team mate there....(after id given him the address and found out how long it took to get there) and then I would submit the results to the club.

Dymaxion · 09/09/2025 23:06

I think it is summed up quite neatly by your partner looking stunned about how shit your pension is because you had to work part-time, because you 'worked' around their super special role, which meant that they were out of the country at short notice and couldn't possibly cover weekends because they needed a break/didn't really do small people.

beguilingeyes · 11/09/2025 00:01

We're on holiday at the moment. Aside from us both deciding on a destination (Japan), I did the research, booked everything, sorted flights and itinerary, researched the places we'd be stopping, bought currency etc.
He just turns up at the airport with his passport.
This is every trip we've ever done.

RhaenysRocks · 11/09/2025 07:04

PollyBell · 08/09/2025 08:18

Yes!

But i wonder how much is necessary when people complain, constantly, about mental load and how much is 'oh I need Millicent to do ballet because some influencer i am desperate to be like has her daughter doing ballet at 6 months and she can perform swan lake one her own and all the other parents will judge me' or 'I have it in my head i have to scrub the kitchen floor with a toothbrush and other people have to meet my standards'

So stop blaming society and if you have problems in your relationship deal with it

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Or "i need Millicent (nice stereotyping of "posh" there btw) to ballet because five other girls in her class are doing it and she's begged me and I don't want to let her down so I have to figure out if we can afford it, for it in, secure a space, go.on a waiting list". Or "I need the house to not be healthy hazard and have that broken floor tile fixed and the boiler needs servicing". Grow up.

FriedFalafels · 12/09/2025 19:47

beguilingeyes · 11/09/2025 00:01

We're on holiday at the moment. Aside from us both deciding on a destination (Japan), I did the research, booked everything, sorted flights and itinerary, researched the places we'd be stopping, bought currency etc.
He just turns up at the airport with his passport.
This is every trip we've ever done.

I remember landing at an airport for our trip over last Christmas and as the plane is parking up the Dad turns to the Mum and says something along the lines of “so what’s the first we’ve booked for today”. The noise she came out with 😳 honestly I knew how she felt in that moment after planning and booking every trip

limescale · 13/09/2025 00:27

beguilingeyes · 11/09/2025 00:01

We're on holiday at the moment. Aside from us both deciding on a destination (Japan), I did the research, booked everything, sorted flights and itinerary, researched the places we'd be stopping, bought currency etc.
He just turns up at the airport with his passport.
This is every trip we've ever done.

Are you OK with that?
Have you tried to change things?
Does he pull his weight in other areas?

Maltipoo · 13/09/2025 00:36

Bellyblueboy · 08/09/2025 07:57

This thread is the usual women pulling down women nonsense.

OP wanted to sneer at women who complain about the mental load - when she didn’t even understand the concept.

thankfully the majority of posters came on to tell OP she hadn’t grasped the concept and it wasn’t that she was better, smarter and more capable than these women!! OP still argued she was superior and feigned puzzlement as to why women would complain when she found organizing her life as a single mother so easy.

but still some came on to land a few punches - whether at SAHM or working mums or ‘posh’ mums.

women can carry the mental load - it’s just frustrating that a lot of men don’t contribute! What is hard about that to understand. It’s not like 1952! Men are capable of scheduling dentist appointments for their children or learning their child’s school timetable.

Edited

Exactly. The point of this thread was for the OP to play superior. She's not really looking for insight and has ignored it when people explain that the problem is not the load itself, but the fact that most men are not carrying their half of the responsibility for adulting.

Littlemisscapable · 13/09/2025 00:38

Someone made the point earlier that their mental load started in maternity leave..I think this is relevant as UK paternity leave really is dismal. Parenting is still seen by many as a woman's role and all the mental load that goes with this. If men had more paternity leave and were more involved from the start would this improve?

Maltipoo · 13/09/2025 00:41

Boomer55 · 08/09/2025 11:57

Everyone, through life, has stress, problems, marriage ups and downs, health issues, money issues, grief etc

We just have to deal with it - hard as it may sometimes. 🤷‍♀️

Edited

The point is that men often won't deal with these things, forcing their spouses to take them on single-handed. Otherwise they never get resolved.

Maltipoo · 13/09/2025 00:44

Onionpeel · 08/09/2025 05:58

It's what bored SAHM like to harp on about to justify them doing nothing all day

Tell us you're a man without telling us you're a man.

beguilingeyes · 13/09/2025 00:47

limescale · 13/09/2025 00:27

Are you OK with that?
Have you tried to change things?
Does he pull his weight in other areas?

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Be does pretty much do all of Christmas, which I loathe, thank god.

Maltipoo · 13/09/2025 00:55

Noideamatey · 07/09/2025 20:39

There's no needs to be rude, or cast aspersions on my emotional intelligence. I'm out here trying to understand. As this is something I've always done. Kid with SEN, another NT, work full time. It's just a part of adult life

Although, I can see that maybe I am more mentally equipped than some as handling it

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It would seem, however, that you're not mentally equipped to get a point that's been explained to you umpteen dozen times.
You don't have a partner, so there's no possibility of an imbalance in sharing the load when it comes to the planning and maintenance of running a household and caring for kids. So of course it doesn't affect you and isn't an issue. Why do you struggle to understand such a simple concept if you're such a mental giant?
Are you piss taking or are you really that clueless about this?

PollyBell · 13/09/2025 03:12

beguilingeyes · 11/09/2025 00:01

We're on holiday at the moment. Aside from us both deciding on a destination (Japan), I did the research, booked everything, sorted flights and itinerary, researched the places we'd be stopping, bought currency etc.
He just turns up at the airport with his passport.
This is every trip we've ever done.

But you dont have to do it you are choosing too

beguilingeyes · 13/09/2025 03:25

Where did I say I was forced into it?

LemonTwix · 13/09/2025 09:06

beguilingeyes · 11/09/2025 00:01

We're on holiday at the moment. Aside from us both deciding on a destination (Japan), I did the research, booked everything, sorted flights and itinerary, researched the places we'd be stopping, bought currency etc.
He just turns up at the airport with his passport.
This is every trip we've ever done.

I don’t know how you put up with it. I just had a holiday with a male friend. I researched, booked everything. Walked around with phone in hand to look at maps, made sure we got timings right for trains, never felt quite relaxed as was always anticipating our next move. All he had to do was wake up at the appointed time each day and be told what the day’s itinerary was. What luxury! He was bemused when I refused to go out one day as I needed a day off from tour guiding.

I’m single without DC so am used to doing all my own admin etc, but can see how infuriating an uneven ‘mental load’ would be just from that one holiday.