What is the "mental load"

[Noideamatey]

As a single parent for many years, I just don't understand the hoo ha around the "mental load" that's just remembering stuff and being a functioning adult right?

I don’t even think it is just that. I don’t mind the admin for school and classes etc I sign up for that just like he signs up for the insurance

it is the expectation that I can and will be the person who finds something/answers something rather than them taking the time to do so.

How many times is the question where is? What does? when is? Given rather than spending time working it out themselves looking for it, looking for the answer googling it. It is that I object to rather than divided up tasks

Yes, it's just a way of articulating the imbalance in the division of the less tangible aspects running a household with a partner. I agree it's not new, maybe what is newer is that more women are recognising it and refusing to take it all on.

Yes, I agree. I also read a very interesting article by a woman recently who was brought up by a single dad. And she said that her dad did his best, but looking back, she sees that even as a single dad, he simply didn't do or think or care about the things that she did and that the other parents did, but he STILL didn't get judged for it ("oh, poor dave, it's hard being a single dad with a dead wife) and that the result was that there was a level of benign neglect to her upbringing. She never had quite the right clothes or lunch box, the house was never quite like her friends etc etc.

What I find astonishing OP is that you're so oblivious to this. A good friend of mine who is a single mother by choice commented to me within about the first 6 months of parenthood that watching friends from her NCT group etc who were tearing their hair out at their useless husbands, she realised that while she had to do it all, her life was easier in many ways because she didn't have to accomodate another adult. She made the decisions, she implemented the decisions etc. If she could figure it out after 6 months, I'm amazed you're struggling so much after many years.

The reality is that having a family means more work. When it becomes a problem is when that additional work is dumped disproportionately on one person (the woman), exacerbated by how often that woman ALSO has to accomodate an additional person in the form of her partner.

Were you a lone parent or did you have an ex in the wings who at least took the DC on some of the time? becuase it also seems to me that a lone parent might find the mental load a bit "easier" like my friend in terms of just getting on with it, but a single parent with an involved co-parent at least gets a break too.

I agree a bit. I have no issues with the mental load, and I think a big part of it is that, while I absolutely did want children, DH definitely wanted them more.

But that doesn’t make it ok for men to do fuck all. They should stop agreeing to have children that they don’t really want, or if they do agree, they should realise that there are things children need (like vaccinations, and dentist appointments, and clothes that fit, and to have a school place applied for), and “I can’t be arsed” isn’t acceptable, even if you didn’t really want the child in the first place! You have one now, so get your shit together.

An example of the single parent vs couple parent where one person take on the mental load that I think is particularly common and while minor, can be extraordinarily irritating:

Children are small and need constant care and supervision. Man wants to play football with mates after work. Man calls wife and tells her he is going to play football. Man is then confused when wife is very angry and annoyed.

Except, man did not think about the fact that the family had a lot going on that evening. Man had no idea (because he just doesn't register any of this stuff) that tomorrow is the first day of school for little Johnny who is feeling apprehensive and therefore needs a little extra support. This is tricky because dinner still has to be made, the baby still has to be fed etc. Also, because woman has been at work all day, she also has a bunch of additional tasks that need completing. Also, woman knows that when man goes to football, he goes for drinks after. This means he is likely to be hungover in the morning. Which is tricky becuase Johnny has first day at school, things are likely to be a bit stressful and she' dlike him to actually take part in all this.

Such a minor thing and yet so classic.

My DH recently booked a weekend away. No problem with that and he asked me and I said sure, no problem if we don't have anything else on. My Dh did not actually check the diary (apparenrly "if we don't have anything else on" in his head was "I have checked the diary and we don't have anything else on" ) so he did not notice that we actually do have something very important on that weekend. He seemed to think I just hold all these important dates in my head, even when they are months ahead of time.

My DH is not a dick so once that became clear, he apologised and has spent a lot of time and effort reorganising his weekend away. But it took time to get to this point. My other favourite complete-lack-of-thinking habit he used to have would be, for example, saying to me,
"I'd like to do x thing on Saturday morning. We have nothing in the diary for that time - 12:00." [pats himself on back for looking in diary]
Me: But DD has dance class from 10-12:00 and DS has his football match from 10:30. How are you planning to get whichever one of them YOU are with back to ME in time for YOU to be at xx by 12:00?

that is an example of the silly small things that are part of the mental load that are nonetheless ENDLESS, where it is more problematic and frustrating in a relationship than when you are single because it just doesn' thappen when single.

It is a new label for household admin. And of course the flip side is needing ‘me time’.

I was out for a walk with an old friend the other day and she was a SAHM (adult children now). She was saying that she had an easy life (which she does now) but I reminded her how tough her life was with a newborn and a two and four year old with a husband who worked all hours. But it never occurred to her that her life was tough then. She just got on with it.

I think it was even tougher for our parents, where they had a considerable physical load as well as a mental load! Dishwashers were a new thing when I was a child and home driers were pretty unusual. It just wouldn’t have occurred to that generation to think about ‘me time’ or ‘load’. They were just busy most of the time and that was how life was.

I don’t think most cultures would also have this idea, or most points in history. It is very much a zeitgeist thing in middle class western society.

I do think the ideas of ‘mental load’ and ‘me time’ are pretty unhealthy. They often spring from resentment, real or otherwise, and are hugely exaggerated. People reframe what they would consider a few hours or relatively stress free work in the workplace as this massive ‘mental load’. If things are unfair, it needs to be sorted out as a fair compromise. Or split up if that isn’t possible.

And finally, a lot of people want household jobs done in a certain way. So they insist on doing them, and are then resentful that they have to do them. Which is a vicious circle.

I think "mental load" is a parenting thing before it's a female thing. The dads I know all look as stressed and tired as the mums. I was told on another thread that the "mental load" didn't apply to me as a child-free woman, which is correct to be honest, and sort of the point.

As with everything else to do with how hard parenting is, part of me thinks, well, you signed up for it all. There was always the option NOT to have a mental load involving endless school letters and buying kids' shoes. (As an aside how often do you even have to buy school uniforms and trainers etc? Surely that's not exactly an everyday task?)

As for the fact that all of your husbands don't pull their weight... it's just not reflected in my social circle. Like I said, most dads I know look knackered. Very few of my friends who are mums have complained about a husband who doesn't do his fair share. In my relationship, DP is the house-proud neat freak and I'm probably the one who doesn't pull my weight domestically, if I'm being honest.

Finding a partner who will pull his weight and then ensuring that happens is something you have agency over. At every stage.

I also suspect a lot of women take on an entirely unnecessary "mental load" - there are always a few who say that remembering their in-laws presents (and cards?!) is part of the mental load. I have no sympathy at all with that. Just don't do it.

Does the mental load exist? Yes.
As a single parent of many years and to a very busy child, I understand having to manage everything so well on my own.

What I can't reconcile, is what is the reward for lumping myself with another adult who has weaponised incompetence and is happy to watch me struggle, seething with resentment, while they carry on merrily.

Lack of consideration is not an attractive quality in relationships, and I'll be damned if I'm working full-time, paying half the bills and facilitating some deliberate incompetent's life. No thank you!

I disagree with this completely. You're right in that there was a lot to do and less "help" in the form of technology, but I clearly remember that our parents had iron clad boundaries around their own time. My mum hated getting up early so we weren't allowed to wake her up and Dad did all the morning tasks - including on weekends.

Dad came home from work and read the evening paper with a drink for 30 minutes every night.... we did not interrupt... and he was part of an exercise club so that was 90 minutes 3x a week that was inviolate in our house.

Sunday afternoons was mum and dad's time. They watched tv, went for a "lie down", chilled out. We were expected to entertain ourselves.

As someone who was single for years and has only recently started living with someone, I can say that, for me, bearing the mental load on my own was hard. I did it, but it was a struggle.

I have to add that I am AuDHD for context, as perhaps it adds to the pressures as well. Having to remember every single thing is stressful for me, and I was very often mentally burned out.

Now my partner shares some of the load, for eg he makes the shopping list and gets the groceries in. That’s a HUGE weight off of my shoulders. He also has taken over chores like hoovering, most of the cooking, and nearly all of the washing up. We share the responsibility of laundry.

So yes, while as a single person and the only adult in the household you have to just get on with it or it doesn’t get done, it also still does exist and can be tiresome for some. But I’m glad OP that you don’t seem affected by the mental load.

Well done for being able to manage your child with SEN better than I can manage my disabled child.

She's only 7 and has more paperwork than the rest of us combined. Maybe I am just doing it all wrong or moaning too much!

Oh absolutely! My mum was a teacher so was off with us all school holidays. She definitely used to lock us out of her room for her to watch her favourite soap and we watched our own TV shows. She was also very strict with us about bedtimes, we went to bed earlier that a lot of our peers because it was ‘her’ time. And also, just because a lot of women didn’t have that time to themselves and just ‘got on with it’ doesn’t mean it was healthy and they didn’t struggle mentally.

My mental load of normal everyday stuff I can handle it’s the mental load companies put on me that is breaking me.

I am at the point that I cannot go on. It’s a full time job dealing with people who are so incompetent that they don’t understand things like what a statement is, let alone be able to add up, what is legal and illegal and the fact that motorists aren’t psychics. If you don’t put up signage then why would you expect someone to know you can’t drive up a road or park in a suspended parking bay. Note that just because a van is parked in one of the bays it doesn’t mean that the bays are suspended
“Latest” is that I parked in the FREE staff car park but an Internet outage had my number plate not be put on the system. Usually appeals are looked at and the ticket cancelled.

Appealed parking fine proving I was a staff member that day. Appeal rejected. No reason given. Company who own the carpark have asked for the parking ticket to be cancelled. Debt collector said no.

Eventually after many many communications with a variety of debt collectors I have an email to say that they have cancelled the “ticket”

Last week I got a letter from the same debt collector
Apparently they were disappointed that I had not been in touch to pay this fine and they were taking me to court.

This is mental load. This is weeks of my life spent emailing, explaining to people who are not interested or don’t or won’t understand and apply common sense. I won’t get back that time all because someone either effed up or is too stupid or vindictive or discriminatory to take on board what has happened .

I am letting them take me to court because I really can’t be bothered to write another email explaining the circumstances and have the same thing happen again months from now.

At the same time I am dealing with an electric company who put in charge of setting up its account department someone who I can only think has only a GCSE in maths. Although at times I question whether they even have this qualification.

My original account that was set up I could never access. I never received bills on this account and would spend 2 hours each month trying to convince them that I had an account with them and could they tell me how much my bill was.
Eventually after 6 months I gave up when once again they insisted I didn’t have an account with them. I didn’t pursue my outstanding balance. I just agreed I had made a mistake calling them as I didn’t have an account with them.

It took them 5 months to come up with an account I could access and my opening balance was the balance outstanding on the original account. Which was paid off as soon as I got access to the account

However a year later they charged me a £10 late payment fee for a payment I made but they couldn’t locate.
When they found the payment I asked for the £10 late payment fee to be removed.

Instead they deleted a payment from my account from the year before and altered all subsequent “statements” to reflect this “none payment”

When shown proof of my payment they then said the payment was taken from my “newer” account and paid into my previous account.
(The previous/original account they set up that I could never access. The one that they used the balance outstanding amount to start the “newer” account)

I tried to explain that if they had taken the amount from my new account and applied it to my previous account. Then the balance outstanding overall would not change

This was completely wrong in their eyes.
I just didn’t have the words to explain the maths. It was a lost cause.

Ombudsman agreed with me and told them to put the money back.

They didnt

Ombudsman told them to stop pursuing me for the “debt “ whilst they were looking into the issue

They didn’t

I have asked for an SAR multiple times over 4 years because they randomly change the amounts you owe with no explanation.

But have yet to receive anything.

They keep giving my “debt” to differing debt collectors who keep handing it back to the company when they are shown what the ombudsman have said only for them to hand it off to a different debt collection company.

This is the type of mental load I have to deal with.

Add in non existent signage for certain drivers to not drive in a certain direction on a road (which after months and months of appeals that were rejected) I ended up in court where I won. (One of their reasons that I should have known not to drive on this road was that they had published it in the local newspaper. I was not a local and didn’t realise that if I was travelling to a new area I should have perused the previous editions of the local papers and not relied on road signage.
Or the non existent signage to say that a group of parking spaces were not available to park in. Apparently the van in one of the parking spaces should have told me not to park there.

This is where most of my time is spent.

Don’t get me started on the signage that is so high up in the air (that you need binoculars to read) that says residents and permit holders only can drive down certain roads

If they were serious about congestion and polluting the area then why not report the restrictions to Google Maps so sat nav’s can make sure people don’t drive down these roads.
The fact they don’t and have the signage impossibly high up in the air you can’t see it let alone read it suggests they aren’t interested in polluting the area but more interested in the money from the fines.

She is the one making the choice that they take extra math on weekends and learn mandarin. She is the one waking up the kids at 5.30am because she made the choice to sign them up for extra sport.

The “mental load” is a choice.

I choose not to take on too much. I choose not to remember my in-laws birthdays. It’s absolutely a choice.

@Newbutoldfather
It is a new label for household admin. And of course the flip side is needing ‘me time’.

It's not, though. This is a fundamental misunderstanding of what "mental load" is.

It's not only about "household admin", although that's a subset of it. It's about the failure of both partners in a household to understand the impact of their behaviour on others.

Any idiot can set up a direct debit to pay their bills as people never stop reminding us. Anyone can chase a hoover around or do the washing up or fill in a form to send to school or take the car in for its MOT in isolation if told what to do.

It's when you persistently assume that the other parent is going to do all this, or wait to be told what to do because you've failed to anticipate it, or leave it to the last minute when there are more urgent things that need doing, that you create mental load.

• Email from school telling you the dates for this term "oh she'll have this".
• Note from the GP saying your child is overdue an asthma medication review "oh she'll have this".
• Invitation to the rugby club party in December "oh yeah that would be great... she can pick up whatever is going on at home" (Turns out she has to go to her own work party).
• Parents' evening "oh she she can do this". Turns out she can't do it because she has her own work commitment. So she'll have to cancel hers because yours is "more important".
• Deciding that you need to go cycling all day Saturday with the boys "oh it will be fine". It won't because there are two separate Saturday clubs which require separate pick-ups/drop offs.

Etc etc. At its heart what it is is assuming that your partner will be the "default parent" and make sure that nothing falls through the cracks, that any added extras you can offer around your busy Big Job schedule are the icing on the cake and will keep you in her good books. Well, guess what, when she has a Big Job too (or even a fairly normal job), something has to give.

@FairKoala I agree with you btw that companies create at least as much "mental load" as men do.

Don't get me started on the apps that you need in order to interact with any company at all and the infinitesimal amount of passwords required to keep on touch with all this.

I think this sums it up well. I have been a single parent for 16 years and I can really see it from both sides. It’s gruelling physically and mentally being responsible for everything. I have two now teen ND DCs - one more extreme than the other and the appointments alone are a full time job. However I do regularly extol the virtues of the freedom and lack of resentment that there is when you are in it alone. There is no expectation of anyone else. You are responsible for everything and everyone. It’s not easy but at least there is no expectation or resentment of another adult. I love this sculpture as I think it sums things up perfectly irrespective of your situation. (Unless you have a marvellous partner of course)

There was a thread about this a few months ago, so I'm not going to list everything I consider to be in my mental load.

However.... now that I am retired and because we never had a honeymoon, we are meant to be having a BIG once in a lifetime holiday next year. I have discussed it with DH and told him I'm tired of arranging everything, so it's up to him to do some of the work. Nothing has happened. I'm not doing it so I probably won't get to go on holiday. I have a reduced life expectancy due to cancer so this is really my last chance.

On a smaller scale - I always arrange everything for Christmas. I don't do all the physical work, but I have to make the plans, arrange the menu, book the turkey, do the shopping, do the timetable, buy the pantomime tickets, do the tree - everything. I told DH I'm not getting the advent calendar this year, I want him to get it. What's the betting we won't have one.

possibly due to mat leave establishing a pattern
I was thinking just the other day, how did i get here about mental load and doing everything and think this is when it started-maternity leave😳

Sorry to hear about your cancer diagnosis.

Unfortunately I suspect you won't get the advent calendar but think maybe these kind of things just don't bother men. He might not even realise that there isn't one at all!

I had lunch with my parents yesterday. My mum says "isn't it Johns birthday tomorrow?" (John is my cousin, dad's nephew). He says "he is born in september. Can't remember which date. You need to check it and let me know so I'll know to send a text".

It's not just about kids. My DP and I don't have kids, but we've lived together for many years and there is obviously a mental load associated with sharing a household. Laundry, dishwashing, cleaning, finances, food shopping, noticing when something goes wrong with the house and doing something to sort it out, thinking of and organising holidays and trips, etc etc.
When people talk about having all of the mental load they mean that one person takes on all or the lion's share of it, and the other person has to be asked/told to do things.

@Muffinmam

The “mental load” is a choice.

It is if you are happy for your kids to have suboptimal outcomes and feel that you can't be arsed.

I don't see the point bearing and raising children if you're happy to allow them to go to school in unwashed, poorly fitting clothes, not eating reasonably healthy meals and not supporting them as best you can with their academics and things that interest them.

I could lie in bed all weekend and say "can't be arsed doing any washing and I don't care if DD doesn't her homework". But why have kids if you don't want them to at least be able to aim for their best outcomes?

My OH (who isn't DD's father) actually does pull his weight at home. But my ex-husband regarded all this as optional and said I "worried too much" and thought all this activity was strictly my job. So I chose to parent without him and I parented a damn sight better on my own than worrying about someone who wanted to spend most of the weekend lying in bed.

I've done this on my own and would happily do it again. But if I'm in a partnership with someone else in raising a child I damn well expect them to step up.

@Busybeemumm oh DH knows about the advent calendar. In fact he even said he was disappointed with last year's calendar, and so was I. So he knows he has to do a bit of research to get a nice one. All I want is a nice busy picture so that it is tricky to find the numbers, and real glitter not that nasty greenish glittery glue stuff. The kind of glitter that falls off as soon as you look at it.

My DP calls it his Dad-min.